Dear Miss (name of woman in room),
You may not recall my (noun), but I met you at the (adjective) cocktail party given by our (adjective) friend, (name of person in room). We had a/an (adjective) talk about (adjective) (plural noun), and I was impressed by your (adjective) conversation and your grasp of the (adjective) situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your (adjective) eyes, your (adjective) little chin, and your (adjective) teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming (adjective), I was fascinated by your (adjective) walk and by your (adjective) figure.
I hope I made a/an (adjective) impression, and that we can get together for a nice (noun) next week.
(adverb) yours,
(Name of man in room)
Klin said...
Dear Miss Katie Couric,
You may not recall my desk, but I met you at the sloppy cocktail party given by our mad friend, His Royal Highness. We had a chunky talk about gorgeous persons, and I was impressed by your blue conversation and your grasp of the orange situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your cut-up eyes, your new little chin, and your musty teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming painted, I was fascinated by your freakin' walk and by your tired figure.
I hope I made a down impression, and that we can get together for a nice chair next week.
Stunningly yours,
Brad Pitt
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Miss Angelina Jolie,
You may not recall my Wii Fit Balance Board, but I met you at the innoucuous cocktail party given by our preppy friend, my third grade teacher, Mrs. McCallup. We had a celebratory talk about gelatinous unpopped popcorn kernels at the bottom of a microwave popcorn bag, and I was impressed by your mushy conversation and your grasp of the overactive situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your imaginary eyes, your hallucinatory little chin, and your hideous teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming all-American, I was fascinated by your Comcastic walk and by your infantile figure.
I hope I made a banjo-rific impression, and that we can get together for a nice broken breast pump next week.
Mind-numbingly yours,
George Lucas
Natalie said...
Dear Miss Martha Vandella,
You may not recall my cherry tomato, but I met you at the loco in the cabesa cocktail party given by our fishnet stockings-wearing friend, Heaven Lee Shades. We had a pantsed regularly talk about green and frondlike annoying low-battery cell phone noises, and I was impressed by your totally tripped out conversation and your grasp of the Dora-hating situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your bird-mocking eyes, your skeevy little chin, and your accidentally ate a napkin teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming smacked purple, I was fascinated by your booger-examining walk and by your retching figure.
I hope I made a yellow impression, and that we can get together for a nice disgruntled postal worker next week.
Pompously yours,
Ricky Retardo
Wynne said...
Dear Miss Betty Boop,
You may not recall my cheese whiz, but I met you at the purplish-black cocktail party given by our brackish friend, Jasper. We had a chunky talk about rigid lice, and I was impressed by your sparkly conversation and your grasp of the furry situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your hard eyes, your transparent little chin, and your rancid teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming sour, I was fascinated by your discordant walk and by your explosive figure.
I hope I made a flatulent impression, and that we can get together for a nice canned corn next week.
Like-an-Egyptian yours,
Pecka the Imaginary Man
Showing posts with label Wynne. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wynne. Show all posts
Friday, February 6, 2009
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Relatives
Ending sooner this week... sorry.
This is a/an (adjective) explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably (adjective). Parents consist of one mother and one (noun). Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your (noun)," or "Stop picking your (noun)!" Brothers and sisters are called (plural noun) and they are often a pain in the (part of the body). Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' (plural noun). They will buy you (a food) when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your (noun). Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or (a holiday) to eat a big (a bird). Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...
This is a bowlegged explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably emasculated. Parents consist of one mother and one Claritin addict. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your crunchy leaf on the sidewalk," or "Stop picking your snoopy janitor!" Brothers and sisters are called speculums and they are often a pain in the finger. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' giggling psychopaths. They will buy you tomato aspic when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your piece of jelly toast. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or St. Swithin's Day to eat a big macaw. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Wynne said...
This is a cheesy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably segregated. Parents consist of one mother and one burnt toast. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your dust bunny," or "Stop picking your wishful thinking!" Brothers and sisters are called toenail clippings and they are often a pain in the flappy underarm fat. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' octupi. They will buy you anchovies when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cellulite. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Pioneer Day to eat a big penguin. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Suzanne said...
This is a yummy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably delicious. Parents consist of one mother and one plate. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your fork," or "Stop picking your knife!" Brothers and sisters are called potatoes and they are often a pain in the belly. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' cranberries. They will buy you stuffing when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cup. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Christmas to eat a big Big Bird. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
This is a/an (adjective) explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably (adjective). Parents consist of one mother and one (noun). Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your (noun)," or "Stop picking your (noun)!" Brothers and sisters are called (plural noun) and they are often a pain in the (part of the body). Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' (plural noun). They will buy you (a food) when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your (noun). Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or (a holiday) to eat a big (a bird). Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...
This is a bowlegged explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably emasculated. Parents consist of one mother and one Claritin addict. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your crunchy leaf on the sidewalk," or "Stop picking your snoopy janitor!" Brothers and sisters are called speculums and they are often a pain in the finger. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' giggling psychopaths. They will buy you tomato aspic when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your piece of jelly toast. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or St. Swithin's Day to eat a big macaw. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Wynne said...
This is a cheesy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably segregated. Parents consist of one mother and one burnt toast. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your dust bunny," or "Stop picking your wishful thinking!" Brothers and sisters are called toenail clippings and they are often a pain in the flappy underarm fat. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' octupi. They will buy you anchovies when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cellulite. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Pioneer Day to eat a big penguin. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Suzanne said...
This is a yummy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably delicious. Parents consist of one mother and one plate. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your fork," or "Stop picking your knife!" Brothers and sisters are called potatoes and they are often a pain in the belly. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' cranberries. They will buy you stuffing when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cup. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Christmas to eat a big Big Bird. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Report By Student Protest Committee
Fellow Students of (full name of school)! We members of the Students for a/an (adjective) Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of (plural noun). He has just fired our friend, Professor (name of person in room), because he wore his (part of the body) long, and because he dressed in (article of clothing) and wore old (plural noun). Next week we are going to protest by taking over the (noun) building and kidnapping the Assistant (noun). We also will demand that all students have the right to wear (adjective) hair and (adjective) beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with (Plural noun)!"
