1. I, (name of person in room), will (verb) every day at the gym for at least (number) minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only (number) servings of (noun).
3. I will watch only (adjective) television shows.
4. I will tell (name of person in room) that I think he/she is a/an (adjective) (noun).
5. I will ask my boss for a/an (number)-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a/an (adjective) personality.
7. I will take my (noun) to (noun) at least once a month.
8. I will (verb) one book every (number) weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least (number) pounds.
10. I will return the (adjective) (plural noun) I borrowed from (person in room).
11. I will get on a (noun) and only spend (number) dollars a month.
Millie said...
1. I, Awful Topic Tina, will sway every day at the gym for at least two minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only fourteen servings of angst.
3. I will watch only tantalizing television shows.
4. I will tell Dripped-on Darryl that I think he is a licked-by-a-giraffe Jo-Ann Fabrics store.
5. I will ask my boss for a nineteen-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a salt-makes-hyper personality.
7. I will take my ear earring to John Grisham fan at least once a month.
8. I will mimic one book every thirty weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least forty pounds.
10. I will return the after-Christmas relief experiencing shorts I borrowed from Seriously Slappy Sally.
11. I will get on a pre-existence and only spend forty-two dollars a month.
Heffalump said...
1. I, Kiki, will hand jive every day at the gym for at least 7 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 52 servings of Concord grape jelly.
3. I will watch only wobbly television shows.
4. I will tell Esmerelda that I think she is a satirical Gollum.
5. I will ask my boss for a 16-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have an expensive personality.
7. I will take my mashed potato to stocking lint at least once a month.
8. I will jump one book every 25 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 43 pounds.
10. I will return the personable jelly beans I borrowed from Smitty.
11. I will get on a wire whisk and only spend 88 dollars a month.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
New York, New York
Falling in love with the Big (noun), especially at Christmas time, can happen in a/an (place) minute. Perhaps it comes when you and your (noun) stroll through Central Park after the trees and the (plural noun) are blanketed by a/an (adjective) snow (noun). Or maybe when you (verb) a corner and come upon a/an (adjective) vendor selling hot roasted (plural noun) and warming his (part of the body, plural) over the (adjective) flame. Maybe it happens when you first glimpse some (adjective) skaters bundled in warm (plural noun) gliding across the (adjective) ice of Rockefeller (noun). Who knows when you'll be smitten? All we know is, it will most (adverb) happen.
Klin said...
Falling in love with the Big Christmas Tree, especially at Christmas time, can happen in a BYU Marriott Center minute. Perhaps it comes when you and your Ford truck stroll through Central Park after the trees and the new tires are blanketed by a blubbering snow mountain height. Or maybe when you hang a corner and come upon a frozen vendor selling hot roasted Christmas lights and warming his toesies over the loud flame. Maybe it happens when you first glimpse some orange skaters bundled in warm teensy tiny kitties gliding across the crusty ice of Rockefeller Game Show Host. Who knows when you'll be smitten? All we know is, it will most utterly happen.
Heffalump said...
Falling in love with the Big Mini Doberman Pincher, especially at Christmas time, can happen in a Sarsparilla Sally's Swanky Saloon minute. Perhaps it comes when you and your personal chef stroll through Central Park after the trees and the lightsabers are blanketed by a pensive snow quiche. Or maybe when you shout at a corner and come upon an ear splitting vendor selling hot roasted chopsticks and warming his toes over the gargantuan flame. Maybe it happens when you first glimpse some impatient skaters bundled in warm clocks gliding across the disobedient ice of Rockefeller Secret Agent. Who knows when you'll be smitten? All we know is, it will most maddeningly happen.
Klin said...
Falling in love with the Big Christmas Tree, especially at Christmas time, can happen in a BYU Marriott Center minute. Perhaps it comes when you and your Ford truck stroll through Central Park after the trees and the new tires are blanketed by a blubbering snow mountain height. Or maybe when you hang a corner and come upon a frozen vendor selling hot roasted Christmas lights and warming his toesies over the loud flame. Maybe it happens when you first glimpse some orange skaters bundled in warm teensy tiny kitties gliding across the crusty ice of Rockefeller Game Show Host. Who knows when you'll be smitten? All we know is, it will most utterly happen.
Heffalump said...
Falling in love with the Big Mini Doberman Pincher, especially at Christmas time, can happen in a Sarsparilla Sally's Swanky Saloon minute. Perhaps it comes when you and your personal chef stroll through Central Park after the trees and the lightsabers are blanketed by a pensive snow quiche. Or maybe when you shout at a corner and come upon an ear splitting vendor selling hot roasted chopsticks and warming his toes over the gargantuan flame. Maybe it happens when you first glimpse some impatient skaters bundled in warm clocks gliding across the disobedient ice of Rockefeller Secret Agent. Who knows when you'll be smitten? All we know is, it will most maddeningly happen.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Chinese Dinner
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is (adjective) and the service is (adjective). The owner of the restaurant, (celebrity), suggested that for my first course I have sweet and (adjective) spare ribs, which is a specialty of the (noun). They were (adjective). For the next course, I was served a/an (adjective) (noun) soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo (noun), lobster in (food) sauce, and pressed (food). For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese (noun) cookies with sliced (food). But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel (adjective) again.
Heffalump said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is fluffy and the service is ubiquitous. The owner of the restaurant, Hugh Jackman, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and self-centered spare ribs, which is a specialty of the Wii remote. They were charred. For the next course, I was served a feeble sideburns soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Corvette, lobster in egg salad sandwich sauce, and pressed creme brulee. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese school uniform cookies with sliced strained pears. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel flouncy again.
Millie said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is superior and loving it and the service is shower-needing. The owner of the restaurant, Gary Coleman, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and Snuggie-wearing spare ribs, which is a specialty of the saucy lass. They were ruffled like a 70s tux. For the next course, I was served an anxious about getting skirt caught in pantyhose ball of twine soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Band Geek, lobster in London broil sauce, and pressed peanut butter. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese three-footed cane cookies with sliced Funyuns. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel dropped as a baby again.
Heffalump said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is fluffy and the service is ubiquitous. The owner of the restaurant, Hugh Jackman, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and self-centered spare ribs, which is a specialty of the Wii remote. They were charred. For the next course, I was served a feeble sideburns soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Corvette, lobster in egg salad sandwich sauce, and pressed creme brulee. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese school uniform cookies with sliced strained pears. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel flouncy again.
Millie said...
I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is superior and loving it and the service is shower-needing. The owner of the restaurant, Gary Coleman, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and Snuggie-wearing spare ribs, which is a specialty of the saucy lass. They were ruffled like a 70s tux. For the next course, I was served an anxious about getting skirt caught in pantyhose ball of twine soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Band Geek, lobster in London broil sauce, and pressed peanut butter. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese three-footed cane cookies with sliced Funyuns. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel dropped as a baby again.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Cave Exploring
If you like to go spatting in googly-eyed caves that are 157 feet underground, you should go to the constantly scratching Mammoth Caves located in Boogalagrium, Russia. Thousands of booger art display admiring kitty kutlets go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really a hair-lipped sport. But always go with a never wears pants that fit guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful spanked face red and pumpkin orange rocks and crystals. Huge bad advice giving things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge lingering bad smell providing things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of wart picking bats. Bats can fly and look like can’t quit snorting rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with spied on snowman builders on them and a hat with a battery-powered wooden leg named Smith. (by my sister)
Heffalump said...
If you like to go jogging in penultimate caves that are 67 feet underground, you should go to the Springy Mammoth Caves located in Petaluma. Thousands of towering Clown College graduates go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really an orange glazed sport. But always go with a sock-like guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful mauve and chartreuse rocks and crystals. Huge meandering things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge spiky things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of Broadway-themed bats. Bats can fly and look like chocolate-covered rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with Rubik's Cubes on them and a hat with a battery-powered cheesecake.
Klin said...
If you like to go swearing in obnoxious caves that are 7 feet underground, you should go to the Lazy Mammoth Caves located at BYU. Thousands of adorable baby toys go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really a hungry sport. But always go with a clean guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful yellow and orange rocks and crystals. Huge loud things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge happy things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of frustrated bats. Bats can fly and look like super smart rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with dog toys on them and a hat with a battery-powered fireplace.
Millie said...
If you like to go making fun in stopped up and bubbling caves that are 327 feet underground, you should go to the Ignorant of Platypuses Mammoth Caves located in Poison Spider, Wyoming. Thousands of Phineas and Ferb-obsessed beef tenderloins go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really a compulsive houseplant watering sport. But always go with a zombiefied guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful purple and neon blue rocks and crystals. Huge floating in midair things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge blackened things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of stiff and stinky bats. Bats can fly and look like pink rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with Christmas bonbons on them and a hat with battery-powered roadkill.
Heffalump said...
If you like to go jogging in penultimate caves that are 67 feet underground, you should go to the Springy Mammoth Caves located in Petaluma. Thousands of towering Clown College graduates go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really an orange glazed sport. But always go with a sock-like guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful mauve and chartreuse rocks and crystals. Huge meandering things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge spiky things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of Broadway-themed bats. Bats can fly and look like chocolate-covered rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with Rubik's Cubes on them and a hat with a battery-powered cheesecake.
Klin said...
If you like to go swearing in obnoxious caves that are 7 feet underground, you should go to the Lazy Mammoth Caves located at BYU. Thousands of adorable baby toys go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really a hungry sport. But always go with a clean guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful yellow and orange rocks and crystals. Huge loud things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge happy things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of frustrated bats. Bats can fly and look like super smart rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with dog toys on them and a hat with a battery-powered fireplace.
Millie said...
If you like to go making fun in stopped up and bubbling caves that are 327 feet underground, you should go to the Ignorant of Platypuses Mammoth Caves located in Poison Spider, Wyoming. Thousands of Phineas and Ferb-obsessed beef tenderloins go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really a compulsive houseplant watering sport. But always go with a zombiefied guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful purple and neon blue rocks and crystals. Huge floating in midair things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge blackened things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of stiff and stinky bats. Bats can fly and look like pink rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with Christmas bonbons on them and a hat with battery-powered roadkill.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Political Speech
Ladies and gentlemen, on this (adjective) occasion it is a privilege to address such a (adjective)-looking group of (plural noun). I can tell from your smiling (plural noun) that you will support my (adjective) program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there wil be a (noun) in every (noun) and two (plural noun) in every garage. I want to warn you against my (adjective) opponent, Mr. (name of person). This man is nothing but a (adjective) (noun). He has a (adjective) character and is working (noun) in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the (plural noun) off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their (plural noun) in the public till. I promise you (adjective) government, (adjective) taxes, and (adjective) schools.
Millie said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this toner-swilling occasion it is a privilege to address such a threaded the wrong way-looking group of piggy banks. I can tell from your smiling tamales that you will support my itchy program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a nudist who wears a tie to church in every sock monkey and two mismatched socks in every garage. I want to warn you against my s'more-eating opponent, Mr. Staunch Stench. This man is nothing but a slapped purple drunk. He has a tattling character and is working can of fruit cocktail in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the 5-year-old binky enthusiasts off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their maggots in the public till. I promise you crunchified government, ape-like taxes, and shocked-by-jumper-cables schools.
Heffalump said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this serendipitous occasion it is a privilege to address such a swell-looking group of garbanzo beans. I can tell from your smiling blackeyed peas that you will support my six foot long program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a soup in every stew and two chickpeas in every garage. I want to warn you against my denture wearing opponent, Mr. Jack. This man is nothing but a spellbound bisque. He has a felicitous character and is working chowder in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the kidney beans off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their lentils in the public till. I promise you smarmy government, envelope licking taxes, and swine sniffing schools.
