A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the (noun)
Not a creature was stirring, not even a/an (noun).
The (plural noun) were tucked, all snug in their (plural noun),
While visions of (adjective) plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the (noun) there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my (noun) to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little (adjective) belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of (plural noun).
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the (plural noun), then turned with a jerk,
And laying his (noun) aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the (noun) he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he (verb, past tense) out of sight,
(Adjective) Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Klin said...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the soft fluffy blanket
Not a creature was stirring, not even a tall shiny Christmas tree.
The stockings hung by the chimney with care were tucked, all snug in their blue and silver ornaments,
While visions of shiny plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the light up nativity set there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my garland trimmed mantel to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little sparkly belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of baskets of goodies coming to my door.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the parties and parties and parties galore, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his Rudolph the red nosed reindeer aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the partridge in a pear tree he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he spent out of sight,
"Merry and bright Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Natalie said...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the dim bulb
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Spongebob worshipper.
The unintelligent apes were tucked, all snug in their kiss-and-make-uppers,
While visions of wibble-wobbly plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the fern frond there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my toe-as-finger replacement to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little banal belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of ceiling fan accessories.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the cable guys, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his Slurpee machine aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the hippy chicken he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he smacked gum out of sight,
"Misconstrued Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Thorny Tree Lady said...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the baby who's begging to sit on your lap
Not a creature was stirring, not even a 3 month old candy corn.
The cool kids from High School were tucked, all snug in their earache drops,
While visions of giggle inducing plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the former child star who's trying to make a comeback there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my oblivious cell phone using driver to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little hair raising belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of saltine crackers.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the moments of silence, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his coconut hand lotion aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the Cocomotion Hot Cocoa Maker he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he over-ate out of sight,
"Toe curling Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Description of the Lovely Group that I am in #1

We are having a perfectly (adjective) time this evening in the (adjective) home of (name of person in room). The rooms are decorated (adverb) with many stylish (plural noun) that must have cost at least (number) dollars. The guests are all (adjective) conversationalists and are all (adverb) dressed. (Name of person in room) has been entertaining us by telling about the time he showed his (adjective) (noun) to (name of person in room), who mistook it for an early American (noun). The refreshments are (adjective) and the idea of serving (a liquid) on the rocks showed (adjective) imagination. Visiting here is always a/an (adjective) experience.

Klin said...
We are having a perfectly rip roaring windy time this evening in the super shiny and new home of Tree Monkey. The rooms are decorated particularly with many stylish very loud snores that must have cost at least 2,389 dollars. The guests are all stinky smelly vomitous conversationalists and are all ostentatiously dressed. Oldest has been entertaining us by telling about the time he showed his fergaliscious smelly boys room to Aunt Becca, who mistook it for an early American yucky sick and vomiting little girl. The refreshments are mint chocolate and the idea of serving melted all-over the place ice cream on the rocks showed fudgy chocolate delicious imagination. Visiting here is always a fatigued beyond all experience.

Natalie said...
We are having a perfectly licked up one side and down the other time this evening in the Sprout-watching home of Tonsil Hockey Tonya. The rooms are decorated condescendingly with many stylish uneven stacks of pancakes that must have cost at least 2387428374 dollars. The guests are all bath-needing conversationalists and are all curtain-hidingly dressed. Drippy Drooping Drew has been entertaining us by telling about the time he showed his tiptoeing through the tulips petrified lip crumb to Fish-slapped Fiona, who mistook it for an early American hundred dollar bill. The refreshments are red and itchy and the idea of serving calf slurp on the rocks showed spleen-obsessed imagination. Visiting here is always a white bread experience.

Suzanne said...
We are having a perfectly red time this evening in the green home of Santa. The rooms are decorated quietly with many stylish Christmas lights that must have cost at least 2 dollars. The guests are all gold conversationalists and are all forcefully dressed. Mrs. Claus has been entertaining us by telling about the time she showed her blue reindeer to The Grinch, who mistook it for an early American Christmas tree. The refreshments are white and the idea of serving egg nog on the rocks showed silver imagination. Visiting here is always a metallic experience.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
We are having a perfectly nogalicious time this evening in the cheese-erific home of PaPa Elf. The rooms are decorated sickeningly with many stylish leftover fruitcakes that must have cost at least 12 dollars. The guests are all fudgetastic conversationalists and are all pointedly dressed. Jovie has been entertaining us by telling about the time she showed her holly-fied wheel of Gouda to Miles Finch, who mistook it for early American mistletoe. The refreshments are underperforming and the idea of serving molten gold on the rocks showed non-jovial imagination. Visiting here is always a Christmas Punch-drunk experience.

Quick Quiz #1

Who am I? I am a/an (adjective) American. I was born (number) years ago in (geographical location). When my father first saw me he said, "(Exclamation)!" I am (number) feet tall, have (adjective) brown eyes, and a/an (adjective) complexion. My hobby is collecting (plural noun). I always speak (adverb) and I have made several (adjective) motion pictures. I am married to (person's name), the well known Hollywood (noun). I have given away thousands of (plural noun) to charity. My most prominent physical characteristics are my (adjective) nose and my large (noun). Who am I?

ANSWER: I am (name of person in room).

Dalene said...
Who am I? I am an embellished American. I was born B-52 years ago in The Isle of Man. When my father first saw me he said, "Ay Carumba!" I am .99234 and a half feet tall, have rambunctious brown eyes, and an over-inflated complexion. My hobby is collecting arch nemeses. I always speak unwittingly and I have made several infectious motion pictures. I am married to Zelda, the well known Hollywood encyclopedia. I have given away thousands of inkblot tests to charity. My most prominent physical characteristics are my ego-maniacal nose and my large phobia. Who am I?

ANSWER: I am Wiley Coyote.

Natalie said...
Who am I? I am a snotty American. I was born 98 years ago in Whoville. When my father first saw me he said, "Keep that guy away from my cocaine!" I am 234879832 feet tall, have hung upside down brown eyes, and a pie-snorfing complexion. My hobby is collecting shower-needers. I always speak coughing-stuff-uppingly and I have made several bilingual motion pictures. I am married to Ned Nederlander, the well known Hollywood bird leer. I have given away thousands of cat yaks to charity. My most prominent physical characteristics are my can't say "rural" without cracking up nose and my large angry elf. Who am I?

ANSWER: I am Stanky Starla.

Becky said...
Who am I? I am a buger green American. I was born 99 years ago in Jellystone National Park. When my father first saw me he said, "Mother of Pearl!!!" I am 1,000,000 feet tall, have crazy brown eyes, and a fearful complexion. My hobby is collecting trashcans. I always speak stubbornly and I have made several mind-boggling motion pictures. I am married to Frosty the Snowman, the well known Hollywood wooly mammoth. I have given away thousands of semicolons to charity. My most prominent physical characteristics are my potential nose and my large entourage. Who am I?

ANSWER: I am Anne Ridgecrest.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Who am I? I am a coordinationally challenged American. I was born 8,675,309 years ago in the island where the people from LOST live. When my father first saw me he said, "Holy Schneikies!" I am 815 feet tall, have headache inducing brown eyes, and a rabid complexion. My hobby is collecting empty Reeses Peanut Butter cup mini wrappers. I always speak unceremoniously and I have made several in dire need of dental floss motion pictures. I am married to Glenn Beck, the well known Hollywood Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes fame. I have given away thousands of two-liter bottles of 7-Up Pomegranate to charity. My most prominent physical characteristics are my unusually calm for a mother of 17 kids nose, and my large recipe box full of 17 years of collected and organized recipes that your 18 month old spilled on the floor, leaving it no longer organized. Who am I?

ANSWER: I am Princess Buttercup.

Relatives

Ending sooner this week... sorry.

This is a/an (adjective) explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably (adjective). Parents consist of one mother and one (noun). Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your (noun)," or "Stop picking your (noun)!" Brothers and sisters are called (plural noun) and they are often a pain in the (part of the body). Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' (plural noun). They will buy you (a food) when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your (noun). Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or (a holiday) to eat a big (a bird). Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.

Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...
This is a bowlegged explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably emasculated. Parents consist of one mother and one Claritin addict. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your crunchy leaf on the sidewalk," or "Stop picking your snoopy janitor!" Brothers and sisters are called speculums and they are often a pain in the finger. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' giggling psychopaths. They will buy you tomato aspic when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your piece of jelly toast. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or St. Swithin's Day to eat a big macaw. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.

Wynne said...
This is a cheesy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably segregated. Parents consist of one mother and one burnt toast. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your dust bunny," or "Stop picking your wishful thinking!" Brothers and sisters are called toenail clippings and they are often a pain in the flappy underarm fat. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' octupi. They will buy you anchovies when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cellulite. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Pioneer Day to eat a big penguin. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.

Suzanne said...
This is a yummy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably delicious. Parents consist of one mother and one plate. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your fork," or "Stop picking your knife!" Brothers and sisters are called potatoes and they are often a pain in the belly. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' cranberries. They will buy you stuffing when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cup. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Christmas to eat a big Big Bird. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.

Football Broadcast

Natalie said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Tsetse Flies and the West Point Winebibbers. The center has just snapped the Barney effigy back to the Columbia star halfback, Ben Stein, who is running around his own left mascara goop. There he's tackled hard around the hard-boiled egg. Now it's West Point's ball and 1238973 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Bea Arthur, who fades back and throws a long, up too early pass which is caught by Captain Kangaroo, who is West Point's inexplicably itchy quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the flowers-sending mop for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 bottle of Windex line. He's going to penalize West Point for hog-calling.

CoconutKate said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Platypi and the West Point Songs. The center has just snapped the line back to the Columbia star halfback, Bruce Willis, who is running around his own left sticker. There he's tackled hard around the tomato pincushion. Now it's West Point's ball and 11 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Bill Nye the Science guy, who fades back and throws a long, orangy-green pass which is caught by The Rock, who is West Point's pajama clad quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the fake ID for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 half-dead plant line. He's going to penalize West Point for cavorting.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Undomesticated Equines and the West Point Disgruntled "No on Prop 8" Supporters. The center has just snapped the USPS forwarding address label back to the Columbia star halfback, Tom Cruise, who is running around his own left crusty piece of leftover birthday cake. There he's tackled hard around the unmade bed. Now it's West Point's ball and 815 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Paris Hilton, who fades back and throws a long, curious pass which is caught by Lindsay Lohan, who is West Point's uneducated quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the barrel of monkeys for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 bag of cherry sours line. He's going to penalize West Point for excavating.

Klin said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Fuzzy-wuzzy-cute Hamsters and the West Point Chorus of Yapping/Barking Dogs. The center has just snapped the about-to-take-off-while-spinning washer back to the Columbia star halfback, Brad Pitt, who is running around his own left so-saturated-it-might-flood soil. There he's tackled hard around the freaking-piles-and-piles-of-bedding. Now it's West Point's ball and 89,216 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Madonna, who fades back and throws a long, incredibly adorable pass which is caught by Drew Barrymore, who is West Point's sickeningly amazing quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the too-dirty-to-cook-in-kitchen for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 soaking wet dog line. He's going to penalize West Point for driving-and-driving.

Dalene said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Blue Wildebeests and the West Point Toenail Clippings. The center has just snapped the bright orange traffic cone back to the Columbia star halfback, Bruce Willis, who is running around his own left melty ice cream cone. There he's tackled hard around the Madonna cone. Now it's West Point's ball and 362.876 and a 1/2 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Penn, who fades back and throws a long, egomaniacal pass which is caught by Teller, who is West Point's quintessentially insignificant quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the conehead for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 frosted pinecone line. He's going to penalize West Point for headbanging.

Sketchy said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Blast-ended Screwts and the West Point Mountains upon Mountains of Dirty Laundry. The center has just snapped the lonely unmatched sock in the dryer back to the Columbia star halfback, Eeyore, who is running around his own left roly-poly bug. There he's tackled hard around the long walk home. Now it's West Point's ball and 9.2 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Morris the cat, who fades back and throws a long, red-necked, yeller-bellied, piece of dung scraped off of somebody's shoe pass which is caught by his arch enemy Garfield, who is West Point's quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the sparkling green pen for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 spam, glorious spam! line. He's going to penalize West Point for deliciously satisfying.

Samson and Delilah

(A tragic dialogue)

Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those (adjective) exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my (plural noun) in shape. After all, I'm the strongest (noun) in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look (adjective). Look at the way your hair hangs down over your (noun).
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a/an (noun).
Delilah: (Derogatory exclamation)! You promised to take me to a/an (adjective) party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll (verb) my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this (noun) and I'll give you a/an (adjective) haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your (noun) is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: (Adjective).

Natalie said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those hamster ball chasing exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my mouthy children in shape. After all, I'm the strongest barrel-suspenders combo in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look pill gobbling. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your piece of cheese stuck to the sink.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a ratchet.
Delilah: Don't tell me my business, boy! You promised to take me to a spazzing out party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll denounce my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this kitty nostril and I'll give you an addicted to Facebook haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your yap-yap is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Bemused.

Suzanne said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those sticky exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my queasy stomachs in shape. After all, I'm the strongest Snickers in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look sweet. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your Milky Way.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.
Delilah: Oh crud, I think I'm going to throw up! You promised to take me to a sour party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll barf my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this Dum Dum and I'll give you a chocolatey haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your Blow Pop is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Gooey.

Mel Smell said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those full of gut froth exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my adult public fit throwers in shape. After all, I'm the strongest secret bra pocket content in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look like you respond well to pancakes. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your creep that likes to blow up skirts with his leaf blower.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a whiff of seafood restaurant dumpster.
Delilah: PU, is that smell coming from your goiter?! You promised to take me to a smells like foot stew party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll make stupid noises with my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this armpit tattoo and I'll give you a fears-farting-loudly-in-quiet-overpopulated-rooms haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your proctologist frequenter is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Like I have an itchy hiney crevice.

Dalene said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those whiney-mouthed exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my incumbent politicians in shape. After all, I'm the strongest banana peel in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look button-bustin'. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your stray cat.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a sneaky, dirty rotten, pig-stealing stray cat that lives next door.
Delilah: Jane, you ignorant slut! You promised to take me to a squishy party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll snort my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this leftover halloween candy and I'll give you an insipid haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your ghost of Christmas past is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Melodramatic.

Klin said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those not-hawt looking exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my pouty-"I didn't get my own way" children in shape. After all, I'm the strongest almost full flash drive in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look purplicious. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your Howie Mandel.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a stupid-box aka TV.
Delilah: Please shut your screamy face! You promised to take me to a super-silky-soft party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll chug my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this speed-demon driver and I'll give you a grumpy-self-absorbed haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your soaking tub is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Walking-off-in-a-huff.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those hungry like the wolf exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my 4 kids sick off too much Halloween candy in shape. After all, I'm the strongest hanging chad in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look fake as Donald Trump's hair. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your fingernail highly in need of a manicure.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a 20 week ultrasound picture.
Delilah: You warthog-faced buffoon! You promised to take me to a completely underestimated party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll snogg my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this Pringles can and I'll give you a sappier than Kate and Leo in Titanic haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your realtor who won't return your calls is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Angry.

Voting Made Easy as One, Two, Three

Here are some very (adjective) instructions on how to vote, brought to you by the Citizens for (verb ending in ING) Awareness:

Step 1: Sign in with one of the (plural noun) at the registration table. You may have to show them your (noun) to prove your identity.
Step 2: Proceed (adverb) to an available (verb ending in ING) booth. (Be sure to close the (noun) behind you so that no one can watch you (verb).)
Step 3: How you vote varies from (noun) to (noun). In some states, you (verb) by pulling a/an (noun) with your (part of the body). In others, you must mark a ballot by placing a/an (letter of the alphabet) in a small (noun) opposite your candidate's (noun).

"(Exclamation!)" you will cry. "Voting's as easy as (type of food)!" So be sure to (verb) on Election Day, because every (noun) counts!

