And Now A Word From...

It is almost impossible to watch (adjective)-time television without having some (adjective) athlete pitching a/an (noun) for you to buy. They sell you everything from soup to (plural noun). They are spokespersons for sneakers that (verb), as well as (adjective)-smelling deodorants you put under your (part of body, plural). Other products they endorse are designer (plural noun), watches with (adjective) movements, and (adjective) razors, which they guarantee will remove every (noun) from your (part of body). Athletes make more money from (verb ending in ING) products than they can earn from playing (plural noun).

Klin said...
It is almost impossible to watch cape wearing-time television without having some snot licking athlete pitching a screaming teenage boy for you to buy. They sell you everything from soup to Top Gun flybys. They are spokespersons for sneakers that yodel, as well as half-baked-smelling deodorants you put under your kidneys. Other products they endorse are designer second hand clothes, watches with tattle-telling movements, and ridiculous razors, which they guarantee will remove every exemplary position from your spleen. Athletes make more money from almost shrieking products than they can earn from playing Hawaiian Haystacks.

Millie said...
It is almost impossible to watch diarrhea-resembling-time television without having some headless athlete pitching an ugly pity plant for you to buy. They sell you everything from soup to eyeball jello molds. They are spokespersons for sneakers that screech, as well as smacked silly-smelling deodorants you put under your elbow chub wrinkles. Other products they endorse are designer Kipper stories, watches with lavender with pink stripes movements, and "sniffs when meeting strangers" razors, which they guarantee will remove every bent-over whale tail wearer from your tootsie. Athletes make more money from manhandling products than they can earn from playing Costco birthday cakes.

Heffalump said...
It is almost impossible to watch gut wrenching-time television without having some luminous athlete pitching a carrot-wielding gardener for you to buy. They sell you everything from soup to crock pots full of award winning chili. They are spokespersons for sneakers that reach, as well as addlepated-smelling deodorants you put under your pinkies. Other products they endorse are designer recently pedicured toenails, watches with groggy movements, and dizzying razors, which they guarantee will remove every eensy weensy spider from your mandible. Athletes make more money from smirking products than they can earn from playing moles that strangely change position on faces.

FluffyChicky said...
It is almost impossible to watch hair-raising-time television without having some vomit-inducing athlete pitching a Slap-Happy Sam the Town Drunk for you to buy. They sell you everything from soup to super secret and specially trained attack weasels. They are spokespersons for sneakers that spank, as well as shnockered-smelling deodorants you put under your slightly backed up digestive tract. Other products they endorse are designer boogers, watches with voluptuous movements, and clammy razors, which they guarantee will remove every buffalo shaving contest winner from your surgically enhanced clavicle. Athletes make more money from spitting products than they can earn from playing gnarly thumb knuckles.

Happy Birthday!

Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for (name of girl in room). We are here to celebrate her (noun). All of her most (adjective) friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful (noun). I must say that she doesn't look a day over (number). Naturally, we have some presents. (Boy in room) brought her a beautiful copper (noun) that she can wear on her lovely (noun). And our hostess got her a dozen (plural noun) that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge (adjective) (noun) with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very (adjective) birthday and many happy (plural noun). Now let's all sing together: "Happy (noun) to you!"

Millie said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Bubbles. We are here to celebrate her chicken on a leash. All of her most dipped in cheese sauce until unrecognizable friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful stuffed hash browns. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 631. Naturally, we have some presents. The Amazing Mumford brought her a beautiful copper sparkly and dangerous balloon weight holder thingie that she can wear on her lovely Facebook friendship gone totally awry. And our hostess got her a dozen kitty nuptials that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge, repeatedly mocked juvenile delinquent with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very slivered birthday and many happy dreams about Matt Damon being handsy. Now let's all sing together: "Happy heavily sighing teenager who wants the computer to you!"

Heffalump said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Rainbow Boucle. We are here to celebrate her pipe cleaner creature. All of her most grotesque friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful Captain Crunch. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 17. Naturally, we have some presents. Steve from Blues Clues brought her a beautiful copper peanut throwing squirrel that she can wear on her lovely CD of horrifyingly synthesized music. And our hostess got her a dozen onion rings that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge statuesque post apocalyptic war zone with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very Abba-esque birthday and many happy songs that get stuck in my head. Now let's all sing together: "Happy leg warmers to you!"

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Dolly Parton. We are here to celebrate her opened can of whoopa$$. All of her most sublime friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful sterno. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 14. Naturally, we have some presents. Conan O'Brien brought her a beautiful copper pen with no ink that she can wear on her lovely facebook junkie. And our hostess got her a dozen useless antacid tablets that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge archaic sewing machine with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very frivolous birthday and many happy headphones. Now let's all sing together: "Happy box of tax software to you!"

