Charity Drive Letter

Dear (name of person in room),
I’m sure you’ve heard of our organization, “The Society for the Prevention of (adjective) (plural noun).” We are currently having a drive to raise (number) dollars to build an up-to-date (noun) for underprivileged (plural noun). I know that as one of the leading (plural noun) of your community you will want to contribute to this (adjective) cause. Our president (celebrity) and our treasurer (celebrity) have been connected with many (adjective) charities. They urge you to reach down into your (noun) and give. Even if it’s only a/an (noun). The money will finance our (adjective) out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has (a liquid) in his (plural noun) can come and have our (adjective) doctors x-ray his (noun). Eventually we hope to stamp out (plural noun) altogether.
(Signed) (name of person in room)

Millie said...
Dear Gomez,
I’m sure you’ve heard of our organization, “The Society for the Prevention of Lactose-intolerant Turkey Breast Slices.” We are currently having a drive to raise 27 dollars to build an up-to-date Army private for underprivileged never-flattering sleeveless shirts. I know that as one of the leading drunken monkeys of your community you will want to contribute to this curtsying cause. Our president, the Quaker Oats guy, and our treasurer, Aunt Jemima, have been connected with many incandescent charities. They urge you to reach down into your chin hickey and give. Even if it’s only a toenail. The money will finance our see-through out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has peach nectar in his camel riders can come and have our trolloplike doctors x-ray his drawer pull. Eventually we hope to stamp out stinkbombs altogether.
(Signed) Furgler

Heffalump said...
Dear Beatrice,
I’m sure you’ve heard of our organization, “The Society for the Prevention of Stuffed Soldiers.” We are currently having a drive to raise 2 dollars to build an up-to-date Cupid for underprivileged maidens. I know that as one of the leading squires of your community you will want to contribute to this pernicious cause. Our president Kenneth Branaugh and our treasurer Emma Thompson have been connected with many suspicious charities. They urge you to reach down into your arrow and give. Even if it’s only a wedding. The money will finance our invisible out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has blood in his letters can come and have our obstinate doctors x-ray his prince. Eventually we hope to stamp out winebibbers altogether.
(Signed) Benedick

How To Enjoy Yourself on the Beach

When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of (a liquid), lots of suntan (something icky) and a couple of folding (pieces of furniture). Then you put on your (article of clothing) so you can get a beautiful (a color) to last you all summer. You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your (part of body). If you want exercise, you can find some (plural noun) to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America's favorite (adjective) game. You can also bring a/an (adjective) lunch, such as hard-boiled (plural noun), a few (an animal) sandwiches with mustard and some bottles of (a silly word) cola. If you remember all of the above and get a place near a/an (adjective) lifeguard, you can sunbathe (adverb) all day.

Millie said...
When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of plasma, lots of suntan snot and a couple of folding hammocks. Then you put on your mankini so you can get a beautiful fuschia to last you all summer. You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your ear canal. If you want exercise, you can find some ski bums to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America's favorite Scottie dog-obsessed game. You can also bring a run over by a bicycle lunch, such as hard-boiled cranky old men, a few llama sandwiches with mustard and some bottles of Gachuey-chuey cola. If you remember all of the above and get a place near an extremely hairy lifeguard, you can sunbathe lustily all day.

Heffalump said...
When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of melted slushy, lots of suntan crusty nose hair and a couple of folding foot stools. Then you put on your caftan so you can get a beautiful beige to last you all summer. You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your phalange. If you want exercise, you can find some Kitchenaid mixers to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America's favorite serendipitous game. You can also bring a striped lunch, such as hard-boiled bellboys, a few sloth sandwiches with mustard and some bottles of Dlangy cola. If you remember all of the above and get a place near a hive-inducing lifeguard, you can sunbathe obtusely all day.

Uncle Dudley's Farm

My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early (noun) catches the (noun)," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's (adjective) farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster (verb ending in S) or the (noun) comes up. And right after we eat a/an (adjective) breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the (plural noun), and groom the (plural noun). Only when we've finished our (plural noun), can we go out and play hide and (verb), go bare (part of body) riding on the horses, or even skinny-(verb ending in ING) in the old swimming (noun). Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is a/an (adjective) (noun), but to tell the (adjective) truth, I love spending time on his (noun).

Heffalump said...
My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early beach catches the swimming pool," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's sweltering farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster escapes or the lifeguard comes up. And right after we eat a sunburned breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the otter pops, and groom the squirt guns. Only when we've finished our shady places, can we go out and play hide and cool down, go bare inner elbow riding on the horses, or even skinny-smiling in the old swimming smoothie. Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is an air conditioned sprinkler, but to tell the sweaty truth, I love spending time on his slip and slide.

