Newspaper Ads #1

FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This (adjective) car is in a/an (adjective) condition. It was formerly owned by a/an (adjective) school teacher who always drove it (adverb). There is a/an (adjective) (noun) in the back seat and a chrome (noun) on the hood. It has a/an (adjective) paint job, (adjective) tires, and the back opens out into a/an (adjective) (noun). Will consider taking slightly used (noun) in trade.

LOST: In the vicinity of (geographical location), a/an (adjective) French poodle with (adjective) hair and a/an (adjective) tail. It answers to the name of (name of person in room) and when last seen was carrying a/an (noun) in its mouth. A/An (adjective) reward is offered.

Millie said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This gum-cracking and reeks of perfume car is in a mossy condition. It was formerly owned by an eyeball-resembling school teacher who always drove it log-gnawingly. There is a cerulean hyper hypo in the back seat and a chrome buttercup on the hood. It has a forgotten in the backyard paint job, booger-flavored tires, and the back opens out into a twitterpated Windex sprayer. Will consider taking slightly used bustier in trade.

LOST: In the vicinity of Fishguts, Florida, a squidgy French poodle with Edward-obsessed hair and a hypochondriac tail. It answers to the name of Liplock Lucinda and when last seen was carrying the Soup Man in its mouth. A shoves-toes-in-mouth reward is offered.

Mr. J said... (welcome, by the way!)
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This salty car is in a sour condition. It was formerly owned by an immense school teacher who always drove it creepily. There are many anklebiters in the back seat and a chrome rugrat on the hood. It has a piquant paint job, microscopic tires, and the back opens out into a smooth munchkin. Will consider taking slightly used potato farmer in trade.

LOST: In the vicinity of Pigs' Knuckle, Arkansas, a furry French poodle with sweltering hair and a forlorn tail. It answers to the name of Annie Oakley and when last seen was carrying a griot in its mouth. A frigid reward is offered.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This uncanny car is in a chocolate covered condition. It was formerly owned by a fanciful school teacher who always drove it childishly. There is a dead ringer in dire need of aspirin in the back seat and a chrome chocolate chip cookie on the hood. It has an exhausted paint job, hideous tires, and the back opens out into an exuberant, narcissistic Oscar winner. Will consider taking slightly used tax-return check in trade.

LOST: In the vicinity of Studio 8H in Rockafeller Center, a cockamamie French poodle with funny as a kick in the crotch hair and an intrusive tail. It answers to the name of Millie, the Flip-Flopping Blogger, and when last seen was carrying a headache that's lasted three weeks in its mouth. A death defying reward is offered.

George Washington

George Washington, the Father of our (noun), was a very (adjective) man. When George was a/an (adjective) boy, he took his (noun) and chopped down his father's favorite cherry (noun). "(Exclamation)!" said his father. "Who has (verb, past tense) my (noun)?" Then he saw George holding a sharp (noun) in his hand. "Father," said George. I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little (noun)." His father smiled and patted little George on the (noun). "You are a very honest (noun)," he said, "and someday you may become the first (occupation) of the United States."

Suzanne said...
George Washington, the Father of our candy, was a very pink man. When George was a red boy, he took his heart and chopped down his father's favorite cherry chocolate. "Wahoo!" said his father. "Who ran my kiss?" Then he saw George holding a sharp hug in his hand. "Father," said George. I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little flower." His father smiled and patted little George on the candlelight. "You are very honest lingerie," he said, "and someday you may become the first Cupid of the United States."

Thorny Tree Lady said...
George Washington, the Father of our Valentine's Day card, was a very putrid man. When George was an underachieving boy, he took his Caps Lock key and chopped down his father's favorite cherry hot air balloon. "Holy Schnikeies!" said his father. "Who has flatulated my Snuggie?" Then he saw George holding a sharp ShamWOW towel in his hand. "Father," said George. I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little moldy laundry." His father smiled and patted little George on the David Cassidy poster. "You are a very honest nasty-Millie-hating-comment-leaving loser," he said, "and someday you may become the first grave digger of the United States."

Dalene said...
George Washington, the Father of our homework stalling fourth grader, was a very lazy-butt man. When George was a narcoleptic boy, he took his rusted pencil sharpener and chopped down his father's favorite cherry dunce cap. "Holy Hannah Hermaphrodite!" said his father. "Who has flunked my whiney-mouthed jr. high student?" Then he saw George holding a sharp slacker dude in his hand. "Father," said George. I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little parent-teacher conference." His father smiled and patted little George on the truant officer. "You are a very honest report card," he said, "and someday you may become the first tired third-grade teacher of the United States."

