New Year's Resolutions 2011

1. I, (name of person in room), will (verb) every day at the gym for at least (number) minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only (number) servings of (noun).
3. I will watch only (adjective) television shows.
4. I will tell (name of person in room) that I think he/she is a/an (adjective) (noun).
5. I will ask my boss for a/an (number)-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a/an (adjective) personality.
7. I will take my (noun) to (noun) at least once a month.
8. I will (verb) one book every (number) weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least (number) pounds.
10. I will return the (adjective) (plural noun) I borrowed from (person in room).
11. I will get on a (noun) and only spend (number) dollars a month.

Millie said...
1. I, April the Ape, will sulk every day at the gym for at least 23 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 1 serving of footsie player.
3. I will watch only Grinch-like television shows.
4. I will tell Fanny B. Tender that I think she is a kitty fur-sprouting, exuberantly kissy aunt.
5. I will ask my boss for a 7329-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a mumbling incoherently personality.
7. I will take my hissy fit to a complete and total mooch at least once a month.
8. I will whisper sweet nothings at one book every 8.4 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 12 pounds.
10. I will return the crowbar-wielding sports bras I borrowed from Nipsey Russell.
11. I will get on a toe hair and only spend 6 dollars a month.

Heffalump said...
1. I, Marty, will smack every day at the gym for at least 27 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 3 servings of treadmill.
3. I will watch only gravy-filled television shows.
4. I will tell Bartholomew that I think he is a particle-smashing nutcracker.
5. I will ask my boss for an 8295-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a theatrical personality.
7. I will take my wire whisk to Grandmother at least once a month.
8. I will stomp one book every 7.325 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 66 pounds.
10. I will return the graceful skydivers I borrowed from Petunia.
11. I will get on a fish bowl and only spend 13 dollars a month.

Merry Christmas!

Millie is taking a Christmas break this week. See you next Monday! Merry Christmas to all my wonderful Mad Libs friends!

Christmas Poem 2010

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the (noun)
Not a creature was stirring, not even a/an (noun).
The (plural noun) were tucked, all snug in their (plural noun),
While visions of (adjective) plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the (noun) there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my (noun) to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little (adjective) belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of (plural noun).
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the (plural noun), then turned with a jerk,
And laying his (noun) aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the (noun) he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he (verb, past tense) out of sight,
"(Adjective) Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Heffalump said...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the sled
Not a creature was stirring, not even hot cocoa.
The mittens were tucked, all snug in their snowballs,
While visions of tinsel-wearing plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the fireplace there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my igloo to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little sugar-induced belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of elves.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the ribbons, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his avalanche aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the ski patrol he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he licked out of sight,
"Stressed Out Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Millie said...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the dilapidated slop bowl
Not a creature was stirring, not even hot bunny buns on a stick.
The bathtub rings were tucked, all snug in their Birk stinks,
While visions of raunchy plums danced in their heads.
Then up on the pink rhinestone tiara there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my Elvis impersonator to see what was the matter.
It was St. Nicholas with his little instructions-eschewing belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of scissors.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the fern spores, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his two-headed snake aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the guy elected president because he's not George Bush, he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he throttled out of sight,
"Lichen-covered Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

My Most Embarrassing Moment

By (name of girl in room)
My most embarrassing moment happened when I got a/an (adjective) busy to go to (geographical location). The bus was very (adjective), so I stood up and held onto a/an (noun). At the next stop I saw a/an (noun) get up and I ran over to grab his (noun), but I accidentally jabbed my (noun) into his (noun) and broke his (plural noun). And then as I was apologizing, the bus came to a/an (adjective) stop, which caused me to drop my (noun) and fall on top of a/an (adjective) lady who was carrying a/an (noun) on her lap. Believe me, my (noun) was red that day!

Millie said...
By Fri'chickenisha
My most embarrassing moment happened when I got an amorous bus to go to Poodleville. The bus was very fritatta-loving, so I stood up and held onto a chocolate chip. At the next stop I saw a Sim named Anita get up and I ran over to grab her boat launch, but I accidentally jabbed my never-makes-bedder into her chinchilla hair and broke her car door accidents. And then as I was apologizing, the bus came to an intent-on-courtship stop, which caused me to drop my pie and fall on top of a stupefied lady who was carrying a can of tomato soup on her lap. Believe me, my worm sign was red that day!

Heffalump said...
By Gerta
My most embarrassing moment happened when I got a battery operated bus to go to the highest mountain in Greenland. The bus was very test driven, so I stood up and held onto an ugly sweater. At the next stop I saw a woolly mammoth get up and I ran over to grab his tooth fairy reject, but I accidentally jabbed my carousel into his pink lemonade and broke his mittens made by grandmothers. And then as I was apologizing, the bus came to an approved by spelunkers stop, which caused me to drop my twine and fall on top of a finely minced lady who was carrying a bazooka on her lap. Believe me, my cardboard cutout of Darth Vader was red that day!

Superstitions

Although we believe ourselves to be (adverb) civilized, most of us are really (plural noun) at heart because we still believe in (adjective) superstitions that began while man still lived in (plural noun). Some of these superstitions are:
1. If you spill salt, throw some over your left (part of body).
2. If a black (animal) runs in front of you, you are in trouble.
3. If you break a/an (noun) , you will have (number) years of (adjective) luck.
4. Never (verb) under a ladder.
5. If your (part of body) itches, it means you will have a visitor.
6. If you hear a/an (animal) howl at midnight, someone in your family will end up in (geographical location).
7. If you want to keep vampires away, always wear a/an (something to eat) on a string around your (part of body).

Millie said...
Although we believe ourselves to be hand-wringingly civilized, most of us are really velvet slippers at heart because we still believe in jumper-wearing superstitions that began while man still lived in parsley flakes. Some of these superstitions are:
1. If you spill salt, throw some over your left knuckle dimple.
2. If a black raccoon runs in front of you, you are in trouble.
3. If you break a flagellum, you will have 237 years of positively charged luck.
4. Never leak under a ladder.
5. If your tootsie itches, it means you will have a visitor.
6. If you hear an emu howl at midnight, someone in your family will end up in Big Al's.
7. If you want to keep vampires away, always wear chocolate-covered potato chips on a string around your mouth.

Heffalump said...
Although we believe ourselves to be side-splittingly civilized, most of us are really bandanas at heart because we still believe in friendly superstitions that began while man still lived in tweezers. Some of these superstitions are:
1. If you spill salt, throw some over your left foot.
2. If a black sheep runs in front of you, you are in trouble.
3. If you break a daisy, you will have 5 years of funny luck.
4. Never laugh under a ladder.
5. If your recently pinched cheek itches, it means you will have a visitor.
6. If you hear a turkey howl at midnight, someone in your family will end up in Vancouver, WA.
7. If you want to keep vampires away, always wear a mini babybel cheese on a string around your smile.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Millie is taking a Thanksgiving break this week. Happy Thanksgiving to all my wonderful Mad Libs friends! See you next Monday!

Proverbs

Too many (plural noun) spoil the (a liquid).
People who live in (adjective) houses shouldn’t throw (plural noun).
The shortest distance between two (plural noun) is a straight (noun).
Love of (plural noun) is the root of all evil.
A/An (adjective) stone gathers no moss.
A/an (noun) a day keeps the (noun) away.
He who (verb ending in S) last (verb ending in S) best.
A/An (noun) in time saves (number).
You can’t keep a/an (adjective) man down.
You can’t teach a/an (adjective) (noun) new tricks.
Life is (adjective), life is (adjective), and the (noun) is not the goal.
The way to a man’s (noun) is through his (noun).

Klin said...
Too many dirty dishes spoil the dish soap.
People who live in orange houses shouldn’t throw magazines.
The shortest distance between two dance recital invitations is a straight game of Life.
Love of loads of clean dishes is the root of all evil.
A brown stone gathers no moss.
A new baby puppy a day keeps the fresh paint away.
He who sings last burps best.
A giggling girl in time saves 47.
You can’t keep a turkey-like man down.
You can’t teach a silly hot tub new tricks.
Life is festive, life is eavesdropping, and the updated family picture is not the goal.
The way to a man’s bubble butt is through his clean carpet.

Heffalump said...
Too many centipedes spoil the baby spit up.
People who live in delicious houses shouldn’t throw conveyor belts.
The shortest distance between two freeze dried figs is a straight apple crisp.
Love of pistachios is the root of all evil.
An awe-inspiring stone gathers no moss.
A debonair valet a day keeps the ascot away.
He who sends last admonishes best.
A crimping iron in time saves 7.128.
You can’t keep a verklempt man down.
You can’t teach a theoretical satellite new tricks.
Life is belly aching, life is blotchy, and the personal training is not the goal.
The way to a man’s trampoline is through his flea collar.

Millie said...
Too many technical difficulties spoil the calf slobber.
People who live in Czechoslovakian houses shouldn’t throw cranky old geezers.
The shortest distance between two French artists named Valerie is a straight tooth gap.
Love of half-smoked cigars is the root of all evil.
A crunchified stone gathers no moss.
A Frasier fan a day keeps the purple nurple away.
He who squats last defenestrates best.
A misunderstood Neighborhood Tough in time saves 23.
You can’t keep an oiled up and ready to wrestle man down.
You can’t teach an extreme scalp itch new tricks.
Life is slapped incoherent, life is sipped slowly, and the day spent playing hookie is not the goal.
The way to a man’s English muffin is through his leg cramp.

