Last time we went to the beach, we stayed at a nice little inn. No complaints out of us - but if we'd had any, this letter would have come in handy.
Dear Sir or (noun),
I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).
Natalie said...
Dear Sir or Guy on the train who wants you to take a nude picture of him in the dressing room,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your only eats the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown scab was an outrageous yap-yap. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of hairy armpits. All I found in my room was a trash angry goose butt filled with old sewer rats in disguise. You also claimed to offer free overnight straining in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new blinding grocery store laser across the street in a vacant electrolysis enjoyer. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were waftingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my Bob the Builder obsesser, but he broke two of my uvulas while giving me a Swedish tipped-over cow. Your room service was a totally dipheaded joke! They not only served burnt lukewarm vomit but spilled a hot cup of nipple ring accessories all over my newly pressed adorable Sunbeam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a child that says she loves yogurt but eats one bite and says she hates it! I'm planning to sue you for a million speech impediments.
Klin said...
Dear Sir or Banana,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your ginormously large hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown printer was an outrageous bird. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of juicy cantaloupes. All I found in my room was a trash book shelf filled with old empty boxes. You also claimed to offer free overnight screaming in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Breaking Dawn across the street in a vacant sock. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were excruciatingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my new furniture, but he broke two of my eyelids while giving me a Swedish basement. Your room service was a soft-a-licious joke! They not only served burnt soaking tub but spilled a hot cup of aching feet all over my newly pressed school. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a picture window! I'm planning to sue you for a million connected printers.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Sir or Half-eaten Peach,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your Cheetah-licious hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown measuring tape was an outrageous lotion dispenser. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of Olympic Beach Volleyball Cheerleaders. All I found in my room was a trash Martina McBride filled with old Applebee's Resturant patrons. You also claimed to offer free overnight gagging in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Cheetah Girl across the street in a vacant Olympic Silver Medal. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were begrudgingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my empty bag of Fritos, but he broke two of my earlobes while giving me a Swedish knapsack. Your room service was a nauseating joke! They not only served burnt at-home pregnancy test but spilled a hot cup of abandoned flip-flop all over my newly pressed laundry basket. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a dull razor! I'm planning to sue you for a million nervous children on their first day back to school.
Wynne said...
Dear Sir or Feces,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your crushing hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sedimentary rock was an outrageous penguin. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of punk rockers. All I found in my room was a trash cat sick filled with old missionaries. You also claimed to offer free overnight drowning in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new bubble gum across the street in a vacant diaper rash. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were queasily inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my clam chowder, but he broke two of my orifices while giving me a Swedish Parthenon. Your room service was a slippery joke! They not only served burnt smoke but spilled a hot cup of twinkie all over my newly pressed rutabaga. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a Suburban! I'm planning to sue you for a million dust motes.
Dalene said...
Dear Sir or Tricep,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your deliriously incompetent hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown bicep was an outrageous quadricep. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of nematodes. All I found in my room was a trash cubicle filled with old epithets. You also claimed to offer free overnight masticating in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new clavicle across the street in a vacant cuticle. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were expeditiously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my abyss, but he broke two of my anterior cruciate ligaments while giving me a Swedish catalyst. Your room service was an ooey-gooey joke! They not only served burnt catharsis but spilled a hot cup of doorknob all over my newly pressed door jam. I had to go to a business meeting wearing toe jam! I'm planning to sue you for a million apothecary jars.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Pickup Lines
A nod to our trip to the beach :)
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away (adverb)!
~ Can I buy you a/an (noun) or do you just want the money?
~ Your (part of the body) must be real tired, because you've been (verb ending in ING) through my (noun) all night long.
~ Your father must have been a/an (occupation), because he stole the (noun) from the (plural noun) and put them in your (part of the body, plural).
~ Is it (adjective) in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a/an (noun)? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those (plural noun) and me with no (plural noun)!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my (part of the body) when I (verb, past tense) for you.
~ I may not be the most (adjective) guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Tori said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away awesomely!
~ Can I buy you a Mo's clam chowder or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been wishing through my seaweed all night long.
~ Your father must have been a perverted beach patroler in charge of inviting innocent women to Happy Hour, because he stole the safety goggles from the really big rocks in the middle of the ocean and put them in your armpits.
~ Is it salty in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a picnic? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those Aubrey's waffles and me with no flowers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my shoulder blade when I vacationed for you.
~ I may not be the most sandy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Wynne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away snakily!
~ Can I buy you cottage cheese or do you just want the money?
~ Your epiglottis must be real tired, because you've been roasting through my airport all night long.
~ Your father must have been a bag boy, because he stole the fungus from the fungi and put them in your cheeks.
~ Is it sweet in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have tooth enamel? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those mice and me with no fragrances!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my nostril when I was bitten for you.
~ I may not be the most sparkly guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away expeditiously!
~ Can I buy you a mismarked measuring tape or do you just want the money?
~ Your uvula must be real tired, because you've been placating through my Michael Phelps all night long.
~ Your father must have been a Head Hunter, because he stole the angry letter from the IRS from the quarters and put them in your pancreas.
~ Is it acrimonious in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a convertible top full of holes? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those gold medals and me with no tubes of Aspercreme!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my pinky toe when I ate for you.
~ I may not be the most purple guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Heffalump said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away righteously!
~ Can I buy you a gorilla or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been swinging through my broccoli all night long.
~ Your father must have been a golf caddy, because he stole the sock monkey from the seagulls and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it tubular in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a pandemic flu? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those sisters and me with no tsunamis!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my adenoid when I dreamed for you.
~ I may not be the most masochistic guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Suzanne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you an Arch Cape or do you just want the money?
~ Your feet must be real tired, because you've been grinning through my Cannon Beach all night long.
~ Your father must have been a shopper, because he stole the Seaside from the waves and put them in your flowers.
~ Is it cold in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a Multnomah Falls? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those giggles and me with no bloggers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my arm when I loved for you.
~ I may not be the most giddy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Klin said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you a breath taking waterfall or do you just want the money?