Millie said...
George Washington, the Father of our home neutering kit, was a very cranky man. When George was an immobile boy, he took his nevernude and chopped down his father's favorite cherry mirror-loving parakeet. "For crying out loud!" said his father. "Who has skulked my opthomalogist?" Then he saw George holding a sharp shrimp in his hand. "Father," said George. I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little scissors-happy hairdresser." His father smiled and patted little George on the dust mite biscuit. "You are a very honest shredder," he said, "and someday you may become the first elevator mechanic of the United States."

A Page from a Girl's Diary

This is a/an (adjective) entry in (name of girl in room)'s diary.

Dear Diary: Today I saw him again. When he looks at me with those (adjective) eyes, it makes my (noun) go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have (plural noun) in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the (noun) when I was standing next to him in the (noun). I just had to hear his (noun) again, so I called his (verb ending in ING) machine and left a/an (adjective) message. I hope he doesn't recognize my (noun). He is such a/an (adjective) (noun), dear Diary. His name is (name of boy in room), and I live in hope that someday he will realize how (adjective) I would be for him, and that I am the (noun) he has always been looking for.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
This is a entry in Miley Cyrus' diary.

Dear Diary: Today I saw him again. When he looks at me with those chocolicious eyes, it makes my webcam go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have American Idol Top 36 participants in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the bleu cheese wheel when I was standing next to him in the unbalanced checkbook. I just had to hear his rejected Facebook friend request again, so I called his contemplating machine and left a cheddarific message. I hope he doesn't recognize my Ritz cracker. He is such a better-than-sex broken nail, dear Diary. His name is Cris Angel, Mind Freak, and I live in hope that someday he will realize how smashing I would be for him, and that I am the run-down cell phone battery he has always been looking for.

Millie said...
This is a bitten in half by a shark entry in Syrupy Sybil's diary.

Dear Diary: Today I saw him again. When he looks at me with those printer toner-horfing eyes, it makes my Neighbor Kid go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have empty threats in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the AC/DC album when I was standing next to him in the Cornballer. I just had to hear his former lover of Ellen Degeneres again, so I called his tiptoeing machine and left a spasmodic message. I hope he doesn't recognize my clotheshorse 4-year-old. He is such a hamster-shaving angry bee, dear Diary. His name is Jason Bateman, and I live in hope that someday he will realize how magnanimous I would be for him, and that I am the squid he has always been looking for.

Dalene said...
This is a verbally adroit entry in Penelope's diary.

Dear Diary: Today I saw him again. When he looks at me with those decrepit eyes, it makes my ice cream scoop go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have jaded used vacuum salesmen in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the freshly washed socks when I was standing next to him in the geriatric ward. I just had to hear his lint trap again, so I called his procrastinating machine and left an astute message. I hope he doesn't recognize my mud pie. He is such a masochistic rain gutter, dear Diary. His name is Wiley Coyote, and I live in hope that someday he will realize how scantily clad I would be for him, and that I am the used book of mad libs he has always been looking for.

A (Secret) Letter From an Admirer

Dear Miss (name of woman in room),

You may not recall my (noun), but I met you at the (adjective) cocktail party given by our (adjective) friend, (name of person in room). We had a/an (adjective) talk about (adjective) (plural noun), and I was impressed by your (adjective) conversation and your grasp of the (adjective) situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your (adjective) eyes, your (adjective) little chin, and your (adjective) teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming (adjective), I was fascinated by your (adjective) walk and by your (adjective) figure.

I hope I made a/an (adjective) impression, and that we can get together for a nice (noun) next week.

(adverb) yours,
(Name of man in room)

Klin said...
Dear Miss Katie Couric,

You may not recall my desk, but I met you at the sloppy cocktail party given by our mad friend, His Royal Highness. We had a chunky talk about gorgeous persons, and I was impressed by your blue conversation and your grasp of the orange situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your cut-up eyes, your new little chin, and your musty teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming painted, I was fascinated by your freakin' walk and by your tired figure.

I hope I made a down impression, and that we can get together for a nice chair next week.

Stunningly yours,
Brad Pitt

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Miss Angelina Jolie,

You may not recall my Wii Fit Balance Board, but I met you at the innoucuous cocktail party given by our preppy friend, my third grade teacher, Mrs. McCallup. We had a celebratory talk about gelatinous unpopped popcorn kernels at the bottom of a microwave popcorn bag, and I was impressed by your mushy conversation and your grasp of the overactive situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your imaginary eyes, your hallucinatory little chin, and your hideous teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming all-American, I was fascinated by your Comcastic walk and by your infantile figure.