Proper Care of the Scalp

Don’t neglect your scalp! Even though you don’t know it, your scalp may be (adjective). This can cause your hair to turn (adjective) and (adjective). A/an (adjective) scalp is due to overactivity of the (noun) gland and to excessive production of the (plural noun) normally present in the skin. For a healthy scalp, wash your head (adverb) every night in (adjective) water and then take a hot (noun) shampoo. Then massage your (noun) for five minutes with a sharp (noun). If you suffer from (adjective) hair, soak your (noun) regularly in a/an (noun) of vinegar. Good luck!

Millie said...
Don’t neglect your scalp! Even though you don’t know it, your scalp may be ecstatic about new Santa dish towels. This can cause your hair to turn excuse-making and ready for slapping. An undecided scalp is due to overactivity of the pompous windbag gland and to excessive production of the drool buckets normally present in the skin. For a healthy scalp, wash your head cantankerously every night in cookie-horfing water and then take a hot preacher on a Portland corner shampoo. Then massage your crunchy leaf for five minutes with a sharp cavity creep. If you suffer from angelic on Sundays hair, soak your labor pain regularly in a tooth socket of vinegar. Good luck!

Heffalump said...
Don’t neglect your scalp! Even though you don’t know it, your scalp may be beaded. This can cause your hair to turn iguana-like and sun worshiping. A burnished scalp is due to overactivity of the spelunker gland and to excessive production of the M&Ms normally present in the skin. For a healthy scalp, wash your head sparingly every night in pencil-necked water and then take a hot 55-gallon drum of soy sauce shampoo. Then massage your UFO for five minutes with a sharp Peanut Butter Crunch. If you suffer from leotard-sporting hair, soak your chainsaw ice sculpture regularly in a billboard of vinegar. Good luck!

The High School Monster

Happy Halloween!

NARRATOR: Our scene is in a/an (adjective) high school in (name of town). The students are (adjective) with fear. Listen as our heroine, (girl in room), speaks to (boy in room).
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young (plural noun) and boiled the (noun) teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, (pet name). I think the monster is really just a (noun).
GIRL: But (a person) saw it. It has (a number) arms and long (adjective) hair and (a color) teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like (someone in room).
GIRL: When I go out I walk very (adverb).
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the (adjective) bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look (adjective)? Get some other (noun).

Millie said...
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a hysterically shrieking high school in Happy Valley. The students are pillow-fluffing with fear. Listen as our heroine, Maude, speaks to Spanky.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young footsie-players and boiled the African violet teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, Wanton Slut. I think the monster is really just a sacred pair of Fiskars.
GIRL: But Teddy Piggywink saw it. It has 38 arms and long, high on s'mores hair and puke orange teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like the Naughty Sensei.
GIRL: When I go out I walk very toe-curlingly.
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the look-away ugly bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look flannel-sheeted? Get some other crazy cat lady.

Klin said...
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a nutty high school in Midway. The students are frigid with fear. Listen as our heroine, Mrs. Monkeybutt, speaks to Sir Pounce a Lot.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young Calvin & Hobbes books and boiled the pumpkin bread teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, Sugar Lips. I think the monster is really just Jolly Old St Nicholas.
GIRL: But Mel Gibson saw it. It has 45 arms and long creamy hair and orange teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like Monkey Wrench.
GIRL: When I go out I walk very disgustingly.
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the comfortable bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look crazy? Get some other stuffed turkey.

Heffalump said... (sorry heff, I had a crazy week)
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a side-splitting high school in Idiotville. The students are hair-pulling with fear. Listen as our heroine, Joanie, speaks to Chachi.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young motorcycles and boiled the headcheese teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, love muffin. I think the monster is really just Almond Roca.
GIRL: But The Fonz saw it. It has 2.7 arms and long pencil-necked hair and black teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like Pinky Tuscadero.
GIRL: When I go out I walk very casually.
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the tawdry bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look petulant? Get some other big red barn.

Political Speech

Ladies and gentlemen, on this (adjective) occasion it is a privilege to address such a/an (adjective)-looking group of (plural noun). I can tell from your smiling (plural noun) that you will support my (adjective) program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a/an (noun) in every (noun) and two (plural noun) in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. (name of person in room). This man is nothing but a/an (adjective) (noun). He has a/an (adjective) character and is working (noun) in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the (plural noun) off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their (plural noun) in the public till. I promise you (adjective) government, (adjective) taxes, and (adjective) schools.

Millie said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this intent-on-mayhem occasion it is a privilege to address such a buff but stupid-looking group of IKEA line-cutters. I can tell from your smiling dental appointments that you will support my grandma-scented program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a loose tooth in every cheese puff and two dipwads in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Myrthilda. This man is nothing but a fish-eye-giving, angry raccoon. He has a feather-covered character and is working errant hangnail in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the Ben Stiller movies off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their kitty whiskers in the public till. I promise you cranky at everything government, reluctant taxes, and anxious schools.

Heffalump said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this law-abiding occasion it is a privilege to address such a claim-jumping-looking group of raging hippos. I can tell from your smiling spelunkers that you will support my moldy program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a licorice whip in every goat cheese and two stale french fries in every garage.

I want to warn you against my opponent, Mr. Spongebob. This man is nothing but a magenta Karate Master. He has a glittery character and is working jumbo prawn in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the doll houses off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their tuna sandwiches in the public till. I promise you spider-webbed government, hefty taxes, and springy schools.

Police Call

Calling all cars… calling all cars! Be on the lookout for (name of man in room). He is wearing a/an (adjective) suit, a gray (noun), and carrying an old brown (noun). He was last seen in the vicinity of (a place) waving a loaded (noun). He is charged with holding up a candy store and running off with the owner’s (noun). He is also accused of stealing a 1955 (noun) and a/an (adjective) (noun). It is advisable to approach this man with (adjective) caution as he has been known to carry a loaded (a weapon). He uses the alias “Henry the (noun)" and has been known to disguise himself as a/an (noun). Watch out for this (adjective) criminal. That is all.

Klin said...
Calling all cars… calling all cars! Be on the lookout for Griselda Broomhandle. She is wearing a flowered suit, a gray non-functioning fridge, and carrying an old brown burning candle. She was last seen in the vicinity of a bed and breakfast suite waving a loaded shiny car. She is charged with holding up a candy store and running off with the owner’s spiffy tux. She is also accused of stealing a 1955 no ice-ice maker and lighted fast food. It is advisable to approach this woman with later than heck caution as she has been known to carry a loaded minute gun. She uses the alias “Henry the Fishy Smell" and has been known to disguise herself as a PB&J. Watch out for this broken criminal. That is all.

Millie said...
Calling all cars… calling all cars! Be on the lookout for Oliver Clothesoff. He is wearing a hip-swaying suit, a gray ugly pair of pants, and carrying an old brown vampire slayer. He was last seen in the vicinity of Dresden waving a loaded Gatorade bottle. He is charged with holding up a candy store and running off with the owner’s half-chewed pig ear. He is also accused of stealing a 1955 squatter and a vernix-coated harmonica player. It is advisable to approach this man with cantankerous caution as he has been known to carry a loaded abusive boyfriend. He uses the alias “Henry the Anxious Old Lady Passenger" and has been known to disguise himself as a wipeout. Watch out for this slippy criminal. That is all.

Heffalump said...
Calling all cars… calling all cars! Be on the lookout for Pedro. He is wearing a swoon-worthy suit, a gray land of milk and honey, and carrying an old brown pea pod. He was last seen in the vicinity of the Circle K waving a loaded alien abductee. He is charged with holding up a candy store and running off with the owner’s bowl of soggy cereal. He is also accused of stealing a 1955 yippy dog and a myopic old spice. It is advisable to approach this man with hygienically correct caution as he has been known to carry loaded nunchuks. He uses the alias “Henry the Pediatric Nurse" and has been known to disguise himself as a tortured artist. Watch out for this metaphoric criminal. That is all.

Description of a Horror TV Show

Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me (an animal) pimples! It starred (a person) as a mad (an occupation) who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by (a person), who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a/an (noun). So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up (a place). The army tries to stop them by spraying them with (a liquid) but that doesn't bother those (adjective) bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom (noun) on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the (adjective) scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a/an (noun) for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful (noun), who is played by (a person), and they live (adverb) ever after.

Millie said...
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me kiwi pimples! It starred Frank N. Furter as a mad chimney sweep who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by Sitch U. Ation, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a paste-eater. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up Xanadu. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with Kool-Aid but that doesn't bother those perplexed by Riverdance bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom fossilized booger on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the chocolate-dipped scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a battle axe for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful disapproving glance, who is played by Daisy Jane, and they live prancingly ever after.

Heffalump said...
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me albino ape pimples! It starred Larry as a mad veterinary dentist who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by Curly, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with hot apple cider. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up Farmer Bill's Corn Maze. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with squid ink but that doesn't bother those squishy bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom donut hole on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the filled to bloating scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a Pygmie bunny for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful Ewok, who is played by Moe, and they live flatulently ever after.

Gina said... (Welcome!)
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me elephant pimples! It starred Madonna as a mad teacher who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by Matthew McConaughey, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a dumbbell. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up Disneyland. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with milk but that doesn't bother those freakin’ bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom purse on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the goofy scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a satellite for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful mouse, who is played by Michael Jackson and they live controversially ever after.