~ Your armpit must be real tired, because you've been laughing through my sleepless night all night long.
~ Your father must have been a party planner, because he stole the private beach from the Super Happy Girls and put them in your aching from laughter belly.
~ Is it "wouldn't have missed it for the world" fabulous in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have fantastic food? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those seriously jealous onlookers and me with no deluxe accommodations!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my manicured toenails when I enjoyed for you.
~ I may not be the most genuine guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Dalene said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away adoringly!
~ Can I buy you a spectrometer or do you just want the money?
~ Your clavicle must be real tired, because you've been sparking through my chickpea all night long.
~ Your father must have been a crocodile wrangler, because he stole the asteroid belt from the specimens and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it extremely sticky in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have an intake manifold? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those cubicles and me with no globules!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my big toe when I redecorated for you.
~ I may not be the most exoskeletal guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
(For more really horrible pick-up lines - some are listed here - try here.)
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away (adverb)!
~ Can I buy you a/an (noun) or do you just want the money?
~ Your (part of the body) must be real tired, because you've been (verb ending in ING) through my (noun) all night long.
~ Your father must have been a/an (occupation), because he stole the (noun) from the (plural noun) and put them in your (part of the body, plural).
~ Is it (adjective) in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a/an (noun)? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those (plural noun) and me with no (plural noun)!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my (part of the body) when I (verb, past tense) for you.
~ I may not be the most (adjective) guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Tori said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away awesomely!
~ Can I buy you a Mo's clam chowder or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been wishing through my seaweed all night long.
~ Your father must have been a perverted beach patroler in charge of inviting innocent women to Happy Hour, because he stole the safety goggles from the really big rocks in the middle of the ocean and put them in your armpits.
~ Is it salty in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a picnic? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those Aubrey's waffles and me with no flowers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my shoulder blade when I vacationed for you.
~ I may not be the most sandy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Wynne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away snakily!
~ Can I buy you cottage cheese or do you just want the money?
~ Your epiglottis must be real tired, because you've been roasting through my airport all night long.
~ Your father must have been a bag boy, because he stole the fungus from the fungi and put them in your cheeks.
~ Is it sweet in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have tooth enamel? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those mice and me with no fragrances!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my nostril when I was bitten for you.
~ I may not be the most sparkly guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away expeditiously!
~ Can I buy you a mismarked measuring tape or do you just want the money?
~ Your uvula must be real tired, because you've been placating through my Michael Phelps all night long.
~ Your father must have been a Head Hunter, because he stole the angry letter from the IRS from the quarters and put them in your pancreas.
~ Is it acrimonious in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a convertible top full of holes? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those gold medals and me with no tubes of Aspercreme!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my pinky toe when I ate for you.
~ I may not be the most purple guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Heffalump said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away righteously!
~ Can I buy you a gorilla or do you just want the money?
~ Your kneecap must be real tired, because you've been swinging through my broccoli all night long.
~ Your father must have been a golf caddy, because he stole the sock monkey from the seagulls and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it tubular in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a pandemic flu? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those sisters and me with no tsunamis!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my adenoid when I dreamed for you.
~ I may not be the most masochistic guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Suzanne said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you an Arch Cape or do you just want the money?
~ Your feet must be real tired, because you've been grinning through my Cannon Beach all night long.
~ Your father must have been a shopper, because he stole the Seaside from the waves and put them in your flowers.
~ Is it cold in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have a Multnomah Falls? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those giggles and me with no bloggers!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my arm when I loved for you.
~ I may not be the most giddy guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Klin said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away excitedly!
~ Can I buy you a breath taking waterfall or do you just want the money?
~ Your armpit must be real tired, because you've been laughing through my sleepless night all night long.
~ Your father must have been a party planner, because he stole the private beach from the Super Happy Girls and put them in your aching from laughter belly.
~ Is it "wouldn't have missed it for the world" fabulous in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have fantastic food? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those seriously jealous onlookers and me with no deluxe accommodations!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my manicured toenails when I enjoyed for you.
~ I may not be the most genuine guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
Dalene said...
Ever heard these lines before? If so, run away adoringly!
~ Can I buy you a spectrometer or do you just want the money?
~ Your clavicle must be real tired, because you've been sparking through my chickpea all night long.
~ Your father must have been a crocodile wrangler, because he stole the asteroid belt from the specimens and put them in your funny bones.
~ Is it extremely sticky in here, or is it just you?
~ Do you have an intake manifold? No? How about a date?
~ Look at all of those cubicles and me with no globules!
~ Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my big toe when I redecorated for you.
~ I may not be the most exoskeletal guy in the room, but I'm the only one talking to you!
(For more really horrible pick-up lines - some are listed here - try here.)
Friday, August 1, 2008
Vacation Dialogue
GIRL: Hello. My name is (girl's name).
BOY: Hi. My name is (male celebrity). I came here with my mother and father and my little (noun).
GIRL: I am here with my best girl (noun). We are staying at the (name of boy) Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great (noun) there. How is the food?
GIRL: (Adjective). But the room only costs (number) dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a/an (noun) for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go (verb ending in ING).
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised (female celebrity) I'd go (verb ending in ING) with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a/an (adjective) Dance at the Hotel (verb ending in ING) Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a/an (adjective) dress and your (kind of shoe, plural). I am going to wear my (plural noun).
Suzanne said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Alice.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward. I came here with my mother and father and my little vampire.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl blood. We are staying at the Jasper Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great red Ford truck there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hot. But the room only costs 1 googolplex dollars a day.
BOY: I rented an immortal for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Bella I'd go kissing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Pale Dance at the Hotel Fighting Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sparkly dress and your boots. I am going to wear my sports cars.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Grizelda Thurburger.
BOY: Hi. My name is Kermit the Frog. I came here with my mother and father and my little heaping pile of nachos.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl pathetic attention-hogging Disney Channel star. We are staying at the Tea-Toddling Tommy Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great only person in America who hasn't seen "The Dark Knight" yet there. How is the food?