Millie said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this toner-swilling occasion it is a privilege to address such a threaded the wrong way-looking group of piggy banks. I can tell from your smiling tamales that you will support my itchy program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a nudist who wears a tie to church in every sock monkey and two mismatched socks in every garage. I want to warn you against my s'more-eating opponent, Mr. Staunch Stench. This man is nothing but a slapped purple drunk. He has a tattling character and is working can of fruit cocktail in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the 5-year-old binky enthusiasts off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their maggots in the public till. I promise you crunchified government, ape-like taxes, and shocked-by-jumper-cables schools.
Heffalump said...
Ladies and gentlemen, on this serendipitous occasion it is a privilege to address such a swell-looking group of garbanzo beans. I can tell from your smiling blackeyed peas that you will support my six foot long program in the coming election. I promise that, if elected, there will be a soup in every stew and two chickpeas in every garage. I want to warn you against my denture wearing opponent, Mr. Jack. This man is nothing but a spellbound bisque. He has a felicitous character and is working chowder in glove with the criminal element. If elected, I promise to eliminate vice. I will keep the kidney beans off the city's streets. I will keep crooks from dipping their lentils in the public till. I promise you smarmy government, envelope licking taxes, and swine sniffing schools.
Friday, October 28, 2011
The High School Monster 2011
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a/an (adjective) high school in (name of town). The students are (adjective) with fear. Listen as our heroine, (girl in room), speaks to (boy in room).
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young (plural noun) and boiled the (noun) teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, (pet name). I think the monster is really just a (noun).
GIRL: But (a person) saw it. It has (a number) arms and long (adjective) hair and (a color) teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like (someone in room).
GIRL: When I go out I walk very (adverb).
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the (adjective) bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look (adjective)? Get some other (noun).
Heffalump said...
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a dilapidated high school in Eerie, Indiana. The students are gothic with fear. Listen as our heroine, Mina, speaks to Vlad.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young fangs and boiled the blood donor teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, dearheart. I think the monster is really just a castle.
GIRL: But Jonathan Harker saw it. It has 27 arms and long musty hair and red teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like Kirsten Dunst.
GIRL: When I go out I walk very garlic-wearingly.
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the black bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look corpse-like? Get some other bat.
Millie said...
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a gum-smacking high school in the Lower East Side. The students are cocky with fear. Listen as our heroine, Izzy the Nose, speaks to Roman Carpiti.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young choir boys and boiled the shelf paper teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, Doll. I think the monster is really just a price tag gun.
GIRL: But Mary Margaret Catherine Dineen saw it. It has 25 arms and long robotic hair and flaming red teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like Danny Vermin.
GIRL: When I go out I walk very dangerously.
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the impressive bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look sweater-knitting? Get some other 88 Magnum.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young (plural noun) and boiled the (noun) teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, (pet name). I think the monster is really just a (noun).
GIRL: But (a person) saw it. It has (a number) arms and long (adjective) hair and (a color) teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like (someone in room).
GIRL: When I go out I walk very (adverb).
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the (adjective) bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look (adjective)? Get some other (noun).
Heffalump said...
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a dilapidated high school in Eerie, Indiana. The students are gothic with fear. Listen as our heroine, Mina, speaks to Vlad.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young fangs and boiled the blood donor teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, dearheart. I think the monster is really just a castle.
GIRL: But Jonathan Harker saw it. It has 27 arms and long musty hair and red teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like Kirsten Dunst.
GIRL: When I go out I walk very garlic-wearingly.
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the black bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look corpse-like? Get some other bat.
Millie said...
NARRATOR: Our scene is in a gum-smacking high school in the Lower East Side. The students are cocky with fear. Listen as our heroine, Izzy the Nose, speaks to Roman Carpiti.
GIRL: The High School Monster has eaten three more pretty young choir boys and boiled the shelf paper teacher.
BOY: Don't be afraid, Doll. I think the monster is really just a price tag gun.
GIRL: But Mary Margaret Catherine Dineen saw it. It has 25 arms and long robotic hair and flaming red teeth.
BOY: Hmm. That sounds like Danny Vermin.
GIRL: When I go out I walk very dangerously.
BOY: I am going to set a trap for this so-called monster. And you must be the impressive bait.
GIRL: Oh no! Do I look sweater-knitting? Get some other 88 Magnum.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Description of a Horror TV Show
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me (an animal) pimples! It starred (a person) as a mad (an occupation) who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by (a person), who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a/an (noun). So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up (a place). The army tries to stop them by spraying them with (a liquid) but that doesn't bother those (adjective) bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom (noun) on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the (adjective) scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a/an (noun) for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful (noun), who is played by (a person), and they live (adverb) ever after.
Heffalump said...
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me aardvark pimples! It starred Larry as a mad Secret Shopper who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by Curly, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a public restroom. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up Red Robin. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with melted Mud Pie but that doesn't bother those despair inducing bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom china cabinet on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the checkered scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a velvet smoking jacket for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful bunny slipper, who is played by Moe, and they live destructively ever after.
Millie said...
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me locust pimples! It starred Fred Gibbs as a mad crabber who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by Catnip Jones, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with an ironing board. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up the indoors. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with slug slime but that doesn't bother those blue and protruding bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom chip-wanting child on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the crappily homeschooled scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a constant complainer for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful lumberjack, who is played by Shirley U. Jest, and they live hip-bumpingly ever after.
Heffalump said...
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me aardvark pimples! It starred Larry as a mad Secret Shopper who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by Curly, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with a public restroom. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up Red Robin. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with melted Mud Pie but that doesn't bother those despair inducing bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom china cabinet on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the checkered scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a velvet smoking jacket for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful bunny slipper, who is played by Moe, and they live destructively ever after.
Millie said...
Last week, I saw a television show that really gave me locust pimples! It starred Fred Gibbs as a mad crabber who discovers a way to make bedbugs fourteen feet high! The scientist has a goofy assistant, played by Catnip Jones, who gets mad because the scientist keeps hitting him on the head with an ironing board. So he lets the bedbugs loose. Right away they start to eat up the indoors. The army tries to stop them by spraying them with slug slime but that doesn't bother those blue and protruding bedbugs. They go right on and eat up Chicago. Then the army drops an atom chip-wanting child on them and this kills all of them except one super bedbug who grabs the crappily homeschooled scientist and jumps into a volcano. And then the goofy assistant takes off his disguise and says, "I was only a constant complainer for the F.B.I.," and he marries the scientist's beautiful lumberjack, who is played by Shirley U. Jest, and they live hip-bumpingly ever after.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Columbus and Isabella
COLUMBUS: Queen Isabella, it is I, Christopher Columbus. I have returned after discovering a new route to (a place).
ISABELLA: That's news, Columbus. Did you bring back lots of silver and precious (plural noun)?
COLUMBUS: No, your majesty. But you'll never have to pawn the royal (plural noun) again. I discovered a/an (adjective) land populated by fierce, red (plural noun), and I claimed them all in the name of the Spanish (noun).
ISABELLA: (Exclamation)! This will please my husband, (a person). What are these natives called?
COLUMBUS: They are called (plural noun), your majesty. They put (a liquid) on their faces and wear (plural noun) in their hair.
ISABELLA: You have made a/an (adjective) voyage, Columbus, and your (noun) will go down in history!
Heffalump said...
COLUMBUS: Queen Isabella, it is I, Christopher Columbus. I have returned after discovering a new route to Transylvania.
ISABELLA: That's news, Columbus. Did you bring back lots of silver and precious bats?
COLUMBUS: No, your majesty. But you'll never have to pawn the royal mummies again. I discovered a gothic land populated by fierce, red blood donors, and I claimed them all in the name of the Spanish hunchback.
ISABELLA: I vant to suck your blood, blah! This will please my husband, Dracula. What are these natives called?
COLUMBUS: They are called castles, your majesty. They put blood on their faces and wear pediatricians in their hair.
ISABELLA: You have made an hypnotic voyage, Columbus, and your victim will go down in history!
Millie said...
COLUMBUS: Queen Isabella, it is I, Christopher Columbus. I have returned after discovering a new route to Occupy Portland.
ISABELLA: That's news, Columbus. Did you bring back lots of silver and precious slipknots?
COLUMBUS: No, your majesty. But you'll never have to pawn the royal huge belches again. I discovered an incomprehensible land populated by fierce, red onion rings, and I claimed them all in the name of the Spanish cherry stem tied in a knot with one's tongue.
ISABELLA: Do whatever, Dittums! This will please my husband, Grant Staten III. What are these natives called?
COLUMBUS: They are called little April showers, your majesty. They put Spaghetti-o Surprise on their faces and wear Hillary hairdos in their hair.
ISABELLA: You have made a mortified by its mother voyage, Columbus, and your gas station attendant will go down in history!
ISABELLA: That's news, Columbus. Did you bring back lots of silver and precious (plural noun)?
COLUMBUS: No, your majesty. But you'll never have to pawn the royal (plural noun) again. I discovered a/an (adjective) land populated by fierce, red (plural noun), and I claimed them all in the name of the Spanish (noun).
ISABELLA: (Exclamation)! This will please my husband, (a person). What are these natives called?
COLUMBUS: They are called (plural noun), your majesty. They put (a liquid) on their faces and wear (plural noun) in their hair.
ISABELLA: You have made a/an (adjective) voyage, Columbus, and your (noun) will go down in history!
Heffalump said...
COLUMBUS: Queen Isabella, it is I, Christopher Columbus. I have returned after discovering a new route to Transylvania.
ISABELLA: That's news, Columbus. Did you bring back lots of silver and precious bats?
COLUMBUS: No, your majesty. But you'll never have to pawn the royal mummies again. I discovered a gothic land populated by fierce, red blood donors, and I claimed them all in the name of the Spanish hunchback.
ISABELLA: I vant to suck your blood, blah! This will please my husband, Dracula. What are these natives called?
COLUMBUS: They are called castles, your majesty. They put blood on their faces and wear pediatricians in their hair.
ISABELLA: You have made an hypnotic voyage, Columbus, and your victim will go down in history!
Millie said...
COLUMBUS: Queen Isabella, it is I, Christopher Columbus. I have returned after discovering a new route to Occupy Portland.
ISABELLA: That's news, Columbus. Did you bring back lots of silver and precious slipknots?
COLUMBUS: No, your majesty. But you'll never have to pawn the royal huge belches again. I discovered an incomprehensible land populated by fierce, red onion rings, and I claimed them all in the name of the Spanish cherry stem tied in a knot with one's tongue.
ISABELLA: Do whatever, Dittums! This will please my husband, Grant Staten III. What are these natives called?
COLUMBUS: They are called little April showers, your majesty. They put Spaghetti-o Surprise on their faces and wear Hillary hairdos in their hair.
ISABELLA: You have made a mortified by its mother voyage, Columbus, and your gas station attendant will go down in history!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Report by Student Protest Committee
Fellow Students of (full name of school)! We members of the Students for a/an (adjective) Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of (plural noun). He has just fired our friend, Professor (name of person in room), because he wore his (part of the body) long, and because he dressed in (article of clothing) and wore old (plural noun). Next week we are going to protest by taking over the (noun) building and kidnapping the Assistant (noun). We also will demand that all students have the right to wear (adjective) hair and (adjective) beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with (Plural noun)!"
Heffalump said...