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Fellow Students of The Culinary Institute of America! We members of the Students for a Dreary Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Dirty Diapers. He has just fired our friend, Professor Sarah Palin, because she wore her nasal cavity long, and because she dressed in a bra with no elastic held together by safety pins and wore old BYU Football Fans. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Greedy Real Estate Agent building and kidnapping the Assistant Potty-Training DVD. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear dreadful hair and abhorrent beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with unruly nose hairs!"
Natalie said...
Fellow Students of Lizzie Borden's Chop Shop Academy! We members of the Students for a Making Annoying Noises and About to be Slapped Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Drool Bibs. He has just fired our friend, Professor Tipsy Giggling Gert, because she wore her booger vault long, and because she dressed in fingerless hobo gloves and wore old goldfish crackers with menacing expressions. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Hot Dog Bra building and kidnapping the Assistant Creep in the Lingerie Aisle. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear Zoboomafoo-worshipping hair and fate-tempting beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with the chickens next door!"
Klin said...
Fellow Students of Lakeview Elementary! We members of the Students for a Screaming Loud and Head Pounding Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Piles of Needing to be Shredded Files. He has just fired our friend, Professor Fabulous Franco, because he wore his ear wax storage cavity long, and because he dressed in Happy Bunny socks and wore old overwhelming details of the new job. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Upset with Daddy Child building and kidnapping the Assistant Hard Working Hubby. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear shouting above the television volume hair and whining about homework beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with silly puzzle doing teens!"
Dalene said...
Fellow Students of Amy Winehouse's Finishing School for Girls! We members of the Students for a Manic Depressive Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Coconut Bras. He has just fired our friend, Professor Rowley, because he wore his little fleshy part between one's big and second toes long, and because he dressed in sand-washed bvds and wore old organ grinders. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the All-Day Sucker building and kidnapping the Assistant Dunce Cap. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear slightly used hair and low-budget beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with fleabites!"
Wynne said...
Fellow Students of The Sir Fartswell Academy of Macrame Weaving! We members of the Students for a Blunt Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Squids. He has just fired our friend, Professor Good Fairy Lucinda, because she wore her spleen long, and because she dressed in a garter and wore old Chef Boyardees. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Emu building and kidnapping the Assistant Granite. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear swank hair and bloated beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with stump-grinding factories!"
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Fellow Students of The Culinary Institute of America! We members of the Students for a Dreary Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Dirty Diapers. He has just fired our friend, Professor Sarah Palin, because she wore her nasal cavity long, and because she dressed in a bra with no elastic held together by safety pins and wore old BYU Football Fans. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Greedy Real Estate Agent building and kidnapping the Assistant Potty-Training DVD. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear dreadful hair and abhorrent beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with unruly nose hairs!"
Natalie said...
Fellow Students of Lizzie Borden's Chop Shop Academy! We members of the Students for a Making Annoying Noises and About to be Slapped Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Drool Bibs. He has just fired our friend, Professor Tipsy Giggling Gert, because she wore her booger vault long, and because she dressed in fingerless hobo gloves and wore old goldfish crackers with menacing expressions. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Hot Dog Bra building and kidnapping the Assistant Creep in the Lingerie Aisle. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear Zoboomafoo-worshipping hair and fate-tempting beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with the chickens next door!"
Klin said...
Fellow Students of Lakeview Elementary! We members of the Students for a Screaming Loud and Head Pounding Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Piles of Needing to be Shredded Files. He has just fired our friend, Professor Fabulous Franco, because he wore his ear wax storage cavity long, and because he dressed in Happy Bunny socks and wore old overwhelming details of the new job. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Upset with Daddy Child building and kidnapping the Assistant Hard Working Hubby. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear shouting above the television volume hair and whining about homework beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with silly puzzle doing teens!"
Dalene said...
Fellow Students of Amy Winehouse's Finishing School for Girls! We members of the Students for a Manic Depressive Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Coconut Bras. He has just fired our friend, Professor Rowley, because he wore his little fleshy part between one's big and second toes long, and because he dressed in sand-washed bvds and wore old organ grinders. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the All-Day Sucker building and kidnapping the Assistant Dunce Cap. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear slightly used hair and low-budget beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with fleabites!"
Wynne said...
Fellow Students of The Sir Fartswell Academy of Macrame Weaving! We members of the Students for a Blunt Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Squids. He has just fired our friend, Professor Good Fairy Lucinda, because she wore her spleen long, and because she dressed in a garter and wore old Chef Boyardees. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Emu building and kidnapping the Assistant Granite. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear swank hair and bloated beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with stump-grinding factories!"
Friday, September 12, 2008
Political Speech #1
Ladies and gentlemen, on this (adjective) occasion it is a privilege to address such a/an (adjective)-looking group of (plural noun). I can tell from your smiling (plural noun) that you will support my (adjective) program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a/an (noun) in every (noun) and two (plural noun) in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. (name of person in room). This man is nothing but a/an (adjective) (noun). He has a/an (adjective) character and is working (noun) in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the (plural noun) off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their (plural noun) in the public till. I promise you (adjective) government, (adjective) taxes, and (adjective) schools.
Heffalump said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this red occasion it is a privilege to address such a yellow-looking group of monkeys. I can tell from your smiling carrots that you will support my blue program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a toejam in every rubber baby buggy bumper and two waterfalls in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Harvey the Wonder Hamster. This man is nothing but a smelly twister. He has a chagrined character and is working Baby B in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the flashlights off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their Pygmies in the public till. I promise you plump government, whiny taxes, and complicated schools.
Coconut Kate said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this leafy occasion it is a privilege to address such a sparkling-looking group of coolers. I can tell from your smiling clocks that you will support my round program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a squirrel in every paper and two leftovers in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Miss Fabulous. This woman is nothing but a translucent giraffe. She has a winding character and is working tunnel in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the slinkys off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their men in the public till. I promise you flowery government, green taxes, and oversized schools.
Suzanne said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this scorching occasion it is a privilege to address such a hot-looking group of pencils. I can tell from your smiling pens that you will support my sizzling program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be an apple in every pencil box and two books in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Santa Claus. This man is nothing but a lukewarm eraser. He has a tepid character and is working desk in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the bags off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their teachers in the public till. I promise you chilly government, cold taxes, and freezing schools.