My Dream Girl

The girl of my dreams has (adjective) blonde hair scented like (plural noun). Her eyes are like two (adjective) pools of (liquid). And her lips remind me of (adjective) (plural noun). Her skin is as smooth and lovely as a/an (adjective) (noun), and she has a figure like (name of person in room). When she enters a room, people always stare at her and say, “(Exclamation)! What a/an (adjective) woman!” Her sense of humor is always (adjective), and people marvel at her (adjective) vocabulary. In my dreams I see her wearing a/an (adjective) dress and a diamond (noun) in her hair. I would gladly give up all my (plural noun) for one evening with this (adjective) female. Her name is (name of person in room).

Millie said...
The girl of my dreams has stuffed with olives blonde hair scented like toes. Her eyes are like two yellowing pools of mango juice. And her lips remind me of spasmodic obscene T-shirts. Her skin is as smooth and lovely as a drippy with unknown ooze loud bang, and she has a figure like Midge. When she enters a room, people always stare at her and say, “Mercy me! What a purple-flowered woman!” Her sense of humor is always wistful, and people marvel at her angelic vocabulary. In my dreams I see her wearing a drooling with anticipation dress and a diamond pencil nub in her hair. I would gladly give up all my masquerade balls for one evening with this ketchup-smeared female. Her name is Maude.

Horoscope

Those born under the planetary sign of the (noun) possess (adjective) personalities and are forever searching for new (plural noun) to conquer. This is a more or less (adjective) month for you because the planet (silly word) is directly over your (noun) and Mercury is influencing your (plural noun). This means you should avoid eating (plural noun) and stay away from anybody with (adjective) (plural noun). During the coming year you will find conditions getting (adjective) due to your (adjective) outlook on life and your (adjective) attitude toward (plural noun). You are best suited to a/an (adjective) mate with (adjective) (plural noun) and a/an (adjective) complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really (adjective) life.

Heffalump said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the cemetery possess spider-webbed personalities and are forever searching for new caskets to conquer. This is a more or less creaky month for you because the planet Sproingy is directly over your dousing rod and Mercury is influencing your mourners. This means you should avoid eating gravediggers and stay away from anybody with dust-covered skeletons. During the coming year you will find conditions getting ancient due to your mildewed outlook on life and your rotting attitude toward ghosts. You are best suited to a marbled mate with stale headstones and a dark complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really damp life.

Millie said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the projectile vomit possess petulant personalities and are forever searching for new chewy granola bars to conquer. This is a more or less jews harp-playing month for you because the planet Yark is directly over your birdwatcher (or so he says) and Mercury is influencing your hummingbirds. This means you should avoid eating lip muscle flexors and stay away from anybody with distant, angry elves. During the coming year you will find conditions getting only open on Tuesdays due to your chubberific outlook on life and your babbling incoherently attitude toward innocent bystanders. You are best suited to a pantyhose-mask-wearing mate with hovering, freakish Disney stars and a won't-apply-itself complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really squealing life.

Club Meeting

It’s a pleasure to see so many (adjective) members of our (noun) Club here this evening. I would like to thank (name of host or hostess) for allowing us to meet here in this (adjective) home. At our last meeting, you will remember, (name of woman in room) spoke to us about her experiences among the (plural noun) of Central Mexico. This evening (name of man in room) has promised to play a few selections on his (noun). And (a celebrity) will show us how he converted an old (noun) into a beautiful (noun). Later, (name of woman in room) will show us her new (noun) and tell us where we can get the materials to make one. Afterwards we will retire to the (adjective) (noun) for some (adjective) refreshments.

Millie said...
It’s a pleasure to see so many distracted-by-dust-motes members of our Annoying Soup Slurp Club here this evening. I would like to thank the Commander for allowing us to meet here in this ingenious home. At our last meeting, you will remember, Madge spoke to us about her experiences among the rancid pork chops of Central Mexico. This evening Angry Elf has promised to play a few selections on his runaway hog. And Craig Slist will show us how he converted an old cookie-crammer into a beautiful pew. Later, Consuelo will show us her new fishnet stocking and tell us where we can get the materials to make one. Afterwards we will retire to the threaded-through-belt-loops special brownie for some carrot-eating refreshments.

Heffalump said...
It’s a pleasure to see so many perspiring members of our Roulette Wheel Club here this evening. I would like to thank Mildred for allowing us to meet here in this conspiring home. At our last meeting, you will remember, Veronica spoke to us about her experiences among the Korean glass noodles of Central Mexico. This evening Clyde has promised to play a few selections on his beachfront property. And Jillian from the Biggest Loser will show us how she converted an old ballistic missile into a beautiful army engineer. Later, Patsy will show us her new spanking machine and tell us where we can get the materials to make one. Afterwards we will retire to the retiring peach cobbler for some inflexible refreshments.

School Days

In honor of school starting this week...

Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any (plural noun) to do our math for us. We would add columns of (plural noun) to other columns of (plural noun) to master addition. We had to sit (adverb) when the teacher lectured to us about American (noun) and English (noun). Every day at lunch we would eat a/an (an animal) sandwich, a (noun) and a glass of (liquid).

In Science lab, we dissected a/an (noun) and saw its (noun) and (noun). Some people got sick and (verb, past tense) when we did this. Sometimes we would have a (noun) show. Some of the students would (verb) to (noun) music, while others recited (plural noun). The best was when three boys juggled (plural noun) while turning (plural noun) and standing on their (part of body, plural).

Millie said...
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any pencil-neck geeks to do our math for us. We would add columns of Andrews Sisters to other columns of Queen fans to master addition. We had to sit outrageously when the teacher lectured to us about American bend and snap and English history major. Every day at lunch we would eat a gecko sandwich, a diphead and a glass of nostril sauce.

In Science lab, we dissected an obscene bumper sticker and saw its skylark and annoying lip twitch. Some people got sick and smirked when we did this. Sometimes we would have a coffee table crasher show. Some of the students would trip over nothing to halo wearer music, while others recited lightning rods. The best was when three boys juggled weird artists who smear themselves with chocolate onstage while turning kitty eyes and standing on their arm waddle.

Heffalump said...
Things were different when I went to school. First of all, we didn't have any mops to do our math for us. We would add columns of brooms to other columns of latex gloves to master addition. We had to sit with attention to detail when the teacher lectured to us about American duster and English lemon Pledge. Every day at lunch we would eat a guinea pig sandwich, a rag and a glass of glass cleaner.

In Science lab, we dissected Lysol and saw its bleach and squeegee. Some people got sick and scrubbed when we did this. Sometimes we would have a spray bottle show. Some of the students would polish to gum scraper music, while others recited detergents. The best was when three boys juggled janitors while turning trash cans and standing on their fingernails.

How To Do That New Dance, the Monstrosity

Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot (adverb) to the side. Now stamp your right foot (number) times and put your hands on your partner's (plural noun). Next, you both (verb) slowly to the right and bend your (part of the body) backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you (verb) (adverb) to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your (plural noun) and slap your (plural noun) together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your (plural noun) together and shout, "(nonsense word)!" Now (verb) backward and repeat the whole thing (number) times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always (verb) the next one out.

Millie's son and daughter said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot tissue-pullingly to the side. Now stamp your right foot 23 times and put your hands on your partner's "Ugh" shouters. Next, you both barf slowly to the right and bend your elbow-pinchie backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you put fingers in a moving fan cat-lickingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your annoying bells and slap your potato chips together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your butt slappers together and shout, "Shmeowzow!" Now lick an exhaust pipe backward and repeat the whole thing 57 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always cow-tip the next one out.

Heffalump said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot painstakingly to the side. Now stamp your right foot 77 times and put your hands on your partner's wildfires. Next, you both jiggle slowly to the right and bend your sacrum backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you spank shockingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your jello-filled pools and slap your mannequins together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your prawns together and shout, "Sploink!" Now dance the electric slide backward and repeat the whole thing 6.2 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always irritate the next one out.

Chinese Dinner

I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is (adjective) and the service is (adjective). The owner of the restaurant, (celebrity), suggested that for my first course I have sweet and (adjective) spare ribs, which is a specialty of the (noun). They were (adjective). For the next course, I was served a/an (adjective) (noun) soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo (noun), lobster in (food) sauce, and pressed (food). For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese (noun) cookies with sliced (food). But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel (adjective) again.

Millie's sister and brother-in-law said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is stout and muumuu-wearing and the service is fish face-resembling. The owner of the restaurant, Rodney Dangerfield, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and sloppy spare ribs, which is a specialty of the stub tail jewelry. They were extremely deep belly button-having. For the next course, I was served a poo-encrusted drool cup soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Pus-y Nipple Hair, lobster in dog salad sauce, and pressed fish taco. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese butt hair cookies with sliced hamburger jello. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel purple and dimpled again.

Heffalump said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is pansy-faced and the service is stray cat strutting. The owner of the restaurant, Elton John, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and swanky spare ribs, which is a specialty of the rainbow clown wig. They were wedgie-distributing. For the next course, I was served a politically incorrect gold tooth soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Watermelon, lobster in chicken chimichanga sauce, and pressed tapioca. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese urinal cookies with sliced smelt. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel bedazzled again.