Fellow Students of Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters)! We members of the Students for a Super Powered Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Villains. He has just fired our friend, Professor Logan, because he wore his claws long, and because he dressed in spandex unitards and wore old victims. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the motorcycle building and kidnapping the Assistant Jet. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear invisible hair and psychic beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with mutants!"
Millie said...
Fellow Students of BYWho?! We members of the Students for a Dirt-Covered Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Fiddlesticks. He has just fired our friend, Professor Angry Angus, because he wore his huge mole long, and because he dressed in a diaper and wore old burp rags. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the skankwad building and kidnapping the Assistant Hobo Trousers. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear fuzzy mammoth-resembling hair and lazy and unashamed beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with Chocolate Masques!"
Heffalump said...
Fellow Students of Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters)! We members of the Students for a Super Powered Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Villains. He has just fired our friend, Professor Logan, because he wore his claws long, and because he dressed in spandex unitards and wore old victims. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the motorcycle building and kidnapping the Assistant Jet. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear invisible hair and psychic beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with mutants!"
Millie said...
Fellow Students of BYWho?! We members of the Students for a Dirt-Covered Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Fiddlesticks. He has just fired our friend, Professor Angry Angus, because he wore his huge mole long, and because he dressed in a diaper and wore old burp rags. Next week we are going to protest by taking over the skankwad building and kidnapping the Assistant Hobo Trousers. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear fuzzy mammoth-resembling hair and lazy and unashamed beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with Chocolate Masques!"
Friday, September 30, 2011
Show and Tell
Today, I would like to show the class a/an (noun) I caught when I went (verb ending in ING) with my aunt. I had never fished before, but my aunt (adverb) taught me how to bait a hook with a/an (something alive) and then how to cast the (noun) into the (adjective) lake. I (verb) fishing!
My name is (person in room) and I would like to show the class this (adjective) (noun) from my mother's kitchen. My mother uses it every morning to fix my (something to eat). It is also useful if you are into (verb ending in ING) or if you want to slice up some (plural noun). If you want one, you can buy it at your local (noun) store for only (number) dollars.
Heffalump said...
Today, I would like to show the class a disintegrator ray I caught when I went boogeying with my aunt. I had never fished before, but my aunt stealthily taught me how to bait a hook with a velociraptor and then how to cast the pillow sham into the adroit lake. I dance fishing!
My name is Benjamin Franklin and I would like to show the class this condescending tiger shark from my mother's kitchen. My mother uses it every morning to fix my bean burrito. It is also useful if you are into frying or if you want to slice up some galoshes. If you want one, you can buy it at your local vitamin fortified cereal store for only 7.5 dollars.
Millie said...
Today, I would like to show the class a drip pan I caught when I went booing with my aunt. I had never fished before, but my aunt cup-tippingly taught me how to bait a hook with toenail fungus and then how to cast the unwanted hair into the funky lake. I froth at the mouth fishing!
My name is The Neighborhood Mime and I would like to show the class this emerald green clone of Selma Bouvier from my mother's kitchen. My mother uses it every morning to fix my bacon-wrapped Snickers bars. It is also useful if you are into mugging or if you want to slice up some uncomfortable pauses. If you want one, you can buy it at your local snot-nosed kid store for only 2736 dollars.
My name is (person in room) and I would like to show the class this (adjective) (noun) from my mother's kitchen. My mother uses it every morning to fix my (something to eat). It is also useful if you are into (verb ending in ING) or if you want to slice up some (plural noun). If you want one, you can buy it at your local (noun) store for only (number) dollars.
Heffalump said...
Today, I would like to show the class a disintegrator ray I caught when I went boogeying with my aunt. I had never fished before, but my aunt stealthily taught me how to bait a hook with a velociraptor and then how to cast the pillow sham into the adroit lake. I dance fishing!
My name is Benjamin Franklin and I would like to show the class this condescending tiger shark from my mother's kitchen. My mother uses it every morning to fix my bean burrito. It is also useful if you are into frying or if you want to slice up some galoshes. If you want one, you can buy it at your local vitamin fortified cereal store for only 7.5 dollars.
Millie said...
Today, I would like to show the class a drip pan I caught when I went booing with my aunt. I had never fished before, but my aunt cup-tippingly taught me how to bait a hook with toenail fungus and then how to cast the unwanted hair into the funky lake. I froth at the mouth fishing!
My name is The Neighborhood Mime and I would like to show the class this emerald green clone of Selma Bouvier from my mother's kitchen. My mother uses it every morning to fix my bacon-wrapped Snickers bars. It is also useful if you are into mugging or if you want to slice up some uncomfortable pauses. If you want one, you can buy it at your local snot-nosed kid store for only 2736 dollars.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Great Excuses For Being Late
Dear Physical Education Teacher,
Please excuse my son/daughter from missing (adjective) class yesterday. When (person in room) awakened yesterday, I could see that his/her nose was (adjective). He/She also complained of (part of the body) aches and having a sore (noun), and I took him/her to the family (noun). The doctor quickly diagnosed it to be the (number)-hour flu and suggested he/she take two (plural noun) with a glass of (liquid) and go to bed (adverb).
Dear Science Teacher,
Please excuse (person in room) for being late for your (adjective) class. It's my fault. I feel (adjective). (person in room) was up until the (adjective) hours of the morning completing his/her (adjective) project. Just as he/she was going out the (adjective) door, I noticed that his/her only pair of (plural noun) had a/an (noun) in them. It took me an hour to find my (plural noun) so I could see to (verb) the needle, enabling me to sew his/her (plural noun) back together.
Millie said...
Dear Physical Education Teacher,
Please excuse my son from missing blobby class yesterday. When Armitage awakened yesterday, I could see that his nose was chewed until unrecognizable. He also complained of stray hair aches and having a sore superfluous throw pillow, and I took him to the family old boyfriend. The doctor quickly diagnosed it to be the 2773-hour flu and suggested he take two toe rings with a glass of squash ooze and go to bed half-heartedly.
Dear Science Teacher,
Please excuse Hedwig for being late for your reconstituted class. It's my fault. I feel kitty-obsessed. Hedwig was up until the leatherlike hours of the morning completing her pink and fluffy project. Just as she was going out the rancid door, I noticed that her only pair of dinner menus had a ponytail in them. It took me an hour to find my bladder weaknesses so I could see to mince the needle, enabling me to sew her leering old men back together.
Please excuse my son/daughter from missing (adjective) class yesterday. When (person in room) awakened yesterday, I could see that his/her nose was (adjective). He/She also complained of (part of the body) aches and having a sore (noun), and I took him/her to the family (noun). The doctor quickly diagnosed it to be the (number)-hour flu and suggested he/she take two (plural noun) with a glass of (liquid) and go to bed (adverb).
Dear Science Teacher,
Please excuse (person in room) for being late for your (adjective) class. It's my fault. I feel (adjective). (person in room) was up until the (adjective) hours of the morning completing his/her (adjective) project. Just as he/she was going out the (adjective) door, I noticed that his/her only pair of (plural noun) had a/an (noun) in them. It took me an hour to find my (plural noun) so I could see to (verb) the needle, enabling me to sew his/her (plural noun) back together.
Millie said...
Dear Physical Education Teacher,
Please excuse my son from missing blobby class yesterday. When Armitage awakened yesterday, I could see that his nose was chewed until unrecognizable. He also complained of stray hair aches and having a sore superfluous throw pillow, and I took him to the family old boyfriend. The doctor quickly diagnosed it to be the 2773-hour flu and suggested he take two toe rings with a glass of squash ooze and go to bed half-heartedly.
Dear Science Teacher,
Please excuse Hedwig for being late for your reconstituted class. It's my fault. I feel kitty-obsessed. Hedwig was up until the leatherlike hours of the morning completing her pink and fluffy project. Just as she was going out the rancid door, I noticed that her only pair of dinner menus had a ponytail in them. It took me an hour to find my bladder weaknesses so I could see to mince the needle, enabling me to sew her leering old men back together.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Eat, Drink, and Be Sick
An inspector from the Department of Health and (noun) Services paid a surprise visit to our (adjective) school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our (adjective) dietician, was spaghetti and (noun)-balls with a choice of either a/an (noun) salad or french (plural noun). The inspector found the meat-(plural noun) to be overcooked and discovered a live (noun) in the fries, causing him to have a/an (part of the body)ache. In response, he threw up all over his (plural noun). In his report, the inspector (adverb) recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious (plural noun) as well as low-calorie (plural noun), and that all of the saturated (plural noun) be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a/an (letter of the alphabet)-minus.
Millie said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Very Catchy Kenny Rogers Tune Services paid a surprise visit to our steroid-using school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our Halloween-obsessed dietician, was spaghetti and snake tongue-balls with a choice of either an eraser salad or french tootsie-toesies. The inspector found the meat-garbage trucks to be overcooked and discovered a live eyeliner pencil in the fries, causing him to have a jugular vein ache. In response, he threw up all over his Warrior Dash participants. In his report, the inspector self-consciously recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious wedgie-givers as well as low-calorie brownie crumbs, and that all of the saturated disapproving old ladies be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a Q-minus.
Heffalump said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Capillary Services paid a surprise visit to our deep fried school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our menacing dietician, was spaghetti and rosebud-balls with a choice of either a nose hair salad or french otter pops. The inspector found the meat-weekend bingers to be overcooked and discovered a live corn fritter in the fries, causing him to have an ear cartilege ache. In response, he threw up all over his dance clubs. In his report, the inspector adroitly recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious disco balls as well as low-calorie DVDs, and that all of the saturated vintage lunch boxes be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a P-minus.
Millie said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Very Catchy Kenny Rogers Tune Services paid a surprise visit to our steroid-using school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our Halloween-obsessed dietician, was spaghetti and snake tongue-balls with a choice of either an eraser salad or french tootsie-toesies. The inspector found the meat-garbage trucks to be overcooked and discovered a live eyeliner pencil in the fries, causing him to have a jugular vein ache. In response, he threw up all over his Warrior Dash participants. In his report, the inspector self-consciously recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious wedgie-givers as well as low-calorie brownie crumbs, and that all of the saturated disapproving old ladies be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a Q-minus.
Heffalump said...
An inspector from the Department of Health and Capillary Services paid a surprise visit to our deep fried school cafeteria. The lunch special, prepared by our menacing dietician, was spaghetti and rosebud-balls with a choice of either a nose hair salad or french otter pops. The inspector found the meat-weekend bingers to be overcooked and discovered a live corn fritter in the fries, causing him to have an ear cartilege ache. In response, he threw up all over his dance clubs. In his report, the inspector adroitly recommended that the school cafeteria serve only nutritious disco balls as well as low-calorie DVDs, and that all of the saturated vintage lunch boxes be eliminated. He rated the cafeteria a P-minus.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Alice's Upside-Down World
Lewis Carroll's classic, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, as well as its (adjective) sequel, Through the Looking (noun), have enchanted both the young and the old (plural noun) for the last (number) years. Alice's (adjective) adventures begin when she (verb ending in S) down a/an (adjective) hole and lands in a strange and topsy-turvy (noun). There she discovers she can become a tall (noun) or a small (noun) simply by nibbling on alternate sides of a magic (noun). In her travels through Wonderland, Alice (verb ending in S) such remarkable characters as the White (noun), the (adjective) Hatter, the Cheshire (noun), and even the Queen of (plural noun). Unfortunately, Alice's adventures come to a/an (adjective) end when Alice awakens from her (noun).
Millie said...
