Advice to Prospective Parents #1

Congratulations to all of you (adjective) mothers and (adjective) fathers. You are about to give birth to a/an (noun). Remember, a happy child comes from a happy (noun). Undoubtedly, the (noun) will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little (noun) its bottle of (adjective) milk. Later, when he's (number) years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little (plural noun) around the house. And in no time he'll be talking (adverb) and calling you his "(noun)" and "(noun)." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of (plural noun).

Natalie said...
Congratulations to all of you catladyish mothers and going braless but shouldn't fathers. You are about to give birth to a kitchen cupboard doorknob. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy dust mite. Undoubtedly, the mad duck on a string will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little old boyfriend its bottle of tipsy milk. Later, when he's 18234 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little shoe tongues around the house. And in no time he'll be talking pejoratively and calling you his "Dittohead" and "open beam ceiling." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of Robert Redford fans.

Klin said...
Congratulations to all of you amazing mothers and hand-milled fathers. You are about to give birth to an HD-TV. Remember, a happy child comes from happy snow. Undoubtedly, the four-wheel drive will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little squeaking dishwasher its bottle of more than enough milk. Later, when he's 46729 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little boxes of Little Mermaid fish tanks around the house. And in no time he'll be talking ergo and calling you his "major stairway" and "stupid commercial." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of boxes of goldfishy crackers.

Dalene said...
Congratulations to all of you erudite mothers and forgettable fathers. You are about to give birth to a toenail fungus. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy on-call snow shoveler. Undoubtedly, the dust bunny will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little flying buttress its bottle of high-maintenance milk. Later, when he's 32 and a half years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little messy bedrooms around the house. And in no time he'll be talking expeditiously and calling you his "leaky faucet" and "dunce cap." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of piles of laundry.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Congratulations to all of you curdled mothers and stomach acid inducing fathers. You are about to give birth to a pontoon. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy fixity. Undoubtedly, the strange pregnancy craving will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little Facebook Status its bottle of "I'm not really a waitress" red milk. Later, when he's 815 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little chocolate chip cookies around the house. And in no time he'll be talking pragmatically and calling you his "5 year old child's drawing of her mommy with fangs and a princess crown" and "Bret Michaels groupie/floozie." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of Yo! Gabba, Gabba creatures.