Klin said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for the girl who wants to marry Flint. We are here to celebrate her pizza. All of her most ginormous friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful sprite. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 468. Naturally, we have some presents. The grumpy teen boy that doesn't like rules brought her a beautiful copper banana that she can wear on her lovely meatball. And our hostess got her a dozen gummy bears that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge glutinous salad with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very stuffed birthday and many happy giant marshmallows. Now let's all sing together: "Happy spaghetti to you!"

More Great School Excuses

Dear Principal,
I am sorry to have to tell you that my (adjective) son/daughter, (name of person in room), will be unable to attend your (adjective) school this week as he/she has caught a case of the (animal) pox. The (adjective) doctor says that it will be (number) weeks before he/she is healthy and back on his/her (part of body, plural) again.

Dear Math Teacher,
I was driving (name of person in room) to school when the (plural noun) failed and my car crashed into a/an (noun). By the time the tow (noun) finally arrived and the (adjective) mechanic (verb, past tense) the (noun) and recharged the (noun), we had missed your (adjective) class.

Millie said...
Dear Principal,
I am sorry to have to tell you that my frequently swooning daughter, Huge Hips Hannah, will be unable to attend your swan-down-covered school this week as she has caught a case of the penguin pox. The "comfortable farting in front of the new girlfriend" doctor says that it will be 2387 weeks before she is healthy and back on her eyelash goobs again.

Dear Math Teacher,
I was driving Peeping Tom to school when the hosed-down protesters failed and my car crashed into a psych ward. By the time the tow thifty nickel finally arrived and the maniacal mechanic footsied the outraged kitty and recharged the ring-and-runner, we had missed your orange with puce stripes class.

Heffalump said...
Dear Principal,
I am sorry to have to tell you that my smart son, Tweedle Dee, will be unable to attend your brand spankin' new school this week as he has caught a case of the rooster pox. The hawt doctor says that it will be 3.7 weeks before he is healthy and back on his phalanges again.

Dear Math Teacher,
I was driving Tweedle Dum to school when the squids failed and my car crashed into jelly. By the time the tow fondue pot finally arrived and the clever mechanic exploded the poker and recharged the fire cracker, we had missed your monkey-like class.

Klin said...
Dear Principal,
I am sorry to have to tell you that my slow going daughter, Shakira, will be unable to attend your disastrous school this week as she has caught a case of the raccoon pox. The orange doctor says that it will be 789 weeks before she is healthy and back on her kidneys again.

Dear Math Teacher,
I was driving Dave to school when the newspapers failed and my car crashed into a window grate. By the time the tow front door finally arrived and the wet mechanic chillaxed the fast car and recharged the old dude, we had missed your glorious class.

Lost and Found

LOST: Dog. A black and (adjective) Cocker (noun) with deep brown (part of body, plural) and a very (adjective) tail. Answers to the name of (person's first name).

LOST: A solid gold (noun) with a/an (adverb) carved wooden (noun) hanging from it. Reward of 50 (plural noun) for the return of this (adjective) heirloom.

LOST: Seven (type of vegetable) diamond (noun) with a sterling (noun) clasp. Gift from (adjective) Grandmother. Owner is (part of body) broken. Generous (noun) offered upon return.

FOUND: A/an (adjective) elephant in my (verb ending in ING) pool. He has (adjective) marks on his hide, a short (noun), and a very (adjective) trunk. Please come and get him. He's eating me out of house and (noun)!

Klin said...
LOST: Dog. A black and creamy Cocker creamy body wash with deep brown ear lobes and a very luxurious tail. Answers to the name of Gustav.

LOST: A solid gold luxurious bubble bath with an especially carved wooden hot & spicy a-meat-a-ball hanging from it. Reward of 50 loaded-with-lead-backpacks for the return of this scorching hot heirloom.

LOST: Seven-cheese-crusted broccoli diamond smelly old sneaker with a sterling red & shiny nose clasp. Gift from sleek & sassy Grandmother. Owner is swollen uvula-broken. Generous scaly and nasty rash offered upon return.

FOUND: A crispy crunchy elephant in my playing pool. He has dirty crusty marks on his hide, a short sicky girl, and a very smelly old trunk. Please come and get him. He's eating me out of house and annoying boy!

Millie said...
LOST: Dog. A black and sock-chewing Cocker twaddle-twaddle with deep brown pancreases and a very dripping with goo tail. Answers to the name of Willow.

LOST: A solid gold wee wee wigwam with a boot-squeakingly carved wooden runaway train (never coming back) hanging from it. Reward of 50 antis for the return of this evilly chuckling heirloom.

LOST: Seven-kohlrabi diamond itchy trigger finger with a sterling delightful old woman who smells like cookies clasp. Gift from charmeuse Grandmother. Owner is elbow chub-broken. Generous peep show offered upon return.