Vacay

We're taking a break from Mad Libs this week. See you next Monday!

A Fable

Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's (plural noun). She kept company with a/an (adjective) man named (name of man in room), who was always buying her (adjective) presents. Once he gave her a diamond (noun) to wear on her (noun), and he bought her a/an (adjective) (noun) to wear in her (noun). Then one day he bought her a/an (adjective) horse. As soon as she saw the (adjective) animal, she began to examine it (adverb). First she looked at the horse's (noun), and then at its (noun). Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its (noun). At this, the horse became (adjective) and bit off her (noun).
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the (noun).

Heffalump said...
Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's coconuts. She kept company with a death-defying man named Moondoggie, who was always buying her shark-infested presents. Once he gave her a diamond boogie board to wear on her lifeguard tower, and he bought her a tsunami-sized sand dollar to wear in her board shorts. Then one day he bought her a competitive horse. As soon as she saw the blue animal, she began to examine it swimmingly. First she looked at the horse's pineapple, and then at its roasted pig. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its luau. At this, the horse became grass skirt-wearing and bit off her carnuba wax.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the Big Kahuna.

Millie said...
Once upon a time there was a very curious girl who was always poking her nose into everybody's kitty pants. She kept company with a whimsical man named Carl, who was always buying her rooster-obsessed presents. Once he gave her a diamond angry cockroach to wear on her pool noodle, and he bought her a clownlike, recently-swirlied freshman to wear in her hot buttered seduction on a stick. Then one day he bought her a goofily grinning horse. As soon as she saw the striped animal, she began to examine it momentarily. First she looked at the horse's crankjob, and then at its Costco addict. Then she opened its mouth so she could look at its pantyhose mask. At this, the horse became stripped of inhibition and bit off her breath mint.
MORAL: Never look a gift horse in the vacuum hose.

A Family Car Trip

KID: I'm starved, Mom. My (part of the body) is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough (noun) food today. You ate enough to choke a (noun).
KID: But I'm a growing (noun). Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with (plural noun) and (plural noun)?
DAD: You just had a/an (adjective) breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled (plural noun) and a glass of (liquid).
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered (noun), plus that stack of (plural noun)?
KID: (Exclamation)! I have to go to the (noun) room. Can we stop? I have to go real (adjective)!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my (plural noun).
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong (liquid).
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled (noun) and some (adjective) fries? That'll hold me until lunch.

Millie said...
KID: I'm starved, Mom. My umbilicus is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough Weinermobile food today. You ate enough to choke a disaster.
KID: But I'm a growing mudslinger. Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with tiaras and beef jerky canisters that still smell like beef jerky?
DAD: You just had an injected-with-lard breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled Cub Scouts and a glass of spit.
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered dew drop, plus that stack of bathroom tile?
KID: Heavens to Betsy! I have to go to the Crunchberry room. Can we stop? I have to go real befuddled!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my age spots.
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong cantaloupe juice.
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled disgruntled postal worker and some road rage-afflicted fries? That'll hold me until lunch.

Heffalump said...
KID: I'm starved, Mom. My clavicle is growling.
MOM: I think you've had enough cotton candy food today. You ate enough to choke a watermelon rind.
KID: But I'm a growing county fair. Dad, can we stop and get a hamburger with rodeo clowns and elephant ears?
DAD: You just had a fresh squeezed breakfast!
KID: No I didn't. All I had was a couple of scrambled tickets and a glass of funnel cake batter.
MOM: How about those five pieces of buttered Zipper, plus that stack of Sno-Cones?
KID: YeeHAW! I have to go to the corn on the cob room. Can we stop? I have to go real recently milked!
DAD: Okay. It'll give me a chance to stretch my vendors.
MOM: Stop at that diner. I can use a cup of strong sweat from a cowboy's brow.
KID: As long as we're stopping, can I have a grilled 4-H Club and some impossible to win fries? That'll hold me until lunch.

Charity Drive Letter

Dear (name of person in room),
I’m sure you’ve heard of our organization, “The Society for the Prevention of (adjective) (plural noun).” We are currently having a drive to raise (number) dollars to build an up-to-date (noun) for underprivileged (plural noun). I know that as one of the leading (plural noun) of your community you will want to contribute to this (adjective) cause. Our president (celebrity) and our treasurer (celebrity) have been connected with many (adjective) charities. They urge you to reach down into your (noun) and give. Even if it’s only a/an (noun). The money will finance our (adjective) out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has (a liquid) in his (plural noun) can come and have our (adjective) doctors x-ray his (noun). Eventually we hope to stamp out (plural noun) altogether.
(Signed) (name of person in room)

Millie said...
Dear Gomez,
I’m sure you’ve heard of our organization, “The Society for the Prevention of Lactose-intolerant Turkey Breast Slices.” We are currently having a drive to raise 27 dollars to build an up-to-date Army private for underprivileged never-flattering sleeveless shirts. I know that as one of the leading drunken monkeys of your community you will want to contribute to this curtsying cause. Our president, the Quaker Oats guy, and our treasurer, Aunt Jemima, have been connected with many incandescent charities. They urge you to reach down into your chin hickey and give. Even if it’s only a toenail. The money will finance our see-through out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has peach nectar in his camel riders can come and have our trolloplike doctors x-ray his drawer pull. Eventually we hope to stamp out stinkbombs altogether.
(Signed) Furgler

Heffalump said...
Dear Beatrice,
I’m sure you’ve heard of our organization, “The Society for the Prevention of Stuffed Soldiers.” We are currently having a drive to raise 2 dollars to build an up-to-date Cupid for underprivileged maidens. I know that as one of the leading squires of your community you will want to contribute to this pernicious cause. Our president Kenneth Branaugh and our treasurer Emma Thompson have been connected with many suspicious charities. They urge you to reach down into your arrow and give. Even if it’s only a wedding. The money will finance our invisible out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has blood in his letters can come and have our obstinate doctors x-ray his prince. Eventually we hope to stamp out winebibbers altogether.
(Signed) Benedick

How To Enjoy Yourself on the Beach

When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of (a liquid), lots of suntan (something icky) and a couple of folding (pieces of furniture). Then you put on your (article of clothing) so you can get a beautiful (a color) to last you all summer. You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your (part of body). If you want exercise, you can find some (plural noun) to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America's favorite (adjective) game. You can also bring a/an (adjective) lunch, such as hard-boiled (plural noun), a few (an animal) sandwiches with mustard and some bottles of (a silly word) cola. If you remember all of the above and get a place near a/an (adjective) lifeguard, you can sunbathe (adverb) all day.

Millie said...
When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of plasma, lots of suntan snot and a couple of folding hammocks. Then you put on your mankini so you can get a beautiful fuschia to last you all summer. You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your ear canal. If you want exercise, you can find some ski bums to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America's favorite Scottie dog-obsessed game. You can also bring a run over by a bicycle lunch, such as hard-boiled cranky old men, a few llama sandwiches with mustard and some bottles of Gachuey-chuey cola. If you remember all of the above and get a place near an extremely hairy lifeguard, you can sunbathe lustily all day.

Heffalump said...
When you go to the beach, you must take along a big blanket, a thermos bottle full of melted slushy, lots of suntan crusty nose hair and a couple of folding foot stools. Then you put on your caftan so you can get a beautiful beige to last you all summer. You also should have a big hat to keep the sun off your phalange. If you want exercise, you can find some Kitchenaid mixers to play volleyball with. Volleyball is America's favorite serendipitous game. You can also bring a striped lunch, such as hard-boiled bellboys, a few sloth sandwiches with mustard and some bottles of Dlangy cola. If you remember all of the above and get a place near a hive-inducing lifeguard, you can sunbathe obtusely all day.

Uncle Dudley's Farm

My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early (noun) catches the (noun)," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's (adjective) farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster (verb ending in S) or the (noun) comes up. And right after we eat a/an (adjective) breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the (plural noun), and groom the (plural noun). Only when we've finished our (plural noun), can we go out and play hide and (verb), go bare (part of body) riding on the horses, or even skinny-(verb ending in ING) in the old swimming (noun). Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is a/an (adjective) (noun), but to tell the (adjective) truth, I love spending time on his (noun).

Heffalump said...
My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early beach catches the swimming pool," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's sweltering farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster escapes or the lifeguard comes up. And right after we eat a sunburned breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the otter pops, and groom the squirt guns. Only when we've finished our shady places, can we go out and play hide and cool down, go bare inner elbow riding on the horses, or even skinny-smiling in the old swimming smoothie. Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is an air conditioned sprinkler, but to tell the sweaty truth, I love spending time on his slip and slide.

Millie said...
My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early Red Wings jersey catches the Ferrari," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's fakily snoring farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster resents or the pit bull comes up. And right after we eat a school-skipping breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the Ferris Bueller disciples, and groom the foul balls. Only when we've finished our licked palms, can we go out and play hide and make out with Druggie Guy, go bare-split lip riding on the horses, or even skinny-White Out-sniffing in the old swimming gummy bear. Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is a real warm and soft police station, but to tell the barfing up a lung truth, I love spending time on his pancreas.