Lewis Carroll's classic, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, as well as its exacting sequel, Through the Looking Nose/Finger Magnet, have enchanted both the young and the old finger cymbals for the last 183 years. Alice's monstrous adventures begin when she rips down a suffering-from-allergies hole and lands in a strange and topsy-turvy six-shooter. There she discovers she can become a tall little deuce coupe or a small angry crocodile simply by nibbling on alternate sides of a magic OMSI frequenter. In her travels through Wonderland, Alice toots such remarkable characters as the White Taskmaster, the Yellow with a Questionable Substance Hatter, the Cheshire Wheel of Fish, and even the Queen of Family Crest Tattoos. Unfortunately, Alice's adventures come to an unsure end when Alice awakens from her umbilical cord necklace.
Heffalump said...
Lewis Carroll's classic, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, as well as its didactic sequel, Through the Looking Twine, have enchanted both the young and the old flip flops for the last 17 years. Alice's creative adventures begin when she grimaces down a splendorous hole and lands in a strange and topsy-turvy chair lashed during a boy scout campout. There she discovers she can become a tall jet engine or a small sock monkey simply by nibbling on alternate sides of a magic shoe box. In her travels through Wonderland, Alice sprays such remarkable characters as the White Glue Stick, the Smelly Hatter, the Cheshire Ladder, and even the Queen of Tartans. Unfortunately, Alice's adventures come to an avocado green end when Alice awakens from her crayon.
Millie said...
Lewis Carroll's classic, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, as well as its exacting sequel, Through the Looking Nose/Finger Magnet, have enchanted both the young and the old finger cymbals for the last 183 years. Alice's monstrous adventures begin when she rips down a suffering-from-allergies hole and lands in a strange and topsy-turvy six-shooter. There she discovers she can become a tall little deuce coupe or a small angry crocodile simply by nibbling on alternate sides of a magic OMSI frequenter. In her travels through Wonderland, Alice toots such remarkable characters as the White Taskmaster, the Yellow with a Questionable Substance Hatter, the Cheshire Wheel of Fish, and even the Queen of Family Crest Tattoos. Unfortunately, Alice's adventures come to an unsure end when Alice awakens from her umbilical cord necklace.
Heffalump said...
Lewis Carroll's classic, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, as well as its didactic sequel, Through the Looking Twine, have enchanted both the young and the old flip flops for the last 17 years. Alice's creative adventures begin when she grimaces down a splendorous hole and lands in a strange and topsy-turvy chair lashed during a boy scout campout. There she discovers she can become a tall jet engine or a small sock monkey simply by nibbling on alternate sides of a magic shoe box. In her travels through Wonderland, Alice sprays such remarkable characters as the White Glue Stick, the Smelly Hatter, the Cheshire Ladder, and even the Queen of Tartans. Unfortunately, Alice's adventures come to an avocado green end when Alice awakens from her crayon.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Little Red Riding Hood
One day, Little (color) Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of (plural noun) for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big (adjective) wolf. "(Exclamation)!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little (silly word)?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf (verb, past tense) away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "What big (plural noun) you have." "The better to (verb) you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big (plural noun) you have." And then she said, "What big (plural noun) you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.
Millie said...
One day, Little Mustard Yellow Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of insubordinates for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big carmelized wolf. "Well slurp me sideways!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little dropopple?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf ricocheted away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "What big flashdancers you have." "The better to delouse you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big man boobs you have." And then she said, "What big dog attack suits you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.
Heffalump said...
One day, Little Tangerine Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of pirated DVDs for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big perfunctory wolf. "Chicken Butt!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little wigwam?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf tortured away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "What big varicose veins you have." "The better to shake you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big artificial sweeteners you have." And then she said, "What big flesh-eating zombies you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.
Millie said...
One day, Little Mustard Yellow Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of insubordinates for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big carmelized wolf. "Well slurp me sideways!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little dropopple?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf ricocheted away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "What big flashdancers you have." "The better to delouse you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big man boobs you have." And then she said, "What big dog attack suits you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.
Heffalump said...
One day, Little Tangerine Riding Hood was going through the forest carrying a basket of pirated DVDs for her grandmother. Suddenly, she met a big perfunctory wolf. "Chicken Butt!" said the wolf. "Where are you going, little wigwam?" "I'm going to my grandmother's house," she said. Then the wolf tortured away. When Miss Riding Hood got to her grandmother's house, the wolf was in bed dressed like her grandmother. "My, Grandmother," she said, "What big varicose veins you have." "The better to shake you with," said the wolf. "And Grandmother," she said, "what big artificial sweeteners you have." And then she said, "What big flesh-eating zombies you have, Grandmother." But the wolf said nothing. He had just died of indigestion from eating Grandmother.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Alexander the Great
In 356 BC, Phillip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby (noun) named Alexander. Alexander's teacher was Aristotle, the famous (noun). When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by (celebrity), after which he became (noun) of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated (celebrity) at the battle of (a place). Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory over Darius the Third. This made him (noun) (silly word) over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his (plural noun) died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much (liquid), and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the (part of the body). His last words are reported to have been, "There are no more (plural noun) to conquer."
Millie said...
In 356 BC, Phillip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby lady who gets mad if you tell her her slip is showing named Alexander. Alexander's teacher was Aristotle, the famous unidentified moldy object. When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by Dylan McKay, after which he became shrimp cocktail of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated Brandon Walsh at the battle of Sordidville, CA. Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory over Darius the Third. This made him flagellum a gooey gooey gooey over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his seamed stockings died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much mysterious goo, and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the toe. His last words are reported to have been, "There are no more strawberry tarts to conquer."
Heffalump said...
In 356 BC, Phillip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby hummus named Alexander. Alexander's teacher was Aristotle, the famous guest star on Martha Stewart. When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by Mike the Headless Chicken, after which he became Pillsbury dough boy of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated Pauly Shore at the battle of Fruita. Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory over Darius the Third. This made him half-eaten sandwich farfegnugen over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his sea monkeys died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much beaten egg, and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the thumb knuckle. His last words are reported to have been, "There are no more family trees to conquer."
Klin said...
In 356 BC, Phillip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby nose picking 3rd grader named Alexander. Alexander's teacher was Aristotle, the famous trail mix. When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by Avril Lavigne, after which he became stuffed hippopotamus of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated Taylor Lautner at the battle of Campus Dorm. Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory over Darius the Third. This made him smelly old gym bag sexified over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his partay supplies died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much Dreft detergent, and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the cuticle. His last words are reported to have been, "There are no more school fees to conquer."
Millie said...
In 356 BC, Phillip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby lady who gets mad if you tell her her slip is showing named Alexander. Alexander's teacher was Aristotle, the famous unidentified moldy object. When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by Dylan McKay, after which he became shrimp cocktail of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated Brandon Walsh at the battle of Sordidville, CA. Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory over Darius the Third. This made him flagellum a gooey gooey gooey over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his seamed stockings died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much mysterious goo, and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the toe. His last words are reported to have been, "There are no more strawberry tarts to conquer."
Heffalump said...
In 356 BC, Phillip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby hummus named Alexander. Alexander's teacher was Aristotle, the famous guest star on Martha Stewart. When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by Mike the Headless Chicken, after which he became Pillsbury dough boy of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated Pauly Shore at the battle of Fruita. Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory over Darius the Third. This made him half-eaten sandwich farfegnugen over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his sea monkeys died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much beaten egg, and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the thumb knuckle. His last words are reported to have been, "There are no more family trees to conquer."
Klin said...
In 356 BC, Phillip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby nose picking 3rd grader named Alexander. Alexander's teacher was Aristotle, the famous trail mix. When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by Avril Lavigne, after which he became stuffed hippopotamus of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated Taylor Lautner at the battle of Campus Dorm. Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory over Darius the Third. This made him smelly old gym bag sexified over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his partay supplies died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much Dreft detergent, and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the cuticle. His last words are reported to have been, "There are no more school fees to conquer."
Monday, August 15, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
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Fluffychicky said...
Seeking a new career? Be a scabby elbow or just look like one! In just 27 sessions, we can have you wafting, spanking and gouging like a top-paying gouty left leg. Opportunities in this flatulent field are limitless. There is no fee! Just come in for a free consultation. Our expert studmuffins will analyze your "special" brownies and determine your potential for success in this giddy as a schoolboy field. Use your natural Madmartigan to earn hen-pecked money and have time to masticate your dreams too. Just ask Helga, who came to us looking like a partially dissected fetal pig out of John Cleese's mustache trimmings, and in just ten days we improved her sewer system 100%. We even corrected her slightly used Q-tip. It was just in the nick of time because the Flibbertigibbet Squad was ready to ban her from the sociopathic yoga instructor. Don't wait another day. Time is running out.
Millie said...
Seeking a new career? Be a live toad or just look like one! In just 372 sessions, we can have you slipping, sassing and discussing like a top-paying split pea soup disaster. Opportunities in this resentfully submissive field are limitless. There is no fee! Just come in for a free consultation. Our expert jumbo shrimp will analyze your eye muscle spasm and determine your potential for success in this red and chapped field. Use your natural fit-throwing clinic patient to earn brain-destroying money and have time to expostulate your dreams too. Just ask Slapped Silly Sally, who came to us looking like a toy poodle out of Benadryl addict, and in just ten days we improved her shopping bag snob 100%. We even corrected her poisonous mushroom. It was just in the nick of time because the Gobby-Gobby Squad was ready to ban her from the toe. Don't wait another day. Time is running out.
Fluffychicky said...
Seeking a new career? Be a scabby elbow or just look like one! In just 27 sessions, we can have you wafting, spanking and gouging like a top-paying gouty left leg. Opportunities in this flatulent field are limitless. There is no fee! Just come in for a free consultation. Our expert studmuffins will analyze your "special" brownies and determine your potential for success in this giddy as a schoolboy field. Use your natural Madmartigan to earn hen-pecked money and have time to masticate your dreams too. Just ask Helga, who came to us looking like a partially dissected fetal pig out of John Cleese's mustache trimmings, and in just ten days we improved her sewer system 100%. We even corrected her slightly used Q-tip. It was just in the nick of time because the Flibbertigibbet Squad was ready to ban her from the sociopathic yoga instructor. Don't wait another day. Time is running out.
Millie said...
Seeking a new career? Be a live toad or just look like one! In just 372 sessions, we can have you slipping, sassing and discussing like a top-paying split pea soup disaster. Opportunities in this resentfully submissive field are limitless. There is no fee! Just come in for a free consultation. Our expert jumbo shrimp will analyze your eye muscle spasm and determine your potential for success in this red and chapped field. Use your natural fit-throwing clinic patient to earn brain-destroying money and have time to expostulate your dreams too. Just ask Slapped Silly Sally, who came to us looking like a toy poodle out of Benadryl addict, and in just ten days we improved her shopping bag snob 100%. We even corrected her poisonous mushroom. It was just in the nick of time because the Gobby-Gobby Squad was ready to ban her from the toe. Don't wait another day. Time is running out.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Stacy's Bridal Shower
I wrote this for my cousin's kitchen-themed shower. :)
Welcome, (adjective) family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very (adjective) marriage with many happy (plural noun) to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is (a food), especially if it has (an animal) in it. She first tasted it at a/an (adjective) Smith family reunion held in (a location) and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with a (color) (adjective) salad and some (adverb) (verb, past tense) bread. Yes, it's a/an (adjective) family tradition. It's prepared by (verb ending in ING) the juice of a (a fruit) and mixing it in a (noun) full of mashed (food). Then it's baked in a (number)-degree oven for (number) minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the (kitchen utensil), the (kitchen utensil) and a/an (adjective) (noun). You can substitute a (noun) in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too (adjective). At any rate, we wish Stacy many (adjective) adventures in her (room of the house) and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Klin said...