GIRL: Vast. But the room only costs 144,000 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a charbroiled hot dog for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go anticipating.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Miss Piggy I'd go quantifying with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Mammoth Dance at the Hotel Rehabilitating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a thundering dress and your mud-covered galoshes. I am going to wear my teething toddlers.
Melonsquirtz said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Knobby Knockers Nancy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Phil Donahue. I came here with my mother and father and my little gerbil drool remover.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl putt putt foofer. We are staying at the never-not-nude Ned Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great trike-riding old biddy there. How is the food?
GIRL: Obsessed with bellybutton preening. But the room only costs 663 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drawers-staining content for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go rear-on-the-carpet dragging.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Kathy Griffin I'd go in-front-of-everyone pants ripping with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Wishes for a Smaller Butt Dance at the Hotel "Old Yeller" Mocking Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a maggot farming dress and your sockie-slippers. I am going to wear my monkey trots.
Klin said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Kristy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward Cullen. I came here with my mother and father and my little mall.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl Macy's grocery store. We are staying at the James Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great not quite bright enough lamp there. How is the food?
GIRL: Slimy. But the room only costs 1 dollar a day.
BOY: I rented a blinding sunlight for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Angelina Jolie I'd go skating with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Scaly Dance at the Hotel Boarding Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a slobbery dress and your stiletto pumps. I am going to wear my monkeys.
Jean Knee said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Jean Knee.
BOY: Hi. My name is Rene Russo. I came here with my mother and father and my little crusty boil.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl panty twisting lynch pin. We are staying at the Drew Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great carotid artery there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hawt. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drippy, leaking bladder for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go laughing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Michelle Kwan I'd go scootching with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Death Defying Dance at the Hotel Enbalming Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sugar teak sucking dress and your Mary Janes. I am going to wear my Mad Libs.
Rachael said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Betty Spaghetti.
BOY: Hi. My name is Matt Damon. I came here with my mother and father and my little cactus.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl nasty old gym shoe. We are staying at the Eddie Spaghetti Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great Cincinnati, Ohio there. How is the food?
GIRL: Gangly. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a cheap wedding ring for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go oozing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Anne Hathaway I'd go snoozing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Jail Striped Dance at the Hotel Slooping Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a gritty dress and your stiletto heels. I am going to wear my ripe bananas.
Dalene said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Penelope.
BOY: Hi. My name is Brad Pitt. I came here with my mother and father and my little clam digger.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl drumstick. We are staying at the Peter Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great rust-bucket there. How is the food?
GIRL: Pent-up. But the room only costs 152 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a limp bandana for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go sleeping.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Madonna I'd go waving with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Perpendicular Dance at the Hotel Matriculating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear an unparalled dress and your Birkenstocks. I am going to wear my bastions of society.
BOY: Hi. My name is (male celebrity). I came here with my mother and father and my little (noun).
GIRL: I am here with my best girl (noun). We are staying at the (name of boy) Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great (noun) there. How is the food?
GIRL: (Adjective). But the room only costs (number) dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a/an (noun) for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go (verb ending in ING).
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised (female celebrity) I'd go (verb ending in ING) with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a/an (adjective) Dance at the Hotel (verb ending in ING) Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a/an (adjective) dress and your (kind of shoe, plural). I am going to wear my (plural noun).
Suzanne said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Alice.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward. I came here with my mother and father and my little vampire.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl blood. We are staying at the Jasper Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great red Ford truck there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hot. But the room only costs 1 googolplex dollars a day.
BOY: I rented an immortal for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Bella I'd go kissing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Pale Dance at the Hotel Fighting Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sparkly dress and your boots. I am going to wear my sports cars.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Grizelda Thurburger.
BOY: Hi. My name is Kermit the Frog. I came here with my mother and father and my little heaping pile of nachos.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl pathetic attention-hogging Disney Channel star. We are staying at the Tea-Toddling Tommy Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great only person in America who hasn't seen "The Dark Knight" yet there. How is the food?
GIRL: Vast. But the room only costs 144,000 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a charbroiled hot dog for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go anticipating.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Miss Piggy I'd go quantifying with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Mammoth Dance at the Hotel Rehabilitating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a thundering dress and your mud-covered galoshes. I am going to wear my teething toddlers.
Melonsquirtz said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Knobby Knockers Nancy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Phil Donahue. I came here with my mother and father and my little gerbil drool remover.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl putt putt foofer. We are staying at the never-not-nude Ned Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great trike-riding old biddy there. How is the food?
GIRL: Obsessed with bellybutton preening. But the room only costs 663 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drawers-staining content for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go rear-on-the-carpet dragging.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Kathy Griffin I'd go in-front-of-everyone pants ripping with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Wishes for a Smaller Butt Dance at the Hotel "Old Yeller" Mocking Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a maggot farming dress and your sockie-slippers. I am going to wear my monkey trots.
Klin said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Kristy.
BOY: Hi. My name is Edward Cullen. I came here with my mother and father and my little mall.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl Macy's grocery store. We are staying at the James Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great not quite bright enough lamp there. How is the food?
GIRL: Slimy. But the room only costs 1 dollar a day.
BOY: I rented a blinding sunlight for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go running.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Angelina Jolie I'd go skating with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Scaly Dance at the Hotel Boarding Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a slobbery dress and your stiletto pumps. I am going to wear my monkeys.
Jean Knee said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Jean Knee.
BOY: Hi. My name is Rene Russo. I came here with my mother and father and my little crusty boil.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl panty twisting lynch pin. We are staying at the Drew Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great carotid artery there. How is the food?
GIRL: Hawt. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a drippy, leaking bladder for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go laughing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Michelle Kwan I'd go scootching with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Death Defying Dance at the Hotel Enbalming Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a sugar teak sucking dress and your Mary Janes. I am going to wear my Mad Libs.
Rachael said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Betty Spaghetti.
BOY: Hi. My name is Matt Damon. I came here with my mother and father and my little cactus.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl nasty old gym shoe. We are staying at the Eddie Spaghetti Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great Cincinnati, Ohio there. How is the food?