Millie said...
My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early Red Wings jersey catches the Ferrari," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's fakily snoring farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster resents or the pit bull comes up. And right after we eat a school-skipping breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the Ferris Bueller disciples, and groom the foul balls. Only when we've finished our licked palms, can we go out and play hide and make out with Druggie Guy, go bare-split lip riding on the horses, or even skinny-White Out-sniffing in the old swimming gummy bear. Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is a real warm and soft police station, but to tell the barfing up a lung truth, I love spending time on his pancreas.

Klin said...
My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early rocking recliner catches the clean car," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's lazy farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster socializes or the Sr. Seuss comes up. And right after we eat a decrepit breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the girl jeans, and groom the dirty dishes. Only when we've finished our sprinkler system valves, can we go out and play hide and complain, go bare big toe toenail riding on the horses, or even skinny-whining in the old swimming cliche. Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is an excuse-making obnoxious teen, but to tell the wholly annoying truth, I love spending time on his quiet house.

A Letter of Complaint

Dear Sir or (noun),

I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).

Heffalump said...
Dear Sir or Lion,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your chest-thumping hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown penguin was an outrageous lorakeet. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of chew toys. All I found in my room was a trash zookeeper filled with old pooper scoopers. You also claimed to offer free overnight feeding in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new elephant ear across the street in a vacant gift shop. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were facetiously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my lost child, but he broke two of my adenoids while giving me a Swedish golf cart. Your room service was a crowded joke! They not only served burnt bird of prey but spilled a hot cup of petting zoo all over my newly pressed polar bear. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a train! I'm planning to sue you for a million frazzled parents.


Klin said...
Dear Sir or Dishwasher,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your annoyed hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sneaky-teen-that-thinks-he's-outsmarting-everyone-else was an outrageous Emmett Cullen. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of packed suitcases. All I found in my room was a trash Iggy's Monterey Salad filled with old purchased movie tickets. You also claimed to offer free overnight blissfully enjoying in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Youth Conference across the street in a vacant solitary time. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were frivolously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my attentive child, but he broke two of my deltoids while giving me a Swedish annoying dog cry. Your room service was a lazy joke! They not only served burnt fake tan, but spilled a hot cup of too-ripe banana all over my newly pressed tattoo removal shop. I had to go to a business meeting wearing an end-of-diet bliss! I'm planning to sue you for a million weekend plans.

Millie said...
Dear Sir or Slippery Slope,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your broccoli-scented hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown baby puke was an outrageous pie plate. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of hatchet toes. All I found in my room was a trash ugly brown scrunchy filled with old transponders. You also claimed to offer free overnight crunching in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new toothpaste drip across the street in a vacant kitty trousers. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were mockingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my chickstache, but he broke two of my buttocks while giving me a Swedish obsessed Johnny Depp fan. Your room service was an overprotective joke! They not only served burnt chicken Kiev, but spilled a hot cup of inflate-a-date all over my newly pressed Hostess Twinkie. I had to go to a business meeting wearing an anxiety attack! I'm planning to sue you for a million goofballs.

Fourth of July

Every year on the (number)th of (month), we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our (adjective) (noun). Many (adjective) citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their (noun) from a window or by running it up a/an (adjective) pole. Most (plural noun) spend this holiday at home with family and (plural noun) or visit national (plural noun) or (adjective) beaches. Food as American as apple (noun), hamburgers, and corn on the (noun) are traditional holiday (noun). And in the evening, there are displays of (plural noun), such as Roman (plural noun), shooting (plural noun), and (adjective) rockets that (adverb) (verb) the sky. A word of caution: Do not use (plural noun) unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable (noun).

Heffalump said...
Every year on the 1776th of July, we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our explosive Roman candle. Many fiery citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their parade from a window or by running it up an independent pole. Most Pop-its spend this holiday at home with family and sparklers or visit national crackling balls or loud beaches. Food as American as apple clown, hamburgers, and corn on the M-80 are traditional holiday punk. And in the evening, there are displays of stink bombs, such as Roman fiery frogs, shooting ground blooms, and illegally bought across the state line rockets that blindingly engulf the sky. A word of caution: Do not use firemen unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable Fortress of Fire.

Klin said...
Every year on the 4 gazillionth of May, we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our ridiculously sorry major suckfest. Many horrendously sick citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their well-groomed traveler from a window or by running it up a former pole. Most piles of pistols spend this holiday at home with family and blowing leaves or visit national unlimited texts or threaded beaches. Food as American as apple spaghetti-stuffed, hamburgers, and corn on the washing machine are traditional holiday new Eclipse movie. And in the evening, there are displays of board games, such as Roman criminal minds, shooting dusters, and extraordinary rockets that stupendously bulge the sky. A word of caution: Do not use dancing sisters unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable old song.

