ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this (noun) or soak in our (adjective) spa, you must follow these (adjective) rules.
1. No nude (verb ending in ING) allowed. Men must wear (adjective) shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing (plural nouns) or (adjective) bikinis.
2. No (plural noun) under the age of (number) are allowed in the (noun) unless accompanied by a (noun).
3. (verb ending in ING) in the pool is only permitted in the (adjective) end and only when a life-(noun) is on duty.
4. People with (adjective) hair must wear bathing (plural noun).
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, (adverb) cover your arms, legs, and (part of the body) with a (adjective) lotion. You don't want to get a (noun) burn!
Have a (adjective) day!
Millie said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this enormous Nyquil capsule or soak in our needle-nosed spa, you must follow these lobster-resembling rules.
1. No nude gouging allowed. Men must wear trembling shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing lamb tongues or searched at the airport bikinis.
2. No deftly aiming pigeons under the age of 28 are allowed in the sharpened stick unless accompanied by a piano concerto.
3. Squawking in the pool is only permitted in the spanking fresh end and only when a life-screaming-for-water houseplant is on duty.
4. People with uncertain hair must wear bathing garden weeds.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, backwardly cover your arms, legs, and aorta with a dresses in period costumes for no discernible reason lotion. You don't want to get a botched nose job burn!
Have a Star Trek-avoiding day!
Heffalump said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this dilapidated barn or soak in our besmirched spa, you must follow these rugged rules.
1. No nude pleading allowed. Men must wear travel stained shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing prescriptions or imperialistic bikinis.
2. No subscriptions under the age of 72 are allowed in the grandfather clock unless accompanied by an empty tissue box.
3. Gesturing in the pool is only permitted in the germ ridden end and only when a life-nasal spray is on duty.
4. People with weathered hair must wear bathing inscriptions.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, gracefully cover your arms, legs, and earlobe with a musky lotion. You don't want to get a stopwatch burn!
Have an idiotic day!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
A Commercial Message from the Sponsor
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look (adjective) and (adjective)?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth (adjective) after only (number) brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-(liquid)," a secret ingredient known to your (adjective) druggist as (name of a toothpaste). Chomp attacks the (adjective) acids in your mouth and leaves your breath (adjective) and (adjective). It will make your (noun) feel (adjective) and will also stimulate your (plural noun). Always keep the familiar (color) tube of Chomp handy in your (noun).
And now, back to our western program, "Have (noun), Will Travel!"
Millie said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look drop-kicked and addicted to Sims?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth plastic and transparent after only 38 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-slurp," a secret ingredient known to your unimaginably stenchy druggist as Colgate. Chomp attacks the bird-chirping acids in your mouth and leaves your breath blowin' in the wind and best forgotten. It will make your potty goer feel cheap and will also stimulate your runaway hogs. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your misfit toy.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Philatelist, Will Travel!"
Heffalump said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look preposterous and bewildered?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth besmirched after only 71 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-carrot juice," a secret ingredient known to your wildebeest-like druggist as Plaquenator Plus Whitening. Chomp attacks the numb acids in your mouth and leaves your breath expensive and dandelion yellow. It will make your battery feel fizzy and will also stimulate your singed eyebrows. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your fishing pole.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Olympic Badminton Coach, Will Travel!"
J-Dog said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look twitchy and demonic?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth odd after only 1,234,000,015.76 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-teriyaki sauce," a secret ingredient known to your bloodshot druggist as Lady Gaga's Signature Plaque Away. Chomp attacks the inhumane acids in your mouth and leaves your breath rabid and smelly. It will make your light bulb feel constipated and will also stimulate your severed Muppet heads. Always keep the familiar puce tube of Chomp handy in your moldy kimono.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Nyquil Sleepy Time Smoothie, Will Travel!"
Klin said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look orange and cheesy?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth ridiculous after only 24 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-shampoo," a secret ingredient known to your super-dee-duper druggist as Crest 3D. Chomp attacks the sweaty acids in your mouth and leaves your breath fastidious and fatigued. It will make your speeding train feel rushing and will also stimulate your smelly 30 year old home canned peaches. Always keep the familiar chartreuse tube of Chomp handy in your long-freaking day.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Lighthouse, Will Travel!"
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth (adjective) after only (number) brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-(liquid)," a secret ingredient known to your (adjective) druggist as (name of a toothpaste). Chomp attacks the (adjective) acids in your mouth and leaves your breath (adjective) and (adjective). It will make your (noun) feel (adjective) and will also stimulate your (plural noun). Always keep the familiar (color) tube of Chomp handy in your (noun).
And now, back to our western program, "Have (noun), Will Travel!"