GIRL: Gangly. But the room only costs 14 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a cheap wedding ring for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go oozing.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Anne Hathaway I'd go snoozing with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is an Jail Striped Dance at the Hotel Slooping Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a gritty dress and your stiletto heels. I am going to wear my ripe bananas.
Dalene said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Penelope.
BOY: Hi. My name is Brad Pitt. I came here with my mother and father and my little clam digger.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl drumstick. We are staying at the Peter Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great rust-bucket there. How is the food?
GIRL: Pent-up. But the room only costs 152 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a limp bandana for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go sleeping.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Madonna I'd go waving with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Perpendicular Dance at the Hotel Matriculating Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear an unparalled dress and your Birkenstocks. I am going to wear my bastions of society.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Pool Rools
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this (noun) or soak in our (adjective) spa, you must follow these (adjective) rules.
1. No nude (verb ending in ING) allowed. Men must wear (adjective) shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing (plural nouns) or (adjective) bikinis.
2. No (plural noun) under the age of (number) are allowed in the (noun) unless accompanied by a (noun).
3. (verb ending in ING) in the pool is only permitted in the (adjective) end and only when a life-(noun) is on duty.
4. People with (adjective) hair must wear bathing (plural noun).
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, (adverb) cover your arms, legs, and (part of the body) with a (adjective) lotion. You don't want to get a (noun) burn!
Have a (adjective) day!
Physcokity said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this blue cheese dressing or soak in our colder-than-your-mom-on-a-bad-day spa, you must follow these sassy rules.
1. No nude dazzling allowed. Men must wear more-flies-than-a-pile-of-horse-manure shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing sticks of butter or fifty-something bikinis.
2. No rubber duckies under the age of 50...million are allowed in the sexy lingerie unless accompanied by a lighthouse.
3. Zinging in the pool is only permitted in the Fergalicious end and only when a life-lei is on duty.
4. People with heavy hair must wear bathing beefcakes from Hades.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, exactly cover your arms, legs, and hairy armpit with a snot-nosed lotion. You don't want to get a snowball burn!
Have a hairier than a dang saskwatch day!
Tori said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this cat whisker or soak in our half-naked spa, you must follow these cottage cheesy rules.
1. No nude buzzing allowed. Men must wear pus-filled shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing houses or crispy bikinis.
2. No camels under the age of 121,464 are allowed in the race car unless accompanied by a cereal bowl.
3. Cleaning in the pool is only permitted in the checkered end and only when a life-eyebrow comb is on duty.
4. People with see-thru hair must wear bathing teeth.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, half-heartedly cover your arms, legs, and nostril with a rancid lotion. You don't want to get a bra strap burn!
Have a sticky day!
Elasticwaistband Lady said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this Anti-Monkey Butt Powder or soak in our obscenely obscene spa, you must follow these saggy rules.
1. No nude prancing allowed. Men must wear soggy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing olive pits named Brad Pitt or androgynous bikinis.
2. No dust bunny mafias under the age of 888 are allowed in the Beetlejuice sandwich unless accompanied by crustified undies.
3. Romancing in the pool is only permitted in the stupider-than-a-flock-of-low-IQ-sheep end and only when a life-Big Bill's blue ball is on duty.
4. People with perverted hair must wear dandruff-filled snowglobes.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, know-it-all-ingly cover your arms, legs, and fibber fibbin fibula with a sharty lotion. You don't want to get a giant potato eye with a monacle-burn!
Have a milquetoast day!
Suzanne said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this North or soak in our red spa, you must follow these orange rules.
1. No nude belching allowed. Men must wear yellow shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing cheeses or green bikinis.
2. No armpits under the age of 62 are allowed in the East unless accompanied by a South.
3. Farting in the pool is only permitted in the blue end and only when a life-West is on duty.
4. People with purple hair must wear bathing watermelons.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, willingly cover your arms, legs, and belly button with a brown lotion. You don't want to get an underground-burn!
Have a black day!
Jean Knee said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this mayonnaise jar or soak in our big spa, you must follow these little rules.
1. No nude pus-gushing allowed. Men must wear squishy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing owls or receding bikinis.
2. No basement windows under the age of 4 are allowed in the birdhouse unless accompanied by a melted candle stuck in ear.
3. Hip hopping in the pool is only permitted in the stiff, little end and only when a life-Hello Kitty is on duty.
4. People with bad-ashed hair must wear bathing lilting sailors.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, wildly cover your arms, legs, and uvula with a slimy lotion. You don't want to get an corn cob-burn!
Have a soft day!
Thorny Tree Lady said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this fizzled-out computer speaker or soak in our apathetic spa, you must follow these underestimated rules.
1. No nude sacrificing allowed. Men must wear well-done shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing feather pillows or whiny bikinis.
2. No telemarketers under the age of 815 are allowed in the stale diet coke unless accompanied by a peanut butter granola bar.
3. Placating in the pool is only permitted in the tired end and only when a life-Dora swimming suit is on duty.
4. People with hungry hair must wear bathing Trekkies.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, noisily cover your arms, legs, and uvula with an accentuated lotion. You don't want to get an dull sewing scissors-burn!
Have a morose day!
Rachael said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this Carl's Jr. or soak in our slippery spa, you must follow these puke green rules.
1. No nude sideways-walking allowed. Men must wear sloppy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing rat tails or gangrene-infected bikinis.
2. No crying whining kids under the age of 2 are allowed in the blue-eyed baby unless accompanied by a kitchen sink.
3. Climbing in the pool is only permitted in the rat infested end and only when a life-ingrown hair is on duty.
4. People with crusty hair must wear bathing screen-pinched fingers.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, quickly cover your arms, legs, and excessively tattooed arm with a 6" tall lotion. You don't want to get a funky-smelling toenail burn!
Have a hairy day!
