Little Red Riding Hood

One day, Little (color) Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of (plural noun) for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big (adjective) wolf. "(Exclamation)!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little (silly word)?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf (verb, past tense) away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "what big (plural noun) you have." "The better to (verb) you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big (plural noun) you have." The wolf said, "The better to (verb) you with." And then she said, "What big (plural noun) you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
One day, Little Puce Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of strawberry flavored creme wafers for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big completely ape-crap wolf. "Don't call me Shirley!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little dang-flabbit?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf partied like it was 1999 away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "what big bouncing and spinning lotto number balls you have." "The better to hand-quilt you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big Spring Break "Girls Gone Wild" hopefuls you have." The wolf said, "The better to rage against the machine you with." And then she said, "What big soft pretzels covered in yellow mustard you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.

Millie said...
One day, Little Clear Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of bratty next door neighbor children for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big on-maternity-leave wolf. "Ya JACKASS!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little Flaboobity?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf smacked with a bat away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "what big uneven chestages you have." "The better to wipe you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big slug antennae you have." The wolf said, "The better to stomp you with." And then she said, "What big chowchows you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.

Klin said...
One day, Little Fuschia Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of mounds of tennis balls for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big obnoxiously in my face wolf. "Holy Banana Cakes!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little Schumananogle?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf sweated like a pig away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "what big noisy cabinet installers you have." "The better to entirely exhaust you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big dishes going everywhere you have." The wolf said, "The better to laze you with." And then she said, "What big too many things you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.

Mrs. Organic said...
One day, Little Boot Black Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of flip-flops for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big scuzzy wolf. "Oh snap!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little googly moogly?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf barfed away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "what big canning jars you have." "The better to shovel you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big make-outs you have." The wolf said, "The better to hop you with." And then she said, "What big overalls you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.

Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee

As much as we all love The Sound of Music, and as many mocking opportunities as it gives us, it's time to change things up.

I give you Miss "Hickey-From-Kenickie" Rizzo, making fun of poor sweet little Sandy in Grease. (Some people are so touchy.)

I don't drink (Eww!) or swear (Ewwwww!), I won't rat my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get ill from one cigarette!
Keep your filthy paws off my silky drawers!
Would you pull that crap with Annette?

Here's how yours turned out:

I don't sing (Eww!) or dance (Ewwwww!), I won't fly my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get fancy from one cigarette!
Keep your gross nostrils off my freakin' awesome jockstrap!
Would you pull that crap with Angelina?

Posted by b. | Sunday, August 12, 2007 11:38:00 PM


I don't love (Eww!) or shop (Ewwwww!), I won't swim my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get frizzy from one cigarette!
Keep your disgusting eyebrows off my sexy stiletto heels!
Would you pull that crap with Jennifer?

Posted by Corrie | Monday, August 13, 2007 12:07:00 AM


I don't twitch (Eww!) or stare (Ewwwww!), I won't sharpen my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get tasty from one cigarette!
Keep your putrified earlobes off my dainty stocking!
Would you pull that crap with Lindsay?

Posted by Heffalump | Monday, August 13, 2007 12:17:00 AM


I don't scare (Eww!) or fly (Ewwwww!), I won't pluck my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get bounteous from one cigarette!
Keep your slimy long-haired warts off my funkified ankle bracelet!
Would you pull that crap with Brittney?

Posted by Anne/kq | Monday, August 13, 2007 9:30:00 AM


I don't mall (Eww!) or brush (Ewwwww!), I won't lick my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get unavoidable from one cigarette!
Keep your foolish elbows off my luscious pants!
Would you pull that crap with Hillary?

Posted by No Cool Story | Monday, August 13, 2007 10:41:00 AM

I don't grill (Eww!) or gripe (Ewwwww!), I won't giggle my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get lavish from one cigarette!
Keep your puny nosehairs off my snarky jogging suit!
Would you pull that crap with Angelina?

Posted by An Ordinary Mom | Monday, August 13, 2007 10:51:00 AM

I don't hop (Eww!) or skip (Ewwwww!), I won't blog my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get bodacious from one cigarette!
Keep your gnarly chin hairs off my flighty parachute pants!
Would you pull that crap with Paula?

Posted by Methodical wormer | Monday, August 13, 2007 1:16:00 PM

I don't skip (Eww!) or hop-scotch (Ewwwww!), I won't flop my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get green from one cigarette!
Keep your mean noses off my scratchy bracelet!
Would you pull that crap with Oprah?

Posted by nikko | Monday, August 13, 2007 1:18:00 PM

I don't poop (Eww!) or vomit (Ewwwww!), I won't spit my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get exciting from one cigarette!
Keep your depressed butts off my wimpy jockstrap!
Would you pull that crap with Mia? (Hamm)

Posted by Tori :) | Monday, August 13, 2007 1:37:00 PM

I don't kiss (Eww!) or cut (Ewwwww!), I won't sew my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get silly from one cigarette!
Keep your stinky hands off my scrumptious scarf!
Would you pull that crap with Marilyn?