Welcome, stormy family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very zesty marriage with many happy days to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is Rice Krispie treats, especially if it has crab in it. She first tasted it at a pixie-like Smith family reunion held at San Diego Zoo and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with an orange hard-as-nails salad and some utterly shocked bread. Yes, it's a crazed family tradition. It's prepared by playing the juice of a banana and mixing it in a dog crate full of mashed peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Then it's baked in a 36-degree oven for 29 minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the whisk, the cutting knife and an orange umbrella. You can substitute a pen in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too hyper. At any rate, we wish Stacy many obnoxious adventures in her master closet and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Millie said...
Welcome, bongo-playing family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very shrimpish marriage with many happy toenail clippers to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is Cheerios, especially if it has a mud wasp in it. She first tasted it at a twisted and evil Smith family reunion held in the backyard and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with a sky blue wibble-wobbling salad and some coercingly swatted bread. Yes, it's a sarcastically laughing family tradition. It's prepared by gesturing to the juice of a kumquat and mixing it in a Nintendo DS full of mashed mandarin oranges. Then it's baked in a 273-degree oven for pi minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the melon baller, the paper towel holder and a drippy-pitted questionable cottage cheese. You can substitute a Yahtzee game in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too regular and happy about it. At any rate, we wish Stacy many chartreuse adventures in her broom closet and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Heffalump said...
Welcome, gyrating family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very sympathetic marriage with many happy stilettos to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is mini quiche, especially if it has bengal tiger in it. She first tasted it at a green with envy Smith family reunion held in Calvin and Hobbes' treehouse and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with a fuschia spade-like salad and some despairingly pranced bread. Yes, it's a maximized family tradition. It's prepared by leaping over the juice of a kumquat and mixing it in a gorilla glue full of mashed escargot. Then it's baked in a .173-degree oven for 7568 minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the corn cob holder, the egg slicer and a nimble pony. You can substitute a strawberry shortcake in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too over the top. At any rate, we wish Stacy many demonstrative adventures in her secret lab and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Welcome, (adjective) family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very (adjective) marriage with many happy (plural noun) to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is (a food), especially if it has (an animal) in it. She first tasted it at a/an (adjective) Smith family reunion held in (a location) and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with a (color) (adjective) salad and some (adverb) (verb, past tense) bread. Yes, it's a/an (adjective) family tradition. It's prepared by (verb ending in ING) the juice of a (a fruit) and mixing it in a (noun) full of mashed (food). Then it's baked in a (number)-degree oven for (number) minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the (kitchen utensil), the (kitchen utensil) and a/an (adjective) (noun). You can substitute a (noun) in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too (adjective). At any rate, we wish Stacy many (adjective) adventures in her (room of the house) and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Klin said...
Welcome, stormy family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very zesty marriage with many happy days to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is Rice Krispie treats, especially if it has crab in it. She first tasted it at a pixie-like Smith family reunion held at San Diego Zoo and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with an orange hard-as-nails salad and some utterly shocked bread. Yes, it's a crazed family tradition. It's prepared by playing the juice of a banana and mixing it in a dog crate full of mashed peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Then it's baked in a 36-degree oven for 29 minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the whisk, the cutting knife and an orange umbrella. You can substitute a pen in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too hyper. At any rate, we wish Stacy many obnoxious adventures in her master closet and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Millie said...
Welcome, bongo-playing family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very shrimpish marriage with many happy toenail clippers to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is Cheerios, especially if it has a mud wasp in it. She first tasted it at a twisted and evil Smith family reunion held in the backyard and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with a sky blue wibble-wobbling salad and some coercingly swatted bread. Yes, it's a sarcastically laughing family tradition. It's prepared by gesturing to the juice of a kumquat and mixing it in a Nintendo DS full of mashed mandarin oranges. Then it's baked in a 273-degree oven for pi minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the melon baller, the paper towel holder and a drippy-pitted questionable cottage cheese. You can substitute a Yahtzee game in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too regular and happy about it. At any rate, we wish Stacy many chartreuse adventures in her broom closet and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Heffalump said...
Welcome, gyrating family and friends, to Stacy's wedding shower. We all wish her and Michael a very sympathetic marriage with many happy stilettos to come. One thing you might not know about Stacy is that her favorite food is mini quiche, especially if it has bengal tiger in it. She first tasted it at a green with envy Smith family reunion held in Calvin and Hobbes' treehouse and hasn't stopped eating it since. Usually she eats it with a fuschia spade-like salad and some despairingly pranced bread. Yes, it's a maximized family tradition. It's prepared by leaping over the juice of a kumquat and mixing it in a gorilla glue full of mashed escargot. Then it's baked in a .173-degree oven for 7568 minutes. It's made by using several important utensils, such as the corn cob holder, the egg slicer and a nimble pony. You can substitute a strawberry shortcake in a pinch, but this is not recommended as things might get a little too over the top. At any rate, we wish Stacy many demonstrative adventures in her secret lab and great times in her kitchen! We love you Stace!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Waitress and Customer
Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a (noun), I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is (an animal) sauteed in cream of (noun) soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime (plural noun) of beef with the (adjective) pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin (noun) and a/an (adjective) salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the (adjective) fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried (noun)?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island (noun)?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our (adjective) goulash with homemade (noun) sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a/an (adjective) egg sandwich and a cup of black (liquid)!
Heffalump said...
Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a genealogy, I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is bunny sauteed in cream of Babybel Cheese soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime Mad Libs of beef with the awesome pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin Birkenstock and an intelligent salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the funny fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried daisy?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island playlist?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our wonderful goulash with homemade bandana sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a sometimes inappropriate egg sandwich and a cup of black emergency water!
Millie said...
Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a day camp T-shirt, I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is blue jay sauteed in cream of gimp soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime fat, yelling Cub Scout leaders of beef with the rotten pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin Saturn model and a covered in poison oak salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the disobedient fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried farting slime toy?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island forgotten lunch?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our drizzling goulash with homemade annoying staffer sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a Valium-swilling egg sandwich and a cup of black egg whites!
Waitress: Today's special is (an animal) sauteed in cream of (noun) soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime (plural noun) of beef with the (adjective) pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin (noun) and a/an (adjective) salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the (adjective) fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried (noun)?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island (noun)?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our (adjective) goulash with homemade (noun) sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a/an (adjective) egg sandwich and a cup of black (liquid)!
Heffalump said...
Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a genealogy, I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is bunny sauteed in cream of Babybel Cheese soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime Mad Libs of beef with the awesome pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin Birkenstock and an intelligent salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the funny fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried daisy?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island playlist?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our wonderful goulash with homemade bandana sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a sometimes inappropriate egg sandwich and a cup of black emergency water!
Millie said...
Customer: Oh waitress! Would you please bring me a day camp T-shirt, I want to see what today's special is.
Waitress: Today's special is blue jay sauteed in cream of gimp soup. Does that sound good?
Customer: No, I'll have the roast prime fat, yelling Cub Scout leaders of beef with the rotten pudding.
Waitress: We're out of that. How about a sizzling sirloin Saturn model and a covered in poison oak salad?
Customer: No thanks, I'd rather have the disobedient fried chicken.
Waitress: Sorry, but we're out of that too. How about fried farting slime toy?
Customer: No thanks. Do you have any roast Long Island forgotten lunch?
Waitress: No, but why don't you try our drizzling goulash with homemade annoying staffer sauce?
Customer: Oh, never mind. Just bring me a Valium-swilling egg sandwich and a cup of black egg whites!
Friday, July 15, 2011
A Card From Camp
Dear Folks,
Camp is great! I love all the (plural noun) in my tent. I have become as close as two (plural noun) in a pod with (person in room - full name), who has a/an (adjective) personality and is never without a/an (noun). He/She tells really (adjective) stories which make all of us (verb) out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long (noun), but this morning I washed my shirts and (article of clothing - plural) and put them out to dry on the clothes (noun), and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and (plural noun). I better get off my (noun) and get my (plural noun) off the (noun) line before I run out of (adjective) underwear. I promise to write a letter full of (plural noun) before my (part of the body) hits the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.
Your loving (noun),
(Another person in room)
Millie said...
Dear Folks,
Camp is great! I love all the mammograms in my tent. I have become as close as two Crayola Twistables in a pod with Split Lip Linda, who has a kinked up personality and is never without a hammer dropped on a toe. She tells really scrub-needing stories which make all of us spaz out, out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long bowling ball, but this morning I washed my shirts and codpieces and put them out to dry on the clothes Christmas crowbar, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and potato eyes. I better get off my chubby little man and get my blueberry daiquiris off the bowline knot line before I run out of superfluous underwear. I promise to write a letter full of Bermuda shorts before my nose balls hit the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.
Your loving cactus needle,
Sammy Davis, Sr.
Heffalump said...
Dear Folks,
Camp is great! I love all the rutabagas in my tent. I have become as close as two tractors in a pod with Farmer Inna Dell, who has a squash-like personality and is never without a hoedown. She tells really John Deere green stories which make all of us spin out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long barn raising, but this morning I washed my shirts and overalls and put them out to dry on the clothes spade, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and scarecrows. I better get off my mule and get my fenceposts off the hen house line before I run out of underwear. I promise to write a letter full of seeds before my bunion hits the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.
Your loving prize winning pig,
Martha
Camp is great! I love all the (plural noun) in my tent. I have become as close as two (plural noun) in a pod with (person in room - full name), who has a/an (adjective) personality and is never without a/an (noun). He/She tells really (adjective) stories which make all of us (verb) out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long (noun), but this morning I washed my shirts and (article of clothing - plural) and put them out to dry on the clothes (noun), and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and (plural noun). I better get off my (noun) and get my (plural noun) off the (noun) line before I run out of (adjective) underwear. I promise to write a letter full of (plural noun) before my (part of the body) hits the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.
Your loving (noun),
(Another person in room)
Millie said...
Dear Folks,
Camp is great! I love all the mammograms in my tent. I have become as close as two Crayola Twistables in a pod with Split Lip Linda, who has a kinked up personality and is never without a hammer dropped on a toe. She tells really scrub-needing stories which make all of us spaz out, out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long bowling ball, but this morning I washed my shirts and codpieces and put them out to dry on the clothes Christmas crowbar, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and potato eyes. I better get off my chubby little man and get my blueberry daiquiris off the bowline knot line before I run out of superfluous underwear. I promise to write a letter full of Bermuda shorts before my nose balls hit the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.
Your loving cactus needle,
Sammy Davis, Sr.
Heffalump said...
Dear Folks,
Camp is great! I love all the rutabagas in my tent. I have become as close as two tractors in a pod with Farmer Inna Dell, who has a squash-like personality and is never without a hoedown. She tells really John Deere green stories which make all of us spin out loud. I have to stop writing now. I know I promised a long barn raising, but this morning I washed my shirts and overalls and put them out to dry on the clothes spade, and it looks like it's getting ready to rain cats and scarecrows. I better get off my mule and get my fenceposts off the hen house line before I run out of underwear. I promise to write a letter full of seeds before my bunion hits the pillow tonight... or tomorrow... or maybe I'll write Tuesday.
Your loving prize winning pig,
Martha
Friday, July 8, 2011
Letters Parents Hope Get Lost in the Mail
Dear Folks,
I'm in L.A. It is (adverb) awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest (noun). He plays (noun) with a (adjective) band. He has (color) hair and wears a (noun) in his (part of body). I can't wait for you to meet (name of man), the (noun) of my dreams.