Klin said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this long freakin' drive or soak in our "I can't move another muscle" tired spa, you must follow these chipped and broken rules.
1. No nude finally we begin moving allowed. Men must wear stacked four high and unstable shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing tired and worn out kids or slower than molasses wire transfers bikinis.
2. No sad about no internets parents under the age of 1279 are allowed in the freshly tarred road unless accompanied by a super toasty toad.
3. Soon to be sleeping in the pool is only permitted in the spooky and ooky end and only when a life-barren rooms of old house is on duty.
4. People with mysteriously kosher hair must wear bathing freaked out about moving pets.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, woosily cover your arms, legs, and middle knuckle on the left ring finger with a soaked with sweat lotion. You don't want to get a mega large moving truck-burn!
Have a brand-spankin' new day!
Natalie said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this bra-snapping teenager or soak in our grungy scrunchie-sporting spa, you must follow these scary and partially digested rules.
1. No nude waddling allowed. Men must wear likes-to-point-out-armpit-hair shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing snot bubbles or "not a cold sore"-having bikinis.
2. No raunchified toothbrushes under the age of 238471 are allowed in the sucky deaf people movie unless accompanied by a glass jar of wet cigarette butts.
3. Pantsing in the pool is only permitted in the Iocane powder-poisoned end and only when a life-bulging Dizzy Gillespie cheek is on duty.
4. People with camo undies-wearing hair must wear bathing blue-flamers.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, emergency-potty-goingly cover your arms, legs, and epididymus with a brown and crunchy lotion. You don't want to get a kitten pot pie-burn!
Have a drop-kicked across the room day!
If you want to swim in this (noun) or soak in our (adjective) spa, you must follow these (adjective) rules.
1. No nude (verb ending in ING) allowed. Men must wear (adjective) shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing (plural nouns) or (adjective) bikinis.
2. No (plural noun) under the age of (number) are allowed in the (noun) unless accompanied by a (noun).
3. (verb ending in ING) in the pool is only permitted in the (adjective) end and only when a life-(noun) is on duty.
4. People with (adjective) hair must wear bathing (plural noun).
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, (adverb) cover your arms, legs, and (part of the body) with a (adjective) lotion. You don't want to get a (noun) burn!
Have a (adjective) day!
Physcokity said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this blue cheese dressing or soak in our colder-than-your-mom-on-a-bad-day spa, you must follow these sassy rules.
1. No nude dazzling allowed. Men must wear more-flies-than-a-pile-of-horse-manure shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing sticks of butter or fifty-something bikinis.
2. No rubber duckies under the age of 50...million are allowed in the sexy lingerie unless accompanied by a lighthouse.
3. Zinging in the pool is only permitted in the Fergalicious end and only when a life-lei is on duty.
4. People with heavy hair must wear bathing beefcakes from Hades.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, exactly cover your arms, legs, and hairy armpit with a snot-nosed lotion. You don't want to get a snowball burn!
Have a hairier than a dang saskwatch day!
Tori said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this cat whisker or soak in our half-naked spa, you must follow these cottage cheesy rules.
1. No nude buzzing allowed. Men must wear pus-filled shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing houses or crispy bikinis.
2. No camels under the age of 121,464 are allowed in the race car unless accompanied by a cereal bowl.
3. Cleaning in the pool is only permitted in the checkered end and only when a life-eyebrow comb is on duty.
4. People with see-thru hair must wear bathing teeth.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, half-heartedly cover your arms, legs, and nostril with a rancid lotion. You don't want to get a bra strap burn!
Have a sticky day!
Elasticwaistband Lady said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this Anti-Monkey Butt Powder or soak in our obscenely obscene spa, you must follow these saggy rules.
1. No nude prancing allowed. Men must wear soggy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing olive pits named Brad Pitt or androgynous bikinis.
2. No dust bunny mafias under the age of 888 are allowed in the Beetlejuice sandwich unless accompanied by crustified undies.
3. Romancing in the pool is only permitted in the stupider-than-a-flock-of-low-IQ-sheep end and only when a life-Big Bill's blue ball is on duty.
4. People with perverted hair must wear dandruff-filled snowglobes.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, know-it-all-ingly cover your arms, legs, and fibber fibbin fibula with a sharty lotion. You don't want to get a giant potato eye with a monacle-burn!
Have a milquetoast day!
Suzanne said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this North or soak in our red spa, you must follow these orange rules.
1. No nude belching allowed. Men must wear yellow shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing cheeses or green bikinis.
2. No armpits under the age of 62 are allowed in the East unless accompanied by a South.
3. Farting in the pool is only permitted in the blue end and only when a life-West is on duty.
4. People with purple hair must wear bathing watermelons.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, willingly cover your arms, legs, and belly button with a brown lotion. You don't want to get an underground-burn!
Have a black day!
Jean Knee said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this mayonnaise jar or soak in our big spa, you must follow these little rules.
1. No nude pus-gushing allowed. Men must wear squishy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing owls or receding bikinis.
2. No basement windows under the age of 4 are allowed in the birdhouse unless accompanied by a melted candle stuck in ear.
3. Hip hopping in the pool is only permitted in the stiff, little end and only when a life-Hello Kitty is on duty.
4. People with bad-ashed hair must wear bathing lilting sailors.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, wildly cover your arms, legs, and uvula with a slimy lotion. You don't want to get an corn cob-burn!
Have a soft day!
Thorny Tree Lady said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this fizzled-out computer speaker or soak in our apathetic spa, you must follow these underestimated rules.
1. No nude sacrificing allowed. Men must wear well-done shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing feather pillows or whiny bikinis.
2. No telemarketers under the age of 815 are allowed in the stale diet coke unless accompanied by a peanut butter granola bar.
3. Placating in the pool is only permitted in the tired end and only when a life-Dora swimming suit is on duty.
4. People with hungry hair must wear bathing Trekkies.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, noisily cover your arms, legs, and uvula with an accentuated lotion. You don't want to get an dull sewing scissors-burn!