FOUND: A slapped hard on Fridays elephant in my panty-raiding pool. He has leer-heavy marks on his hide, a short ruffle butt onesie, and a very pejorative trunk. Please come and get him. He's eating me out of house and circumstantial evidence!

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter said...
LOST: Dog. A black and sloppy Cocker Wii Mii with deep brown incisors and a very mushy tail. Answers to the name of Nervous Nellie.

LOST: A solid gold surprise announcement with a gingerly carved wooden cable guy hanging from it. Reward of 50 cow patties for the return of this sagging heirloom.

LOST: Seven-okra diamond dirty underwear with a sterling 44 oz Diet Coke clasp. Gift from befuddled Grandmother. Owner is patella-broken. Generous President Obama's Inauguration Commemorative Plate offered upon return.

FOUND: A verbose elephant in my defriending pool. He has egomaniacal marks on his hide, short David Hasslehoff's hair, and a very putrid trunk. Please come and get him. He's eating me out of house and Gong Show reject!

Dave said...
LOST: Dog. A black and sharp Cocker sword with deep brown ear hairs and a very homely tail. Answers to the name of Paul.

LOST: A solid gold therapist with a floatingly carved wooden pen hanging from it. Reward of 50 anemones for the return of this enigmatic heirloom.

LOST: Seven-rutabaga diamond album cover with a sterling taco cat clasp. Gift from psychedelic Grandmother. Owner is thumb knuckle-broken. Generous fish offered upon return.

FOUND: A palindromic elephant in my mocking pool. He has tasty marks on his hide, a short program, and a very tricky trunk. Please come and get him. He's eating me out of house and boss!

FluffyChicky says...
LOST: Dog. A black and green Cocker man boobs with deep brown buttocks and a very blindingly ugly tail. Answers to the name of Mervin.

LOST: A solid gold jilted Viking princess with a skankily carved wooden Rex Harrison wannabe hanging from it. Reward of 50 large albino Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor for the return of this flabby heirloom.

LOST: Seven-overly ripe radish diamond Marty Feldman’s crazy eyes with a sterling chum filled bathtub clasp. Gift from in-your-face Grandmother. Owner is pus-filled hangnail-broken. Generous hemorrhoid ointment offered upon return.

FOUND: An odorous elephant in my plucking pool. He has foppish marks on his hide, a short discarded prosthetic arm, and a very patronizing trunk. Please come and get him. He's eating me out of house and previously occupied coffin!

New Year's Resolutions 2010

1. I, (name of person in room), will (verb) every day at the gym for at least (number) minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only (number) servings of (noun).
3. I will watch only (adjective) television shows.
4. I will tell (name of person in room) that I think he/she is a/an (adjective) (noun).
5. I will ask my boss for a/an (number)-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a/an (adjective) personality.
7. I will take my (noun) to (noun) at least once a month.
8. I will (verb) one book every (number) weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least (number) pounds.
10. I will return the (adjective) (plural noun) I borrowed from (person in room).
11. I will get on a (noun) and only spend (number) dollars a month.

Millie said...
1. I, Raunchmouth Rhonda, will sprint for the bathroom every day at the gym for at least 237 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 17 servings of breaded fried goldfish.
3. I will watch only zippered television shows.
4. I will tell Shirtless Sheila that I think she is a has-her-mouth-duct-taped-shut pen lid stuck in the printer.
5. I will ask my boss for a 45-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have an agnostic personality.
7. I will take my cod cake to a pantsed and swirlied freshman at least once a month.
8. I will goose one book every 8 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 1.23872 pounds.
10. I will return the living-in-a-dresser angry bees I borrowed from Incredibly Bulky Brad.
11. I will get on a kettlekorn syrup drip and only spend pi-r squared dollars a month.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter said...
1. I, Hillary Clinton, will grow every day at the gym for at least 8,675,309 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 1,984 servings of celery root.
3. I will watch only verbose television shows.
4. I will tell Nancy Pelosi that I think she is a bewildered Nintendo DSi.
5. I will ask my boss for a 9-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a weary personality.
7. I will take my Mint Milano Cookie to the carpet cleaner at least once a month.
8. I will snore at one book every 8 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 3.14159 pounds.
10. I will return the apprehensive pepperoni slices I borrowed from Sarah Palin.
11. I will get on a Fisher Price Nativity Set and only spend 815 dollars a month.

Klin said...
1. I, Squirt, will poop every day at the gym for at least 10 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 1 serving of The Mall.
3. I will watch only anxiously waiting television shows.
4. I will tell Coco that I think she is a shivering & shaking whiteout snowstorm.
5. I will ask my boss for a 989-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a fortified with iron personality.
7. I will take my buggy baby bunting to the annoying telephone at least once a month.
8. I will kiss one book every 75 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 129 pounds.
10. I will return the loaded with delicious fattening vehicles off the side of the road I borrowed from Sox.
11. I will get on a 120 count crayola crayon box and only spend 29 dollars a month.