Your (adjective) daughter,
(Name of woman)
Dear Folks,
Please send money as (adverb) as possible. I found a really great surf (noun) for only 150 (Plural noun). I borrowed the money from my (adjective) girlfriend, who is a life (noun) at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-(part of body) waves. Although she is (number) years older than I am, I know she's the right (noun) for me.
Your (adjective) son,
(name of man) (known to my beach friends as The (animal))
Dear Folks,
For your information, I broke my (part of body) surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my (part of body). You'll (verb) it!
Signed, The (same animal)
Millie said...
Dear Folks,
I'm in L.A. It is oppressively awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest annoying soup slurp. He plays bored six-year-old with a hairy band. He has purple hair and wears a pair of Hanes briefs in his saliva gland. I can't wait for you to meet I. Lean Sideways, the Nervous Nellie of my dreams.
Your fat daughter,
Marcia
Dear Folks,
Please send money as while shrink-wrapped as possible. I found a really great surf craisin for only 150 slap-worthy whiners. I borrowed the money from my pasty girlfriend, who is a life-Charlie Brown hairdo at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-pancreas waves. Although she is 38 years older than I am, I know she's the right pig snout for me.
Your dimpled son,
Roger U. Roundly (known to my beach friends as The Jabiru)
Dear Folks,
For your information, I broke my eyelid surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my scalp. You'll pontificate it!
Signed, The Jabiru
Heffalump said...
Dear Folks,
I'm in L.A. It is obtusely awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest root canal. He plays popcorn hull with an afflicted with halitosis band. He has yellow hair and wears a drill in his wisdom tooth. I can't wait for you to meet Steve, the molar of my dreams.
Your sparkling daughter,
Hilda
Dear Folks,
Please send money as firmly as possible. I found a really great surf mouthwash for only 150 dollars. I borrowed the money from my foamy girlfriend, who is a life retainer at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-tongue waves. Although she is 807 years older than I am, I know she's the right floss for me.
Your tingly son,
Brian (known to my beach friends as The Saber Tooth Tiger)
Dear Folks,
For your information, I broke my jaw surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my gumline. You'll scrape it!
Signed, The Saber Tooth Tiger
I'm in L.A. It is (adverb) awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest (noun). He plays (noun) with a (adjective) band. He has (color) hair and wears a (noun) in his (part of body). I can't wait for you to meet (name of man), the (noun) of my dreams.
Your (adjective) daughter,
(Name of woman)
Dear Folks,
Please send money as (adverb) as possible. I found a really great surf (noun) for only 150 (Plural noun). I borrowed the money from my (adjective) girlfriend, who is a life (noun) at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-(part of body) waves. Although she is (number) years older than I am, I know she's the right (noun) for me.
Your (adjective) son,
(name of man) (known to my beach friends as The (animal))
Dear Folks,
For your information, I broke my (part of body) surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my (part of body). You'll (verb) it!
Signed, The (same animal)
Millie said...
Dear Folks,
I'm in L.A. It is oppressively awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest annoying soup slurp. He plays bored six-year-old with a hairy band. He has purple hair and wears a pair of Hanes briefs in his saliva gland. I can't wait for you to meet I. Lean Sideways, the Nervous Nellie of my dreams.
Your fat daughter,
Marcia
Dear Folks,
Please send money as while shrink-wrapped as possible. I found a really great surf craisin for only 150 slap-worthy whiners. I borrowed the money from my pasty girlfriend, who is a life-Charlie Brown hairdo at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-pancreas waves. Although she is 38 years older than I am, I know she's the right pig snout for me.
Your dimpled son,
Roger U. Roundly (known to my beach friends as The Jabiru)
Dear Folks,
For your information, I broke my eyelid surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my scalp. You'll pontificate it!
Signed, The Jabiru
Heffalump said...
Dear Folks,
I'm in L.A. It is obtusely awesome. Yesterday, I met the greatest root canal. He plays popcorn hull with an afflicted with halitosis band. He has yellow hair and wears a drill in his wisdom tooth. I can't wait for you to meet Steve, the molar of my dreams.
Your sparkling daughter,
Hilda
Dear Folks,
Please send money as firmly as possible. I found a really great surf mouthwash for only 150 dollars. I borrowed the money from my foamy girlfriend, who is a life retainer at the beach and is teaching me to surf nine-tongue waves. Although she is 807 years older than I am, I know she's the right floss for me.
Your tingly son,
Brian (known to my beach friends as The Saber Tooth Tiger)
Dear Folks,
For your information, I broke my jaw surfing, so I returned the surfboard.
P.S. I used the money to get a tattoo on my gumline. You'll scrape it!
Signed, The Saber Tooth Tiger
Friday, July 1, 2011
Father Goose Rhymes
Old Mother Hubbard went to the (noun)
To get her (adjective) (noun) a bone.
When she got there, the (noun) was (adjective),
And so her (adjective) dog had none.
Jack and Jill went up the (noun)
To fetch a/an (container) of water.
Jack fell down and broke his (noun)
And Jill came tumbling after.
There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her (noun).
When she was (adjective), she was very, very (adjective),
And when she was bad, she was (adjective).
There was a/an (adjective) woman
Who (verb, past tense) in a shoe.
She had so many (plural noun)
She didn't know what to do.
Darn It Janet said...
Old Mother Hubbard went to the snot drip
To get her sick of peanut butter but won't eat anything else, persistent nagging cough a bone.
When she got there, the empty candy wrapper was gaggy,
And so her paper-thin dog had none.
Jack and Jill went up the platypus
To fetch a farty ketchup bottle of water.
Jack fell down and broke his giant vat
And Jill came tumbling after.
There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her closet Marxist.
When she was horse-laughing, she was very, very splotchy,
And when she was bad, she was omnipotent.
There was a wavering in her resolve woman
Who seethed in a shoe.
She had so many rabid mutts
She didn't know what to do.
To get her (adjective) (noun) a bone.
When she got there, the (noun) was (adjective),
And so her (adjective) dog had none.
Jack and Jill went up the (noun)
To fetch a/an (container) of water.
Jack fell down and broke his (noun)
And Jill came tumbling after.
There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her (noun).
When she was (adjective), she was very, very (adjective),
And when she was bad, she was (adjective).
There was a/an (adjective) woman
Who (verb, past tense) in a shoe.
She had so many (plural noun)
She didn't know what to do.
Darn It Janet said...
Old Mother Hubbard went to the snot drip
To get her sick of peanut butter but won't eat anything else, persistent nagging cough a bone.
When she got there, the empty candy wrapper was gaggy,
And so her paper-thin dog had none.
Jack and Jill went up the platypus
To fetch a farty ketchup bottle of water.
Jack fell down and broke his giant vat
And Jill came tumbling after.
There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her closet Marxist.
When she was horse-laughing, she was very, very splotchy,
And when she was bad, she was omnipotent.
There was a wavering in her resolve woman
Who seethed in a shoe.
She had so many rabid mutts
She didn't know what to do.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Pool Rools
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this (noun) or soak in our (adjective) spa, you must follow these (adjective) rules.
1. No nude (verb ending in ING) allowed. Men must wear (adjective) shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing (plural nouns) or (adjective) bikinis.
2. No (plural noun) under the age of (number) are allowed in the (noun) unless accompanied by a (noun).
3. (verb ending in ING) in the pool is only permitted in the (adjective) end and only when a life-(noun) is on duty.
4. People with (adjective) hair must wear bathing (plural noun).
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, (adverb) cover your arms, legs, and (part of the body) with a (adjective) lotion. You don't want to get a (noun) burn!
Have a (adjective) day!
Millie said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this enormous Nyquil capsule or soak in our needle-nosed spa, you must follow these lobster-resembling rules.
1. No nude gouging allowed. Men must wear trembling shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing lamb tongues or searched at the airport bikinis.
2. No deftly aiming pigeons under the age of 28 are allowed in the sharpened stick unless accompanied by a piano concerto.
3. Squawking in the pool is only permitted in the spanking fresh end and only when a life-screaming-for-water houseplant is on duty.
4. People with uncertain hair must wear bathing garden weeds.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, backwardly cover your arms, legs, and aorta with a dresses in period costumes for no discernible reason lotion. You don't want to get a botched nose job burn!
Have a Star Trek-avoiding day!
Heffalump said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this dilapidated barn or soak in our besmirched spa, you must follow these rugged rules.
1. No nude pleading allowed. Men must wear travel stained shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing prescriptions or imperialistic bikinis.
2. No subscriptions under the age of 72 are allowed in the grandfather clock unless accompanied by an empty tissue box.
3. Gesturing in the pool is only permitted in the germ ridden end and only when a life-nasal spray is on duty.
4. People with weathered hair must wear bathing inscriptions.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, gracefully cover your arms, legs, and earlobe with a musky lotion. You don't want to get a stopwatch burn!
Have an idiotic day!
If you want to swim in this (noun) or soak in our (adjective) spa, you must follow these (adjective) rules.
1. No nude (verb ending in ING) allowed. Men must wear (adjective) shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing (plural nouns) or (adjective) bikinis.
2. No (plural noun) under the age of (number) are allowed in the (noun) unless accompanied by a (noun).
3. (verb ending in ING) in the pool is only permitted in the (adjective) end and only when a life-(noun) is on duty.
4. People with (adjective) hair must wear bathing (plural noun).
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, (adverb) cover your arms, legs, and (part of the body) with a (adjective) lotion. You don't want to get a (noun) burn!
Have a (adjective) day!
Millie said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this enormous Nyquil capsule or soak in our needle-nosed spa, you must follow these lobster-resembling rules.
1. No nude gouging allowed. Men must wear trembling shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing lamb tongues or searched at the airport bikinis.
2. No deftly aiming pigeons under the age of 28 are allowed in the sharpened stick unless accompanied by a piano concerto.
3. Squawking in the pool is only permitted in the spanking fresh end and only when a life-screaming-for-water houseplant is on duty.
4. People with uncertain hair must wear bathing garden weeds.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, backwardly cover your arms, legs, and aorta with a dresses in period costumes for no discernible reason lotion. You don't want to get a botched nose job burn!
Have a Star Trek-avoiding day!
Heffalump said...
ATTENTION ALL SWIMMERS!
If you want to swim in this dilapidated barn or soak in our besmirched spa, you must follow these rugged rules.
1. No nude pleading allowed. Men must wear travel stained shorts, and women must wear one-piece bathing prescriptions or imperialistic bikinis.
2. No subscriptions under the age of 72 are allowed in the grandfather clock unless accompanied by an empty tissue box.
3. Gesturing in the pool is only permitted in the germ ridden end and only when a life-nasal spray is on duty.
4. People with weathered hair must wear bathing inscriptions.
WARNING! If you plan to sunbathe, gracefully cover your arms, legs, and earlobe with a musky lotion. You don't want to get a stopwatch burn!
Have an idiotic day!
Friday, June 17, 2011
A Commercial Message from the Sponsor
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look (adjective) and (adjective)?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth (adjective) after only (number) brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-(liquid)," a secret ingredient known to your (adjective) druggist as (name of a toothpaste). Chomp attacks the (adjective) acids in your mouth and leaves your breath (adjective) and (adjective). It will make your (noun) feel (adjective) and will also stimulate your (plural noun). Always keep the familiar (color) tube of Chomp handy in your (noun).
And now, back to our western program, "Have (noun), Will Travel!"
Millie said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look drop-kicked and addicted to Sims?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth plastic and transparent after only 38 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-slurp," a secret ingredient known to your unimaginably stenchy druggist as Colgate. Chomp attacks the bird-chirping acids in your mouth and leaves your breath blowin' in the wind and best forgotten. It will make your potty goer feel cheap and will also stimulate your runaway hogs. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your misfit toy.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Philatelist, Will Travel!"