Have a morose day!
Rachael said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this Carl's Jr. or soak in our slippery spa, you must follow these puke green rules.
1. No nude sideways-walking allowed. Men must wear sloppy shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing rat tails or gangrene-infected bikinis.
2. No crying whining kids under the age of 2 are allowed in the blue-eyed baby unless accompanied by a kitchen sink.
3. Climbing in the pool is only permitted in the rat infested end and only when a life-ingrown hair is on duty.
4. People with crusty hair must wear bathing screen-pinched fingers.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, quickly cover your arms, legs, and excessively tattooed arm with a 6" tall lotion. You don't want to get a funky-smelling toenail burn!
Have a hairy day!
Klin said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this long freakin' drive or soak in our "I can't move another muscle" tired spa, you must follow these chipped and broken rules.
1. No nude finally we begin moving allowed. Men must wear stacked four high and unstable shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing tired and worn out kids or slower than molasses wire transfers bikinis.
2. No sad about no internets parents under the age of 1279 are allowed in the freshly tarred road unless accompanied by a super toasty toad.
3. Soon to be sleeping in the pool is only permitted in the spooky and ooky end and only when a life-barren rooms of old house is on duty.
4. People with mysteriously kosher hair must wear bathing freaked out about moving pets.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, woosily cover your arms, legs, and middle knuckle on the left ring finger with a soaked with sweat lotion. You don't want to get a mega large moving truck-burn!
Have a brand-spankin' new day!
Natalie said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this bra-snapping teenager or soak in our grungy scrunchie-sporting spa, you must follow these scary and partially digested rules.
1. No nude waddling allowed. Men must wear likes-to-point-out-armpit-hair shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing snot bubbles or "not a cold sore"-having bikinis.
2. No raunchified toothbrushes under the age of 238471 are allowed in the sucky deaf people movie unless accompanied by a glass jar of wet cigarette butts.
3. Pantsing in the pool is only permitted in the Iocane powder-poisoned end and only when a life-bulging Dizzy Gillespie cheek is on duty.
4. People with camo undies-wearing hair must wear bathing blue-flamers.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, emergency-potty-goingly cover your arms, legs, and epididymus with a brown and crunchy lotion. You don't want to get a kitten pot pie-burn!
Have a drop-kicked across the room day!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Bringing Home the Good... Or Is It Bad? ... News
Dear Parent,
Here is (person in room)'s report card for the (adjective) eighth grade. He/she has received a/an (letter) in English, a/an (letter) in Mathematics, and an A in Social (plural noun). Unfortunately, we could not give a passing (noun) in (noun) Education because his/her broken (body part) prevented the taking of the final (noun). This (adjective) class can be made up in our summer (noun). The school believes a "parent-(noun)" conference is necessary to discuss (same person in room)'s (adjective) behavior. He/She continues to draw (adjective) pictures on the bathroom (noun) and talks (adverb) behind the teacher's (body part). Please call the principal's (noun) for a/an (adjective) appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr./Ms. (another person in room)
Head (occupation)
Dalene said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Alan's report card for the perturbed eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Neuroses. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing hotbed in Flatbed Education because his broken clavicle prevented the taking of the final flatbread. This incubated class can be made up in our summer compost. The school believes a "parent-joint compound" conference is necessary to discuss Alan's overdone behavior. He continues to draw annoyingly displayed pictures on the bathroom Dutch oven and talks adoringly behind the teacher's pinkie toe. Please call the principal's dust bunny for a preposterous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Annie
Head Parade Pooper-Scooper
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Kate Austin's report card for the salty eighth grade. She has received an S in English, an M in Mathematics, and an A in Social Ineffective Optical Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing phalange in Python Education because her broken uvula prevented the taking of the final jasmine flower. This black class can be made up in our summer scratchy bra that doesn't fit right. The school believes a "parent-photo printer" conference is necessary to discuss Kate's inebriated behavior. She continues to draw labeled pictures on the bathroom Austin Powers impersonator and talks amazingly behind the teacher's hangnail. Please call the principal's David Hasselhoff for an underwhelmed appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Jack Shepheard
Head Porta-Potty Cleaner
Klin said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Chappell's report card for the smelly moldy laundry eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, a W in Mathematics, and an A in Social Driving Me Crazy Whining Girls. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing rolled up rug in Super Happy Husband Education because his broken smooth soft elbow prevented the taking of the final out of tune guitar. This comfy warm flannel class can be made up in our summer stuffed full storage shed. The school believes a "parent-lost and broken camera" conference is necessary to discuss Chappell's sinkful of dirty behavior. He continues to draw jam-packed full pictures on the bathroom his royal highness Sir Pounce-a-Lot and talks joyfully behind the teacher's big toe toenail. Please call the principal's very empty panty for a smells like a wet dog appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Nicole
Head Gynecologist
Suzanne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Bonnie's report card for the hot eighth grade. She has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Monkeys. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing Grumpy in Sleepy Education because her broken armpit prevented the taking of the final Bashful. This sticky class can be made up in our summer Doc. The school believes a "parent-Sneezy" conference is necessary to discuss Bonnie's smelly behavior. She continues to draw sweaty pictures on the bathroom Happy and talks gingerly behind the teacher's toenail. Please call the principal's Dopey for a humid appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Clyde
Head Garbage Man
Wynne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Siegfried's report card for the chunky eighth grade. He has received an M in English, an X in Mathematics, and an A in Social Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing football in Living Room Education because his broken belly button prevented the taking of the final mother. This dilapidated class can be made up in our summer gunnysack. The school believes a "parent-pit viper" conference is necessary to discuss Siegfried's glossy behavior. He continues to draw tangy pictures on the bathroom rock and talks gloopily behind the teacher's gall bladder. Please call the principal's police officer for a gelatinous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Roy
Head Bus Driver
I liked that they're teaching "Social Neuroses" in the eighth grade and the "parent-pit viper" conference.
