All Hail Girls Camp!

Millie's taking the week off! See you next Monday! :)

Waitress and Customer

Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a (noun), I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is (an animal) sauteed in cream of (noun) soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime (plural noun) of beef with the (adjective) pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin (noun) and a/an (adjective) salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the (adjective) fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried (noun)?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island (noun)?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our (adjective) goulash with homemade (noun) sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a/an (adjective) egg sandwich and a cup of black (liquid)!

Heffalump said...
Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a genealogy, I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is bunny sauteed in cream of Babybel Cheese soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime Mad Libs of beef with the awesome pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin Birkenstock and an intelligent salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the funny fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried daisy?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island playlist?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our wonderful goulash with homemade bandana sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a sometimes inappropriate egg sandwich and a cup of black emergency water!

Millie said...
Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a day camp T-shirt, I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is blue jay sauteed in cream of gimp soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime fat, yelling Cub Scout leaders of beef with the rotten pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin Saturn model and a covered in poison oak salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the disobedient fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried farting slime toy?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island forgotten lunch?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our drizzling goulash with homemade annoying staffer sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a Valium-swilling egg sandwich and a cup of black egg whites!

A Card From Camp

Dear Folks,

Camp is great! I love all the (plural noun) in my tent. I have become as close as two (plural noun) in a pod with (person in room - full name), who has a/an (adjective) personality and is never without a/an (noun). He/She tells really (adjective) stories which make all of us (verb) out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long (noun), but this morning I washed my shirts and (article of clothing - plural) and put them out to dry on the clothes (noun), and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and (plural noun). I better get off my (noun) and get my (plural noun) off the (noun) line before I run out of (adjective) underwear. I promise to write a letter full of (plural noun) before my (part of the body) hits the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.

Your loving (noun),
(Another person in room)

Millie said...
Dear Folks,

Camp is great! I love all the mammograms in my tent. I have become as close as two Crayola Twistables in a pod with Split Lip Linda, who has a kinked up personality and is never without a hammer dropped on a toe. She tells really scrub-needing stories which make all of us spaz out, out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long bowling ball, but this morning I washed my shirts and codpieces and put them out to dry on the clothes Christmas crowbar, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and potato eyes. I better get off my chubby little man and get my blueberry daiquiris off the bowline knot line before I run out of superfluous underwear. I promise to write a letter full of Bermuda shorts before my nose balls hit the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.

Your loving cactus needle,
Sammy Davis, Sr.

Heffalump said...
Dear Folks,

Camp is great! I love all the rutabagas in my tent. I have become as close as two tractors in a pod with Farmer Inna Dell, who has a squash-like personality and is never without a hoedown. She tells really John Deere green stories which make all of us spin out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long barn raising, but this morning I washed my shirts and overalls and put them out to dry on the clothes spade, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and scarecrows. I better get off my mule and get my fenceposts off the hen house line before I run out of underwear. I promise to write a letter full of seeds before my bunion hits the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.

Your loving prize winning pig,
Martha

Letters Parents Hope Get Lost in the Mail

Dear Folks,

I'm in L.A. It is (adverb) awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest (noun). He plays (noun) with a (adjective) band. He has (color) hair and wears a (noun) in his (part of body). I can't wait for you to meet (name of man), the (noun) of my dreams.

Your (adjective) daughter,
(Name of woman)

Dear Folks,

Please send money as (adverb) as possible. I found a really great surf (noun) for only 150 (Plural noun). I borrowed the money from my (adjective) girlfriend, who is a life (noun) at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-(part of body) waves. Although she is (number) years older than I am, I know she's the right (noun) for me.

Your (adjective) son,
(name of man) (known to my beach friends as The (animal))

Dear Folks,

For your information, I broke my (part of body) surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my (part of body). You'll (verb) it!

Signed, The (same animal)

Millie said...
Dear Folks,

I'm in L.A. It is oppressively awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest annoying soup slurp. He plays bored six-year-old with a hairy band. He has purple hair and wears a pair of Hanes briefs in his saliva gland. I can't wait for you to meet I. Lean Sideways, the Nervous Nellie of my dreams.

Your fat daughter,
Marcia

Dear Folks,

Please send money as while shrink-wrapped as possible. I found a really great surf craisin for only 150 slap-worthy whiners. I borrowed the money from my pasty girlfriend, who is a life-Charlie Brown hairdo at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-pancreas waves. Although she is 38 years older than I am, I know she's the right pig snout for me.

Your dimpled son,
Roger U. Roundly (known to my beach friends as The Jabiru)

Dear Folks,

For your information, I broke my eyelid surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my scalp. You'll pontificate it!

Signed, The Jabiru

Heffalump said...
Dear Folks,

I'm in L.A. It is obtusely awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest root canal. He plays popcorn hull with an afflicted with halitosis band. He has yellow hair and wears a drill in his wisdom tooth. I can't wait for you to meet Steve, the molar of my dreams.

Your sparkling daughter,
Hilda

Dear Folks,

Please send money as firmly as possible. I found a really great surf mouthwash for only 150 dollars. I borrowed the money from my foamy girlfriend, who is a life retainer at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-tongue waves. Although she is 807 years older than I am, I know she's the right floss for me.

Your tingly son,
Brian (known to my beach friends as The Saber Tooth Tiger)

Dear Folks,

For your information, I broke my jaw surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my gumline. You'll scrape it!