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Here are some very haunting instructions on how to vote, brought to you by the Citizens for Gazing Awareness:

Step 1: Sign in with one of the East High Wildcats at the registration table. You may have to show them your dreamy Troy Bolton to prove your identity.
Step 2: Proceed expeditiously to an available whining booth. (Be sure to close the baby bottle full of rancid milk behind you so that no one can watch you explode.)
Step 3: How you vote varies from dead cricket under my couch to crusty booger. In some states, you enrage by pulling a glorious can of diet coke with your uvula. In others, you must mark a ballot by placing an A in a small crowded freeway opposite your candidate's empty gas tank.

"Awwww, FIDDLESTICKS!" you will cry. "Voting's as easy as homemade carmel apple!" So be sure to sleep on Election Day, because every rubber baby buggy bumper counts!

Dalene said...
Here are some very utterly inconsequential instructions on how to vote, brought to you by the Citizens for Stunning Awareness:

Step 1: Sign in with one of the fleabites at the registration table. You may have to show them your volcano to prove your identity.
Step 2: Proceed conspicuously to an available exacerbating booth. (Be sure to close the chickpea behind you so that no one can watch you frolic.)
Step 3: How you vote varies from anvil to nunnery. In some states, you hop by pulling a big toe with your left ventricle. In others, you must mark a ballot by placing an H in a small clavicle opposite your candidate's push-up.

"Oy vey!" you will cry. "Voting's as easy as anchovies!" So be sure to conceive on Election Day, because every buckle counts!

Klin said...
Here are some very sneaky instructions on how to vote, brought to you by the Citizens for Smelling Awareness:

Step 1: Sign in with one of the splatters at the registration table. You may have to show them your Halloween to prove your identity.
Step 2: Proceed obnoxiously to an available puking booth. (Be sure to close the fingernail polish behind you so that no one can watch you behave.)
Step 3: How you vote varies from baby powder to bouquet. In some states, you disapprove by pulling a Malibu Barbie with your navel. In others, you must mark a ballot by placing a K in a small monkey opposite your candidate's picture.

"HOLY MOLY!" you will cry. "Voting's as easy as pizza!" So be sure to muddle on Election Day, because every bandaid counts!

Eat, Drink, and Be Sick

An inspector from the Department of Health and (noun) Services paid a surprise visit to our (adjective) school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our (adjective) dietician, was spaghetti and (noun)-balls with a choice of either a/an (noun) salad or french (plural noun). The inspector found the meat-(plural noun) to be overcooked and discovered a live (noun) in the fries, causing him to have a/an (part of the body)ache. In response, he threw up all over his (plural noun). In his report, the inspector (adverb) recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious (plural noun) as well as low-calorie (plural noun), and that all of the saturated (plural noun) be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a/an (letter of the alphabet)-minus.

Tori:) said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Taco Shell Services paid a surprise visit to our crusty school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our flaky dietician, was spaghetti and cotton ball-balls with a choice of either a lemon wedge salad or french cocker spaniels. The inspector found the meat-zits to be overcooked and discovered a live eye booger in the fries, causing him to have an earlobe ache. In response, he threw up all over his phone books. In his report, the inspector gleefully recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious films as well as low-calorie toenails, and that all of the saturated carpet fibers be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a V-minus.

Klin said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Leaf Covered Lawn Services paid a surprise visit to our scrumpdillyuptious school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our super fast dietician, was spaghetti and rain spotted car-balls with a choice of either an 8 inches of snow salad or french piles of files. The inspector found the meat-shattered windshields to be overcooked and discovered a live very long meeting in the fries, causing him to have a dermatitis ache. In response, he threw up all over his aching feets. In his report, the inspector snuggily recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious baskets of laundry needing folded as well as low-calorie tall chairs, and that all of the saturated burning logs be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a Q-minus.

Dalene said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Rotunda Services paid a surprise visit to our half-naked school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our existential dietician, was spaghetti and global economic crisis-balls with a choice of either a last can of beer on the wall salad or french bare feet. The inspector found the meat-tiny green frogs to be overcooked and discovered a live deep sigh in the fries, causing him to have a funny bone ache. In response, he threw up all over his bowls of hot fudge sauce. In his report, the inspector grotesquely recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious crisp autumn leaves as well as low-calorie half-baked ideas, and that all of the saturated sunken-faced trading-floor dropouts be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a Z-minus.

CoconutKate said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Ribbon Services paid a surprise visit to our striped school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our fuzzy dietician, was spaghetti and cardboard box-balls with a choice of either a surgical tubing salad or french sand boxes. The inspector found the meat-cars to be overcooked and discovered a live insurance card in the fries, causing him to have an epidermis ache. In response, he threw up all over his cribs. In his report, the inspector calmly recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious diamond rings as well as low-calorie muskrat, and that all of the saturated knives be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a P-minus.

Our School

The school theme continues...

(Name of school) is one of America's (adjective, superlative) institutions of (adjective) learning.

The student body is composed of (number) males and (number) (plural noun). The (same plural noun) make the best grades. Students can eat lunch in the (adjective) school cafeteria which features boiled (plural noun) and (noun) sandwiches, with all the (liquid) they can drink, for only 74 cents. The principal of the school, (a famous person), is raising money to build a new (noun) laboratory and a new football (noun). Any student who goes to this school can consider himself very (adjective).

Suzanne said...
The School of Hard Knocks is one of America's stinkiest institutions of red learning.

The student body is composed of 5 males and 2 clouds. The clouds make the best grades. Students can eat lunch in the yellow school cafeteria which features boiled mountains and grass sandwiches, with all the water they can drink, for only 74 cents. The principal of the school, John McCain, is raising money to build a new house laboratory and a new football bush. Any student who goes to this school can consider himself very blue.

Klin said...
Juliet's Beauty School is one of America's scariest institutions of ripped learning.

The student body is composed of 58 males and 129 decorations. The decorations make the best grades. Students can eat lunch in the hard school cafeteria which features boiled sea shells and candle sandwiches, with all the thick, sticky molasses they can drink, for only 74 cents. The principal of the school, Julia Roberts, is raising money to build a new pumpkin laboratory and a new football hole. Any student who goes to this school can consider himself very turquoise.

Dalene said...
Sarah Palin School for Russian Studies is one of America's most frigidest institutions of eloquent learning.

The student body is composed of 700 billion males and 3.625 vice presidential candidates. The vice presidential candidates make the best grades. Students can eat lunch in the experienced school cafeteria which features boiled political pundits and national debt sandwiches, with all the Pepto Bismol they can drink, for only 74 cents. The principal of the school, Henry M. Paulson, is raising money to build a new golden parachute laboratory and a new football bottomed-out 401-K. Any student who goes to this school can consider himself very effervescent.

See you next week!

Report By Student Protest Committee

Fellow Students of (full name of school)! We members of the Students for a/an (adjective) Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of (plural noun). He has just fired our friend, Professor (name of person in room), because he wore his (part of the body) long, and because he dressed in (article of clothing) and wore old (plural noun). Next week we are going to protest by taking over the (noun) building and kidnapping the Assistant (noun). We also will demand that all students have the right to wear (adjective) hair and (adjective) beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with (Plural noun)!"

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Fellow Students of The Culinary Institute of America! We members of the Students for a Dreary Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Dirty Diapers. He has just fired our friend, Professor Sarah Palin, because she wore her nasal cavity long, and because she dressed in a bra with no elastic held together by safety pins and wore old BYU Football Fans. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Greedy Real Estate Agent building and kidnapping the Assistant Potty-Training DVD. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear dreadful hair and abhorrent beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with unruly nose hairs!"

Natalie said...
Fellow Students of Lizzie Borden's Chop Shop Academy! We members of the Students for a Making Annoying Noises and About to be Slapped Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Drool Bibs. He has just fired our friend, Professor Tipsy Giggling Gert, because she wore her booger vault long, and because she dressed in fingerless hobo gloves and wore old goldfish crackers with menacing expressions. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Hot Dog Bra building and kidnapping the Assistant Creep in the Lingerie Aisle. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear Zoboomafoo-worshipping hair and fate-tempting beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with the chickens next door!"