Posted by Suzanne | Monday, August 13, 2007 3:52:00 PM

I don't forget (Eww!), or run (Ewwwww!), I won't cook my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get massive with one cigarette!
Keep your disgusting feet off my adoring earmuffs!
Would you pull that crap with Brittney?

Posted by Emma Sometimes | Monday, August 13, 2007 4:41:00 PM

I don't ignore (Eww!) or stare (Ewwwww!), I won't sit my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get blank from one cigarette!
Keep your NOT cool cheeks off my wet pj's!
Would you pull that crap with Julia?

Posted by Kayelyn | Monday, August 13, 2007 8:35:00 PM

I don't circumnavigate (Eww!) or stink (Ewwwww!), I won't deviate my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get ginormous from one cigarette!
Keep your putrid cheeks off my splendid beret!
Would you pull that crap with Lady Macbeth?

Posted by compulsive writer | Monday, August 13, 2007 9:04:00 PM

I don't drive (Eww!) or sit (Ewwwww!), I won't talk my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get pinkish orange from one cigarette!
Keep your disgusting toenails off my tall flip flops!
Would you pull that crap with Hermione?

Posted by Melissa | Monday, August 13, 2007 11:22:00 PM

I don't swim (Eww!) or sleep (Ewwwww!), I won't run my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get curly from one cigarette!
Keep your stinky nostrils off my shiny jeans!
Would you pull that crap with Cher?

Posted by Kelli in the Mirror | Tuesday, August 14, 2007 6:33:00 AM

I don't slap (Eww!) or tickle (Ewwwww!), I won't poke my hair (EWWWWWWW!),
I get hormonal from one cigarette!
Keep your saggy earlobes off my heavenly shin guards!
Would you pull that crap with the Fruitcake Lady?

Posted by Annie | Tuesday, August 14, 2007 8:36:00 AM

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

I'm still in a Sound of Music mood. Thanks to all who played!

She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee, her dress has got a tear.
She waltzes on her way to Mass and whistles on the stair.
And underneath her wimple, she has curlers in her hair!
I've even heard her singing in the Abbey!

Here's how yours turned out:

She climbs a Jen and scrapes her head, her death shroud has got a tear.
She covers on her way to Mass and shivers on the stair.
And underneath her wedding gown she has party goers in her hair!
I've even heard her stealing in the Abbey!
Posted by Annie

She climbs Iowa and scrapes her elbow, her slipper has got a tear.
She drinks on her way to Mass and poses on the stair.
And underneath her sock she has books in her hair!
I've even heard her snoring in the Abbey!
Posted by Kayelyn

She climbs a policeman and scrapes her arm, her pants have got a tear.
She laughs on her way to Mass and shudders on the stair.
And underneath her shoes she has blocks in her hair!
I've even heard her jumping in the Abbey!
Posted by Carrot Jello

She climbs the soap and breaks her elbow, her shorts have got a tear.
She jumps on her way to Mass and falls on the stair.
And underneath her skirt, she has couches in her hair!
I've even heard her kissing in the Abbey!
Posted by glittersmama

She climbs a diaper and scrapes her armpit, her scarf has got a tear.
She slides on her way to Mass and spins on the stair.
And underneath her headband, she has fungi in her hair!
I've even heard her blazing in the Abbey!
Posted by An Ordinary Mom

She climbs an egg and scrapes her finger, her skirt has got a tear.
She soars on her way to Mass and eats on the stair.
And underneath her scarf, she has trees in her hair!
I've even heard her swimming in the Abbey!
Posted by Corrie

She climbs a rusty old crutch and scrapes her split lip, her ratty Grateful Dead concert shirt has got a tear.
She gracefully leaps on her way to Mass and clumsily stumbles on the stair.
And underneath that crazy umbrella hat she got in the Bahamas, she has unruly children in her hair!
I've even heard her trainspotting in the Abbey!
Posted by Sketchy

She climbs a dog and scrapes her toe, her nursing bra has got a tear.
She vomits on her way to Mass and crouches on the stair.
And underneath her sunglasses, she has park benches in her hair!
I've even heard her sizzling in the Abbey!
Posted by nikko

She climbs a wrench and scrapes her ear lobe, her wing tip shoes have got a tear.
She glides on her way to Mass and slithers on the stair.
And underneath her bed pan, she has cough drops in her hair!
I've even heard her jumping in the Abbey!
Posted by Jean Knee

She climbs a pom-pom and scrapes her ankle, her mini-skirt has got a tear.
She dances on her way to Mass and leaps on the stair.
And underneath her wig, she has siblings in her hair!
I've even heard her surfing in the Abbey!
Posted by Tori :)

