It’s a pleasure to see so many (adjective) members of our (noun) Club here this evening. I would like to thank (name of host or hostess) for allowing us to meet here in this (adjective) home. At our last meeting, you will remember, (name of woman in room) spoke to us about her experiences among the (plural noun) of Central Mexico. This evening (name of man in room) has promised to play a few selections on his (noun). And (a celebrity) will show us how he converted an old (noun) into a beautiful (noun). Later, (name of woman in room) will show us her new (noun) and tell us where we can get the materials to make one. Afterwards we will retire to the (adjective) (noun) for some (adjective) refreshments.
Millie said...
It’s a pleasure to see so many distracted-by-dust-motes members of our Annoying Soup Slurp Club here this evening. I would like to thank the Commander for allowing us to meet here in this ingenious home. At our last meeting, you will remember, Madge spoke to us about her experiences among the rancid pork chops of Central Mexico. This evening Angry Elf has promised to play a few selections on his runaway hog. And Craig Slist will show us how he converted an old cookie-crammer into a beautiful pew. Later, Consuelo will show us her new fishnet stocking and tell us where we can get the materials to make one. Afterwards we will retire to the threaded-through-belt-loops special brownie for some carrot-eating refreshments.
Heffalump said...
It’s a pleasure to see so many perspiring members of our Roulette Wheel Club here this evening. I would like to thank Mildred for allowing us to meet here in this conspiring home. At our last meeting, you will remember, Veronica spoke to us about her experiences among the Korean glass noodles of Central Mexico. This evening Clyde has promised to play a few selections on his beachfront property. And Jillian from the Biggest Loser will show us how she converted an old ballistic missile into a beautiful army engineer. Later, Patsy will show us her new spanking machine and tell us where we can get the materials to make one. Afterwards we will retire to the retiring peach cobbler for some inflexible refreshments.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
School Days
In honor of school starting this week...
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any (plural noun) to do our math for us. We would add columns of (plural noun) to other columns of (plural noun) to master addition. We had to sit (adverb) when the teacher lectured to us about American (noun) and English (noun). Every day at lunch we would eat a/an (an animal) sandwich, a (noun) and a glass of (liquid).
In Science lab, we dissected a/an (noun) and saw its (noun) and (noun). Some people got sick and (verb, past tense) when we did this. Sometimes we would have a (noun) show. Some of the students would (verb) to (noun) music, while others recited (plural noun). The best was when three boys juggled (plural noun) while turning (plural noun) and standing on their (part of body, plural).
Millie said...
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any pencil-neck geeks to do our math for us. We would add columns of Andrews Sisters to other columns of Queen fans to master addition. We had to sit outrageously when the teacher lectured to us about American bend and snap and English history major. Every day at lunch we would eat a gecko sandwich, a diphead and a glass of nostril sauce.
In Science lab, we dissected an obscene bumper sticker and saw its skylark and annoying lip twitch. Some people got sick and smirked when we did this. Sometimes we would have a coffee table crasher show. Some of the students would trip over nothing to halo wearer music, while others recited lightning rods. The best was when three boys juggled weird artists who smear themselves with chocolate onstage while turning kitty eyes and standing on their arm waddle.
Heffalump said...
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any mops to do our math for us. We would add columns of brooms to other columns of latex gloves to master addition. We had to sit with attention to detail when the teacher lectured to us about American duster and English lemon Pledge. Every day at lunch we would eat a guinea pig sandwich, a rag and a glass of glass cleaner.
In Science lab, we dissected Lysol and saw its bleach and squeegee. Some people got sick and scrubbed when we did this. Sometimes we would have a spray bottle show. Some of the students would polish to gum scraper music, while others recited detergents. The best was when three boys juggled janitors while turning trash cans and standing on their fingernails.
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any (plural noun) to do our math for us. We would add columns of (plural noun) to other columns of (plural noun) to master addition. We had to sit (adverb) when the teacher lectured to us about American (noun) and English (noun). Every day at lunch we would eat a/an (an animal) sandwich, a (noun) and a glass of (liquid).
