A Letter of Complaint #1

Last time we went to the beach, we stayed at a nice little inn. No complaints out of us - but if we'd had any, this letter would have come in handy.

Dear Sir or (noun),

I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).

Natalie said...
Dear Sir or Guy on the train who wants you to take a nude picture of him in the dressing room,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your only eats the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown scab was an outrageous yap-yap. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of hairy armpits. All I found in my room was a trash angry goose butt filled with old sewer rats in disguise. You also claimed to offer free overnight straining in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new blinding grocery store laser across the street in a vacant electrolysis enjoyer. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were waftingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my Bob the Builder obsesser, but he broke two of my uvulas while giving me a Swedish tipped-over cow. Your room service was a totally dipheaded joke! They not only served burnt lukewarm vomit but spilled a hot cup of nipple ring accessories all over my newly pressed adorable Sunbeam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a child that says she loves yogurt but eats one bite and says she hates it! I'm planning to sue you for a million speech impediments.

Klin said...
Dear Sir or Banana,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your ginormously large hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown printer was an outrageous bird. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of juicy cantaloupes. All I found in my room was a trash book shelf filled with old empty boxes. You also claimed to offer free overnight screaming in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Breaking Dawn across the street in a vacant sock. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were excruciatingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my new furniture, but he broke two of my eyelids while giving me a Swedish basement. Your room service was a soft-a-licious joke! They not only served burnt soaking tub but spilled a hot cup of aching feet all over my newly pressed school. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a picture window! I'm planning to sue you for a million connected printers.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Sir or Half-eaten Peach,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your Cheetah-licious hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown measuring tape was an outrageous lotion dispenser. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of Olympic Beach Volleyball Cheerleaders. All I found in my room was a trash Martina McBride filled with old Applebee's Resturant patrons. You also claimed to offer free overnight gagging in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Cheetah Girl across the street in a vacant Olympic Silver Medal. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were begrudgingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my empty bag of Fritos, but he broke two of my earlobes while giving me a Swedish knapsack. Your room service was a nauseating joke! They not only served burnt at-home pregnancy test but spilled a hot cup of abandoned flip-flop all over my newly pressed laundry basket. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a dull razor! I'm planning to sue you for a million nervous children on their first day back to school.

Wynne said...
Dear Sir or Feces,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your crushing hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sedimentary rock was an outrageous penguin. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of punk rockers. All I found in my room was a trash cat sick filled with old missionaries. You also claimed to offer free overnight drowning in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new bubble gum across the street in a vacant diaper rash. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were queasily inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my clam chowder, but he broke two of my orifices while giving me a Swedish Parthenon. Your room service was a slippery joke! They not only served burnt smoke but spilled a hot cup of twinkie all over my newly pressed rutabaga. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a Suburban! I'm planning to sue you for a million dust motes.

Dalene said...
Dear Sir or Tricep,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your deliriously incompetent hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown bicep was an outrageous quadricep. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of nematodes. All I found in my room was a trash cubicle filled with old epithets. You also claimed to offer free overnight masticating in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new clavicle across the street in a vacant cuticle. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were expeditiously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my abyss, but he broke two of my anterior cruciate ligaments while giving me a Swedish catalyst. Your room service was an ooey-gooey joke! They not only served burnt catharsis but spilled a hot cup of doorknob all over my newly pressed door jam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing toe jam! I'm planning to sue you for a million apothecary jars.

Pickup Lines

A nod to our trip to the beach :)

Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away (adverb)!

~ Can I buy you a/an (noun) or do you just want the money?
~ Your (part of the body) must be real tired, because you've been (verb ending in ING) through my (noun) all night long.
~ Your father must have been a/an (occupation), because he stole the (noun) from the (plural noun) and put them in your (part of the body, plural).
~ Is it (adjective) in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a/an (noun)? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those (plural noun) and me with no (plural noun)!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my (part of the body) when I (verb, past tense) for you.
~ I may not be the most (adjective) guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Tori said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away awesomely!

~ Can I buy you a Mo's clam chowder or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been wishing through my seaweed all night long.
~ Your father must have been a perverted beach patroler in charge of inviting innocent women to Happy Hour, because he stole the safety goggles from the really big rocks in the middle of the ocean and put them in your armpits.
~ Is it salty in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a picnic? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those Aubrey's waffles and me with no flowers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my shoulder blade when I vacationed for you.
~ I may not be the most sandy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Wynne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away snakily!

~ Can I buy you cottage cheese or do you just want the money?
~ Your epiglottis must be real tired, because you've been roasting through my airport all night long.
~ Your father must have been a bag boy, because he stole the fungus from the fungi and put them in your cheeks.
~ Is it sweet in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have tooth enamel? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those mice and me with no fragrances!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my nostril when I was bitten for you.
~ I may not be the most sparkly guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away expeditiously!

~ Can I buy you a mismarked measuring tape or do you just want the money?
~ Your uvula must be real tired, because you've been placating through my Michael Phelps all night long.
~ Your father must have been a Head Hunter, because he stole the angry letter from the IRS from the quarters and put them in your pancreas.
~ Is it acrimonious in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a convertible top full of holes? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those gold medals and me with no tubes of Aspercreme!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my pinky toe when I ate for you.
~ I may not be the most purple guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Heffalump said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away righteously!

~ Can I buy you a gorilla or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been swinging through my broccoli all night long.
~ Your father must have been a golf caddy, because he stole the sock monkey from the seagulls and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it tubular in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a pandemic flu? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those sisters and me with no tsunamis!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my adenoid when I dreamed for you.
~ I may not be the most masochistic guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Suzanne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!