Here is (person in room)'s report card for the (adjective) eighth grade. He/she has received a/an (letter) in English, a/an (letter) in Mathematics, and an A in Social (plural noun). Unfortunately, we could not give a passing (noun) in (noun) Education because his/her broken (body part) prevented the taking of the final (noun). This (adjective) class can be made up in our summer (noun). The school believes a "parent-(noun)" conference is necessary to discuss (same person in room)'s (adjective) behavior. He/She continues to draw (adjective) pictures on the bathroom (noun) and talks (adverb) behind the teacher's (body part). Please call the principal's (noun) for a/an (adjective) appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr./Ms. (another person in room)
Head (occupation)
Dalene said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Alan's report card for the perturbed eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Neuroses. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing hotbed in Flatbed Education because his broken clavicle prevented the taking of the final flatbread. This incubated class can be made up in our summer compost. The school believes a "parent-joint compound" conference is necessary to discuss Alan's overdone behavior. He continues to draw annoyingly displayed pictures on the bathroom Dutch oven and talks adoringly behind the teacher's pinkie toe. Please call the principal's dust bunny for a preposterous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Annie
Head Parade Pooper-Scooper
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Kate Austin's report card for the salty eighth grade. She has received an S in English, an M in Mathematics, and an A in Social Ineffective Optical Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing phalange in Python Education because her broken uvula prevented the taking of the final jasmine flower. This black class can be made up in our summer scratchy bra that doesn't fit right. The school believes a "parent-photo printer" conference is necessary to discuss Kate's inebriated behavior. She continues to draw labeled pictures on the bathroom Austin Powers impersonator and talks amazingly behind the teacher's hangnail. Please call the principal's David Hasselhoff for an underwhelmed appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Jack Shepheard
Head Porta-Potty Cleaner
Klin said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Chappell's report card for the smelly moldy laundry eighth grade. He has received a Q in English, a W in Mathematics, and an A in Social Driving Me Crazy Whining Girls. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing rolled up rug in Super Happy Husband Education because his broken smooth soft elbow prevented the taking of the final out of tune guitar. This comfy warm flannel class can be made up in our summer stuffed full storage shed. The school believes a "parent-lost and broken camera" conference is necessary to discuss Chappell's sinkful of dirty behavior. He continues to draw jam-packed full pictures on the bathroom his royal highness Sir Pounce-a-Lot and talks joyfully behind the teacher's big toe toenail. Please call the principal's very empty panty for a smells like a wet dog appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Nicole
Head Gynecologist
Suzanne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Bonnie's report card for the hot eighth grade. She has received a Q in English, an A in Mathematics, and an A in Social Monkeys. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing Grumpy in Sleepy Education because her broken armpit prevented the taking of the final Bashful. This sticky class can be made up in our summer Doc. The school believes a "parent-Sneezy" conference is necessary to discuss Bonnie's smelly behavior. She continues to draw sweaty pictures on the bathroom Happy and talks gingerly behind the teacher's toenail. Please call the principal's Dopey for a humid appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Clyde
Head Garbage Man
Wynne said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Siegfried's report card for the chunky eighth grade. He has received an M in English, an X in Mathematics, and an A in Social Mice. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing football in Living Room Education because his broken belly button prevented the taking of the final mother. This dilapidated class can be made up in our summer gunnysack. The school believes a "parent-pit viper" conference is necessary to discuss Siegfried's glossy behavior. He continues to draw tangy pictures on the bathroom rock and talks gloopily behind the teacher's gall bladder. Please call the principal's police officer for a gelatinous appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Roy
Head Bus Driver
I liked that they're teaching "Social Neuroses" in the eighth grade and the "parent-pit viper" conference.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Letter Received By the Father of a Marriageable Daughter
Dear (name of man in room),
I am in love with your (adjective) daughter (first name of woman in room) and I would like to ask for her (noun) in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect (noun). She is the only (noun) I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my (plural noun). At present I am employed as an assistant (noun) and I make a (adjective) salary of (number) dollars a week. I have a split-level (noun) picked out in (geographical location) that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her (adjective) and to be a (adjective) (noun).
Signed: (Name of man in room)
Mad Lib Monger said…
Dear Henry Hemorrhoid,
I am in love with your flatulent and embarrassed daughter Spoon-spanked Spigella and I would like to ask for her jingling vacuum bag in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect beer bottle sniffer. She is the only duck on a string I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my ten-pounders. At present I am employed as an assistant wide load and I make an eye crunch-sporting salary of 238492 dollars a week. I have a split-level crocheted bikini picked out in Rentown, USA that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her Elvis-impersonating and to be an alive for the next ten minutes gummy bear.
Signed: Fishpaste Frank
Suzanne said…
Dear John McCain,
I am in love with your wiley daughter Hilary and I would like to ask for her Delaware in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect Montana. She is the only Florida I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my hanging chads. At present I am employed as an assistant Washington and I make a charismatic salary of 62 dollars a week. I have a split-level Texas picked out in Washington, DC that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her vocal and to be a pushy Utah.
Signed: Barack Obama
Rachael said…
Dear John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith,
I am in love with your raunchy daughter Pam and I would like to ask for her 50-year-old tin can in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect “liquid” from the bottom of the trashcan. She is the only toenail clipping I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my leftover sloppy joes. At present I am employed as an assistant banana that has been mashed into the carpet and I make an encrusted salary of 7 meeellion dollars a week. I have a split-level booger picked out in The Small of Burt Reynold’s Back that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her green with purple polka dots and to be a checkered ingrown hair.
Signed: Bert
Thorny Tree Lady said…
Dear Hoarace McGillicutty,
I am in love with your quaint daughter Lavicka and I would like to ask for her recipe box in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect glitter. She is the only orange popsicle I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my jaters. At present I am employed as an assistant antique quilt and I make a magenta salary of 1,234 dollars a week. I have a split-level NoDoz tablet picked out in The Dark Side of the Moon that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her articulate and to be an allergy-ridden barfed-on bedsheet.