Klin said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this sweaty occasion it is a privilege to address such a piled high-looking group of slimy toads. I can tell from your smiling cracked feet that you will support my fancy dancy program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a dog in every baby and two sweltery days in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Tree Monkey. This man is nothing but a muddy purse. He has a floral character and is working internet in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the smelly lumber piles off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their folded blankets in the public till. I promise you fast government, slimy taxes, and caked schools.
Dalene said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this flamboyant occasion it is a privilege to address such a discomboobulated-looking group of trophy wives. I can tell from your smiling elastic waistbands that you will support my pernicious program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a flat iron in every encyclopedia and two remote control disco lights in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Wiley Coyote. This man is nothing but a fluffy speaker phone. He has a squishy character and is working widget in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the sponge baths off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their doorknob hangers in the public till. I promise you prepubescent government, flat taxes, and floopy schools.
Natalie said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this brawling like hooligans occasion it is a privilege to address such an LDS tattoo-obsessed-looking group of naughty cockatoos. I can tell from your smiling completely inept football players that you will support my strung-out-on-stale-Twinkies program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a guy who yells "Yowza!" in every not-quite-big-enough girdle and two oatmeal scotchies in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. "Needs New Nylons" Newton. This man is nothing but a skin tag-sporting paranoid squirrel. He has a Pina Colada deodorant-enjoying character and is working Kip Dynamite impersonator in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the tubes of crinkly wrapping paper off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their town drunks in the public till. I promise you doesn't-wear-suits-to-the-office government, impressed-by-nudists taxes, and spiked punch-eschewing schools.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this reluctantly related occasion it is a privilege to address such a perpetually confused-looking group of America's Got Talent Hopefulls who got their dreams shattered on National Television. I can tell from your smiling delicious cupcakes with no calories that you will support my over-the-top program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a Harry Henderson's Hometown Haberdashery in every Giant Twinkie Man dressed as a Cowboy and two Sci-Fi convention goers who only speak to each other in Klingon in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Dora the Explorer. This man is nothing but a bewitched Homework Packet for a 2nd Grader filled with math worksheets a Kindergartener could do. He has a bothered character and is working blank-minded Mad Libs Monday participant who can't think of anything clever today in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the people who talk on their cell phones while driving off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their evil Legos that bite the bottoms of your feet as you cross the room in the middle of the night in the public till. I promise you bewildered government, fancy-schmancy taxes, and snobberish schools.
Wynne said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this frightening occasion it is a privilege to address such a spiny-looking group of fairies. I can tell from your smiling crocodiles that you will support my delicious program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be chow mein in every toilet and two hostels in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Jasper the Cat. This man is nothing but an as-seen-on-TV Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man. He has a glittery character and is working used kleenex in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the Smurfs off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their Arabic numerals in the public till. I promise you sludgilicious government, sulphurous taxes, and eardrum-shattering schools.
Rachael said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this wet occasion it is a privilege to address such a sticky-looking group of sticks. I can tell from your smiling earwigs that you will support my pungent program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be an "I dream of Genie" autographed poster in every Tom Hanks sweater and two over obsessive Oprah lovers in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Unibrow Sal. This man is nothing but a grotesque "Missed a spot" Dot. He has a mini character and is working camera lens in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the Book club fanatics off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their aimless internet surfers in the public till. I promise you flatulent government, scalloped taxes, and round, fudge-filled schools.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. (name of person in room). This man is nothing but a/an (adjective) (noun). He has a/an (adjective) character and is working (noun) in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the (plural noun) off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their (plural noun) in the public till. I promise you (adjective) government, (adjective) taxes, and (adjective) schools.
Heffalump said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this red occasion it is a privilege to address such a yellow-looking group of monkeys. I can tell from your smiling carrots that you will support my blue program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a toejam in every rubber baby buggy bumper and two waterfalls in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Harvey the Wonder Hamster. This man is nothing but a smelly twister. He has a chagrined character and is working Baby B in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the flashlights off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their Pygmies in the public till. I promise you plump government, whiny taxes, and complicated schools.
Coconut Kate said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this leafy occasion it is a privilege to address such a sparkling-looking group of coolers. I can tell from your smiling clocks that you will support my round program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a squirrel in every paper and two leftovers in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Miss Fabulous. This woman is nothing but a translucent giraffe. She has a winding character and is working tunnel in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the slinkys off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their men in the public till. I promise you flowery government, green taxes, and oversized schools.
Suzanne said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this scorching occasion it is a privilege to address such a hot-looking group of pencils. I can tell from your smiling pens that you will support my sizzling program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be an apple in every pencil box and two books in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Santa Claus. This man is nothing but a lukewarm eraser. He has a tepid character and is working desk in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the bags off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their teachers in the public till. I promise you chilly government, cold taxes, and freezing schools.
Klin said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this sweaty occasion it is a privilege to address such a piled high-looking group of slimy toads. I can tell from your smiling cracked feet that you will support my fancy dancy program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a dog in every baby and two sweltery days in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Tree Monkey. This man is nothing but a muddy purse. He has a floral character and is working internet in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the smelly lumber piles off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their folded blankets in the public till. I promise you fast government, slimy taxes, and caked schools.
Dalene said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this flamboyant occasion it is a privilege to address such a discomboobulated-looking group of trophy wives. I can tell from your smiling elastic waistbands that you will support my pernicious program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a flat iron in every encyclopedia and two remote control disco lights in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Wiley Coyote. This man is nothing but a fluffy speaker phone. He has a squishy character and is working widget in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the sponge baths off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their doorknob hangers in the public till. I promise you prepubescent government, flat taxes, and floopy schools.