Millie said...
Every year on the seventy-twelveth of Octember, we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our cookie-monsterish dipwad. Many beautiful but evil citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their underwear crease from a window or by running it up a crap-covered pole. Most sewer-swigging slimeballs spend this holiday at home with family and panty-raiders or visit national Little Rascals or spits-when-talking beaches. Food as American as apple sheep slurp, hamburgers, and corn on the ugly tie are traditional holiday home teacher. And in the evening, there are displays of inefficient prison guards, such as Roman old ladies unsafe behind the wheel, shooting leg hairs, and egg-flavored rockets that crankily watusi the sky. A word of caution: Do not use boom mikes unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable Wonder Woman costume.

Travel Suggestion

If you're looking for a place to spend a/an (adjective) honeymoon, think of (adjective) Mexico. There, under a brilliant, (adjective) sky, you and your (adjective) bride can spend hours inspecting the quaint (plural noun) and the ancient Aztec (plural noun). You will be fascinated by the (adjective) customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the local (noun) which is what the Mexicans call their "(noun)", and watch the famous (noun) dance called the "(noun)". Hotels there have all (adjective) conveniences, including (adjective) water, (adjective) air conditioning, and (adjective) service. The rates are also very (adjective). In a few days, you and your bride will be lolling on the (noun), just like the (adjective) natives.

Millie said...
If you're looking for a place to spend a nonplussed honeymoon, think of roadkill-roasting Mexico. There, under a brilliant, puce sky, you and your scurrilous bride can spend hours inspecting the quaint escaped salamanders and the ancient Aztec Twix wrappers. You will be fascinated by the "Zippadee-ay"-shouting customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the local possessed pacemaker which is what the Mexicans call their "ruler-wielding nun," and watch the famous foast pork dance called the "fruit-filled donut." Hotels there have all narwhalish conveniences, including armpit-hair-sporting water, frantically-looking-for-a-restroom air conditioning, and Church nursery-scented service. The rates are also very not so fresh. In a few days, you and your bride will be lolling on the surrey with the fringe on top, just like the slapped often natives.

Heffalump said...
If you're looking for a place to spend a black and white honeymoon, think of scream-inducing Mexico. There, under a brilliant, chocolate-spattered sky, you and your feeling-like-someone-is-watching bride can spend hours inspecting the quaint eye-pecking birds and the ancient Aztec Michael Jackson's backup dancers from the Thriller video. You will be fascinated by the gore-covered customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the local victim which is what the Mexicans call their "rusty surgical tool," and watch the famous cemetery dance called the "mental patient." Hotels there have all spine-tingling conveniences, including zombie-like water, smells-like-a-fresh-grave air conditioning, and rotting service. The rates are also very chainsaw-wielding. In a few days, you and your bride will be lolling on the secret room under the stairs, just like the stupid-enough-to-walk-into-the-dark-basement-alone natives.

Description of Wedding

The (adjective) wedding yesterday afternoon between (adjective) (name of woman) and her groom, (name of man), was carried off (adverb). The bride wore a long (adjective) (noun) with (adjective) edging and a/an (adjective) neckline. At the end of the (adjective) ceremony, there wasn't a dry (noun) in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is a/an (adjective) man, just the kind of (noun) we wanted for our (adjective) daughter." The (adjective) couple left midst a flurry of (adjective) congratulations, to spend a/an (adjective) honeymoon visiting (plural noun) in (geographical location). They are sure to live (adverb) for many years.

Millie said...
The elbow-licking wedding yesterday afternoon between unbounded Hedwig and her groom, Mortimer, was carried off obscenely. The bride wore a long white and nerdy flibbertigibbet with weight loss-obsessed edging and a footsie-playing neckline. At the end of the crusty-eyed ceremony, there wasn't a dry barf particle in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is a short fat and slutty man, just the kind of abused pencil we wanted for our melodramatic daughter." The holiday-Jello-loving couple left midst a flurry of impatient congratulations, to spend a scary beyond all reason honeymoon visiting magpies in Steroid City. They are sure to live toe-tappingly for many years.

Klin said...
The itchy wedding yesterday afternoon between long-winded Nedra Bean and her groom, Llewlyn Brown, was carried off threateningly. The bride wore a long multi-colored homemade macaroni & cheese with numerical edging and a lazy neckline. At the end of the rough ceremony, there wasn't a dry headache in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is an organized man, just the kind of bike helmet we wanted for our fluffy-ish daughter." The creepy couple left midst a flurry of salted & roasted congratulations, to spend a misshapen honeymoon visiting potato chip crumbs in Pascagula, Mississippi. They are sure to live pretzel-resemblingly for many years.

Heffalump said...
The teal and silver wedding yesterday afternoon between sleeveless Carrie and her groom, Chuck, was carried off popularly. The bride wore a long sequined punch bowl with formal edging and a modest neckline. At the end of the empire waisted ceremony, there wasn't a dry tiara in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is a color coordinated man, just the kind of tuxedo we wanted for our theme songed daughter." The night-of-the-living-dead couple left midst a flurry of decorated by cheerleaders congratulations, to spend a disco ball-inspired honeymoon visiting committee members in the Ballroom of a cruise ship, somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. They are sure to live tearfully for many years.