Klin said...
My dad says Uncle Dudley's favorite expression is "The early rocking recliner catches the clean car," and boy is Dad right. When we stay at Uncle Dudley's lazy farm, he drags us out of bed even before the rooster socializes or the Sr. Seuss comes up. And right after we eat a decrepit breakfast, we have to milk the cows, feed the girl jeans, and groom the dirty dishes. Only when we've finished our sprinkler system valves, can we go out and play hide and complain, go bare big toe toenail riding on the horses, or even skinny-whining in the old swimming cliche. Dad thinks Uncle Dudley is an excuse-making obnoxious teen, but to tell the wholly annoying truth, I love spending time on his quiet house.

A Letter of Complaint

Dear Sir or (noun),

I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).

Heffalump said...
Dear Sir or Lion,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your chest-thumping hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown penguin was an outrageous lorakeet. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of chew toys. All I found in my room was a trash zookeeper filled with old pooper scoopers. You also claimed to offer free overnight feeding in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new elephant ear across the street in a vacant gift shop. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were facetiously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my lost child, but he broke two of my adenoids while giving me a Swedish golf cart. Your room service was a crowded joke! They not only served burnt bird of prey but spilled a hot cup of petting zoo all over my newly pressed polar bear. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a train! I'm planning to sue you for a million frazzled parents.


Klin said...
Dear Sir or Dishwasher,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your annoyed hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sneaky-teen-that-thinks-he's-outsmarting-everyone-else was an outrageous Emmett Cullen. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of packed suitcases. All I found in my room was a trash Iggy's Monterey Salad filled with old purchased movie tickets. You also claimed to offer free overnight blissfully enjoying in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Youth Conference across the street in a vacant solitary time. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were frivolously inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my attentive child, but he broke two of my deltoids while giving me a Swedish annoying dog cry. Your room service was a lazy joke! They not only served burnt fake tan, but spilled a hot cup of too-ripe banana all over my newly pressed tattoo removal shop. I had to go to a business meeting wearing an end-of-diet bliss! I'm planning to sue you for a million weekend plans.

Millie said...
Dear Sir or Slippery Slope,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your broccoli-scented hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown baby puke was an outrageous pie plate. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of hatchet toes. All I found in my room was a trash ugly brown scrunchy filled with old transponders. You also claimed to offer free overnight crunching in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new toothpaste drip across the street in a vacant kitty trousers. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were mockingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my chickstache, but he broke two of my buttocks while giving me a Swedish obsessed Johnny Depp fan. Your room service was an overprotective joke! They not only served burnt chicken Kiev, but spilled a hot cup of inflate-a-date all over my newly pressed Hostess Twinkie. I had to go to a business meeting wearing an anxiety attack! I'm planning to sue you for a million goofballs.

Fourth of July

Every year on the (number)th of (month), we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our (adjective) (noun). Many (adjective) citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their (noun) from a window or by running it up a/an (adjective) pole. Most (plural noun) spend this holiday at home with family and (plural noun) or visit national (plural noun) or (adjective) beaches. Food as American as apple (noun), hamburgers, and corn on the (noun) are traditional holiday (noun). And in the evening, there are displays of (plural noun), such as Roman (plural noun), shooting (plural noun), and (adjective) rockets that (adverb) (verb) the sky. A word of caution: Do not use (plural noun) unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable (noun).

Heffalump said...
Every year on the 1776th of July, we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our explosive Roman candle. Many fiery citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their parade from a window or by running it up an independent pole. Most Pop-its spend this holiday at home with family and sparklers or visit national crackling balls or loud beaches. Food as American as apple clown, hamburgers, and corn on the M-80 are traditional holiday punk. And in the evening, there are displays of stink bombs, such as Roman fiery frogs, shooting ground blooms, and illegally bought across the state line rockets that blindingly engulf the sky. A word of caution: Do not use firemen unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable Fortress of Fire.

Klin said...
Every year on the 4 gazillionth of May, we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our ridiculously sorry major suckfest. Many horrendously sick citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their well-groomed traveler from a window or by running it up a former pole. Most piles of pistols spend this holiday at home with family and blowing leaves or visit national unlimited texts or threaded beaches. Food as American as apple spaghetti-stuffed, hamburgers, and corn on the washing machine are traditional holiday new Eclipse movie. And in the evening, there are displays of board games, such as Roman criminal minds, shooting dusters, and extraordinary rockets that stupendously bulge the sky. A word of caution: Do not use dancing sisters unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable old song.

Millie said...
Every year on the seventy-twelveth of Octember, we celebrate the Fourth of July. This holiday commemorates the birth of our cookie-monsterish dipwad. Many beautiful but evil citizens observe Independence Day by hanging their underwear crease from a window or by running it up a crap-covered pole. Most sewer-swigging slimeballs spend this holiday at home with family and panty-raiders or visit national Little Rascals or spits-when-talking beaches. Food as American as apple sheep slurp, hamburgers, and corn on the ugly tie are traditional holiday home teacher. And in the evening, there are displays of inefficient prison guards, such as Roman old ladies unsafe behind the wheel, shooting leg hairs, and egg-flavored rockets that crankily watusi the sky. A word of caution: Do not use boom mikes unless you are supervised by a knowledgeable Wonder Woman costume.

Travel Suggestion

If you're looking for a place to spend a/an (adjective) honeymoon, think of (adjective) Mexico. There, under a brilliant, (adjective) sky, you and your (adjective) bride can spend hours inspecting the quaint (plural noun) and the ancient Aztec (plural noun). You will be fascinated by the (adjective) customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the local (noun) which is what the Mexicans call their "(noun)", and watch the famous (noun) dance called the "(noun)". Hotels there have all (adjective) conveniences, including (adjective) water, (adjective) air conditioning, and (adjective) service. The rates are also very (adjective). In a few days, you and your bride will be lolling on the (noun), just like the (adjective) natives.

Millie said...
If you're looking for a place to spend a nonplussed honeymoon, think of roadkill-roasting Mexico. There, under a brilliant, puce sky, you and your scurrilous bride can spend hours inspecting the quaint escaped salamanders and the ancient Aztec Twix wrappers. You will be fascinated by the "Zippadee-ay"-shouting customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the local possessed pacemaker which is what the Mexicans call their "ruler-wielding nun," and watch the famous foast pork dance called the "fruit-filled donut." Hotels there have all narwhalish conveniences, including armpit-hair-sporting water, frantically-looking-for-a-restroom air conditioning, and Church nursery-scented service. The rates are also very not so fresh. In a few days, you and your bride will be lolling on the surrey with the fringe on top, just like the slapped often natives.

Heffalump said...
If you're looking for a place to spend a black and white honeymoon, think of scream-inducing Mexico. There, under a brilliant, chocolate-spattered sky, you and your feeling-like-someone-is-watching bride can spend hours inspecting the quaint eye-pecking birds and the ancient Aztec Michael Jackson's backup dancers from the Thriller video. You will be fascinated by the gore-covered customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the local victim which is what the Mexicans call their "rusty surgical tool," and watch the famous cemetery dance called the "mental patient." Hotels there have all spine-tingling conveniences, including zombie-like water, smells-like-a-fresh-grave air conditioning, and rotting service. The rates are also very chainsaw-wielding. In a few days, you and your bride will be lolling on the secret room under the stairs, just like the stupid-enough-to-walk-into-the-dark-basement-alone natives.

Description of Wedding

The (adjective) wedding yesterday afternoon between (adjective) (name of woman) and her groom, (name of man), was carried off (adverb). The bride wore a long (adjective) (noun) with (adjective) edging and a/an (adjective) neckline. At the end of the (adjective) ceremony, there wasn't a dry (noun) in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is a/an (adjective) man, just the kind of (noun) we wanted for our (adjective) daughter." The (adjective) couple left midst a flurry of (adjective) congratulations, to spend a/an (adjective) honeymoon visiting (plural noun) in (geographical location). They are sure to live (adverb) for many years.

Millie said...
The elbow-licking wedding yesterday afternoon between unbounded Hedwig and her groom, Mortimer, was carried off obscenely. The bride wore a long white and nerdy flibbertigibbet with weight loss-obsessed edging and a footsie-playing neckline. At the end of the crusty-eyed ceremony, there wasn't a dry barf particle in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is a short fat and slutty man, just the kind of abused pencil we wanted for our melodramatic daughter." The holiday-Jello-loving couple left midst a flurry of impatient congratulations, to spend a scary beyond all reason honeymoon visiting magpies in Steroid City. They are sure to live toe-tappingly for many years.

Klin said...
The itchy wedding yesterday afternoon between long-winded Nedra Bean and her groom, Llewlyn Brown, was carried off threateningly. The bride wore a long multi-colored homemade macaroni & cheese with numerical edging and a lazy neckline. At the end of the rough ceremony, there wasn't a dry headache in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is an organized man, just the kind of bike helmet we wanted for our fluffy-ish daughter." The creepy couple left midst a flurry of salted & roasted congratulations, to spend a misshapen honeymoon visiting potato chip crumbs in Pascagula, Mississippi. They are sure to live pretzel-resemblingly for many years.

Heffalump said...
The teal and silver wedding yesterday afternoon between sleeveless Carrie and her groom, Chuck, was carried off popularly. The bride wore a long sequined punch bowl with formal edging and a modest neckline. At the end of the empire waisted ceremony, there wasn't a dry tiara in the place. Later, at the reception, the bride's mother said, "The groom is a color coordinated man, just the kind of tuxedo we wanted for our theme songed daughter." The night-of-the-living-dead couple left midst a flurry of decorated by cheerleaders congratulations, to spend a disco ball-inspired honeymoon visiting committee members in the Ballroom of a cruise ship, somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. They are sure to live tearfully for many years.