Natalie said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this brawling like hooligans occasion it is a privilege to address such an LDS tattoo-obsessed-looking group of naughty cockatoos. I can tell from your smiling completely inept football players that you will support my strung-out-on-stale-Twinkies program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a guy who yells "Yowza!" in every not-quite-big-enough girdle and two oatmeal scotchies in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. "Needs New Nylons" Newton. This man is nothing but a skin tag-sporting paranoid squirrel. He has a Pina Colada deodorant-enjoying character and is working Kip Dynamite impersonator in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the tubes of crinkly wrapping paper off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their town drunks in the public till. I promise you doesn't-wear-suits-to-the-office government, impressed-by-nudists taxes, and spiked punch-eschewing schools.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this reluctantly related occasion it is a privilege to address such a perpetually confused-looking group of America's Got Talent Hopefulls who got their dreams shattered on National Television. I can tell from your smiling delicious cupcakes with no calories that you will support my over-the-top program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a Harry Henderson's Hometown Haberdashery in every Giant Twinkie Man dressed as a Cowboy and two Sci-Fi convention goers who only speak to each other in Klingon in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Dora the Explorer. This man is nothing but a bewitched Homework Packet for a 2nd Grader filled with math worksheets a Kindergartener could do. He has a bothered character and is working blank-minded Mad Libs Monday participant who can't think of anything clever today in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the people who talk on their cell phones while driving off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their evil Legos that bite the bottoms of your feet as you cross the room in the middle of the night in the public till. I promise you bewildered government, fancy-schmancy taxes, and snobberish schools.
Wynne said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this frightening occasion it is a privilege to address such a spiny-looking group of fairies. I can tell from your smiling crocodiles that you will support my delicious program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be chow mein in every toilet and two hostels in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Jasper the Cat. This man is nothing but an as-seen-on-TV Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man. He has a glittery character and is working used kleenex in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the Smurfs off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their Arabic numerals in the public till. I promise you sludgilicious government, sulphurous taxes, and eardrum-shattering schools.
Rachael said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this wet occasion it is a privilege to address such a sticky-looking group of sticks. I can tell from your smiling earwigs that you will support my pungent program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be an "I dream of Genie" autographed poster in every Tom Hanks sweater and two over obsessive Oprah lovers in every garage.
I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Unibrow Sal. This man is nothing but a grotesque "Missed a spot" Dot. He has a mini character and is working camera lens in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the Book club fanatics off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their aimless internet surfers in the public till. I promise you flatulent government, scalloped taxes, and round, fudge-filled schools.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Dramatic Scene Entitled "The Happy Moment"
In honor of Thorny Tree Lady's great news
WOMAN: Darling, I have something (adjective) to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the (noun) again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little (noun).
MAN: (Loud exclamation)! Sweetheart, that's (adjective) news. Here, sit down on this (noun). You must take the weight off your (plural noun).
WOMAN: He said I was in (adjective) health. He measured my (noun) and took a sample of my (a liquid).
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a/an (noun).
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a/an (noun). Then we can name it after your (noun).
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in (a number) months I'll be a/an (noun).
Thorny Tree Lady said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something delicious to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the standing fan again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little rainy day.
MAN: Sha-ZAAAAMMMM! Sweetheart, that's serpentine news. Here, sit down on this questioning 4-year-old. You must take the weight off your washed-up rock stars trying to revive their careers by participating on reality programs on obscure cable channels.
WOMAN: He said I was in articulate health. He measured my aggavating hangnail and took a sample of my baby formula.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a houseguest who's overstayed her welcome.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a 15 month old baby who's amazed at her own reflection in the mirror. Then we can name it after your mini-Cooper that drives through the neighborhood 10 miles over the speed limit.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 8,675,309 months I'll be an unsupportive bra with no elastic.
Klin said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something ratted-hair to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the melt-in-your-mouth-meatloaf again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little Ginormous-hundred-acre wood.
MAN: SI-LENCE! Sweetheart, that's ginormous news. Here, sit down on this ratted-hair-that-looks-like-a-football-helmet. You must take the weight off your super-smelly-cleats.
WOMAN: He said I was in creamy health. He measured my pouring rain and took a sample of my melted ice cream.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a very loud stereo.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a vacuum. Then we can name it after your muddy puddle.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 1279 months I'll be a screaming kid in the car wash.
Suzanne said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something red to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the head again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little shoulder.
MAN: Holy Heck! Sweetheart, that's yellow news. Here, sit down on this knee. You must take the weight off your fancy cheeses.
WOMAN: He said I was in blue health. He measured my toes and took a sample of my Koolaid.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or an eye.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be an ear. Then we can name it after your mouth.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 34 months I'll be a nose.
Tori:) said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something spiky to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the arm hair again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little toaster.
MAN: CRAP!!!! Sweetheart, that's spunky news. Here, sit down on this magnet. You must take the weight off your dandruff flakes.
WOMAN: He said I was in spazzy health. He measured my $2 bill and took a sample of my Diet Dr. Pepper.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or an apron.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a swing set. Then we can name it after your contact lens.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 9 months I'll be a snake skin.
Natalie said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something completely irritating to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the earlobe hair again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little freak of nature.
MAN: Why can't you hold still a minute! Sweetheart, that's black cherry-scented news. Here, sit down on this fan blade. You must take the weight off your scalp dents.
WOMAN: He said I was in crying because I can't sleep on the floor health. He measured my Hannah Montana protester and took a sample of my drool.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or chocolate milk residue.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a buttock dimple. Then we can name it after your cow about to give birth.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 129847 months I'll be a snot bubble.
Wynne said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something clumpy to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the armadillo again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little garbage truck.
MAN: By the power of Grayskull! Sweetheart, that's marvelous news. Here, sit down on this toe jam. You must take the weight off your worms.
WOMAN: He said I was in fish-like health. He measured my fire station and took a sample of my pickle juice.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a split end.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be Gay Pride. Then we can name it after your Zion.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 1/4 months I'll be a Macarena.
Dalene said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something greasy to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the monkey wrench again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little carbuncle.
MAN: Oy vey! Sweetheart, that's cheesy news. Here, sit down on this dust bunny. You must take the weight off your pick-up sticks.
WOMAN: He said I was in sketchy health. He measured my snood and took a sample of my molten lava.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a hanging chad.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a Sprite bottle. Then we can name it after your rain gutter.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 3.652 months I'll be a sea urchin.
WOMAN: Darling, I have something (adjective) to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the (noun) again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little (noun).