Signed, The Saber Tooth Tiger

Father Goose Rhymes

Old Mother Hubbard went to the (noun)
To get her (adjective) (noun) a bone.
When she got there, the (noun) was (adjective),
And so her (adjective) dog had none.

Jack and Jill went up the (noun)
To fetch a/an (container) of water.
Jack fell down and broke his (noun)
And Jill came tumbling after.

There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her (noun).
When she was (adjective), she was very, very (adjective),
And when she was bad, she was (adjective).

There was a/an (adjective) woman
Who (verb, past tense) in a shoe.
She had so many (plural noun)
She didn't know what to do.

Darn It Janet said...
Old Mother Hubbard went to the snot drip
To get her sick of peanut butter but won't eat anything else, persistent nagging cough a bone.
When she got there, the empty candy wrapper was gaggy,
And so her paper-thin dog had none.

Jack and Jill went up the platypus
To fetch a farty ketchup bottle of water.
Jack fell down and broke his giant vat
And Jill came tumbling after.

There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her closet Marxist.
When she was horse-laughing, she was very, very splotchy,
And when she was bad, she was omnipotent.

There was a wavering in her resolve woman
Who seethed in a shoe.
She had so many rabid mutts
She didn't know what to do.

Pool Rools

ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this (noun) or soak in our (adjective) spa, you must follow these (adjective) rules.

1. No nude (verb ending in ING) allowed. Men must wear (adjective) shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing (plural nouns) or (adjective) bikinis.

2. No (plural noun) under the age of (number) are allowed in the (noun) unless accompanied by a (noun).

3. (verb ending in ING) in the pool is only permitted in the (adjective) end and only when a life-(noun) is on duty.

4. People with (adjective) hair must wear bathing (plural noun).

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, (adverb) cover your arms, legs, and (part of the body) with a (adjective) lotion. You don't want to get a (noun) burn!

Have a (adjective) day!

Millie said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this enormous Nyquil capsule or soak in our needle-nosed spa, you must follow these lobster-resembling rules.

1. No nude gouging allowed. Men must wear trembling shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing lamb tongues or searched at the airport bikinis.

2. No deftly aiming pigeons under the age of 28 are allowed in the sharpened stick unless accompanied by a piano concerto.

3. Squawking in the pool is only permitted in the spanking fresh end and only when a life-screaming-for-water houseplant is on duty.

4. People with uncertain hair must wear bathing garden weeds.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, backwardly cover your arms, legs, and aorta with a dresses in period costumes for no discernible reason lotion. You don't want to get a botched nose job burn!

Have a Star Trek-avoiding day!

Heffalump said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this dilapidated barn or soak in our besmirched spa, you must follow these rugged rules.

1. No nude pleading allowed. Men must wear travel stained shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing prescriptions or imperialistic bikinis.

2. No subscriptions under the age of 72 are allowed in the grandfather clock unless accompanied by an empty tissue box.

3. Gesturing in the pool is only permitted in the germ ridden end and only when a life-nasal spray is on duty.

4. People with weathered hair must wear bathing inscriptions.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, gracefully cover your arms, legs, and earlobe with a musky lotion. You don't want to get a stopwatch burn!

Have an idiotic day!

A Commercial Message from the Sponsor

Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look (adjective) and (adjective)?

That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth (adjective) after only (number) brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-(liquid)," a secret ingredient known to your (adjective) druggist as (name of a toothpaste). Chomp attacks the (adjective) acids in your mouth and leaves your breath (adjective) and (adjective). It will make your (noun) feel (adjective) and will also stimulate your (plural noun). Always keep the familiar (color) tube of Chomp handy in your (noun).

And now, back to our western program, "Have (noun), Will Travel!"

Millie said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look drop-kicked and addicted to Sims?

That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth plastic and transparent after only 38 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-slurp," a secret ingredient known to your unimaginably stenchy druggist as Colgate. Chomp attacks the bird-chirping acids in your mouth and leaves your breath blowin' in the wind and best forgotten. It will make your potty goer feel cheap and will also stimulate your runaway hogs. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your misfit toy.

And now, back to our western program, "Have Philatelist, Will Travel!"

Heffalump said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look preposterous and bewildered?

That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth besmirched after only 71 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-carrot juice," a secret ingredient known to your wildebeest-like druggist as Plaquenator Plus Whitening. Chomp attacks the numb acids in your mouth and leaves your breath expensive and dandelion yellow. It will make your battery feel fizzy and will also stimulate your singed eyebrows. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your fishing pole.

And now, back to our western program, "Have Olympic Badminton Coach, Will Travel!"

J-Dog said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look twitchy and demonic?

That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth odd after only 1,234,000,015.76 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-teriyaki sauce," a secret ingredient known to your bloodshot druggist as Lady Gaga's Signature Plaque Away. Chomp attacks the inhumane acids in your mouth and leaves your breath rabid and smelly. It will make your light bulb feel constipated and will also stimulate your severed Muppet heads. Always keep the familiar puce tube of Chomp handy in your moldy kimono.

And now, back to our western program, "Have Nyquil Sleepy Time Smoothie, Will Travel!"

Klin said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look orange and cheesy?

That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth ridiculous after only 24 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-shampoo," a secret ingredient known to your super-dee-duper druggist as Crest 3D. Chomp attacks the sweaty acids in your mouth and leaves your breath fastidious and fatigued. It will make your speeding train feel rushing and will also stimulate your smelly 30 year old home canned peaches. Always keep the familiar chartreuse tube of Chomp handy in your long-freaking day.

And now, back to our western program, "Have Lighthouse, Will Travel!"