Klin said...
Fellow Students of Lakeview Elementary! We members of the Students for a Screaming Loud and Head Pounding Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Piles of Needing to be Shredded Files. He has just fired our friend, Professor Fabulous Franco, because he wore his ear wax storage cavity long, and because he dressed in Happy Bunny socks and wore old overwhelming details of the new job. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Upset with Daddy Child building and kidnapping the Assistant Hard Working Hubby. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear shouting above the television volume hair and whining about homework beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with silly puzzle doing teens!"

Dalene said...
Fellow Students of Amy Winehouse's Finishing School for Girls! We members of the Students for a Manic Depressive Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Coconut Bras. He has just fired our friend, Professor Rowley, because he wore his little fleshy part between one's big and second toes long, and because he dressed in sand-washed bvds and wore old organ grinders. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the All-Day Sucker building and kidnapping the Assistant Dunce Cap. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear slightly used hair and low-budget beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with fleabites!"

Wynne said...
Fellow Students of The Sir Fartswell Academy of Macrame Weaving! We members of the Students for a Blunt Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Squids. He has just fired our friend, Professor Good Fairy Lucinda, because she wore her spleen long, and because she dressed in a garter and wore old Chef Boyardees. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the Emu building and kidnapping the Assistant Granite. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear swank hair and bloated beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with stump-grinding factories!"

Tarzan

One of the most (adjective) characters in fiction is called "Tarzan of the (plural noun)." Tarzan was raised by a/an (noun) and lives in a/an (adjective) jungle in the heart of darkest (a place). He spends most of his time eating (plural noun) and swinging from tree to (noun). Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, "(A funny noise)!" This is his war cry.

Tarzan always dresses in (adjective) shorts made from the skin of a/an (noun), and his best friend is a/an (adjective) chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and (plural noun). In the movies, Tarzan is played by (a person).

Dalene said...
One of the most perky characters in fiction is called "Tarzan of the Backyardigans." Tarzan was raised by a mousetrap and lives in a swanky jungle in the heart of darkest Freakin' Neverland. He spends most of his time eating spelunkers and swinging from tree to wet blanket. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, "Ribbet!" This is his war cry.

Tarzan always dresses in spunky shorts made from the skin of a snuffleupagus, and his best friend is a pert chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and French hens. In the movies, Tarzan is played by O.J. Simpson.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
One of the most portly characters in fiction is called "Tarzan of the Tina Fey supporters." Tarzan was raised by a not-yet-ripe banana and lives in a disengenuine jungle in the heart of darkest Betty Ford Clinic. He spends most of his time eating "out too early in the year" Christmas Decorations for sale and swinging from tree to long-awaited paycheck. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, "chung-chung!" This is his war cry.

Tarzan always dresses in unequivocal shorts made from the skin of a pound of marshmallow candy pumpkins, and his best friend is a ripped like Michael Phelps chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and ticked-off Sitemeter users. In the movies, Tarzan is played by Michael Scott.

Natalie said...
One of the most drank all the rum and now wants more characters in fiction is called "Tarzan of the diaper pails." Tarzan was raised by a cracker-crushing 4-year-old and lives in a passed out on someone's couch jungle in the heart of darkest Rentown, USA. He spends most of his time eating jukebox heroes and swinging from tree to fly wing puller-offer. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, "Yuh! Yuh!" This is his war cry.

Tarzan always dresses in head for business, bod for sin shorts made from the skin of a toilet wand being used as a guitar, and his best friend is a makes children cry chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and bald Chinese ladies with no pants on. In the movies, Tarzan is played by Pee-Wee Herman.

Sketchy said...
One of the most readily available characters in fiction is called "Tarzan of the dusty diet books." Tarzan was raised by a rusty old hammer and lives in a chill like vegetable jungle in the heart of darkest root cellar. He spends most of his time eating footprints on the ceiling and swinging from tree to Grandpa's world famous chili recipe. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, "Kersfuffle!" This is his war cry.

Tarzan always dresses in smack-happy shorts made from the skin of a vat of homemade rootbeer, and his best friend is a potato-face chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and slurpy spaghetti noodles. In the movies, Tarzan is played by Bob Dole's Aunt Maddie Sue.

CoconutKate said...
One of the most dull characters in fiction is called "Tarzan of the trees." Tarzan was raised by a pocket and lives in a sleepy jungle in the heart of darkest Just around the riverbend. He spends most of his time eating Spongebob golf balls and swinging from tree to melted crayon. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, "AAArrrooooouuugah!" This is his war cry.

Tarzan always dresses in gnarly shorts made from the skin of a iFish, and his best friend is a funkalicious chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and used but not discarded straws. In the movies, Tarzan is played by Weird Al's hair stylist.

Klin said...
One of the most extreme characters in fiction is called "Tarzan of the super cool fellow bloggers." Tarzan was raised by a long, beautiful drive and lives in a hotter than Provo UT jungle in the heart of darkest Cheesecake Factory. He spends most of his time eating wedding gifts and swinging from tree to Mesa AZ. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, "Perrrrrp!" This is his war cry.

Tarzan always dresses in superbly delicious shorts made from the skin of a Days Inn hotel, and his best friend is a grateful for air conditioning chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and miles and miles of trees. In the movies, Tarzan is played by Hannah Montana.

Political Speech #1

Ladies and gentlemen, on this (adjective) occasion it is a privilege to address such a/an (adjective)-looking group of (plural noun). I can tell from your smiling (plural noun) that you will support my (adjective) program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a/an (noun) in every (noun) and two (plural noun) in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. (name of person in room). This man is nothing but a/an (adjective) (noun). He has a/an (adjective) character and is working (noun) in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the (plural noun) off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their (plural noun) in the public till. I promise you (adjective) government, (adjective) taxes, and (adjective) schools.

Heffalump said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this red occasion it is a privilege to address such a yellow-looking group of monkeys. I can tell from your smiling carrots that you will support my blue program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a toejam in every rubber baby buggy bumper and two waterfalls in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Harvey the Wonder Hamster. This man is nothing but a smelly twister. He has a chagrined character and is working Baby B in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the flashlights off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their Pygmies in the public till. I promise you plump government, whiny taxes, and complicated schools.

Coconut Kate said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this leafy occasion it is a privilege to address such a sparkling-looking group of coolers. I can tell from your smiling clocks that you will support my round program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a squirrel in every paper and two leftovers in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Miss Fabulous. This woman is nothing but a translucent giraffe. She has a winding character and is working tunnel in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the slinkys off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their men in the public till. I promise you flowery government, green taxes, and oversized schools.

Suzanne said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this scorching occasion it is a privilege to address such a hot-looking group of pencils. I can tell from your smiling pens that you will support my sizzling program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be an apple in every pencil box and two books in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Santa Claus. This man is nothing but a lukewarm eraser. He has a tepid character and is working desk in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the bags off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their teachers in the public till. I promise you chilly government, cold taxes, and freezing schools.

Klin said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this sweaty occasion it is a privilege to address such a piled high-looking group of slimy toads. I can tell from your smiling cracked feet that you will support my fancy dancy program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a dog in every baby and two sweltery days in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Tree Monkey. This man is nothing but a muddy purse. He has a floral character and is working internet in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the smelly lumber piles off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their folded blankets in the public till. I promise you fast government, slimy taxes, and caked schools.

Dalene said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this flamboyant occasion it is a privilege to address such a discomboobulated-looking group of trophy wives. I can tell from your smiling elastic waistbands that you will support my pernicious program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a flat iron in every encyclopedia and two remote control disco lights in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Wiley Coyote. This man is nothing but a fluffy speaker phone. He has a squishy character and is working widget in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the sponge baths off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their doorknob hangers in the public till. I promise you prepubescent government, flat taxes, and floopy schools.