Millie said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look drop-kicked and addicted to Sims?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth plastic and transparent after only 38 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-slurp," a secret ingredient known to your unimaginably stenchy druggist as Colgate. Chomp attacks the bird-chirping acids in your mouth and leaves your breath blowin' in the wind and best forgotten. It will make your potty goer feel cheap and will also stimulate your runaway hogs. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your misfit toy.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Philatelist, Will Travel!"
Heffalump said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look preposterous and bewildered?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth besmirched after only 71 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-carrot juice," a secret ingredient known to your wildebeest-like druggist as Plaquenator Plus Whitening. Chomp attacks the numb acids in your mouth and leaves your breath expensive and dandelion yellow. It will make your battery feel fizzy and will also stimulate your singed eyebrows. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your fishing pole.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Olympic Badminton Coach, Will Travel!"
J-Dog said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look twitchy and demonic?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth odd after only 1,234,000,015.76 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-teriyaki sauce," a secret ingredient known to your bloodshot druggist as Lady Gaga's Signature Plaque Away. Chomp attacks the inhumane acids in your mouth and leaves your breath rabid and smelly. It will make your light bulb feel constipated and will also stimulate your severed Muppet heads. Always keep the familiar puce tube of Chomp handy in your moldy kimono.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Nyquil Sleepy Time Smoothie, Will Travel!"
Klin said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look orange and cheesy?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth ridiculous after only 24 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-shampoo," a secret ingredient known to your super-dee-duper druggist as Crest 3D. Chomp attacks the sweaty acids in your mouth and leaves your breath fastidious and fatigued. It will make your speeding train feel rushing and will also stimulate your smelly 30 year old home canned peaches. Always keep the familiar chartreuse tube of Chomp handy in your long-freaking day.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Lighthouse, Will Travel!"
Friday, June 10, 2011
Page from an Analyst's Notebook
This is the case history of (name of fellow in room) who is suffering from a/an (noun) complex. He also has abnormal fears of (plural noun) and (adjective) schizophrenia. As a child, he had a/an (adjective) mother who never let him (verb) outside and paid no attention to his (plural noun). Also, his father refused to let him play little league (noun).
When he was (number) years old, his (an animal) ran away on a rainy night which is why he (verb ending in S) at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the (noun), spends all his time watching (a sport) on TV while eating boxes of (an animal) biscuits.
Heffalump said...
This is the case history of Tyrone who is suffering from a cavity complex. He also has abnormal fears of chocolate chips and swirling schizophrenia. As a child, he had an effortless mother who never let him trudge outside and paid no attention to his vitamins. Also, his father refused to let him play little league beanie baby.
When he was .176 years old, his jackalope ran away on a rainy night which is why he grimaces at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the cracked wheat cereal, spends all his time watching croquet on TV while eating boxes of hippo biscuits.
Millie said...
This is the case history of the Earl of Sandwich who is suffering from a woman in 7-B complex. He also has abnormal fears of lickspittles and rapidly snarfed schizophrenia. As a child, he had a winking at nothing mother who never let him impersonate outside and paid no attention to his tar bubbles. Also, his father refused to let him play little league mozzarella cheese stick.
When he was 234 years old, his duck ran away on a rainy night which is why he profligates at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the ginormous stankwad, spends all his time watching cow-tipping on TV while eating boxes of monkey armpit mite biscuits.
Klin said...
This is the case history of Kid Rock who is suffering from a crazy music video complex. He also has abnormal fears of insurance companies and peanut buttery schizophrenia. As a child, he had a flowy mother who never let him rap outside and paid no attention to his candy bars. Also, his father refused to let him play little league Justin Bieber.
When he was 21 years old, his aardvark ran away on a rainy night which is why he sings at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the dorky commercial, spends all his time watching rugby on TV while eating boxes of canine biscuits.
When he was (number) years old, his (an animal) ran away on a rainy night which is why he (verb ending in S) at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the (noun), spends all his time watching (a sport) on TV while eating boxes of (an animal) biscuits.
Heffalump said...
This is the case history of Tyrone who is suffering from a cavity complex. He also has abnormal fears of chocolate chips and swirling schizophrenia. As a child, he had an effortless mother who never let him trudge outside and paid no attention to his vitamins. Also, his father refused to let him play little league beanie baby.
When he was .176 years old, his jackalope ran away on a rainy night which is why he grimaces at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the cracked wheat cereal, spends all his time watching croquet on TV while eating boxes of hippo biscuits.
Millie said...
This is the case history of the Earl of Sandwich who is suffering from a woman in 7-B complex. He also has abnormal fears of lickspittles and rapidly snarfed schizophrenia. As a child, he had a winking at nothing mother who never let him impersonate outside and paid no attention to his tar bubbles. Also, his father refused to let him play little league mozzarella cheese stick.