Signed: Ringo Starr
Coconut Kate said…
Dear Dana Carvey,
I am in love with your sticky daughter Gertrude and I would like to ask for her funnel in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect lawn. She is the only hat I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my envelopes. At present I am employed as an assistant pocket and I make a blue salary of 87 dollars a week. I have a split-level muskrat picked out on top of that hill yonder that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her slippery and to be a murky coconut bra.
Signed: Keanu Reeves
Compulsive Writer said…
Dear Jack Black,
I am in love with your plucky daughter Penelope and I would like to ask for her grubworm in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect twister. She is the only toe ring I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my nematodes. At present I am employed as an assistant flux capacitor and I make a pernicious salary of 2.567 dollars a week. I have a split-level wing-back chair picked out under a bed somewhere in midtown Manhattan that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her pedantic and to be an predatory brick wall.
Signed: Stephie Colbert
Klin said…
Dear Nicholas Cage,
I am in love with your sexy daughter Renae and I would like to ask for her lazy old horse in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect hyperactive and very talkative girl. She is the only whispering wind I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my musical wind chimes. At present I am employed as an assistant serene afternoon and I make an adorable salary of 187 dollars a week. I have a split-level sparkling firecracker picked out in Jolley’s Ranch that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her steamy and to be a luscious thunderous storm.
Signed: Clark Gable
O. Honey said…
Dear Jason Bateman,
I am in love with your unappetizing daughter Complete Dipwad and I would like to ask for her fishlips in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect newly hatched pterodactyl. She is the only swarm of locusts I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my Pretty Patties. At present I am employed as an assistant Dyno-bite and I make a laughs-like-a-dork salary of 238,473,592,341 dollars a week. I have a split-level insane Pee-Wee Herman fan picked out in a pineapple under the sea that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her sequinned and to be a crud-covered constant fanner.
Signed: Luka on ER
I am in love with your (adjective) daughter (first name of woman in room) and I would like to ask for her (noun) in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect (noun). She is the only (noun) I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my (plural noun). At present I am employed as an assistant (noun) and I make a (adjective) salary of (number) dollars a week. I have a split-level (noun) picked out in (geographical location) that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her (adjective) and to be a (adjective) (noun).
Signed: (Name of man in room)
Mad Lib Monger said…
Dear Henry Hemorrhoid,
I am in love with your flatulent and embarrassed daughter Spoon-spanked Spigella and I would like to ask for her jingling vacuum bag in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect beer bottle sniffer. She is the only duck on a string I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my ten-pounders. At present I am employed as an assistant wide load and I make an eye crunch-sporting salary of 238492 dollars a week. I have a split-level crocheted bikini picked out in Rentown, USA that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her Elvis-impersonating and to be an alive for the next ten minutes gummy bear.
Signed: Fishpaste Frank
Suzanne said…
Dear John McCain,
I am in love with your wiley daughter Hilary and I would like to ask for her Delaware in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect Montana. She is the only Florida I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my hanging chads. At present I am employed as an assistant Washington and I make a charismatic salary of 62 dollars a week. I have a split-level Texas picked out in Washington, DC that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her vocal and to be a pushy Utah.
Signed: Barack Obama
Rachael said…
Dear John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith,
I am in love with your raunchy daughter Pam and I would like to ask for her 50-year-old tin can in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect “liquid” from the bottom of the trashcan. She is the only toenail clipping I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my leftover sloppy joes. At present I am employed as an assistant banana that has been mashed into the carpet and I make an encrusted salary of 7 meeellion dollars a week. I have a split-level booger picked out in The Small of Burt Reynold’s Back that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her green with purple polka dots and to be a checkered ingrown hair.
Signed: Bert
Thorny Tree Lady said…
Dear Hoarace McGillicutty,
I am in love with your quaint daughter Lavicka and I would like to ask for her recipe box in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect glitter. She is the only orange popsicle I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my jaters. At present I am employed as an assistant antique quilt and I make a magenta salary of 1,234 dollars a week. I have a split-level NoDoz tablet picked out in The Dark Side of the Moon that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her articulate and to be an allergy-ridden barfed-on bedsheet.
Signed: Ringo Starr
Coconut Kate said…
Dear Dana Carvey,
I am in love with your sticky daughter Gertrude and I would like to ask for her funnel in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect lawn. She is the only hat I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my envelopes. At present I am employed as an assistant pocket and I make a blue salary of 87 dollars a week. I have a split-level muskrat picked out on top of that hill yonder that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her slippery and to be a murky coconut bra.
Signed: Keanu Reeves
Compulsive Writer said…
Dear Jack Black,
I am in love with your plucky daughter Penelope and I would like to ask for her grubworm in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect twister. She is the only toe ring I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my nematodes. At present I am employed as an assistant flux capacitor and I make a pernicious salary of 2.567 dollars a week. I have a split-level wing-back chair picked out under a bed somewhere in midtown Manhattan that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her pedantic and to be an predatory brick wall.
Signed: Stephie Colbert
Klin said…
Dear Nicholas Cage,
I am in love with your sexy daughter Renae and I would like to ask for her lazy old horse in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect hyperactive and very talkative girl. She is the only whispering wind I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my musical wind chimes. At present I am employed as an assistant serene afternoon and I make an adorable salary of 187 dollars a week. I have a split-level sparkling firecracker picked out in Jolley’s Ranch that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her steamy and to be a luscious thunderous storm.
Signed: Clark Gable
O. Honey said…
Dear Jason Bateman,
I am in love with your unappetizing daughter Complete Dipwad and I would like to ask for her fishlips in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect newly hatched pterodactyl. She is the only swarm of locusts I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my Pretty Patties. At present I am employed as an assistant Dyno-bite and I make a laughs-like-a-dork salary of 238,473,592,341 dollars a week. I have a split-level insane Pee-Wee Herman fan picked out in a pineapple under the sea that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her sequinned and to be a crud-covered constant fanner.
Signed: Luka on ER
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