Natalie said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this brawling like hooligans occasion it is a privilege to address such an LDS tattoo-obsessed-looking group of naughty cockatoos. I can tell from your smiling completely inept football players that you will support my strung-out-on-stale-Twinkies program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a guy who yells "Yowza!" in every not-quite-big-enough girdle and two oatmeal scotchies in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. "Needs New Nylons" Newton. This man is nothing but a skin tag-sporting paranoid squirrel. He has a Pina Colada deodorant-enjoying character and is working Kip Dynamite impersonator in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the tubes of crinkly wrapping paper off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their town drunks in the public till. I promise you doesn't-wear-suits-to-the-office government, impressed-by-nudists taxes, and spiked punch-eschewing schools.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this reluctantly related occasion it is a privilege to address such a perpetually confused-looking group of America's Got Talent Hopefulls who got their dreams shattered on National Television. I can tell from your smiling delicious cupcakes with no calories that you will support my over-the-top program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a Harry Henderson's Hometown Haberdashery in every Giant Twinkie Man dressed as a Cowboy and two Sci-Fi convention goers who only speak to each other in Klingon in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Dora the Explorer. This man is nothing but a bewitched Homework Packet for a 2nd Grader filled with math worksheets a Kindergartener could do. He has a bothered character and is working blank-minded Mad Libs Monday participant who can't think of anything clever today in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the people who talk on their cell phones while driving off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their evil Legos that bite the bottoms of your feet as you cross the room in the middle of the night in the public till. I promise you bewildered government, fancy-schmancy taxes, and snobberish schools.

Wynne said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this frightening occasion it is a privilege to address such a spiny-looking group of fairies. I can tell from your smiling crocodiles that you will support my delicious program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be chow mein in every toilet and two hostels in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Jasper the Cat. This man is nothing but an as-seen-on-TV Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man. He has a glittery character and is working used kleenex in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the Smurfs off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their Arabic numerals in the public till. I promise you sludgilicious government, sulphurous taxes, and eardrum-shattering schools.

Rachael said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this wet occasion it is a privilege to address such a sticky-looking group of sticks. I can tell from your smiling earwigs that you will support my pungent program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be an "I dream of Genie" autographed poster in every Tom Hanks sweater and two over obsessive Oprah lovers in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Unibrow Sal. This man is nothing but a grotesque "Missed a spot" Dot. He has a mini character and is working camera lens in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the Book club fanatics off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their aimless internet surfers in the public till. I promise you flatulent government, scalloped taxes, and round, fudge-filled schools.

Dramatic Scene Entitled "The Happy Moment"

In honor of Thorny Tree Lady's great news

WOMAN: Darling, I have something (adjective) to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the (noun) again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little (noun).
MAN: (Loud exclamation)! Sweetheart, that's (adjective) news. Here, sit down on this (noun). You must take the weight off your (plural noun).
WOMAN: He said I was in (adjective) health. He measured my (noun) and took a sample of my (a liquid).
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a/an (noun).
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a/an (noun). Then we can name it after your (noun).
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in (a number) months I'll be a/an (noun).

Thorny Tree Lady said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something delicious to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the standing fan again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little rainy day.
MAN: Sha-ZAAAAMMMM! Sweetheart, that's serpentine news. Here, sit down on this questioning 4-year-old. You must take the weight off your washed-up rock stars trying to revive their careers by participating on reality programs on obscure cable channels.
WOMAN: He said I was in articulate health. He measured my aggavating hangnail and took a sample of my baby formula.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a houseguest who's overstayed her welcome.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a 15 month old baby who's amazed at her own reflection in the mirror. Then we can name it after your mini-Cooper that drives through the neighborhood 10 miles over the speed limit.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 8,675,309 months I'll be an unsupportive bra with no elastic.

Klin said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something ratted-hair to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the melt-in-your-mouth-meatloaf again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little Ginormous-hundred-acre wood.
MAN: SI-LENCE! Sweetheart, that's ginormous news. Here, sit down on this ratted-hair-that-looks-like-a-football-helmet. You must take the weight off your super-smelly-cleats.
WOMAN: He said I was in creamy health. He measured my pouring rain and took a sample of my melted ice cream.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a very loud stereo.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a vacuum. Then we can name it after your muddy puddle.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 1279 months I'll be a screaming kid in the car wash.

Suzanne said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something red to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the head again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little shoulder.
MAN: Holy Heck! Sweetheart, that's yellow news. Here, sit down on this knee. You must take the weight off your fancy cheeses.
WOMAN: He said I was in blue health. He measured my toes and took a sample of my Koolaid.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or an eye.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be an ear. Then we can name it after your mouth.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 34 months I'll be a nose.

Tori:) said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something spiky to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the arm hair again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little toaster.
MAN: CRAP!!!! Sweetheart, that's spunky news. Here, sit down on this magnet. You must take the weight off your dandruff flakes.
WOMAN: He said I was in spazzy health. He measured my $2 bill and took a sample of my Diet Dr. Pepper.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or an apron.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a swing set. Then we can name it after your contact lens.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 9 months I'll be a snake skin.

Natalie said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something completely irritating to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the earlobe hair again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little freak of nature.
MAN: Why can't you hold still a minute! Sweetheart, that's black cherry-scented news. Here, sit down on this fan blade. You must take the weight off your scalp dents.
WOMAN: He said I was in crying because I can't sleep on the floor health. He measured my Hannah Montana protester and took a sample of my drool.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or chocolate milk residue.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a buttock dimple. Then we can name it after your cow about to give birth.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 129847 months I'll be a snot bubble.

Wynne said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something clumpy to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the armadillo again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little garbage truck.
MAN: By the power of Grayskull! Sweetheart, that's marvelous news. Here, sit down on this toe jam. You must take the weight off your worms.
WOMAN: He said I was in fish-like health. He measured my fire station and took a sample of my pickle juice.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a split end.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be Gay Pride. Then we can name it after your Zion.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 1/4 months I'll be a Macarena.

Dalene said...
WOMAN: Darling, I have something greasy to tell you.
MAN: Did you wreck the monkey wrench again?
WOMAN: No. I went to the doctor's. He says I am going to have a little carbuncle.
MAN: Oy vey! Sweetheart, that's cheesy news. Here, sit down on this dust bunny. You must take the weight off your pick-up sticks.
WOMAN: He said I was in sketchy health. He measured my snood and took a sample of my molten lava.
MAN: Gee, I wonder if it'll be a boy or a hanging chad.
WOMAN: Personally, I hope it'll be a Sprite bottle. Then we can name it after your rain gutter.
MAN: I can hardly believe it. Just think, in 3.652 months I'll be a sea urchin.

A Letter of Complaint #1

Last time we went to the beach, we stayed at a nice little inn. No complaints out of us - but if we'd had any, this letter would have come in handy.

Dear Sir or (noun),

I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).

Natalie said...
Dear Sir or Guy on the train who wants you to take a nude picture of him in the dressing room,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your only eats the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown scab was an outrageous yap-yap. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of hairy armpits. All I found in my room was a trash angry goose butt filled with old sewer rats in disguise. You also claimed to offer free overnight straining in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new blinding grocery store laser across the street in a vacant electrolysis enjoyer. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were waftingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my Bob the Builder obsesser, but he broke two of my uvulas while giving me a Swedish tipped-over cow. Your room service was a totally dipheaded joke! They not only served burnt lukewarm vomit but spilled a hot cup of nipple ring accessories all over my newly pressed adorable Sunbeam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a child that says she loves yogurt but eats one bite and says she hates it! I'm planning to sue you for a million speech impediments.

Klin said...
Dear Sir or Banana,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your ginormously large hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown printer was an outrageous bird. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of juicy cantaloupes. All I found in my room was a trash book shelf filled with old empty boxes. You also claimed to offer free overnight screaming in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Breaking Dawn across the street in a vacant sock. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were excruciatingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my new furniture, but he broke two of my eyelids while giving me a Swedish basement. Your room service was a soft-a-licious joke! They not only served burnt soaking tub but spilled a hot cup of aching feet all over my newly pressed school. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a picture window! I'm planning to sue you for a million connected printers.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Sir or Half-eaten Peach,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your Cheetah-licious hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown measuring tape was an outrageous lotion dispenser. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of Olympic Beach Volleyball Cheerleaders. All I found in my room was a trash Martina McBride filled with old Applebee's Resturant patrons. You also claimed to offer free overnight gagging in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Cheetah Girl across the street in a vacant Olympic Silver Medal. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were begrudgingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my empty bag of Fritos, but he broke two of my earlobes while giving me a Swedish knapsack. Your room service was a nauseating joke! They not only served burnt at-home pregnancy test but spilled a hot cup of abandoned flip-flop all over my newly pressed laundry basket. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a dull razor! I'm planning to sue you for a million nervous children on their first day back to school.

