Tarzan

One of the most running-to-the-bathroom-in-fear characters in fiction is called “Tarzan of the Tortured Earwigs.” Tarzan was raised by a kitty squirt stain on your rug and lives in a hideous-backhair-having jungle in the heart of darkest Skipper’s restaurant bathroom. He spends most of his time eating whiskered old lady arm fat and swinging from tree to face tattoo. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, “Ree! (pooh)!” This is his war cry. Tarzan always dresses in obsessed-with-client-cleanliness shorts made from the skin of a cateater, and his best friend is an offended-by-Disney-movies chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and moles. In the movies, Tarzan is played by Johnny Cash’s interior designer.