Army Information

The birthday of the United States Army is June 14.

If you plan on joining the army, here are some (adjective) hints that will help you become a/an (adjective) soldier. The army is made up of officers, non-coms, and (plural noun). You can recognize an officer by the (plural noun) on his shoulders and the (noun) on his cap. When you address an officer, always say "(noun)" and salute (adverb). If you get a/an (adjective) haircut, keep your (plural noun) shined, and see that your (noun) is clean at all times, you will be a credit to the slogan, "The Army Builds (plural noun)." And at roll call, when the (adjective) sergeant calls your name, shout "(Exclamation)!" loud and clear. Also, become familiar with basic weapons such as the thirty-calibre (noun) and the automatic (noun). Follow this advice and in no time you'll win the (adjective) Conduct (noun).

Millie said...
If you plan on joining the army, here are some halfway there hints that will help you become a marshmallow-goo-covered soldier. The army is made up of officers, non-coms, and sheet-shorters. You can recognize an officer by the armpit-farters on his shoulders and the hide-a-bed on his cap. When you address an officer, always say "grilled chicken breast" and salute frothingly. If you get a spoiled rotten haircut, keep your cranky old women shined, and see that your spanked and screaming child is clean at all times, you will be a credit to the slogan, "The Army Builds Twinkle Toes." And at roll call, when the dirty-toed sergeant calls your name, shout "Shut up you pinhead! You make me SICK!" loud and clear. Also, become familiar with basic weapons such as the thirty-calibre butt shrub and the automatic black licorice ice cream. Follow this advice and in no time you'll win the Keeled-Over-Dead Conduct Ancient M&M found under the loveseat.

Klin said...
If you plan on joining the army, here are some grated hints that will help you become a cooked soldier. The army is made up of officers, non-coms, and enchiladas. You can recognize an officer by the suitcases on his shoulders and the detour on his cap. When you address an officer, always say "sick and tired" and salute foolishly. If you get a salty haircut, keep your camping trips shined, and see that your weather station is clean at all times, you will be a credit to the slogan, "The Army Builds Flip-Flops." And at roll call, when the medicated sergeant calls your name, shout "STOP YOU FOOL!" loud and clear. Also, become familiar with basic weapons such as the thirty-calibre snow creature and the automatic ancient Chinese man. Follow this advice and in no time you'll win the Folded Conduct Calculator.

Heffalump said...
If you plan on joining the army, here are some gaseous hints that will help you become an interplanetary soldier. The army is made up of officers, non-coms, and rockets. You can recognize an officer by the aliens on his shoulders and the UFO on his cap. When you address an officer, always say "ray gun" and salute gravitationally. If you get a nebulous haircut, keep your abductees shined, and see that your Area 51 is clean at all times, you will be a credit to the slogan, "The Army Builds Government Conspiracies." And at roll call, when the experimental sergeant calls your name, shout "Take me to your leader!" loud and clear. Also, become familiar with basic weapons such as the thirty-calibre probe and the automatic little green man. Follow this advice and in no time you'll win the Glowing Conduct Tractor Beam.

Bird Watching and Vice Versa

Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of (plural noun). Our (adjective) feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the (adjective) oriole, which builds its nest in (noun) trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "(funny noise)." Then the male and female get together and (verb). Later, the female lays (number) eggs. Isn't that (adjective)? Another fascinating bird is the (adjective)-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your (noun), and eat out of your (plural noun). Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested (noun), the (adjective)-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied (adjective) sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!

Heffalump said...
Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of pigs in blankets. Our syrup-covered feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the sugar sprinkled oriole, which builds its nest in pancake trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "Aaaoooooga!" Then the male and female get together and flip. Later, the female lays 13 eggs. Isn't that well done? Another fascinating bird is the over easy-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your waffle, and eat out of your bacon strips. Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested fried egg, the special-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied browned sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!

Millie said...
Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of panic attacks. Our girlfriend-hiding feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the dimpled oriole, which builds its nest in dial-a-cat trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "spelunk." Then the male and female get together and drop-kick. Later, the female lays 276 eggs. Isn't that constipated on macaroni? Another fascinating bird is the rancid-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your dipwad, and eat out of your gift baskets. Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested loaded for bear, the tuna-sniffing-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied fat sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!

An Adult Western

Tex (last name of man in room), the marshal of Dodge City, rode into town. He sat (adverb) in the saddle, ready for trouble. He knew that his (adjective) enemy, (first name of man in room) the Kid, was in town. The Kid was in love with Tex’s horse, (first name of woman in room).

Suddenly the Kid came out of the (adjective) Nugget Saloon. “Draw, Tex!” he yelled (adverb).

Tex reached for his (noun), but before he could get it out of his (noun), the Kid fired twice, hitting Tex in the (noun) and the (noun). As Tex fell, he pulled his own (noun) and shot the Kid (number) times in the (noun). The Kid dropped in a pool of (liquid).

“(Exclamation)!” Tex said. “I hated to do it, but he was on the wrong side of the (noun).”

Acacia said...
Tex Rockafeller, the marshal of Dodge City, rode into town. He sat devastatingly in the saddle, ready for trouble. He knew that his axiomatic enemy, Massive Headwound Harry the Kid, was in town. The Kid was in love with Tex’s horse, She-Ra.

Suddenly the Kid came out of the Putrid Nugget Saloon. “Draw, Tex!” he yelled quietly.

Tex reached for his aromatic candle, but before he could get it out of his roll of toilet paper, the Kid fired twice, hitting Tex in the Christmas music CD and the Icy Hot Patch. As Tex fell, he pulled his own rusty nail and shot the Kid 815 times in the UPS delivery truck. The Kid dropped in a pool of Diet Coke.

“ShaZOWIE!” Tex said. “I hated to do it, but he was on the wrong side of the chocolate chip cookie.”

Heffalump said...
Tex McGillicutty, the marshal of Dodge City, rode into town. He sat salaciously in the saddle, ready for trouble. He knew that his perspiring enemy, Patrick the Kid, was in town. The Kid was in love with Tex’s horse, Dora.

Suddenly the Kid came out of the Strutting like a Peacock Nugget Saloon. “Draw, Tex!” he yelled ingratiatingly.

Tex reached for his over easy egg, but before he could get it out of his salad shooter, the Kid fired twice, hitting Tex in the cheese and the 1 lb chub of spicy sausage. As Tex fell, he pulled his own George Foreman indoor grill and shot the Kid 1.7 times in the pepper. The Kid dropped in a pool of lighter fluid.

“Holy pink tutued flamingos, Batman!” Tex said. “I hated to do it, but he was on the wrong side of Johnny's All purpose seasoning salt that makes everything taste better.”

Millie said...
Tex Raunchbreath, the marshal of Dodge City, rode into town. He sat gesticulatingly in the saddle, ready for trouble. He knew that his noodle-loving enemy, Trench the Kid, was in town. The Kid was in love with Tex’s horse, Blanche.

Suddenly the Kid came out of the Spastic Nugget Saloon. “Draw, Tex!” he yelled sushi-eatingly.

Tex reached for his stank, but before he could get it out of his enormous blackhead, the Kid fired twice, hitting Tex in the water feature and the flashing red button that makes no sense. As Tex fell, he pulled his own milk mustache and shot the Kid 2387 times in the pencil shaving. The Kid dropped in a pool of sheep lip ooze.

“Ria-ria-moonacah!” Tex said. “I hated to do it, but he was on the wrong side of the pig drip.”

How to Go to Sleep

If you have trouble falling asleep, you probably have a/an (adjective) mind. You must learn to relax so you will have a/an (adjective) mind.

First, drink a cup of hot (liquid) and stretch out on a/an (adjective) bed in a/an (adjective) position. Then, breathe (adverb) and think about something beautiful such as (adjective) (plural noun). Do not think about your (adjective) enemies. Concentrate on someone restful, such as (female's name), who will make your mind more (adjective). Or count imaginary (plural noun) jumping over a/an (noun).

Follow these rules and you will fall into a/an (adjective) sleep the minute your (noun) hits the pillow.

Millie said...
If you have trouble falling asleep, you probably have a licked like an ice cream cone mind. You must learn to relax so you will have a frozen in time mind.

First, drink a cup of hot calf slobber and stretch out on an anxiously fly-swatting bed in an afraid of catching a nasty virus and lives in a house of Kleenex position. Then, breathe gutterball-rollingly and think about something beautiful such as constantly-poking-others rolling pins. Do not think about your flipped upside down enemies. Concentrate on someone restful, such as Tiger Lily, who will make your mind more IHOP-frequenting. Or count imaginary, annoyingly long guitar solos jumping over a high school flame.

Follow these rules and you will fall into a hollow-legged sleep the minute your dried drool flake hits the pillow.

Heffalump said...
If you have trouble falling asleep, you probably have a smarmy mind. You must learn to relax so you will have a swarthy mind.

First, drink a cup of hot lemon-scented dish soap and stretch out on a warty bed in a sordid position. Then, breathe shiftily and think about something beautiful such as blank bubbles. Do not think about your svelte enemies. Concentrate on someone restful, such as Madge, who will make your mind more smelly. Or count imaginary dishpan hands jumping over a scrubby sponge.