Wynne said...
Dear Sir or Feces,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your crushing hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sedimentary rock was an outrageous penguin. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of punk rockers. All I found in my room was a trash cat sick filled with old missionaries. You also claimed to offer free overnight drowning in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new bubble gum across the street in a vacant diaper rash. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were queasily inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my clam chowder, but he broke two of my orifices while giving me a Swedish Parthenon. Your room service was a slippery joke! They not only served burnt smoke but spilled a hot cup of twinkie all over my newly pressed rutabaga. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a Suburban! I'm planning to sue you for a million dust motes.

Dalene said...
Dear Sir or Tricep,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your deliriously incompetent hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown bicep was an outrageous quadricep. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of nematodes. All I found in my room was a trash cubicle filled with old epithets. You also claimed to offer free overnight masticating in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new clavicle across the street in a vacant cuticle. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were expeditiously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my abyss, but he broke two of my anterior cruciate ligaments while giving me a Swedish catalyst. Your room service was an ooey-gooey joke! They not only served burnt catharsis but spilled a hot cup of doorknob all over my newly pressed door jam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing toe jam! I'm planning to sue you for a million apothecary jars.

Pickup Lines

A nod to our trip to the beach :)

Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away (adverb)!

~ Can I buy you a/an (noun) or do you just want the money?
~ Your (part of the body) must be real tired, because you've been (verb ending in ING) through my (noun) all night long.
~ Your father must have been a/an (occupation), because he stole the (noun) from the (plural noun) and put them in your (part of the body, plural).
~ Is it (adjective) in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a/an (noun)? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those (plural noun) and me with no (plural noun)!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my (part of the body) when I (verb, past tense) for you.
~ I may not be the most (adjective) guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Tori said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away awesomely!

~ Can I buy you a Mo's clam chowder or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been wishing through my seaweed all night long.
~ Your father must have been a perverted beach patroler in charge of inviting innocent women to Happy Hour, because he stole the safety goggles from the really big rocks in the middle of the ocean and put them in your armpits.
~ Is it salty in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a picnic? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those Aubrey's waffles and me with no flowers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my shoulder blade when I vacationed for you.
~ I may not be the most sandy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Wynne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away snakily!

~ Can I buy you cottage cheese or do you just want the money?
~ Your epiglottis must be real tired, because you've been roasting through my airport all night long.
~ Your father must have been a bag boy, because he stole the fungus from the fungi and put them in your cheeks.
~ Is it sweet in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have tooth enamel? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those mice and me with no fragrances!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my nostril when I was bitten for you.
~ I may not be the most sparkly guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away expeditiously!

~ Can I buy you a mismarked measuring tape or do you just want the money?
~ Your uvula must be real tired, because you've been placating through my Michael Phelps all night long.
~ Your father must have been a Head Hunter, because he stole the angry letter from the IRS from the quarters and put them in your pancreas.
~ Is it acrimonious in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a convertible top full of holes? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those gold medals and me with no tubes of Aspercreme!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my pinky toe when I ate for you.
~ I may not be the most purple guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Heffalump said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away righteously!

~ Can I buy you a gorilla or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been swinging through my broccoli all night long.
~ Your father must have been a golf caddy, because he stole the sock monkey from the seagulls and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it tubular in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a pandemic flu? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those sisters and me with no tsunamis!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my adenoid when I dreamed for you.
~ I may not be the most masochistic guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Suzanne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!

~ Can I buy you an Arch Cape or do you just want the money?
~ Your feet must be real tired, because you've been grinning through my Cannon Beach all night long.
~ Your father must have been a shopper, because he stole the Seaside from the waves and put them in your flowers.
~ Is it cold in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a Multnomah Falls? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those giggles and me with no bloggers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my arm when I loved for you.
~ I may not be the most giddy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Klin said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!

~ Can I buy you a breath taking waterfall or do you just want the money?
~ Your armpit must be real tired, because you've been laughing through my sleepless night all night long.
~ Your father must have been a party planner, because he stole the private beach from the Super Happy Girls and put them in your aching from laughter belly.
~ Is it "wouldn't have missed it for the world" fabulous in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have fantastic food? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those seriously jealous onlookers and me with no deluxe accommodations!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my manicured toenails when I enjoyed for you.
~ I may not be the most genuine guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

Dalene said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away adoringly!

~ Can I buy you a spectrometer or do you just want the money?
~ Your clavicle must be real tired, because you've been sparking through my chickpea all night long.
~ Your father must have been a crocodile wrangler, because he stole the asteroid belt from the specimens and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it extremely sticky in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have an intake manifold? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those cubicles and me with no globules!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my big toe when I redecorated for you.
~ I may not be the most exoskeletal guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!

(For more really horrible pick-up lines - some are listed here - try here.)

Vacation Dialogue

GIRL: Hello. My name is (girl's name).
BOY: Hi. My name is (male celebrity). I came here with my mother and father and my little (noun).
GIRL: I am here with my best girl (noun). We are staying at the (name of boy) Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great (noun) there. How is the food?
GIRL: (Adjective). But the room only costs (number) dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a/an (noun) for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go (verb ending in ING).
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised (female celebrity) I'd go (verb ending in ING) with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a/an (adjective) Dance at the Hotel (verb ending in ING) Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a/an (adjective) dress and your (kind of shoe, plural). I am going to wear my (plural noun).

Suzanne said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Alice.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward. I came here with my mother and father and my little vampire.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl blood. We are staying at the Jasper Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great red Ford truck there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hot. But the room only costs 1 googolplex dollars a day.
BOY: I rented an immortal for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Bella I'd go kissing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Pale Dance at the Hotel Fighting Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sparkly dress and your boots. I am going to wear my sports cars.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Grizelda Thurburger.
BOY: Hi. My name is Kermit the Frog. I came here with my mother and father and my little heaping pile of nachos.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl pathetic attention-hogging Disney Channel star. We are staying at the Tea-Toddling Tommy Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great only person in America who hasn't seen "The Dark Knight" yet there. How is the food?
GIRL: Vast. But the room only costs 144,000 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a charbroiled hot dog for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go anticipating.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Miss Piggy I'd go quantifying with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Mammoth Dance at the Hotel Rehabilitating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a thundering dress and your mud-covered galoshes. I am going to wear my teething toddlers.

Melonsquirtz said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Knobby Knockers Nancy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Phil Donahue. I came here with my mother and father and my little gerbil drool remover.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl putt putt foofer. We are staying at the never-not-nude Ned Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great trike-riding old biddy there. How is the food?
GIRL: Obsessed with bellybutton preening. But the room only costs 663 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drawers-staining content for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go rear-on-the-carpet dragging.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Kathy Griffin I'd go in-front-of-everyone pants ripping with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Wishes for a Smaller Butt Dance at the Hotel "Old Yeller" Mocking Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a maggot farming dress and your sockie-slippers. I am going to wear my monkey trots.

Klin said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Kristy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward Cullen. I came here with my mother and father and my little mall.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl Macy's grocery store. We are staying at the James Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great not quite bright enough lamp there. How is the food?
GIRL: Slimy. But the room only costs 1 dollar a day.
BOY: I rented a blinding sunlight for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Angelina Jolie I'd go skating with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Scaly Dance at the Hotel Boarding Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a slobbery dress and your stiletto pumps. I am going to wear my monkeys.