MAN: (Loud exclamation)! Sweetheart, that's (adjective) news. Here, sit down on this (noun). You must take the weight off your (plural noun).
WOMAN: He said I was in (adjective) health. He measured my (noun) and took a sample of my (a liquid).
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a/an (noun).
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a/an (noun). Then we can name it after your (noun).
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in (a number) months I'll be a/an (noun).
Thorny Tree Lady said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something delicious to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the standing fan again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little rainy day.
MAN: Sha-ZAAAAMMMM! Sweetheart, that's serpentine news. Here, sit down on this questioning 4-year-old. You must take the weight off your washed-up rock stars trying to revive their careers by participating on reality programs on obscure cable channels.
WOMAN: He said I was in articulate health. He measured my aggavating hangnail and took a sample of my baby formula.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a houseguest who's overstayed her welcome.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a 15 month old baby who's amazed at her own reflection in the mirror. Then we can name it after your mini-Cooper that drives through the neighborhood 10 miles over the speed limit.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 8,675,309 months I'll be an unsupportive bra with no elastic.
Klin said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something ratted-hair to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the melt-in-your-mouth-meatloaf again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little Ginormous-hundred-acre wood.
MAN: SI-LENCE! Sweetheart, that's ginormous news. Here, sit down on this ratted-hair-that-looks-like-a-football-helmet. You must take the weight off your super-smelly-cleats.
WOMAN: He said I was in creamy health. He measured my pouring rain and took a sample of my melted ice cream.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a very loud stereo.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a vacuum. Then we can name it after your muddy puddle.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 1279 months I'll be a screaming kid in the car wash.
Suzanne said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something red to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the head again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little shoulder.
MAN: Holy Heck! Sweetheart, that's yellow news. Here, sit down on this knee. You must take the weight off your fancy cheeses.
WOMAN: He said I was in blue health. He measured my toes and took a sample of my Koolaid.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or an eye.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be an ear. Then we can name it after your mouth.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 34 months I'll be a nose.
Tori:) said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something spiky to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the arm hair again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little toaster.
MAN: CRAP!!!! Sweetheart, that's spunky news. Here, sit down on this magnet. You must take the weight off your dandruff flakes.
WOMAN: He said I was in spazzy health. He measured my $2 bill and took a sample of my Diet Dr. Pepper.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or an apron.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a swing set. Then we can name it after your contact lens.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 9 months I'll be a snake skin.
Natalie said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something completely irritating to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the earlobe hair again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little freak of nature.
MAN: Why can't you hold still a minute! Sweetheart, that's black cherry-scented news. Here, sit down on this fan blade. You must take the weight off your scalp dents.
WOMAN: He said I was in crying because I can't sleep on the floor health. He measured my Hannah Montana protester and took a sample of my drool.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or chocolate milk residue.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a buttock dimple. Then we can name it after your cow about to give birth.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 129847 months I'll be a snot bubble.
Wynne said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something clumpy to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the armadillo again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little garbage truck.
MAN: By the power of Grayskull! Sweetheart, that's marvelous news. Here, sit down on this toe jam. You must take the weight off your worms.
WOMAN: He said I was in fish-like health. He measured my fire station and took a sample of my pickle juice.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a split end.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be Gay Pride. Then we can name it after your Zion.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 1/4 months I'll be a Macarena.
Dalene said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something greasy to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the monkey wrench again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little carbuncle.
MAN: Oy vey! Sweetheart, that's cheesy news. Here, sit down on this dust bunny. You must take the weight off your pick-up sticks.
WOMAN: He said I was in sketchy health. He measured my snood and took a sample of my molten lava.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a hanging chad.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a Sprite bottle. Then we can name it after your rain gutter.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 3.652 months I'll be a sea urchin.
Friday, August 29, 2008
A Letter of Complaint #1
Last time we went to the beach, we stayed at a nice little inn. No complaints out of us - but if we'd had any, this letter would have come in handy.
Dear Sir or (noun),
I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).
Natalie said...
Dear Sir or Guy on the train who wants you to take a nude picture of him in the dressing room,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your only eats the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown scab was an outrageous yap-yap. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of hairy armpits. All I found in my room was a trash angry goose butt filled with old sewer rats in disguise. You also claimed to offer free overnight straining in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new blinding grocery store laser across the street in a vacant electrolysis enjoyer. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were waftingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my Bob the Builder obsesser, but he broke two of my uvulas while giving me a Swedish tipped-over cow. Your room service was a totally dipheaded joke! They not only served burnt lukewarm vomit but spilled a hot cup of nipple ring accessories all over my newly pressed adorable Sunbeam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a child that says she loves yogurt but eats one bite and says she hates it! I'm planning to sue you for a million speech impediments.
Klin said...
Dear Sir or Banana,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your ginormously large hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown printer was an outrageous bird. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of juicy cantaloupes. All I found in my room was a trash book shelf filled with old empty boxes. You also claimed to offer free overnight screaming in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Breaking Dawn across the street in a vacant sock. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were excruciatingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my new furniture, but he broke two of my eyelids while giving me a Swedish basement. Your room service was a soft-a-licious joke! They not only served burnt soaking tub but spilled a hot cup of aching feet all over my newly pressed school. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a picture window! I'm planning to sue you for a million connected printers.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Sir or Half-eaten Peach,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your Cheetah-licious hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown measuring tape was an outrageous lotion dispenser. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of Olympic Beach Volleyball Cheerleaders. All I found in my room was a trash Martina McBride filled with old Applebee's Resturant patrons. You also claimed to offer free overnight gagging in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Cheetah Girl across the street in a vacant Olympic Silver Medal. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were begrudgingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my empty bag of Fritos, but he broke two of my earlobes while giving me a Swedish knapsack. Your room service was a nauseating joke! They not only served burnt at-home pregnancy test but spilled a hot cup of abandoned flip-flop all over my newly pressed laundry basket. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a dull razor! I'm planning to sue you for a million nervous children on their first day back to school.
Wynne said...