Heffalump said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look preposterous and bewildered?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth besmirched after only 71 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-carrot juice," a secret ingredient known to your wildebeest-like druggist as Plaquenator Plus Whitening. Chomp attacks the numb acids in your mouth and leaves your breath expensive and dandelion yellow. It will make your battery feel fizzy and will also stimulate your singed eyebrows. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your fishing pole.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Olympic Badminton Coach, Will Travel!"
J-Dog said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look twitchy and demonic?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth odd after only 1,234,000,015.76 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-teriyaki sauce," a secret ingredient known to your bloodshot druggist as Lady Gaga's Signature Plaque Away. Chomp attacks the inhumane acids in your mouth and leaves your breath rabid and smelly. It will make your light bulb feel constipated and will also stimulate your severed Muppet heads. Always keep the familiar puce tube of Chomp handy in your moldy kimono.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Nyquil Sleepy Time Smoothie, Will Travel!"
Klin said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look orange and cheesy?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth ridiculous after only 24 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-shampoo," a secret ingredient known to your super-dee-duper druggist as Crest 3D. Chomp attacks the sweaty acids in your mouth and leaves your breath fastidious and fatigued. It will make your speeding train feel rushing and will also stimulate your smelly 30 year old home canned peaches. Always keep the familiar chartreuse tube of Chomp handy in your long-freaking day.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Lighthouse, Will Travel!"
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth (adjective) after only (number) brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-(liquid)," a secret ingredient known to your (adjective) druggist as (name of a toothpaste). Chomp attacks the (adjective) acids in your mouth and leaves your breath (adjective) and (adjective). It will make your (noun) feel (adjective) and will also stimulate your (plural noun). Always keep the familiar (color) tube of Chomp handy in your (noun).
And now, back to our western program, "Have (noun), Will Travel!"
Millie said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look drop-kicked and addicted to Sims?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth plastic and transparent after only 38 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-slurp," a secret ingredient known to your unimaginably stenchy druggist as Colgate. Chomp attacks the bird-chirping acids in your mouth and leaves your breath blowin' in the wind and best forgotten. It will make your potty goer feel cheap and will also stimulate your runaway hogs. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your misfit toy.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Philatelist, Will Travel!"
Heffalump said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look preposterous and bewildered?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth besmirched after only 71 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-carrot juice," a secret ingredient known to your wildebeest-like druggist as Plaquenator Plus Whitening. Chomp attacks the numb acids in your mouth and leaves your breath expensive and dandelion yellow. It will make your battery feel fizzy and will also stimulate your singed eyebrows. Always keep the familiar taupe tube of Chomp handy in your fishing pole.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Olympic Badminton Coach, Will Travel!"
J-Dog said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look twitchy and demonic?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth odd after only 1,234,000,015.76 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-teriyaki sauce," a secret ingredient known to your bloodshot druggist as Lady Gaga's Signature Plaque Away. Chomp attacks the inhumane acids in your mouth and leaves your breath rabid and smelly. It will make your light bulb feel constipated and will also stimulate your severed Muppet heads. Always keep the familiar puce tube of Chomp handy in your moldy kimono.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Nyquil Sleepy Time Smoothie, Will Travel!"
Klin said...
Friends, have you noticed that your teeth are starting to look orange and cheesy?
That's because you've been using the wrong toothpaste. Chomp Toothpaste will make your teeth ridiculous after only 24 brushings. That's because Chomp Toothpaste contains "Hex-a-chlor-a-shampoo," a secret ingredient known to your super-dee-duper druggist as Crest 3D. Chomp attacks the sweaty acids in your mouth and leaves your breath fastidious and fatigued. It will make your speeding train feel rushing and will also stimulate your smelly 30 year old home canned peaches. Always keep the familiar chartreuse tube of Chomp handy in your long-freaking day.
And now, back to our western program, "Have Lighthouse, Will Travel!"
Friday, June 10, 2011
Page from an Analyst's Notebook
This is the case history of (name of fellow in room) who is suffering from a/an (noun) complex. He also has abnormal fears of (plural noun) and (adjective) schizophrenia. As a child, he had a/an (adjective) mother who never let him (verb) outside and paid no attention to his (plural noun). Also, his father refused to let him play little league (noun).
When he was (number) years old, his (an animal) ran away on a rainy night which is why he (verb ending in S) at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the (noun), spends all his time watching (a sport) on TV while eating boxes of (an animal) biscuits.
Heffalump said...
This is the case history of Tyrone who is suffering from a cavity complex. He also has abnormal fears of chocolate chips and swirling schizophrenia. As a child, he had an effortless mother who never let him trudge outside and paid no attention to his vitamins. Also, his father refused to let him play little league beanie baby.
When he was .176 years old, his jackalope ran away on a rainy night which is why he grimaces at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the cracked wheat cereal, spends all his time watching croquet on TV while eating boxes of hippo biscuits.
Millie said...
This is the case history of the Earl of Sandwich who is suffering from a woman in 7-B complex. He also has abnormal fears of lickspittles and rapidly snarfed schizophrenia. As a child, he had a winking at nothing mother who never let him impersonate outside and paid no attention to his tar bubbles. Also, his father refused to let him play little league mozzarella cheese stick.
When he was 234 years old, his duck ran away on a rainy night which is why he profligates at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the ginormous stankwad, spends all his time watching cow-tipping on TV while eating boxes of monkey armpit mite biscuits.
Klin said...
This is the case history of Kid Rock who is suffering from a crazy music video complex. He also has abnormal fears of insurance companies and peanut buttery schizophrenia. As a child, he had a flowy mother who never let him rap outside and paid no attention to his candy bars. Also, his father refused to let him play little league Justin Bieber.
When he was 21 years old, his aardvark ran away on a rainy night which is why he sings at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the dorky commercial, spends all his time watching rugby on TV while eating boxes of canine biscuits.
When he was (number) years old, his (an animal) ran away on a rainy night which is why he (verb ending in S) at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the (noun), spends all his time watching (a sport) on TV while eating boxes of (an animal) biscuits.
Heffalump said...
This is the case history of Tyrone who is suffering from a cavity complex. He also has abnormal fears of chocolate chips and swirling schizophrenia. As a child, he had an effortless mother who never let him trudge outside and paid no attention to his vitamins. Also, his father refused to let him play little league beanie baby.
When he was .176 years old, his jackalope ran away on a rainy night which is why he grimaces at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the cracked wheat cereal, spends all his time watching croquet on TV while eating boxes of hippo biscuits.
Millie said...
This is the case history of the Earl of Sandwich who is suffering from a woman in 7-B complex. He also has abnormal fears of lickspittles and rapidly snarfed schizophrenia. As a child, he had a winking at nothing mother who never let him impersonate outside and paid no attention to his tar bubbles. Also, his father refused to let him play little league mozzarella cheese stick.
When he was 234 years old, his duck ran away on a rainy night which is why he profligates at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the ginormous stankwad, spends all his time watching cow-tipping on TV while eating boxes of monkey armpit mite biscuits.
Klin said...
This is the case history of Kid Rock who is suffering from a crazy music video complex. He also has abnormal fears of insurance companies and peanut buttery schizophrenia. As a child, he had a flowy mother who never let him rap outside and paid no attention to his candy bars. Also, his father refused to let him play little league Justin Bieber.
When he was 21 years old, his aardvark ran away on a rainy night which is why he sings at the moon during thunderstorms.
It's no wonder that today he never leaves the dorky commercial, spends all his time watching rugby on TV while eating boxes of canine biscuits.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Letter of Complaint
Dear Sir or (noun),
I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).
Klin said... (Yay! You're back!)
Dear Sir or Grandbaby,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your smelly hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown burp diaper was an outrageous chihuahua. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of poopy diapers. All I found in my room was a trash schnauzer/shi tzu mix dog filled with old pulled pork sandwiches. You also claimed to offer free overnight flooding in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Provo Canyon across the street in a vacant sidewalk. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were much inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my rainy day, but he broke two of my nostrils while giving me a Swedish hand sanitizer. Your room service was an adorable joke! They not only served burnt scrapbook but spilled a hot cup of relaxing drive all over my newly pressed flour canister. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a potsticker! I'm planning to sue you for a million bean burritos.
Millie said...
Dear Sir or Ketchup Stain,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your low on funds hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sap drip was an outrageous kitty trousers. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of cherry pies. All I found in my room was a trash creep in the lingerie aisle filled with old stake high councilors. You also claimed to offer free overnight wafting in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new death breath across the street in a vacant tall drink of water. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were subversively inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my usurped PTA president, but he broke two of my tootsies while giving me a Swedish four-leaf clover. Your room service was an offended by E.T. joke! They not only served burnt Beach Boy but spilled a hot cup of country song about going into rehab all over my newly pressed turkey neck. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a suspicious brown crumb! I'm planning to sue you for a million corn on the cob holders.
Heffalump said...
Dear Sir or Telescope,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your creepy hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown ski mask was an outrageous gag. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of zip ties. All I found in my room was a trash chloroform filled with old rubber gloves. You also claimed to offer free overnight pleading in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Polaroid camera across the street in a vacant ransom note written with poorly cut out letters from a magazine. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were horrifyingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my lock pick, but he broke two of my fingerprints while giving me a Swedish taser. Your room service was a stealthy joke! They not only served burnt getaway car but spilled a hot cup of duct tape all over my newly pressed rope. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a black sweatsuit! I'm planning to sue you for a million shoes with common treads.
I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).
Klin said... (Yay! You're back!)
Dear Sir or Grandbaby,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your smelly hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown burp diaper was an outrageous chihuahua. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of poopy diapers. All I found in my room was a trash schnauzer/shi tzu mix dog filled with old pulled pork sandwiches. You also claimed to offer free overnight flooding in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Provo Canyon across the street in a vacant sidewalk. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were much inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my rainy day, but he broke two of my nostrils while giving me a Swedish hand sanitizer. Your room service was an adorable joke! They not only served burnt scrapbook but spilled a hot cup of relaxing drive all over my newly pressed flour canister. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a potsticker! I'm planning to sue you for a million bean burritos.
Millie said...
Dear Sir or Ketchup Stain,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your low on funds hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sap drip was an outrageous kitty trousers. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of cherry pies. All I found in my room was a trash creep in the lingerie aisle filled with old stake high councilors. You also claimed to offer free overnight wafting in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new death breath across the street in a vacant tall drink of water. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were subversively inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my usurped PTA president, but he broke two of my tootsies while giving me a Swedish four-leaf clover. Your room service was an offended by E.T. joke! They not only served burnt Beach Boy but spilled a hot cup of country song about going into rehab all over my newly pressed turkey neck. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a suspicious brown crumb! I'm planning to sue you for a million corn on the cob holders.
Heffalump said...
Dear Sir or Telescope,
I just spent a miserable weekend at your creepy hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown ski mask was an outrageous gag. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of zip ties. All I found in my room was a trash chloroform filled with old rubber gloves. You also claimed to offer free overnight pleading in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Polaroid camera across the street in a vacant ransom note written with poorly cut out letters from a magazine. It was stolen!