Jean Knee said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Jean Knee.
BOY: Hi. My name is Rene Russo. I came here with my mother and father and my little crusty boil.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl panty twisting lynch pin. We are staying at the Drew Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great carotid artery there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hawt. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drippy, leaking bladder for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go laughing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Michelle Kwan I'd go scootching with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Death Defying Dance at the Hotel Enbalming Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sugar teak sucking dress and your Mary Janes. I am going to wear my Mad Libs.

Rachael said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Betty Spaghetti.
BOY: Hi. My name is Matt Damon. I came here with my mother and father and my little cactus.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl nasty old gym shoe. We are staying at the Eddie Spaghetti Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great Cincinnati, Ohio there. How is the food?
GIRL: Gangly. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a cheap wedding ring for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go oozing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Anne Hathaway I'd go snoozing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Jail Striped Dance at the Hotel Slooping Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a gritty dress and your stiletto heels. I am going to wear my ripe bananas.

Dalene said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Penelope.
BOY: Hi. My name is Brad Pitt. I came here with my mother and father and my little clam digger.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl drumstick. We are staying at the Peter Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great rust-bucket there. How is the food?
GIRL: Pent-up. But the room only costs 152 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a limp bandana for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go sleeping.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Madonna I'd go waving with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Perpendicular Dance at the Hotel Matriculating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear an unparalled dress and your Birkenstocks. I am going to wear my bastions of society.

Pool Rools

ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this (noun) or soak in our (adjective) spa, you must follow these (adjective) rules.

1. No nude (verb ending in ING) allowed. Men must wear (adjective) shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing (plural nouns) or (adjective) bikinis.

2. No (plural noun) under the age of (number) are allowed in the (noun) unless accompanied by a (noun).

3. (verb ending in ING) in the pool is only permitted in the (adjective) end and only when a life-(noun) is on duty.

4. People with (adjective) hair must wear bathing (plural noun).

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, (adverb) cover your arms, legs, and (part of the body) with a (adjective) lotion. You don't want to get a (noun) burn!

Have a (adjective) day!

Physcokity said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this blue cheese dressing or soak in our colder-than-your-mom-on-a-bad-day spa, you must follow these sassy rules.

1. No nude dazzling allowed. Men must wear more-flies-than-a-pile-of-horse-manure shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing sticks of butter or fifty-something bikinis.

2. No rubber duckies under the age of 50...million are allowed in the sexy lingerie unless accompanied by a lighthouse.

3. Zinging in the pool is only permitted in the Fergalicious end and only when a life-lei is on duty.

4. People with heavy hair must wear bathing beefcakes from Hades.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, exactly cover your arms, legs, and hairy armpit with a snot-nosed lotion. You don't want to get a snowball burn!

Have a hairier than a dang saskwatch day!

Tori said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this cat whisker or soak in our half-naked spa, you must follow these cottage cheesy rules.

1. No nude buzzing allowed. Men must wear pus-filled shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing houses or crispy bikinis.

2. No camels under the age of 121,464 are allowed in the race car unless accompanied by a cereal bowl.

3. Cleaning in the pool is only permitted in the checkered end and only when a life-eyebrow comb is on duty.

4. People with see-thru hair must wear bathing teeth.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, half-heartedly cover your arms, legs, and nostril with a rancid lotion. You don't want to get a bra strap burn!

Have a sticky day!

Elasticwaistband Lady said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this Anti-Monkey Butt Powder or soak in our obscenely obscene spa, you must follow these saggy rules.

1. No nude prancing allowed. Men must wear soggy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing olive pits named Brad Pitt or androgynous bikinis.

2. No dust bunny mafias under the age of 888 are allowed in the Beetlejuice sandwich unless accompanied by crustified undies.

3. Romancing in the pool is only permitted in the stupider-than-a-flock-of-low-IQ-sheep end and only when a life-Big Bill's blue ball is on duty.

4. People with perverted hair must wear dandruff-filled snowglobes.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, know-it-all-ingly cover your arms, legs, and fibber fibbin fibula with a sharty lotion. You don't want to get a giant potato eye with a monacle-burn!

Have a milquetoast day!

Suzanne said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this North or soak in our red spa, you must follow these orange rules.

1. No nude belching allowed. Men must wear yellow shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing cheeses or green bikinis.

2. No armpits under the age of 62 are allowed in the East unless accompanied by a South.

3. Farting in the pool is only permitted in the blue end and only when a life-West is on duty.

4. People with purple hair must wear bathing watermelons.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, willingly cover your arms, legs, and belly button with a brown lotion. You don't want to get an underground-burn!

Have a black day!

Jean Knee said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this mayonnaise jar or soak in our big spa, you must follow these little rules.

1. No nude pus-gushing allowed. Men must wear squishy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing owls or receding bikinis.

2. No basement windows under the age of 4 are allowed in the birdhouse unless accompanied by a melted candle stuck in ear.

3. Hip hopping in the pool is only permitted in the stiff, little end and only when a life-Hello Kitty is on duty.

4. People with bad-ashed hair must wear bathing lilting sailors.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, wildly cover your arms, legs, and uvula with a slimy lotion. You don't want to get an corn cob-burn!

Have a soft day!

Thorny Tree Lady said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this fizzled-out computer speaker or soak in our apathetic spa, you must follow these underestimated rules.

1. No nude sacrificing allowed. Men must wear well-done shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing feather pillows or whiny bikinis.

2. No telemarketers under the age of 815 are allowed in the stale diet coke unless accompanied by a peanut butter granola bar.

3. Placating in the pool is only permitted in the tired end and only when a life-Dora swimming suit is on duty.

4. People with hungry hair must wear bathing Trekkies.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, noisily cover your arms, legs, and uvula with an accentuated lotion. You don't want to get an dull sewing scissors-burn!

Have a morose day!

Rachael said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this Carl's Jr. or soak in our slippery spa, you must follow these puke green rules.

1. No nude sideways-walking allowed. Men must wear sloppy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing rat tails or gangrene-infected bikinis.

2. No crying whining kids under the age of 2 are allowed in the blue-eyed baby unless accompanied by a kitchen sink.

3. Climbing in the pool is only permitted in the rat infested end and only when a life-ingrown hair is on duty.

4. People with crusty hair must wear bathing screen-pinched fingers.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, quickly cover your arms, legs, and excessively tattooed arm with a 6" tall lotion. You don't want to get a funky-smelling toenail burn!

Have a hairy day!

Klin said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this long freakin' drive or soak in our "I can't move another muscle" tired spa, you must follow these chipped and broken rules.

1. No nude finally we begin moving allowed. Men must wear stacked four high and unstable shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing tired and worn out kids or slower than molasses wire transfers bikinis.

2. No sad about no internets parents under the age of 1279 are allowed in the freshly tarred road unless accompanied by a super toasty toad.

3. Soon to be sleeping in the pool is only permitted in the spooky and ooky end and only when a life-barren rooms of old house is on duty.

4. People with mysteriously kosher hair must wear bathing freaked out about moving pets.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, woosily cover your arms, legs, and middle knuckle on the left ring finger with a soaked with sweat lotion. You don't want to get a mega large moving truck-burn!

Have a brand-spankin' new day!

Natalie said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!

If you want to swim in this bra-snapping teenager or soak in our grungy scrunchie-sporting spa, you must follow these scary and partially digested rules.

1. No nude waddling allowed. Men must wear likes-to-point-out-armpit-hair shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing snot bubbles or "not a cold sore"-having bikinis.

2. No raunchified toothbrushes under the age of 238471 are allowed in the sucky deaf people movie unless accompanied by a glass jar of wet cigarette butts.

3. Pantsing in the pool is only permitted in the Iocane powder-poisoned end and only when a life-bulging Dizzy Gillespie cheek is on duty.

4. People with camo undies-wearing hair must wear bathing blue-flamers.

WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, emergency-potty-goingly cover your arms, legs, and epididymus with a brown and crunchy lotion. You don't want to get a kitten pot pie-burn!

Have a drop-kicked across the room day!