Dear Sir or Feces,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your crushing hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sedimentary rock was an outrageous penguin. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of punk rockers. All I found in my room was a trash cat sick filled with old missionaries. You also claimed to offer free overnight drowning in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new bubble gum across the street in a vacant diaper rash. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were queasily inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my clam chowder, but he broke two of my orifices while giving me a Swedish Parthenon. Your room service was a slippery joke! They not only served burnt smoke but spilled a hot cup of twinkie all over my newly pressed rutabaga. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a Suburban! I'm planning to sue you for a million dust motes.
Dalene said...
Dear Sir or Tricep,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your deliriously incompetent hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown bicep was an outrageous quadricep. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of nematodes. All I found in my room was a trash cubicle filled with old epithets. You also claimed to offer free overnight masticating in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new clavicle across the street in a vacant cuticle. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were expeditiously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my abyss, but he broke two of my anterior cruciate ligaments while giving me a Swedish catalyst. Your room service was an ooey-gooey joke! They not only served burnt catharsis but spilled a hot cup of doorknob all over my newly pressed door jam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing toe jam! I'm planning to sue you for a million apothecary jars.
Dear Sir or (noun),
I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).
Natalie said...
Dear Sir or Guy on the train who wants you to take a nude picture of him in the dressing room,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your only eats the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown scab was an outrageous yap-yap. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of hairy armpits. All I found in my room was a trash angry goose butt filled with old sewer rats in disguise. You also claimed to offer free overnight straining in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new blinding grocery store laser across the street in a vacant electrolysis enjoyer. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were waftingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my Bob the Builder obsesser, but he broke two of my uvulas while giving me a Swedish tipped-over cow. Your room service was a totally dipheaded joke! They not only served burnt lukewarm vomit but spilled a hot cup of nipple ring accessories all over my newly pressed adorable Sunbeam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a child that says she loves yogurt but eats one bite and says she hates it! I'm planning to sue you for a million speech impediments.
Klin said...
Dear Sir or Banana,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your ginormously large hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown printer was an outrageous bird. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of juicy cantaloupes. All I found in my room was a trash book shelf filled with old empty boxes. You also claimed to offer free overnight screaming in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Breaking Dawn across the street in a vacant sock. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were excruciatingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my new furniture, but he broke two of my eyelids while giving me a Swedish basement. Your room service was a soft-a-licious joke! They not only served burnt soaking tub but spilled a hot cup of aching feet all over my newly pressed school. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a picture window! I'm planning to sue you for a million connected printers.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Sir or Half-eaten Peach,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your Cheetah-licious hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown measuring tape was an outrageous lotion dispenser. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of Olympic Beach Volleyball Cheerleaders. All I found in my room was a trash Martina McBride filled with old Applebee's Resturant patrons. You also claimed to offer free overnight gagging in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Cheetah Girl across the street in a vacant Olympic Silver Medal. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were begrudgingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my empty bag of Fritos, but he broke two of my earlobes while giving me a Swedish knapsack. Your room service was a nauseating joke! They not only served burnt at-home pregnancy test but spilled a hot cup of abandoned flip-flop all over my newly pressed laundry basket. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a dull razor! I'm planning to sue you for a million nervous children on their first day back to school.
Wynne said...
Dear Sir or Feces,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your crushing hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sedimentary rock was an outrageous penguin. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of punk rockers. All I found in my room was a trash cat sick filled with old missionaries. You also claimed to offer free overnight drowning in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new bubble gum across the street in a vacant diaper rash. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were queasily inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my clam chowder, but he broke two of my orifices while giving me a Swedish Parthenon. Your room service was a slippery joke! They not only served burnt smoke but spilled a hot cup of twinkie all over my newly pressed rutabaga. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a Suburban! I'm planning to sue you for a million dust motes.
Dalene said...
Dear Sir or Tricep,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your deliriously incompetent hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown bicep was an outrageous quadricep. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of nematodes. All I found in my room was a trash cubicle filled with old epithets. You also claimed to offer free overnight masticating in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new clavicle across the street in a vacant cuticle. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were expeditiously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my abyss, but he broke two of my anterior cruciate ligaments while giving me a Swedish catalyst. Your room service was an ooey-gooey joke! They not only served burnt catharsis but spilled a hot cup of doorknob all over my newly pressed door jam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing toe jam! I'm planning to sue you for a million apothecary jars.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Pickup Lines
A nod to our trip to the beach :)
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away (adverb)!
~ Can I buy you a/an (noun) or do you just want the money?
~ Your (part of the body) must be real tired, because you've been (verb ending in ING) through my (noun) all night long.
~ Your father must have been a/an (occupation), because he stole the (noun) from the (plural noun) and put them in your (part of the body, plural).
~ Is it (adjective) in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a/an (noun)? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those (plural noun) and me with no (plural noun)!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my (part of the body) when I (verb, past tense) for you.
~ I may not be the most (adjective) guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Tori said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away awesomely!
~ Can I buy you a Mo's clam chowder or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been wishing through my seaweed all night long.
~ Your father must have been a perverted beach patroler in charge of inviting innocent women to Happy Hour, because he stole the safety goggles from the really big rocks in the middle of the ocean and put them in your armpits.
~ Is it salty in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a picnic? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those Aubrey's waffles and me with no flowers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my shoulder blade when I vacationed for you.
~ I may not be the most sandy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Wynne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away snakily!
~ Can I buy you cottage cheese or do you just want the money?
~ Your epiglottis must be real tired, because you've been roasting through my airport all night long.
~ Your father must have been a bag boy, because he stole the fungus from the fungi and put them in your cheeks.
~ Is it sweet in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have tooth enamel? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those mice and me with no fragrances!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my nostril when I was bitten for you.
~ I may not be the most sparkly guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away expeditiously!
~ Can I buy you a mismarked measuring tape or do you just want the money?
~ Your uvula must be real tired, because you've been placating through my Michael Phelps all night long.
~ Your father must have been a Head Hunter, because he stole the angry letter from the IRS from the quarters and put them in your pancreas.
~ Is it acrimonious in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a convertible top full of holes? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those gold medals and me with no tubes of Aspercreme!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my pinky toe when I ate for you.
~ I may not be the most purple guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Heffalump said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away righteously!
~ Can I buy you a gorilla or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been swinging through my broccoli all night long.