Follow these rules and you will fall into a robust sleep the minute your SOS pad hits the pillow.

Fable

Once upon a time a/an (adjective) (noun) expert named (name of person in room) felt a/an (adjective) pain. He sent for a/an (adjective) surgeon who looked at his (adjective) stomach and said, "(Exclamation)!" Then he muttered (adverb), "I see your trouble. The (noun) on your (adjective) stomach is overlapping the (noun) next to your kidney." The surgeon (adverb) took him to the (adjective) operating room of the hospital. There he made a/an (adjective) incision reaching from the patient's (noun) to his (noun). "(Exclamation)!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that (adjective) (noun)." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the (noun) out of the (noun), but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the (noun).
MORAL: A/An (noun) in time saves nine.

Millie said...
Once upon a time a goose-pimply meth mouth expert named Willard Undertaker felt a bejeweled pain. He sent for an out of walnuts surgeon who looked at his trampy-looking stomach and said, "It's my wedding day - why do I look so annoyed?!" Then he muttered bug zappingly, "I see your trouble. The coconut milk on your in love with Swiper stomach is overlapping the newly-bereft-of-stuff-and-really-cranky hoarder next to your kidney." The surgeon seductively took him to the dead-eyed operating room of the hospital. There he made a stacked incision reaching from the patient's weed to his child-injuring Tonka truck. "Holy Frijole!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that Fronch crusty TV remote." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the ceiling cobweb out of the chandelier pendant, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the clown shoe.

MORAL: A thing caught between your teeth in time saves nine.

Heffalump said...
Once upon a time a mangy lemonade expert named Captain Underpants felt a stick-to-your-ribs-good pain. He sent for a vomit-inducing surgeon who looked at his smelly stomach and said, "SOY SAUCE!" Then he muttered willingly, "I see your trouble. The fountain on your rose-petalled stomach is overlapping the glass eye next to your kidney." The surgeon unobtrusively took him to the endlessly churning operating room of the hospital. There he made a Solid Gold dancing incision reaching from the patient's dog named Pete to his monkey's paw. "I should've had a V-8!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that handmade Owl Creek Bridge." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the Raven out of the Cask of Amontillado, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the Tell-Tale Heart.

MORAL: A Masquerade in time saves nine.

Klin said...
Once upon a time a depressed baby diaper expert named Martin Bradshaw felt a baby blue pain. He sent for a partied out surgeon who looked at his snotty stomach and said, "Holy Batman!" Then he muttered stunningly, "I see your trouble. The dog pound on your fluffy stomach is overlapping the place we call work next to your kidney." The surgeon flatly took him to the squarishly round operating room of the hospital. There he made an intoxicated incision reaching from the patient's cute little dog called Squirt to his Forks, Washington. "What the Cabbage!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that quiet high school." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the Jeep out of the banana, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the ice cream.

MORAL: A hospital in time saves nine.

A Letter to a Resort Hotel

To the Manager of (last name)'s HOTEL, 344 (person's name) Street, (a location), California.

Dear, Sir, Madam or (noun),
I would like to reserve a/an (noun) at your (adjective) hotel for two weeks in August. We will need a room for myself, my wife, and our two (plural noun). We would like a double (noun) with a view of the (plural noun). I understand that your rate includes a continental breakfast consisting of a/an (adjective) French roll and (a food) preserves and a pot of hot (liquid). I would also like to reserve a side trip to (a place) and to the (last name) Canyon. My wife and I will go to the canyon alone. We will leave our smallest (noun) with his (adjective) brother at the swimming pool. We were at your hotel last year and had a simply (adjective) time and we look forward to fourteen days of relaxing (adverb) in your luxurious (noun).

Millie said...
To the Manager of Schwendimann's HOTEL, 344 Fred Gibbs Street, Hell's Kitchen, California.

Dear, Sir, Madam or shrimp bait,
I would like to reserve a fountain of sludge at your fresh (and not in a good way) hotel for two weeks in August. We will need a room for myself, my wife, and our two prunes. We would like a double wedding ring indentation with a view of the slug trails. I understand that your rate includes a continental breakfast consisting of a dipstick-resembling French roll and hummus preserves and a pot of hot sneeze juice. I would also like to reserve a side trip to the Titanic and to the Toothloser Canyon. My wife and I will go to the canyon alone. We will leave our smallest new car smell with his coffee-flavored brother at the swimming pool. We were at your hotel last year and had a simply profusely sweating time and we look forward to fourteen days of relaxing sneakily in your luxurious sippy cup.

Heffalump said...
To the Manager of Brynjulfsen's HOTEL, 344 Harry Butts Street, The Twilight zone, California.

Dear, Sir, Madam or Studebaker,
I would like to reserve a Vespa at your psychadelic hotel for two weeks in August. We will need a room for myself, my wife, and our two acrobatic monkeys. We would like a double quilt made by your great Aunt Nan that is made from mismatched baby clothes that never even belonged to you with a view of the participants in a Zumba class. I understand that your rate includes a continental breakfast consisting of a reminiscent of a disco ball French roll and chocolate-covered ants preserves and a pot of hot sweat of my brow. I would also like to reserve a side trip to the trunk of a mafia member's car and to the Fairchild Canyon. My wife and I will go to the canyon alone. We will leave our smallest adult tricycle coveted by Millie with his plural brother at the swimming pool. We were at your hotel last year and had a simply in need of decoding time and we look forward to fourteen days of relaxing increasingly in your luxurious shade-loving hosta plants.

Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
To the Manager of Aniston's HOTEL, 344 Angelina Street, Nice, France, California.

Dear, Sir, Madam or portable fan,
I would like to reserve a wii remote at your undulating hotel for two weeks in August. We will need a room for myself, my wife, and our two Prom goers. We would like a double itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini with a view of the garden destroying gophers. I understand that your rate includes a continental breakfast consisting of an undulating French roll and fresh pineapple preserves and a pot of hot grenadine. I would also like to reserve a side trip to the backseat of Jackie's car and to the Pitt Canyon. My wife and I will go to the canyon alone. We will leave our smallest Hoff's hair with his economically depressed brother at the swimming pool. We were at your hotel last year and had a simply frazzled time and we look forward to fourteen days of relaxing friviolously in your luxurious angelic nectar that is Dr Pepper.

FluffyChicky said...
To the Manager of Finklestein's HOTEL, 344 Melba Peachbottom Street, The Pit of Despair, California.

Dear, Sir, Madam or wet t-shirt contest for the “Over 70” crowd,
I would like to reserve a cheese grater at your hot-headed hotel for two weeks in August. We will need a room for myself, my wife, and our two electric griddles. We would like a double Aunt Orva’s false teeth with a view of the loser celebrities who aren’t cool enough to have their own figure at Madame Tussaud’s. I understand that your rate includes a continental breakfast consisting of a full-figured French roll and 3 week old Chinese leftovers wedged into the back corner of the refrigerator preserves and a pot of hot pimple secretions. I would also like to reserve a side trip to under the living room couch with the killer dust bunnies and to the Stanky Canyon. My wife and I will go to the canyon alone. We will leave our smallest Wankle rotary engine with his underwhelming brother at the swimming pool. We were at your hotel last year and had a simply slap-happy time and we look forward to fourteen days of relaxing snottily in your luxurious swimming pool full of rabid naked mole rats.

Newspaper Ads

FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This (adjective) car is in a/an (adjective) condition. It was formerly owned by a/an (adjective) school teacher who always drove it (adverb). There is a/an (adjective) (noun) in the back seat and a chrome (noun) on the hood. It has a/an (adjective) paint job, (adjective) tires, and the back opens out into a/an (adjective) (noun). Will consider taking slightly used (noun) in trade.

LOST: In the vicinity of (geographical location), a/an (adjective) French poodle with (adjective) hair and a/an (adjective) tail. It answers to the name of (name of person in room) and when last seen was carrying a/an (noun) in its mouth. A/An (adjective) reward is offered.

Millie said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This pummeled with pillows car is in a wrinkly and crusty condition. It was formerly owned by a pejorative school teacher who always drove it jackrabbit-catchingly. There is an orange peel-covered professional armpit sniffer in the back seat and a chrome ugly plant on the hood. It has a flapping in the breeze paint job, filled with sugary goodness tires, and the back opens out into an acidic Grandma's knickers. Will consider taking slightly used eyelash mite in trade.

LOST: In the vicinity of Rentown, USA, a numerological French poodle with blistered and oozing hair and an iris-sniffing tail. It answers to the name of Lola the Showgirl and when last seen was carrying a spoon bent with mind power in its mouth. A fey reward is offered.

Heffalump said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This blatant car is in a grandmother approved condition. It was formerly owned by a fire-breathing school teacher who always drove it terrifyingly. There is a buttock clenching sequinned jacket in the back seat and a chrome glass eye on the hood. It has a fist shaking paint job, dizzying tires, and the back opens out into a klepto-inspired wooden shoe. Will consider taking slightly used tomahawk in trade.

LOST: In the vicinity of Cawker City, Kansas, Home to the World's largest ball of twine, a fedora wearing French poodle with samba dancing through the night hair and a ewe-like tail. It answers to the name of Ernesto the bald troubador and when last seen was carrying a dancing bear in its mouth. A not as smart as a first grader reward is offered.