Bringing Home the Good... Or Is It Bad? ... News

Dear Parent,

Here is (person in room)'s report card for the (adjective) eighth grade. He/she has received a/an (letter) in English, a/an (letter) in Mathematics, and an A in Social (plural noun). Unfortunately, we could not give a passing (noun) in (noun) Education because his/her broken (body part) prevented the taking of the final (noun). This (adjective) class can be made up in our summer (noun). The school believes a "parent-(noun)" conference is necessary to discuss (same person in room)'s (adjective) behavior. He/She continues to draw (adjective) pictures on the bathroom (noun) and talks (adverb) behind the teacher's (body part). Please call the principal's (noun) for a/an (adjective) appointment immediately.

Sincerely,
Mr./Ms. (another person in room)
Head (occupation)

Dalene said...
Dear Parent,

Here is Alan's report card for the perturbed eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Neuroses. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing hotbed in Flatbed Education because his broken clavicle prevented the taking of the final flatbread. This incubated class can be made up in our summer compost. The school believes a "parent-joint compound" conference is necessary to discuss Alan's overdone behavior. He continues to draw annoyingly displayed pictures on the bathroom Dutch oven and talks adoringly behind the teacher's pinkie toe. Please call the principal's dust bunny for a preposterous appointment immediately.

Sincerely,
Ms. Annie
Head Parade Pooper-Scooper

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Parent,

Here is Kate Austin's report card for the salty eighth grade. She has received an S in English, an M in Mathematics, and an A in Social Ineffective Optical Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing phalange in Python Education because her broken uvula prevented the taking of the final jasmine flower. This black class can be made up in our summer scratchy bra that doesn't fit right. The school believes a "parent-photo printer" conference is necessary to discuss Kate's inebriated behavior. She continues to draw labeled pictures on the bathroom Austin Powers impersonator and talks amazingly behind the teacher's hangnail. Please call the principal's David Hasselhoff for an underwhelmed appointment immediately.

Sincerely,
Mr. Jack Shepheard
Head Porta-Potty Cleaner

Klin said...
Dear Parent,

Here is Chappell's report card for the smelly moldy laundry eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, a W in Mathematics, and an A in Social Driving Me Crazy Whining Girls. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing rolled up rug in Super Happy Husband Education because his broken smooth soft elbow prevented the taking of the final out of tune guitar. This comfy warm flannel class can be made up in our summer stuffed full storage shed. The school believes a "parent-lost and broken camera" conference is necessary to discuss Chappell's sinkful of dirty behavior. He continues to draw jam-packed full pictures on the bathroom his royal highness Sir Pounce-a-Lot and talks joyfully behind the teacher's big toe toenail. Please call the principal's very empty panty for a smells like a wet dog appointment immediately.

Sincerely,
Ms. Nicole
Head Gynecologist

Suzanne said...
Dear Parent,

Here is Bonnie's report card for the hot eighth grade. She has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Monkeys. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing Grumpy in Sleepy Education because her broken armpit prevented the taking of the final Bashful. This sticky class can be made up in our summer Doc. The school believes a "parent-Sneezy" conference is necessary to discuss Bonnie's smelly behavior. She continues to draw sweaty pictures on the bathroom Happy and talks gingerly behind the teacher's toenail. Please call the principal's Dopey for a humid appointment immediately.

Sincerely,
Mr. Clyde
Head Garbage Man

Wynne said...
Dear Parent,

Here is Siegfried's report card for the chunky eighth grade. He has received an M in English, an X in Mathematics, and an A in Social Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing football in Living Room Education because his broken belly button prevented the taking of the final mother. This dilapidated class can be made up in our summer gunnysack. The school believes a "parent-pit viper" conference is necessary to discuss Siegfried's glossy behavior. He continues to draw tangy pictures on the bathroom rock and talks gloopily behind the teacher's gall bladder. Please call the principal's police officer for a gelatinous appointment immediately.

Sincerely,
Mr. Roy
Head Bus Driver

I liked that they're teaching "Social Neuroses" in the eighth grade and the "parent-pit viper" conference.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Wanna play?

Letter Received By the Father of a Marriageable Daughter

Dear (name of man in room),

I am in love with your (adjective) daughter (first name of woman in room) and I would like to ask for her (noun) in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect (noun). She is the only (noun) I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my (plural noun). At present I am employed as an assistant (noun) and I make a (adjective) salary of (number) dollars a week. I have a split-level (noun) picked out in (geographical location) that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her (adjective) and to be a (adjective) (noun).

Signed: (Name of man in room)

Mad Lib Monger said…
Dear Henry Hemorrhoid,

I am in love with your flatulent and embarrassed daughter Spoon-spanked Spigella and I would like to ask for her jingling vacuum bag in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect beer bottle sniffer. She is the only duck on a string I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my ten-pounders. At present I am employed as an assistant wide load and I make an eye crunch-sporting salary of 238492 dollars a week. I have a split-level crocheted bikini picked out in Rentown, USA that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her Elvis-impersonating and to be an alive for the next ten minutes gummy bear.

Signed: Fishpaste Frank

Suzanne said…
Dear John McCain,

I am in love with your wiley daughter Hilary and I would like to ask for her Delaware in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect Montana. She is the only Florida I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my hanging chads. At present I am employed as an assistant Washington and I make a charismatic salary of 62 dollars a week. I have a split-level Texas picked out in Washington, DC that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her vocal and to be a pushy Utah.

Signed: Barack Obama

Rachael said…
Dear John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith,

I am in love with your raunchy daughter Pam and I would like to ask for her 50-year-old tin can in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect “liquid” from the bottom of the trashcan. She is the only toenail clipping I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my leftover sloppy joes. At present I am employed as an assistant banana that has been mashed into the carpet and I make an encrusted salary of 7 meeellion dollars a week. I have a split-level booger picked out in The Small of Burt Reynold’s Back that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her green with purple polka dots and to be a checkered ingrown hair.

Signed: Bert

Thorny Tree Lady said…
Dear Hoarace McGillicutty,

I am in love with your quaint daughter Lavicka and I would like to ask for her recipe box in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect glitter. She is the only orange popsicle I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my jaters. At present I am employed as an assistant antique quilt and I make a magenta salary of 1,234 dollars a week. I have a split-level NoDoz tablet picked out in The Dark Side of the Moon that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her articulate and to be an allergy-ridden barfed-on bedsheet.

Signed: Ringo Starr

Coconut Kate said…
Dear Dana Carvey,

I am in love with your sticky daughter Gertrude and I would like to ask for her funnel in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect lawn. She is the only hat I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my envelopes. At present I am employed as an assistant pocket and I make a blue salary of 87 dollars a week. I have a split-level muskrat picked out on top of that hill yonder that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her slippery and to be a murky coconut bra.

Signed: Keanu Reeves

Compulsive Writer said…
Dear Jack Black,

I am in love with your plucky daughter Penelope and I would like to ask for her grubworm in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect twister. She is the only toe ring I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my nematodes. At present I am employed as an assistant flux capacitor and I make a pernicious salary of 2.567 dollars a week. I have a split-level wing-back chair picked out under a bed somewhere in midtown Manhattan that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her pedantic and to be an predatory brick wall.

Signed: Stephie Colbert

Klin said…
Dear Nicholas Cage,

I am in love with your sexy daughter Renae and I would like to ask for her lazy old horse in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect hyperactive and very talkative girl. She is the only whispering wind I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my musical wind chimes. At present I am employed as an assistant serene afternoon and I make an adorable salary of 187 dollars a week. I have a split-level sparkling firecracker picked out in Jolley’s Ranch that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her steamy and to be a luscious thunderous storm.

Signed: Clark Gable

O. Honey said…
Dear Jason Bateman,

I am in love with your unappetizing daughter Complete Dipwad and I would like to ask for her fishlips in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect newly hatched pterodactyl. She is the only swarm of locusts I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my Pretty Patties. At present I am employed as an assistant Dyno-bite and I make a laughs-like-a-dork salary of 238,473,592,341 dollars a week. I have a split-level insane Pee-Wee Herman fan picked out in a pineapple under the sea that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her sequinned and to be a crud-covered constant fanner.

Signed: Luka on ER