I hope I made a banjo-rific impression, and that we can get together for a nice broken breast pump next week.

Mind-numbingly yours,
George Lucas

Natalie said...
Dear Miss Martha Vandella,

You may not recall my cherry tomato, but I met you at the loco in the cabesa cocktail party given by our fishnet stockings-wearing friend, Heaven Lee Shades. We had a pantsed regularly talk about green and frondlike annoying low-battery cell phone noises, and I was impressed by your totally tripped out conversation and your grasp of the Dora-hating situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your bird-mocking eyes, your skeevy little chin, and your accidentally ate a napkin teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming smacked purple, I was fascinated by your booger-examining walk and by your retching figure.

I hope I made a yellow impression, and that we can get together for a nice disgruntled postal worker next week.

Pompously yours,
Ricky Retardo

Wynne said...
Dear Miss Betty Boop,

You may not recall my cheese whiz, but I met you at the purplish-black cocktail party given by our brackish friend, Jasper. We had a chunky talk about rigid lice, and I was impressed by your sparkly conversation and your grasp of the furry situation. Also, I was very much attracted by your hard eyes, your transparent little chin, and your rancid teeth. If you'll pardon me for seeming sour, I was fascinated by your discordant walk and by your explosive figure.

I hope I made a flatulent impression, and that we can get together for a nice canned corn next week.

Like-an-Egyptian yours,
Pecka the Imaginary Man

How Can I Tell If He Likes Me?

If he exhibits three or more of the following (plural noun), you may (adverb) assume you are the (a fruit) of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the (part of body), does he overt his (plural noun) and give you an uncomfortable (noun)?
2) If you compliment him, does his (noun) turn a bright (color)?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual (noun) to see if you were (verb ending in ING) steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his (part of body) around you? Did you find his (plural noun) wet and clammy and did he sweat and (verb) excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he (verb) you on the phone or write you a/an (noun) or better yet, send you a bouquet of (plural noun)?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last (noun) he has the (plural noun) for you.

Klin said...
If he exhibits three or more of the following taller than heaven buildings, you may vivaciously assume you are the kiwi of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the ear canal, does he overt his six finished bedrooms and give you an uncomfortable stinky dog?
2) If you compliment him, does his freshly clean litter box turn a bright chartreuse?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual child taking to Nintendo DS game to see if you were painting steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his optic nerve around you? Did you find his ridiculous amount of bins storing Christmas deco wet and clammy and did he sweat and sleep excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he act anxious on the phone or write you a missed nativity scene or better yet, send you a bouquet of covered in white paint girls?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last crazy movie he has the bins of cut up veggies for you.

Becky said...
If he exhibits three or more of the following barking spiders, you may cunningly assume you are the passion fruit of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the toenail, does he overt his empty floral kleenex boxes and give you an uncomfortable gold spray can?
2) If you compliment him, does his retro-striped curtain panel turn a bright magenta?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual roof shingle to see if you were swimming steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his nostril around you? Did you find his mismatched picture frames wet and clammy and did he sweat and sit excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he hum to you on the phone or write you a bathtub ring or better yet, send you a bouquet of chewed on pen caps?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last past-due electric bill he has the dusty curtains for you.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
If he exhibits three or more of the following greasy grimy gopher guts, you may stealthily assume you are the mango of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the uvula, does he overt his flying purple people eaters and give you an uncomfortable Lucky Charms marshmallow?
2) If you compliment him, does his hairbow as big as a kid's head turn a bright indigo?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual pair of trifocals to see if you were sulking steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his ovary around you? Did you find his Bon Jovi groupies still living in the 80's wet and clammy and did he sweat and nit-pick excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he overreact to you on the phone or write you a piece of popcorn kernal skin that's stuck between your teeth or better yet, send you a bouquet of sleep deprived parents of a newborn?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last overdue library book he has the Miley Cyrus wannabees for you.

Happy Birthday!

Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for (name of girl in room). We are here to celebrate her (noun). All of her most (adjective) friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful (noun). I must say that she doesn't look a day over (number). Naturally, we have some presents. (Boy in room) brought her a beautiful copper (noun) that she can wear on her lovely (noun). And our hostess got her a dozen (plural noun) that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge (adjective) (noun) with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very (adjective) birthday and many happy (plural noun). Now let's all sing together: "Happy (noun) to you!"

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Brand New Baby Cupcake. We are here to celebrate her pacifier. All of her most poopy friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful breast pump. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 5. Naturally, we have some presents. Bart Simpson brought her a beautiful copper newborn diaper that she can wear on her lovely C-Section scar. And our hostess got her a dozen diaper wipes that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge adorable nipple cream with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very baby powder-smelling birthday and many happy pain pills. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Hospital Bill to you!"

