Letters Parents Hope Get Lost in the Mail

Dear Folks,

I'm in L.A. It is (adverb) awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest (noun). He plays (noun) with a (adjective) band. He has (color) hair and wears a (noun) in his (part of body). I can't wait for you to meet (name of man), the (noun) of my dreams.

Your (adjective) daughter,
(Name of woman)

Dear Folks,

Please send money as (adverb) as possible. I found a really great surf (noun) for only 150 (Plural noun). I borrowed the money from my (adjective) girlfriend, who is a life (noun) at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-(part of body) waves. Although she is (number) years older than I am, I know she's the right (noun) for me.

Your (adjective) son,
(name of man) (known to my beach friends as The (animal))

Dear Folks,

For your information, I broke my (part of body) surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my (part of body). You'll (verb) it!

Signed, The (same animal)

Millie said...
Dear Folks,

I'm in L.A. It is oppressively awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest annoying soup slurp. He plays bored six-year-old with a hairy band. He has purple hair and wears a pair of Hanes briefs in his saliva gland. I can't wait for you to meet I. Lean Sideways, the Nervous Nellie of my dreams.

Your fat daughter,
Marcia

Dear Folks,

Please send money as while shrink-wrapped as possible. I found a really great surf craisin for only 150 slap-worthy whiners. I borrowed the money from my pasty girlfriend, who is a life-Charlie Brown hairdo at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-pancreas waves. Although she is 38 years older than I am, I know she's the right pig snout for me.

Your dimpled son,
Roger U. Roundly (known to my beach friends as The Jabiru)

Dear Folks,

For your information, I broke my eyelid surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my scalp. You'll pontificate it!

Signed, The Jabiru

Heffalump said...
Dear Folks,

I'm in L.A. It is obtusely awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest root canal. He plays popcorn hull with an afflicted with halitosis band. He has yellow hair and wears a drill in his wisdom tooth. I can't wait for you to meet Steve, the molar of my dreams.

Your sparkling daughter,
Hilda

Dear Folks,

Please send money as firmly as possible. I found a really great surf mouthwash for only 150 dollars. I borrowed the money from my foamy girlfriend, who is a life retainer at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-tongue waves. Although she is 807 years older than I am, I know she's the right floss for me.

Your tingly son,
Brian (known to my beach friends as The Saber Tooth Tiger)

Dear Folks,

For your information, I broke my jaw surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my gumline. You'll scrape it!

Signed, The Saber Tooth Tiger