~ Your father must have been a golf caddy, because he stole the sock monkey from the seagulls and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it tubular in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a pandemic flu? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those sisters and me with no tsunamis!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my adenoid when I dreamed for you.
~ I may not be the most masochistic guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Suzanne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you an Arch Cape or do you just want the money?
~ Your feet must be real tired, because you've been grinning through my Cannon Beach all night long.
~ Your father must have been a shopper, because he stole the Seaside from the waves and put them in your flowers.
~ Is it cold in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a Multnomah Falls? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those giggles and me with no bloggers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my arm when I loved for you.
~ I may not be the most giddy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Klin said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you a breath taking waterfall or do you just want the money?
~ Your armpit must be real tired, because you've been laughing through my sleepless night all night long.
~ Your father must have been a party planner, because he stole the private beach from the Super Happy Girls and put them in your aching from laughter belly.
~ Is it "wouldn't have missed it for the world" fabulous in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have fantastic food? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those seriously jealous onlookers and me with no deluxe accommodations!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my manicured toenails when I enjoyed for you.
~ I may not be the most genuine guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Dalene said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away adoringly!
~ Can I buy you a spectrometer or do you just want the money?
~ Your clavicle must be real tired, because you've been sparking through my chickpea all night long.
~ Your father must have been a crocodile wrangler, because he stole the asteroid belt from the specimens and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it extremely sticky in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have an intake manifold? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those cubicles and me with no globules!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my big toe when I redecorated for you.
~ I may not be the most exoskeletal guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
(For more really horrible pick-up lines - some are listed here - try here.)
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away (adverb)!
~ Can I buy you a/an (noun) or do you just want the money?
~ Your (part of the body) must be real tired, because you've been (verb ending in ING) through my (noun) all night long.
~ Your father must have been a/an (occupation), because he stole the (noun) from the (plural noun) and put them in your (part of the body, plural).
~ Is it (adjective) in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a/an (noun)? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those (plural noun) and me with no (plural noun)!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my (part of the body) when I (verb, past tense) for you.
~ I may not be the most (adjective) guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Tori said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away awesomely!
~ Can I buy you a Mo's clam chowder or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been wishing through my seaweed all night long.
~ Your father must have been a perverted beach patroler in charge of inviting innocent women to Happy Hour, because he stole the safety goggles from the really big rocks in the middle of the ocean and put them in your armpits.
~ Is it salty in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a picnic? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those Aubrey's waffles and me with no flowers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my shoulder blade when I vacationed for you.
~ I may not be the most sandy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Wynne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away snakily!
~ Can I buy you cottage cheese or do you just want the money?
~ Your epiglottis must be real tired, because you've been roasting through my airport all night long.
~ Your father must have been a bag boy, because he stole the fungus from the fungi and put them in your cheeks.
~ Is it sweet in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have tooth enamel? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those mice and me with no fragrances!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my nostril when I was bitten for you.
~ I may not be the most sparkly guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away expeditiously!
~ Can I buy you a mismarked measuring tape or do you just want the money?
~ Your uvula must be real tired, because you've been placating through my Michael Phelps all night long.
~ Your father must have been a Head Hunter, because he stole the angry letter from the IRS from the quarters and put them in your pancreas.
~ Is it acrimonious in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a convertible top full of holes? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those gold medals and me with no tubes of Aspercreme!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my pinky toe when I ate for you.
~ I may not be the most purple guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Heffalump said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away righteously!
~ Can I buy you a gorilla or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been swinging through my broccoli all night long.
~ Your father must have been a golf caddy, because he stole the sock monkey from the seagulls and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it tubular in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a pandemic flu? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those sisters and me with no tsunamis!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my adenoid when I dreamed for you.
~ I may not be the most masochistic guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Suzanne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you an Arch Cape or do you just want the money?
~ Your feet must be real tired, because you've been grinning through my Cannon Beach all night long.
~ Your father must have been a shopper, because he stole the Seaside from the waves and put them in your flowers.
~ Is it cold in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a Multnomah Falls? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those giggles and me with no bloggers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my arm when I loved for you.
~ I may not be the most giddy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Klin said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you a breath taking waterfall or do you just want the money?
~ Your armpit must be real tired, because you've been laughing through my sleepless night all night long.
~ Your father must have been a party planner, because he stole the private beach from the Super Happy Girls and put them in your aching from laughter belly.
~ Is it "wouldn't have missed it for the world" fabulous in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have fantastic food? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those seriously jealous onlookers and me with no deluxe accommodations!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my manicured toenails when I enjoyed for you.
~ I may not be the most genuine guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Dalene said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away adoringly!
~ Can I buy you a spectrometer or do you just want the money?
~ Your clavicle must be real tired, because you've been sparking through my chickpea all night long.
~ Your father must have been a crocodile wrangler, because he stole the asteroid belt from the specimens and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it extremely sticky in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have an intake manifold? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those cubicles and me with no globules!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my big toe when I redecorated for you.
~ I may not be the most exoskeletal guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
(For more really horrible pick-up lines - some are listed here - try here.)