When he was 234 years old, his duck ran away on a rainy night which is why he profligates at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the ginormous stankwad, spends all his time watching cow-tipping on TV while eating boxes of monkey armpit mite biscuits.
Klin said...
This is the case history of Kid Rock who is suffering from a crazy music video complex. He also has abnormal fears of insurance companies and peanut buttery schizophrenia. As a child, he had a flowy mother who never let him rap outside and paid no attention to his candy bars. Also, his father refused to let him play little league Justin Bieber.
When he was 21 years old, his aardvark ran away on a rainy night which is why he sings at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the dorky commercial, spends all his time watching rugby on TV while eating boxes of canine biscuits.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Letter of Complaint
Dear Sir or (noun),
I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).
Klin said... (Yay! You're back!)
Dear Sir or Grandbaby,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your smelly hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown burp diaper was an outrageous chihuahua. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of poopy diapers. All I found in my room was a trash schnauzer/shi tzu mix dog filled with old pulled pork sandwiches. You also claimed to offer free overnight flooding in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Provo Canyon across the street in a vacant sidewalk. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were much inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my rainy day, but he broke two of my nostrils while giving me a Swedish hand sanitizer. Your room service was an adorable joke! They not only served burnt scrapbook but spilled a hot cup of relaxing drive all over my newly pressed flour canister. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a potsticker! I'm planning to sue you for a million bean burritos.
Millie said...
Dear Sir or Ketchup Stain,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your low on funds hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sap drip was an outrageous kitty trousers. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of cherry pies. All I found in my room was a trash creep in the lingerie aisle filled with old stake high councilors. You also claimed to offer free overnight wafting in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new death breath across the street in a vacant tall drink of water. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were subversively inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my usurped PTA president, but he broke two of my tootsies while giving me a Swedish four-leaf clover. Your room service was an offended by E.T. joke! They not only served burnt Beach Boy but spilled a hot cup of country song about going into rehab all over my newly pressed turkey neck. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a suspicious brown crumb! I'm planning to sue you for a million corn on the cob holders.
Heffalump said...
Dear Sir or Telescope,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your creepy hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown ski mask was an outrageous gag. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of zip ties. All I found in my room was a trash chloroform filled with old rubber gloves. You also claimed to offer free overnight pleading in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Polaroid camera across the street in a vacant ransom note written with poorly cut out letters from a magazine. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were horrifyingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my lock pick, but he broke two of my fingerprints while giving me a Swedish taser. Your room service was a stealthy joke! They not only served burnt getaway car but spilled a hot cup of duct tape all over my newly pressed rope. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a black sweatsuit! I'm planning to sue you for a million shoes with common treads.
I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).
Klin said... (Yay! You're back!)
Dear Sir or Grandbaby,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your smelly hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown burp diaper was an outrageous chihuahua. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of poopy diapers. All I found in my room was a trash schnauzer/shi tzu mix dog filled with old pulled pork sandwiches. You also claimed to offer free overnight flooding in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Provo Canyon across the street in a vacant sidewalk. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were much inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my rainy day, but he broke two of my nostrils while giving me a Swedish hand sanitizer. Your room service was an adorable joke! They not only served burnt scrapbook but spilled a hot cup of relaxing drive all over my newly pressed flour canister. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a potsticker! I'm planning to sue you for a million bean burritos.
Millie said...
Dear Sir or Ketchup Stain,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your low on funds hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sap drip was an outrageous kitty trousers. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of cherry pies. All I found in my room was a trash creep in the lingerie aisle filled with old stake high councilors. You also claimed to offer free overnight wafting in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new death breath across the street in a vacant tall drink of water. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were subversively inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my usurped PTA president, but he broke two of my tootsies while giving me a Swedish four-leaf clover. Your room service was an offended by E.T. joke! They not only served burnt Beach Boy but spilled a hot cup of country song about going into rehab all over my newly pressed turkey neck. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a suspicious brown crumb! I'm planning to sue you for a million corn on the cob holders.
Heffalump said...
Dear Sir or Telescope,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your creepy hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown ski mask was an outrageous gag. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of zip ties. All I found in my room was a trash chloroform filled with old rubber gloves. You also claimed to offer free overnight pleading in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Polaroid camera across the street in a vacant ransom note written with poorly cut out letters from a magazine. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were horrifyingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my lock pick, but he broke two of my fingerprints while giving me a Swedish taser. Your room service was a stealthy joke! They not only served burnt getaway car but spilled a hot cup of duct tape all over my newly pressed rope. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a black sweatsuit! I'm planning to sue you for a million shoes with common treads.
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