In Science lab, we dissected a/an (noun) and saw its (noun) and (noun). Some people got sick and (verb, past tense) when we did this. Sometimes we would have a (noun) show. Some of the students would (verb) to (noun) music, while others recited (plural noun). The best was when three boys juggled (plural noun) while turning (plural noun) and standing on their (part of body, plural).
Millie said...
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any pencil-neck geeks to do our math for us. We would add columns of Andrews Sisters to other columns of Queen fans to master addition. We had to sit outrageously when the teacher lectured to us about American bend and snap and English history major. Every day at lunch we would eat a gecko sandwich, a diphead and a glass of nostril sauce.
In Science lab, we dissected an obscene bumper sticker and saw its skylark and annoying lip twitch. Some people got sick and smirked when we did this. Sometimes we would have a coffee table crasher show. Some of the students would trip over nothing to halo wearer music, while others recited lightning rods. The best was when three boys juggled weird artists who smear themselves with chocolate onstage while turning kitty eyes and standing on their arm waddle.
Heffalump said...
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any mops to do our math for us. We would add columns of brooms to other columns of latex gloves to master addition. We had to sit with attention to detail when the teacher lectured to us about American duster and English lemon Pledge. Every day at lunch we would eat a guinea pig sandwich, a rag and a glass of glass cleaner.
In Science lab, we dissected Lysol and saw its bleach and squeegee. Some people got sick and scrubbed when we did this. Sometimes we would have a spray bottle show. Some of the students would polish to gum scraper music, while others recited detergents. The best was when three boys juggled janitors while turning trash cans and standing on their fingernails.
Friday, September 3, 2010
How To Do That New Dance, the Monstrosity
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot (adverb) to the side. Now stamp your right foot (number) times and put your hands on your partner's (plural noun). Next, you both (verb) slowly to the right and bend your (part of the body) backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you (verb) (adverb) to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your (plural noun) and slap your (plural noun) together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your (plural noun) together and shout, "(nonsense word)!" Now (verb) backward and repeat the whole thing (number) times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always (verb) the next one out.
Millie's son and daughter said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot tissue-pullingly to the side. Now stamp your right foot 23 times and put your hands on your partner's "Ugh" shouters. Next, you both barf slowly to the right and bend your elbow-pinchie backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you put fingers in a moving fan cat-lickingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your annoying bells and slap your potato chips together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your butt slappers together and shout, "Shmeowzow!" Now lick an exhaust pipe backward and repeat the whole thing 57 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always cow-tip the next one out.
Heffalump said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot painstakingly to the side. Now stamp your right foot 77 times and put your hands on your partner's wildfires. Next, you both jiggle slowly to the right and bend your sacrum backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you spank shockingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your jello-filled pools and slap your mannequins together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your prawns together and shout, "Sploink!" Now dance the electric slide backward and repeat the whole thing 6.2 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always irritate the next one out.
Millie's son and daughter said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot tissue-pullingly to the side. Now stamp your right foot 23 times and put your hands on your partner's "Ugh" shouters. Next, you both barf slowly to the right and bend your elbow-pinchie backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you put fingers in a moving fan cat-lickingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your annoying bells and slap your potato chips together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your butt slappers together and shout, "Shmeowzow!" Now lick an exhaust pipe backward and repeat the whole thing 57 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always cow-tip the next one out.
Heffalump said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot painstakingly to the side. Now stamp your right foot 77 times and put your hands on your partner's wildfires. Next, you both jiggle slowly to the right and bend your sacrum backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you spank shockingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your jello-filled pools and slap your mannequins together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your prawns together and shout, "Sploink!" Now dance the electric slide backward and repeat the whole thing 6.2 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always irritate the next one out.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Chinese Dinner
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is (adjective) and the service is (adjective). The owner of the restaurant, (celebrity), suggested that for my first course I have sweet and (adjective) spare ribs, which is a specialty of the (noun). They were (adjective). For the next course, I was served a/an (adjective) (noun) soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo (noun), lobster in (food) sauce, and pressed (food). For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese (noun) cookies with sliced (food). But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel (adjective) again.