Friday, July 18, 2008
Bringing Home the Good... Or Is It Bad? ... News
Dear Parent,
Here is (person in room)'s report card for the (adjective) eighth grade. He/she has received a/an (letter) in English, a/an (letter) in Mathematics, and an A in Social (plural noun). Unfortunately, we could not give a passing (noun) in (noun) Education because his/her broken (body part) prevented the taking of the final (noun). This (adjective) class can be made up in our summer (noun). The school believes a "parent-(noun)" conference is necessary to discuss (same person in room)'s (adjective) behavior. He/She continues to draw (adjective) pictures on the bathroom (noun) and talks (adverb) behind the teacher's (body part). Please call the principal's (noun) for a/an (adjective) appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr./Ms. (another person in room)
Head (occupation)
Dalene said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Alan's report card for the perturbed eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Neuroses. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing hotbed in Flatbed Education because his broken clavicle prevented the taking of the final flatbread. This incubated class can be made up in our summer compost. The school believes a "parent-joint compound" conference is necessary to discuss Alan's overdone behavior. He continues to draw annoyingly displayed pictures on the bathroom Dutch oven and talks adoringly behind the teacher's pinkie toe. Please call the principal's dust bunny for a preposterous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Annie
Head Parade Pooper-Scooper
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Kate Austin's report card for the salty eighth grade. She has received an S in English, an M in Mathematics, and an A in Social Ineffective Optical Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing phalange in Python Education because her broken uvula prevented the taking of the final jasmine flower. This black class can be made up in our summer scratchy bra that doesn't fit right. The school believes a "parent-photo printer" conference is necessary to discuss Kate's inebriated behavior. She continues to draw labeled pictures on the bathroom Austin Powers impersonator and talks amazingly behind the teacher's hangnail. Please call the principal's David Hasselhoff for an underwhelmed appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Jack Shepheard
Head Porta-Potty Cleaner
Klin said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Chappell's report card for the smelly moldy laundry eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, a W in Mathematics, and an A in Social Driving Me Crazy Whining Girls. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing rolled up rug in Super Happy Husband Education because his broken smooth soft elbow prevented the taking of the final out of tune guitar. This comfy warm flannel class can be made up in our summer stuffed full storage shed. The school believes a "parent-lost and broken camera" conference is necessary to discuss Chappell's sinkful of dirty behavior. He continues to draw jam-packed full pictures on the bathroom his royal highness Sir Pounce-a-Lot and talks joyfully behind the teacher's big toe toenail. Please call the principal's very empty panty for a smells like a wet dog appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Nicole
Head Gynecologist
Suzanne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Bonnie's report card for the hot eighth grade. She has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Monkeys. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing Grumpy in Sleepy Education because her broken armpit prevented the taking of the final Bashful. This sticky class can be made up in our summer Doc. The school believes a "parent-Sneezy" conference is necessary to discuss Bonnie's smelly behavior. She continues to draw sweaty pictures on the bathroom Happy and talks gingerly behind the teacher's toenail. Please call the principal's Dopey for a humid appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Clyde
Head Garbage Man
Wynne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Siegfried's report card for the chunky eighth grade. He has received an M in English, an X in Mathematics, and an A in Social Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing football in Living Room Education because his broken belly button prevented the taking of the final mother. This dilapidated class can be made up in our summer gunnysack. The school believes a "parent-pit viper" conference is necessary to discuss Siegfried's glossy behavior. He continues to draw tangy pictures on the bathroom rock and talks gloopily behind the teacher's gall bladder. Please call the principal's police officer for a gelatinous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Roy
Head Bus Driver
I liked that they're teaching "Social Neuroses" in the eighth grade and the "parent-pit viper" conference.
Here is (person in room)'s report card for the (adjective) eighth grade. He/she has received a/an (letter) in English, a/an (letter) in Mathematics, and an A in Social (plural noun). Unfortunately, we could not give a passing (noun) in (noun) Education because his/her broken (body part) prevented the taking of the final (noun). This (adjective) class can be made up in our summer (noun). The school believes a "parent-(noun)" conference is necessary to discuss (same person in room)'s (adjective) behavior. He/She continues to draw (adjective) pictures on the bathroom (noun) and talks (adverb) behind the teacher's (body part). Please call the principal's (noun) for a/an (adjective) appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr./Ms. (another person in room)
Head (occupation)
Dalene said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Alan's report card for the perturbed eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Neuroses. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing hotbed in Flatbed Education because his broken clavicle prevented the taking of the final flatbread. This incubated class can be made up in our summer compost. The school believes a "parent-joint compound" conference is necessary to discuss Alan's overdone behavior. He continues to draw annoyingly displayed pictures on the bathroom Dutch oven and talks adoringly behind the teacher's pinkie toe. Please call the principal's dust bunny for a preposterous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Annie
Head Parade Pooper-Scooper
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Kate Austin's report card for the salty eighth grade. She has received an S in English, an M in Mathematics, and an A in Social Ineffective Optical Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing phalange in Python Education because her broken uvula prevented the taking of the final jasmine flower. This black class can be made up in our summer scratchy bra that doesn't fit right. The school believes a "parent-photo printer" conference is necessary to discuss Kate's inebriated behavior. She continues to draw labeled pictures on the bathroom Austin Powers impersonator and talks amazingly behind the teacher's hangnail. Please call the principal's David Hasselhoff for an underwhelmed appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Jack Shepheard
Head Porta-Potty Cleaner
Klin said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Chappell's report card for the smelly moldy laundry eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, a W in Mathematics, and an A in Social Driving Me Crazy Whining Girls. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing rolled up rug in Super Happy Husband Education because his broken smooth soft elbow prevented the taking of the final out of tune guitar. This comfy warm flannel class can be made up in our summer stuffed full storage shed. The school believes a "parent-lost and broken camera" conference is necessary to discuss Chappell's sinkful of dirty behavior. He continues to draw jam-packed full pictures on the bathroom his royal highness Sir Pounce-a-Lot and talks joyfully behind the teacher's big toe toenail. Please call the principal's very empty panty for a smells like a wet dog appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Nicole
Head Gynecologist
Suzanne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Bonnie's report card for the hot eighth grade. She has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Monkeys. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing Grumpy in Sleepy Education because her broken armpit prevented the taking of the final Bashful. This sticky class can be made up in our summer Doc. The school believes a "parent-Sneezy" conference is necessary to discuss Bonnie's smelly behavior. She continues to draw sweaty pictures on the bathroom Happy and talks gingerly behind the teacher's toenail. Please call the principal's Dopey for a humid appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Clyde
Head Garbage Man
Wynne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Siegfried's report card for the chunky eighth grade. He has received an M in English, an X in Mathematics, and an A in Social Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing football in Living Room Education because his broken belly button prevented the taking of the final mother. This dilapidated class can be made up in our summer gunnysack. The school believes a "parent-pit viper" conference is necessary to discuss Siegfried's glossy behavior. He continues to draw tangy pictures on the bathroom rock and talks gloopily behind the teacher's gall bladder. Please call the principal's police officer for a gelatinous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Roy
Head Bus Driver
I liked that they're teaching "Social Neuroses" in the eighth grade and the "parent-pit viper" conference.
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