(Sorry about that, Heff! That's what happens when Millie leaves her house... she gets confused)

Beauty Advice

If your skin is (adjective) or (adjective), you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your (noun), massage it gently with a/an (noun) that has been soaked overnight in a/an (container) full of warm (liquid). Then mix together some (a food) and some (a food) until the mixture becomes (adjective). Pat this onto your (adjective) complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using a/an (noun), and wash your face with (adjective) water. Do not omit this (adjective) step or your skin will become (adjective). Do this (adverb) every day and you will soon be as (adjective) as (name of person in room).

Heffalump said...
If your skin is meteoric or pain-inducing, you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your woolly mammoth, massage it gently with a synchronized swimmer that has been soaked overnight in a vat full of warm SOY SAUCE!. Then mix together some armadillo steak and some strawberry shortcake until the mixture becomes classically original. Pat this onto your brilliant complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using a rickshaw driver, and wash your face with smashing water. Do not omit this mind-boggling step or your skin will become effervescent. Do this shockingly every day and you will soon be as syncopated as Mary Poppins.

Millie said...
If your skin is frenetic or drooling, you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your armpit drip, massage it gently with a tossed cookie that has been soaked overnight in a tool box full of warm smear juice. Then mix together some strained pears and some fish paste until the mixture becomes butt-clenchingly unpleasant. Pat this onto your floppy disk tossing complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using an angry earwig, and wash your face with perpendicular water. Do not omit this contrary step or your skin will become blue. Do this MRSA-thwartingly every day and you will soon be as monkey-seeking as Puff the Impaled Harpoonist.

Description of the Lovely Group that I am in

We are having a perfectly (adjective) time this evening in the (adjective) home of (name of person in room). The rooms are decorated (adverb) with many stylish (plural noun) that must have cost at least (number) dollars. The guests are all (adjective) conversationalists and are all (adverb) dressed. (Name of person in room) has been entertaining us by telling about the time he showed his (adjective) (noun) to (name of person in room), who mistook it for an early American (noun). The refreshments are (adjective) and the idea of serving (a liquid) on the rocks showed (adjective) imagination. Visiting here is always a/an (adjective) experience.

Heffalump said...
We are having a perfectly stupendous time this evening in the flexible home of Larry. The rooms are decorated painstakingly with many stylish sideburns that must have cost at least 27 dollars. The guests are all inspired-by-circus-freaks conversationalists and are all insultingly dressed. Curly has been entertaining us by telling about the time he showed his rainbow wig-wearing armpit to Mo, who mistook it for an early American carrot cake. The refreshments are muscle bound and the idea of serving motor oil on the rocks showed more sequined than Elvis' jumpsuit imagination. Visiting here is always an aromatic experience.

Millie said...
We are having a perfectly copied and posted all over town time this evening in the skipped over and crying in Primary home of Headlouse Hedwig. The rooms are decorated sippy cup-slurpingly with many stylish monkeys wearing dresses that must have cost at least 1328 dollars. The guests are all glowing red conversationalists and are all strangely dressed. Oliver Clothesoff has been entertaining us by telling about the time he showed his smacked and embarrassed new Wii game to Angel O'Themorning, who mistook it for an early American jangly and annoying bracelet. The refreshments are twitching and the idea of serving rat drip on the rocks showed incoherently mumbling imagination. Visiting here is always a saucy experience.

Dialogue Between Tourist and Souvenir Salesperson

Played by (boy in room) and (girl in room).

BOY: Hello there, Miss. I am looking for some postal (plural noun) that I can mail back to my (plural noun) in (a town).
GIRL: We have some very (adjective) cards. Would you like some with pictures of our local (noun) or with pictures of (plural noun) growing along the beach?
BOY: I would like five of those that show my (adjective) hotel.
GIRL: Alright. Now how about a bumper sticker that says "(a city), America's greatest little (vegetable)"?
BOY: No thanks. But I would like to see one of those (color) hats with the (noun) on top.
GIRL: Okay. Here. My, you look just like a (noun).
BOY: Good. I'll take it. Now if you can sell me some fourteen-cent (plural noun), I'll let all my friends back home know what a/an (adjective) time I am having.

Millie said...
Played by Madmartigan and Sorsha.

BOY: Hello there, Miss. I am looking for some postal apes hyped up on candy and fire water that I can mail back to my grandma trampolines in Burnt Corn, Alabama.
GIRL: We have some very misspelled cards. Would you like some with pictures of our local whale tail tattoo or with pictures of Percocet tablets growing along the beach?
BOY: I would like five of those that show my holier-than-thou hotel.
GIRL: Alright. Now how about a bumper sticker that says "Madrid, America's greatest little radish"?
BOY: No thanks. But I would like to see one of those mint green hats with the disproportionately large noggin on top.
GIRL: Okay. Here. My, you look just like fingernail ooze.
BOY: Good. I'll take it. Now if you can sell me some fourteen-cent naughty distractions, I'll let all my friends back home know what an on guard time I am having.

Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
Played by Tiger Woods and Kate Gosselin.

BOY: Hello there, Miss. I am looking for some postal seashells that I can mail back to my tourists in Hope, Arkansas.
GIRL: We have some very appetizing cards. Would you like some with pictures of our local cutting board or with pictures of pretzels growing along the beach?
BOY: I would like five of those that show my chocolate-coated hotel.
GIRL: Alright. Now how about a bumper sticker that says "Munchkin City, America's greatest little asparagus"?
BOY: No thanks. But I would like to see one of those vermilion hats with the ingrown toenail on top.
GIRL: Okay. Here. My, you look just like a wet bandaid.
BOY: Good. I'll take it. Now if you can sell me some fourteen-cent earplugs, I'll let all my friends back home know what a lice-infested time I am having.

Heffalump said...
Played by Pedro and Maxine.

BOY: Hello there, Miss. I am looking for some postal vitamins that I can mail back to my gardening tools in Ephrata.
GIRL: We have some very piercing cards. Would you like some with pictures of our local eye or with pictures of fuel injectors growing along the beach?
BOY: I would like five of those that show my enlightening hotel.
GIRL: Alright. Now how about a bumper sticker that says "Dodge, America's greatest little Swiss chard"?
BOY: No thanks. But I would like to see one of those cornflower blue hats with the pinky finger on top.
GIRL: Okay. Here. My, you look just like navel lint.
BOY: Good. I'll take it. Now if you can sell me some fourteen-cent popcicle sticks, I'll let all my friends back home know what a larger than life time I am having.

Klin said...
Played by Dr. Jekyll and Madonna.

BOY: Hello there, Miss. I am looking for some postal scattered dog toys that I can mail back to my poor dead fishies in Mayberry.
GIRL: We have some very life-like cards. Would you like some with pictures of our local child of mine or with pictures of freedoms in peril growing along the beach?
BOY: I would like five of those that show my blustery hotel.
GIRL: Alright. Now how about a bumper sticker that says "San Francisco, America's greatest little kohlrabi"?
BOY: No thanks. But I would like to see one of those orange hats with the ringing telephone on top.
GIRL: Okay. Here. My, you look just like a Wii.
BOY: Good. I'll take it. Now if you can sell me some fourteen-cent fantabulous speakers, I'll let all my friends back home know what a disobedient time I am having.

Easter

Happy Easter

Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the (plural noun) get (number) weeks off. The (adjective) teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the (noun). Others get outside and play (a game), while more ambitious students spend their time studying their (adjective) books so they will grow up to become (plural noun). Little kids also color (adjective) eggs.

Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of (adjective) dye in a bowl full of (liquid). Then dip the (noun) in the bowl and rinse it off with (liquid). Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a/an (adjective) egg!"

Millie said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the extremely naughty babies get 1137 weeks off. The slapped silly teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the too-curious 5-year-old. Others get outside and play Two Minutes in the Closet, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their red and crinkly books so they will grow up to become Santa pants. Little kids also color lard-frosted eggs.

Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of repulsed by pregnant women dye in a bowl full of cow slobber. Then dip the Bismark donut in the bowl and rinse it off with rain water. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a cricket-noise-making egg!"

Klin said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the unfinished scrapbooks get 7 weeks off. The intensely annoying teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the intense field fire. Others get outside and play Kick-the-can, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their begging-to-eat-candy books so they will grow up to become 6 loads of bedding. Little kids also color broken-hearted eggs.

Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of luckiest dye in a bowl full of non-coagulated blood. Then dip the new computer in the bowl and rinse it off with turpentine. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a contemporary egg!"

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the bottles of nasal spray get 815 weeks off. The overworked teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the skeleton key. Others get outside and play Uno, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their underappreciated books so they will grow up to become M&Ms. Little kids also color grumpy eggs.

Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of covered-in-snot dye in a bowl full of Dr. Pepper. Then dip the whoopie cushion in the bowl and rinse it off with ham glaze. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a barf-inducing egg!"

Heffalump said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the donkeys get 13 weeks off. The pimply-faced teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the bowling shirt. Others get outside and play Spin the Bottle, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their anatomically correct books so they will grow up to become neckties. Little kids also color bovine-inspired eggs.

Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of polka dotted dye in a bowl full of chocolate milk. Then dip the unwanted zucchini in the bowl and rinse it off with blood plasma. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a makes-you-want-to-samba egg!"