Natalie said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Wibbly Wobbly Wanda. We are here to celebrate her old lady feathered swimming cap. All of her most eyeballing everyone in the room friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful skankwad. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 234. Naturally, we have some presents. Hungry Hungry Hugo brought her a beautiful copper toe-curling belch that she can wear on her lovely random bus rider. And our hostess got her a dozen pocket-protecting nerds that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge, thinks "harrass" is two words instead of one, Oprah-phile with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very paper-cut-giving birthday and many happy Xanadu fans. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Cat-eating Alien to you!"

b. said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Syd. We are here to celebrate her muffin. All of her most sleepy friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful blouse. I must say that she doesn't look a day over four. Naturally, we have some presents. Hoss brought her a beautiful copper business card that she can wear on her lovely paper cutter. And our hostess got her a dozen slippers that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge satisfied crushed ice with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very hilarious birthday and many happy fingers. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Flat Iron to you!"

Klin said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Maggie. We are here to celebrate her mouse. All of her most funny friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful scream. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 14. Naturally, we have some presents. Oldest brought her a beautiful copper dog that she can wear on her lovely son. And our hostess got her a dozen frames that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge loud massage with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very saweet birthday and many happy garbage cans. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Lamp to you!"

Becky said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Olive Oyl. We are here to celebrate her wilted green spinach. All of her most off-white friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful Tuesday. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 867-5309. Naturally, we have some presents. Popeye brought her a beautiful copper hamburger that she can wear on her lovely metal garbage can. And our hostess got her a dozen whining children that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge slimiest uber-strength with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very loathsome birthday and many happy ice encrusted cars. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Anchor Tattoo to you!"

Dalene said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Veronica. We are here to celebrate her spent mousetrap. All of her most belly-up friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful abandoned Facebook account. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 642. Naturally, we have some presents. Joe brought her a beautiful copper pile of toenail clippings that she can wear on her lovely bleeping beeping alarm clock. And our hostess got her a dozen splintered railroad ties that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge conspicuously vacant ball of dryer lint with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very pretentious birthday and many happy piles of toenail clippings. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Leftover Fruitcake to you!"

Advice to Prospective Parents #1

Congratulations to all of you (adjective) mothers and (adjective) fathers. You are about to give birth to a/an (noun). Remember, a happy child comes from a happy (noun). Undoubtedly, the (noun) will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little (noun) its bottle of (adjective) milk. Later, when he's (number) years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little (plural noun) around the house. And in no time he'll be talking (adverb) and calling you his "(noun)" and "(noun)." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of (plural noun).

Natalie said...
Congratulations to all of you catladyish mothers and going braless but shouldn't fathers. You are about to give birth to a kitchen cupboard doorknob. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy dust mite. Undoubtedly, the mad duck on a string will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little old boyfriend its bottle of tipsy milk. Later, when he's 18234 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little shoe tongues around the house. And in no time he'll be talking pejoratively and calling you his "Dittohead" and "open beam ceiling." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of Robert Redford fans.

Klin said...
Congratulations to all of you amazing mothers and hand-milled fathers. You are about to give birth to an HD-TV. Remember, a happy child comes from happy snow. Undoubtedly, the four-wheel drive will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little squeaking dishwasher its bottle of more than enough milk. Later, when he's 46729 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little boxes of Little Mermaid fish tanks around the house. And in no time he'll be talking ergo and calling you his "major stairway" and "stupid commercial." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of boxes of goldfishy crackers.

Dalene said...
Congratulations to all of you erudite mothers and forgettable fathers. You are about to give birth to a toenail fungus. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy on-call snow shoveler. Undoubtedly, the dust bunny will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little flying buttress its bottle of high-maintenance milk. Later, when he's 32 and a half years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little messy bedrooms around the house. And in no time he'll be talking expeditiously and calling you his "leaky faucet" and "dunce cap." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of piles of laundry.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Congratulations to all of you curdled mothers and stomach acid inducing fathers. You are about to give birth to a pontoon. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy fixity. Undoubtedly, the strange pregnancy craving will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little Facebook Status its bottle of "I'm not really a waitress" red milk. Later, when he's 815 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little chocolate chip cookies around the house. And in no time he'll be talking pragmatically and calling you his "5 year old child's drawing of her mommy with fangs and a princess crown" and "Bret Michaels groupie/floozie." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of Yo! Gabba, Gabba creatures.