~ Can I buy you an Arch Cape or do you just want the money?
~ Your feet must be real tired, because you've been grinning through my Cannon Beach all night long.
~ Your father must have been a shopper, because he stole the Seaside from the waves and put them in your flowers.
~ Is it cold in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a Multnomah Falls? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those giggles and me with no bloggers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my arm when I loved for you.
~ I may not be the most giddy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Klin said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!

~ Can I buy you a breath taking waterfall or do you just want the money?
~ Your armpit must be real tired, because you've been laughing through my sleepless night all night long.
~ Your father must have been a party planner, because he stole the private beach from the Super Happy Girls and put them in your aching from laughter belly.
~ Is it "wouldn't have missed it for the world" fabulous in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have fantastic food? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those seriously jealous onlookers and me with no deluxe accommodations!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my manicured toenails when I enjoyed for you.
~ I may not be the most genuine guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Dalene said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away adoringly!

~ Can I buy you a spectrometer or do you just want the money?
~ Your clavicle must be real tired, because you've been sparking through my chickpea all night long.
~ Your father must have been a crocodile wrangler, because he stole the asteroid belt from the specimens and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it extremely sticky in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have an intake manifold? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those cubicles and me with no globules!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my big toe when I redecorated for you.
~ I may not be the most exoskeletal guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

(For more really horrible pick-up lines - some are listed here - try here.)

Vacation Dialogue

GIRL: Hello. My name is (girl's name).
BOY: Hi. My name is (male celebrity). I came here with my mother and father and my little (noun).
GIRL: I am here with my best girl (noun). We are staying at the (name of boy) Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great (noun) there. How is the food?
GIRL: (Adjective). But the room only costs (number) dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a/an (noun) for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go (verb ending in ING).
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised (female celebrity) I'd go (verb ending in ING) with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a/an (adjective) Dance at the Hotel (verb ending in ING) Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a/an (adjective) dress and your (kind of shoe, plural). I am going to wear my (plural noun).

Suzanne said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Alice.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward. I came here with my mother and father and my little vampire.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl blood. We are staying at the Jasper Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great red Ford truck there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hot. But the room only costs 1 googolplex dollars a day.
BOY: I rented an immortal for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Bella I'd go kissing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Pale Dance at the Hotel Fighting Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sparkly dress and your boots. I am going to wear my sports cars.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Grizelda Thurburger.
BOY: Hi. My name is Kermit the Frog. I came here with my mother and father and my little heaping pile of nachos.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl pathetic attention-hogging Disney Channel star. We are staying at the Tea-Toddling Tommy Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great only person in America who hasn't seen "The Dark Knight" yet there. How is the food?
GIRL: Vast. But the room only costs 144,000 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a charbroiled hot dog for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go anticipating.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Miss Piggy I'd go quantifying with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Mammoth Dance at the Hotel Rehabilitating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a thundering dress and your mud-covered galoshes. I am going to wear my teething toddlers.

Melonsquirtz said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Knobby Knockers Nancy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Phil Donahue. I came here with my mother and father and my little gerbil drool remover.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl putt putt foofer. We are staying at the never-not-nude Ned Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great trike-riding old biddy there. How is the food?
GIRL: Obsessed with bellybutton preening. But the room only costs 663 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drawers-staining content for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go rear-on-the-carpet dragging.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Kathy Griffin I'd go in-front-of-everyone pants ripping with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Wishes for a Smaller Butt Dance at the Hotel "Old Yeller" Mocking Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a maggot farming dress and your sockie-slippers. I am going to wear my monkey trots.

Klin said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Kristy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward Cullen. I came here with my mother and father and my little mall.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl Macy's grocery store. We are staying at the James Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great not quite bright enough lamp there. How is the food?
GIRL: Slimy. But the room only costs 1 dollar a day.
BOY: I rented a blinding sunlight for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Angelina Jolie I'd go skating with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Scaly Dance at the Hotel Boarding Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a slobbery dress and your stiletto pumps. I am going to wear my monkeys.

Jean Knee said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Jean Knee.
BOY: Hi. My name is Rene Russo. I came here with my mother and father and my little crusty boil.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl panty twisting lynch pin. We are staying at the Drew Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great carotid artery there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hawt. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drippy, leaking bladder for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go laughing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Michelle Kwan I'd go scootching with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Death Defying Dance at the Hotel Enbalming Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sugar teak sucking dress and your Mary Janes. I am going to wear my Mad Libs.

Rachael said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Betty Spaghetti.
BOY: Hi. My name is Matt Damon. I came here with my mother and father and my little cactus.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl nasty old gym shoe. We are staying at the Eddie Spaghetti Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great Cincinnati, Ohio there. How is the food?
GIRL: Gangly. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a cheap wedding ring for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go oozing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Anne Hathaway I'd go snoozing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Jail Striped Dance at the Hotel Slooping Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a gritty dress and your stiletto heels. I am going to wear my ripe bananas.

Dalene said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Penelope.
BOY: Hi. My name is Brad Pitt. I came here with my mother and father and my little clam digger.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl drumstick. We are staying at the Peter Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great rust-bucket there. How is the food?
GIRL: Pent-up. But the room only costs 152 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a limp bandana for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go sleeping.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Madonna I'd go waving with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Perpendicular Dance at the Hotel Matriculating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear an unparalled dress and your Birkenstocks. I am going to wear my bastions of society.