Millie's sister and brother-in-law said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is stout and muumuu-wearing and the service is fish face-resembling. The owner of the restaurant, Rodney Dangerfield, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and sloppy spare ribs, which is a specialty of the stub tail jewelry. They were extremely deep belly button-having. For the next course, I was served a poo-encrusted drool cup soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Pus-y Nipple Hair, lobster in dog salad sauce, and pressed fish taco. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese butt hair cookies with sliced hamburger jello. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel purple and dimpled again.
Heffalump said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is pansy-faced and the service is stray cat strutting. The owner of the restaurant, Elton John, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and swanky spare ribs, which is a specialty of the rainbow clown wig. They were wedgie-distributing. For the next course, I was served a politically incorrect gold tooth soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Watermelon, lobster in chicken chimichanga sauce, and pressed tapioca. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese urinal cookies with sliced smelt. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel bedazzled again.
Millie's sister and brother-in-law said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is stout and muumuu-wearing and the service is fish face-resembling. The owner of the restaurant, Rodney Dangerfield, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and sloppy spare ribs, which is a specialty of the stub tail jewelry. They were extremely deep belly button-having. For the next course, I was served a poo-encrusted drool cup soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Pus-y Nipple Hair, lobster in dog salad sauce, and pressed fish taco. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese butt hair cookies with sliced hamburger jello. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel purple and dimpled again.
Heffalump said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is pansy-faced and the service is stray cat strutting. The owner of the restaurant, Elton John, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and swanky spare ribs, which is a specialty of the rainbow clown wig. They were wedgie-distributing. For the next course, I was served a politically incorrect gold tooth soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Watermelon, lobster in chicken chimichanga sauce, and pressed tapioca. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese urinal cookies with sliced smelt. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel bedazzled again.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
A Fable
Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's (plural noun). She kept company with a/an (adjective) man named (name of man in room), who was always buying her (adjective) presents. Once he gave her a diamond (noun) to wear on her (noun), and he bought her a/an (adjective) (noun) to wear in her (noun). Then one day he bought her a/an (adjective) horse. As soon as she saw the (adjective) animal, she began to examine it (adverb). First she looked at the horse's (noun), and then at its (noun). Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its (noun). At this, the horse became (adjective) and bit off her (noun).
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the (noun).
Heffalump said...
Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's coconuts. She kept company with a death-defying man named Moondoggie, who was always buying her shark-infested presents. Once he gave her a diamond boogie board to wear on her lifeguard tower, and he bought her a tsunami-sized sand dollar to wear in her board shorts. Then one day he bought her a competitive horse. As soon as she saw the blue animal, she began to examine it swimmingly. First she looked at the horse's pineapple, and then at its roasted pig. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its luau. At this, the horse became grass skirt-wearing and bit off her carnuba wax.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the Big Kahuna.
Millie said...
Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's kitty pants. She kept company with a whimsical man named Carl, who was always buying her rooster-obsessed presents. Once he gave her a diamond angry cockroach to wear on her pool noodle, and he bought her a clownlike, recently-swirlied freshman to wear in her hot buttered seduction on a stick. Then one day he bought her a goofily grinning horse. As soon as she saw the striped animal, she began to examine it momentarily. First she looked at the horse's crankjob, and then at its Costco addict. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its pantyhose mask. At this, the horse became stripped of inhibition and bit off her breath mint.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the vacuum hose.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the (noun).
Heffalump said...
Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's coconuts. She kept company with a death-defying man named Moondoggie, who was always buying her shark-infested presents. Once he gave her a diamond boogie board to wear on her lifeguard tower, and he bought her a tsunami-sized sand dollar to wear in her board shorts. Then one day he bought her a competitive horse. As soon as she saw the blue animal, she began to examine it swimmingly. First she looked at the horse's pineapple, and then at its roasted pig. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its luau. At this, the horse became grass skirt-wearing and bit off her carnuba wax.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the Big Kahuna.
Millie said...
Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's kitty pants. She kept company with a whimsical man named Carl, who was always buying her rooster-obsessed presents. Once he gave her a diamond angry cockroach to wear on her pool noodle, and he bought her a clownlike, recently-swirlied freshman to wear in her hot buttered seduction on a stick. Then one day he bought her a goofily grinning horse. As soon as she saw the striped animal, she began to examine it momentarily. First she looked at the horse's crankjob, and then at its Costco addict. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its pantyhose mask. At this, the horse became stripped of inhibition and bit off her breath mint.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the vacuum hose.
Friday, August 6, 2010
A Family Car Trip
KID: I'm starved, Mom. My (part of the body) is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough (noun) food today. You ate enough to choke a (noun).
KID: But I'm a growing (noun). Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with (plural noun) and (plural noun)?
DAD: You just had a/an (adjective) breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled (plural noun) and a glass of (liquid).
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered (noun), plus that stack of (plural noun)?
KID: (Exclamation)! I have to go to the (noun) room. Can we stop? I have to go real (adjective)!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my (plural noun).
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong (liquid).
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled (noun) and some (adjective) fries? That'll hold me until lunch.
Millie said...
KID: I'm starved, Mom. My umbilicus is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough Weinermobile food today. You ate enough to choke a disaster.
KID: But I'm a growing mudslinger. Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with tiaras and beef jerky canisters that still smell like beef jerky?
DAD: You just had an injected-with-lard breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled Cub Scouts and a glass of spit.
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered dew drop, plus that stack of bathroom tile?
KID: Heavens to Betsy! I have to go to the Crunchberry room. Can we stop? I have to go real befuddled!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my age spots.
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong cantaloupe juice.
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled disgruntled postal worker and some road rage-afflicted fries? That'll hold me until lunch.
Heffalump said...
KID: I'm starved, Mom. My clavicle is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough cotton candy food today. You ate enough to choke a watermelon rind.
KID: But I'm a growing county fair. Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with rodeo clowns and elephant ears?
DAD: You just had a fresh squeezed breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled tickets and a glass of funnel cake batter.
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered Zipper, plus that stack of Sno-Cones?
KID: YeeHAW! I have to go to the corn on the cob room. Can we stop? I have to go real recently milked!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my vendors.
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong sweat from a cowboy's brow.
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled 4-H Club and some impossible to win fries? That'll hold me until lunch.
MOM: I think you've had enough (noun) food today. You ate enough to choke a (noun).
KID: But I'm a growing (noun). Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with (plural noun) and (plural noun)?
DAD: You just had a/an (adjective) breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled (plural noun) and a glass of (liquid).
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered (noun), plus that stack of (plural noun)?
KID: (Exclamation)! I have to go to the (noun) room. Can we stop? I have to go real (adjective)!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my (plural noun).
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong (liquid).
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled (noun) and some (adjective) fries? That'll hold me until lunch.
Millie said...
KID: I'm starved, Mom. My umbilicus is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough Weinermobile food today. You ate enough to choke a disaster.
KID: But I'm a growing mudslinger. Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with tiaras and beef jerky canisters that still smell like beef jerky?
DAD: You just had an injected-with-lard breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled Cub Scouts and a glass of spit.
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered dew drop, plus that stack of bathroom tile?
KID: Heavens to Betsy! I have to go to the Crunchberry room. Can we stop? I have to go real befuddled!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my age spots.
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong cantaloupe juice.
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled disgruntled postal worker and some road rage-afflicted fries? That'll hold me until lunch.
Heffalump said...
KID: I'm starved, Mom. My clavicle is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough cotton candy food today. You ate enough to choke a watermelon rind.
KID: But I'm a growing county fair. Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with rodeo clowns and elephant ears?
DAD: You just had a fresh squeezed breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled tickets and a glass of funnel cake batter.
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered Zipper, plus that stack of Sno-Cones?
KID: YeeHAW! I have to go to the corn on the cob room. Can we stop? I have to go real recently milked!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my vendors.
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong sweat from a cowboy's brow.
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled 4-H Club and some impossible to win fries? That'll hold me until lunch.
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