She climbs a unicorn and scrapes her elbow, her flip flops have got a tear.
She hollers on her way to Mass and eats on the stair.
And underneath her jeweled crown, she has galoshes in her hair!
I've even heard her snickering in the Abbey!
Posted by Suzanne

She climbs some yarn and scrapes her belly button, her Converse sneakers have got a tear.
She dances on her way to Mass and bounces on the stair.
And underneath her bandana, she has magazines in her hair!
I've even heard her eating in the Abbey!
Posted by Melissa

She climbs a foam finger and scrapes her face, her bermuda shorts have got a tear.
She bellows on her way to Mass and sings on the stair.
And underneath her Gator baseball hat, she has tailgaters in her hair!
I've even heard her rooting in the Abbey!
Posted by Carrie

She climbs a ring and scrapes her ankle, her girdle has got a tear.
She crunches on her way to Mass and bellows on the stair.
And underneath her basket of fruit, she has pimples in her hair!
I've even heard her burping in the Abbey!
Posted by Brillig

She climbs a fruitcake and scrapes her eyebrow, her legwarmer has got a tear.
She sashays on her way to Mass and pirouettes on the stair.
And underneath her lampshade, she has mousepads in her hair!
I've even heard her exasperating in the Abbey!
Posted by Luisa Perkins

She climbs Ann Arbor, Michigan and scrapes her ankle, her leg warmer has got a tear.
She types on her way to Mass and writes on the stair.
And underneath her beanie hat, she has rocks in her hair!
I've even heard her digging in the Abbey!
Posted by Trena

She climbs some duct tape and scrapes her pinky finger, her sweat band has got a tear.
She swings on her way to Mass and spits on the stair.
And underneath her bandana, she has piranhas in her hair!
I've even heard her washing in the Abbey!
Posted by Heffalump

She climbs a trash bag and scrapes her cuticle, her g-string has got a tear.
She flashes on her way to Mass and sparkles on the stair.
And underneath her earmuffs, she has toothbrushes in her hair!
I've even heard her beaming in the Abbey!
Posted by Anne/kq

She climbs a stapler and scrapes her gall bladder, her stirrup pants have got a tear.
She scoops on her way to Mass and shrinks on the stair.
And underneath her fedora, she has boogers in her hair!
I've even heard her blogging in the Abbey!
Posted by Methodical wormer

Fraulein Helga

The quote I chose was from Sound of Music - the scene where Maria has just said, "Poor little dears," then discovered the frog in her pocket. The housekeeper says, "You're very lucky. With Fraulein Helga, it was a snake."

Here's how your versions turned out:

"You're very fluffy. With Fraulein Daphne, it was a skateboard."
glittersmama | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 3:24:00 PM

"You're very angelic. With Fraulein Anne, it was chocolate."
Brillig | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 3:48:00 PM

"You're very limp. With Fraulein Gregorio, it was a strip."
No Cool Story | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 5:21:00 PM

"You're very hawt! With Fraulein Humberto, it was a brake."
Tori :) | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 5:27:00 PM

"You're very swollen. With Fraulein Marcia, it was a nose."
Tori :) | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 5:28:00 PM

"You're very forlorn. With Fraulein Andrew, it was lemonade."
Corrie | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 6:48:00 PM

"You're very sweaty. With Fraulein Wiiiiillllliiiiiaaammm!! it was armour."
b. | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 7:43:00 PM

"You're very angry. With Fraulein William, it was a kilt."
b. | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 7:44:00 PM

"You're very frustrated. With Fraulein Penelope, it was a fingerprint."
An Ordinary Mom | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 8:40:00 PM

"You're very fiesty. With Fraulein Rumplestiltskin, it was a hymnbook."
Elizabeth-W | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 8:51:00 PM

"You're very slutty. With Fraulein Jennifer, it was toast."
Luisa Perkins | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 8:53:00 PM

"You're very turgid. With Fraulein Felicity, it was a rhyme."
Luisa Perkins | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 8:54:00 PM

"You're very bucktoothed. With Fraulein Hanna, it was Montana."
b. | Tuesday, July 31, 2007 9:18:00 PM

"You're very snarky. With Fraulein Henry, it was a buffalo."
Carrie | Wednesday, August 01, 2007 12:54:00 AM

"You're very unbelievable. With Fraulein Orlando, it was a skateboard."
Luisa Perkins | Wednesday, August 01, 2007 5:23:00 AM

"You're very lively. With Fraulein Jen, it was a coffin."
Annie

I like the housekeeper's observations ("You're very sweaty"), and that Fraulein became a guy a few times, and it's funny to imagine the children slipping things like skateboards and hymnbooks and Montana into the new governesses' pockets and the new governesses being horrified when they pull them out... Oh no! TOAST!!

Shall we play it again sometime? This was a trial run. I have more ideas. :)