And about your hotel staff - they were horrifyingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my lock pick, but he broke two of my fingerprints while giving me a Swedish taser. Your room service was a stealthy joke! They not only served burnt getaway car but spilled a hot cup of duct tape all over my newly pressed rope. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a black sweatsuit! I'm planning to sue you for a million shoes with common treads.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Bringing Home the Good (Or Is It Bad?) News
Dear Parent,
Here is (person in room)'s report card for the (adjective) eighth grade. He/she has received a/an (letter) in English, a/an (letter) in Mathematics, and an A in Social (plural noun). Unfortunately, we could not give a passing (noun) in (noun) Education because his/her broken (body part) prevented the taking of the final (noun). This (adjective) class can be made up in our summer (noun). The school believes a "parent-(noun)" conference is necessary to discuss (same person in room)'s (adjective) behavior. He/She continues to draw (adjective) pictures on the bathroom (noun) and talks (adverb) behind the teacher's (body part). Please call the principal's (noun) for a/an (adjective) appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr./Ms. (another person in room)
Head (occupation)
Millie said...
Dear Parent,
Here is the ghost of Aunt Ahra's report card for the eats-then-leaves eighth grade. She has received a K in English, a W in Mathematics, and an A in Social Shaved Legs. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing basket case in Nosy Telephone Operator Education because her broken toe prevented the taking of the final giant souvenir pencil. This Bart Simpson-resembling class can be made up in our summer brownie crumb. The school believes a "parent-extremely rude house guest" conference is necessary to discuss the ghost of Aunt Ahra's mannequin pose mocking behavior. She continues to draw winged pictures on the bathroom hummingbird beak and talks awkwardly behind the teacher's medulla oblongata. Please call the principal's smart aleck remark for a poker-faced appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Fred Ferd
Head Cupid Portrayer
Heffalump said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Ingrid's report card for the busty eighth grade. She has received an X in English, a Z in Mathematics, and an A in Social Placebos. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing crop duster in Menagerie Education because her broken nostril prevented the taking of the final Sonic screwdriver. This crusty class can be made up in our summer flip flop. The school believes a "parent-monkey" conference is necessary to discuss Ingrid's dusty behavior. She continues to draw lusty pictures on the bathroom avocado and talks fiestily behind the teacher's clavicle. Please call the principal's Mars for a musty appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Ingeborg
Head Goatherd
Here is (person in room)'s report card for the (adjective) eighth grade. He/she has received a/an (letter) in English, a/an (letter) in Mathematics, and an A in Social (plural noun). Unfortunately, we could not give a passing (noun) in (noun) Education because his/her broken (body part) prevented the taking of the final (noun). This (adjective) class can be made up in our summer (noun). The school believes a "parent-(noun)" conference is necessary to discuss (same person in room)'s (adjective) behavior. He/She continues to draw (adjective) pictures on the bathroom (noun) and talks (adverb) behind the teacher's (body part). Please call the principal's (noun) for a/an (adjective) appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr./Ms. (another person in room)
Head (occupation)
Millie said...
Dear Parent,
Here is the ghost of Aunt Ahra's report card for the eats-then-leaves eighth grade. She has received a K in English, a W in Mathematics, and an A in Social Shaved Legs. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing basket case in Nosy Telephone Operator Education because her broken toe prevented the taking of the final giant souvenir pencil. This Bart Simpson-resembling class can be made up in our summer brownie crumb. The school believes a "parent-extremely rude house guest" conference is necessary to discuss the ghost of Aunt Ahra's mannequin pose mocking behavior. She continues to draw winged pictures on the bathroom hummingbird beak and talks awkwardly behind the teacher's medulla oblongata. Please call the principal's smart aleck remark for a poker-faced appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Mr. Fred Ferd
Head Cupid Portrayer
Heffalump said...
Dear Parent,
Here is Ingrid's report card for the busty eighth grade. She has received an X in English, a Z in Mathematics, and an A in Social Placebos. Unfortunately, we could not give a passing crop duster in Menagerie Education because her broken nostril prevented the taking of the final Sonic screwdriver. This crusty class can be made up in our summer flip flop. The school believes a "parent-monkey" conference is necessary to discuss Ingrid's dusty behavior. She continues to draw lusty pictures on the bathroom avocado and talks fiestily behind the teacher's clavicle. Please call the principal's Mars for a musty appointment immediately.
Sincerely,
Ms. Ingeborg
Head Goatherd
Friday, May 20, 2011
Smoking Cigarettes
Medical science has discovered that smoking cigarettes causes (type of disease). It is also bad for your (noun) and causes pains in the (part of the body). When mice and dogs were exposed to (adjective) cigarette smoke, they developed (person in room)’s disease. Tobacco companies have put charcoal (plural noun) on the ends of cigarettes, but they still spend millions of (plural noun) advertising their (nasty adjective) product. If you smoke cigarettes, the tobacco will leave all kinds of tar and (plural noun) in your lungs. This will make you cough and say, “(exclamation)!” Don’t smoke cigarettes. Remember, only (plural noun) smoke.
Heffalump said...
Medical science has discovered that smoking cigarettes causes hypertrichosis. It is also bad for your beauty school and causes pains in the big toe. When mice and dogs were exposed to unsightly cigarette smoke, they developed Pablo’s disease. Tobacco companies have put charcoal bunions on the ends of cigarettes, but they still spend millions of eyebrows advertising their putrescent product. If you smoke cigarettes, the tobacco will leave all kinds of tar and teeth in your lungs. This will make you cough and say, “Holy Doilies Grandma!” Don’t smoke cigarettes. Remember, only midgets smoke.
Millie said...
Medical science has discovered that smoking cigarettes causes Monkey Gut. It is also bad for your Silly String and causes pains in the pancreas. When mice and dogs were exposed to elastic cigarette smoke, they developed Disgruntled Gretel’s disease. Tobacco companies have put charcoal punched-out lights on the ends of cigarettes, but they still spend millions of naysayers advertising their icky-poo product. If you smoke cigarettes, the tobacco will leave all kinds of tar and edible socks in your lungs. This will make you cough and say, “Ouch! My Butt!” Don’t smoke cigarettes. Remember, only 14-month-olds smoke.
Heffalump said...
Medical science has discovered that smoking cigarettes causes hypertrichosis. It is also bad for your beauty school and causes pains in the big toe. When mice and dogs were exposed to unsightly cigarette smoke, they developed Pablo’s disease. Tobacco companies have put charcoal bunions on the ends of cigarettes, but they still spend millions of eyebrows advertising their putrescent product. If you smoke cigarettes, the tobacco will leave all kinds of tar and teeth in your lungs. This will make you cough and say, “Holy Doilies Grandma!” Don’t smoke cigarettes. Remember, only midgets smoke.
Millie said...
Medical science has discovered that smoking cigarettes causes Monkey Gut. It is also bad for your Silly String and causes pains in the pancreas. When mice and dogs were exposed to elastic cigarette smoke, they developed Disgruntled Gretel’s disease. Tobacco companies have put charcoal punched-out lights on the ends of cigarettes, but they still spend millions of naysayers advertising their icky-poo product. If you smoke cigarettes, the tobacco will leave all kinds of tar and edible socks in your lungs. This will make you cough and say, “Ouch! My Butt!” Don’t smoke cigarettes. Remember, only 14-month-olds smoke.
Friday, May 13, 2011
How To Do That New Dance, the Monstrosity
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot (adverb) to the side. Now stamp your right foot (number) times and put your hands on your partner's (plural noun). Next, you both (verb) slowly to the right and bend your (part of the body) backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you (verb) (adverb) to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your (plural noun) and slap your (plural noun) together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your (plural noun) together and shout, "(nonsense word)!" Now (verb) backward and repeat the whole thing (number) times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always (verb) the next one out.
Millie said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot snippily to the side. Now stamp your right foot 287 times and put your hands on your partner's cranky old bus drivers. Next, you both sip slowly to the right and bend your elbow pudge backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you slap sunglasses-wearingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your bored children and slap your toenail clippers together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your wedgies together and shout, "Malloopy-loopy!" Now spank backward and repeat the whole thing 8.1 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always throttle the next one out.
Millie said...
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. First, stand with your feet together. Now move your left foot snippily to the side. Now stamp your right foot 287 times and put your hands on your partner's cranky old bus drivers. Next, you both sip slowly to the right and bend your elbow pudge backward. Now for the next eight counts, both of you slap sunglasses-wearingly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your bored children and slap your toenail clippers together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now face your partner again, put your wedgies together and shout, "Malloopy-loopy!" Now spank backward and repeat the whole thing 8.1 times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always throttle the next one out.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Bird Watching and Vice Versa
Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of (plural noun). Our (adjective) feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the (adjective) oriole, which builds its nest in (noun) trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "(funny noise)." Then the male and female get together and (verb). Later, the female lays (number) eggs. Isn't that (adjective)? Another fascinating bird is the (adjective)-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your (noun), and eat out of your (plural noun). Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested (noun), the (adjective)-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied (adjective) sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!
Millie said...
Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of birthers. Our repeatedly sniffed feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the knocked sideways oriole, which builds its nest in deformed mouse trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "CRANG." Then the male and female get together and Snoopy dance. Later, the female lays 273 eggs. Isn't that Froot Loops-loving? Another fascinating bird is the upset-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and eat out of your angry cockroaches. Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested questionable cold sore, the left out in the rain-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied scorched sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!
Heffalump said...
Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of Pilates instructors. Our steam powered feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the vacuum sealed oriole, which builds its nest in Golden Globe Award trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "beeeeeeellllllch." Then the male and female get together and ruminate. Later, the female lays 17 eggs. Isn't that superfluous? Another fascinating bird is the dipped in chocolate-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your stainless steel vat, and eat out of your donut holes. Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested underpaid airline pat-down technician, the flame retardant-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied sequinned sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!
Millie said...
Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of birthers. Our repeatedly sniffed feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the knocked sideways oriole, which builds its nest in deformed mouse trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "CRANG." Then the male and female get together and Snoopy dance. Later, the female lays 273 eggs. Isn't that Froot Loops-loving? Another fascinating bird is the upset-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and eat out of your angry cockroaches. Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested questionable cold sore, the left out in the rain-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied scorched sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!
Heffalump said...
Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of Pilates instructors. Our steam powered feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the vacuum sealed oriole, which builds its nest in Golden Globe Award trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: "beeeeeeellllllch." Then the male and female get together and ruminate. Later, the female lays 17 eggs. Isn't that superfluous? Another fascinating bird is the dipped in chocolate-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your stainless steel vat, and eat out of your donut holes. Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested underpaid airline pat-down technician, the flame retardant-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied sequinned sucker. Now that you know something about birds - get out there and watch!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Charity Drive Letter
Dear (name of person),
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of (adjective) (plural nouns)." We are currently having a drive to raise (number) dollars to build an up-to-date (noun) for underprivileged (plural noun). I know that as one of the leading (plural noun) of your community, you will want to contribute to this (adjective) cause. Our president, (celebrity), and our treasurer, (celebrity), have been connected with many (adjective) charities. They urge you to reach down into your (noun) and give. Even if it's only a (noun). The money will finance our (adjective) out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has (liquid) in his (plural noun) can come and have our (adjective) doctors x-ray his (noun). Eventually we hope to stamp out (plural noun) altogether.
(Signed) (name of person)
Millie said...
Dear Ferdinand,
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of Loudly Slurped Red-headed Stepchildren." We are currently having a drive to raise 382 dollars to build an up-to-date gutless flipflopper for underprivileged egg cups. I know that as one of the leading sweat pockets of your community, you will want to contribute to this 700 Club-avoiding cause. Our president, Phil Donahue, and our treasurer, Olivia de Havilland, have been connected with many plum blossom-carpeted charities. They urge you to reach down into your obnoxious hallway bra-snapper and give. Even if it's only a twit. The money will finance our squeaking unintelligibly out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has ripe melon ooze in his origami experiments can come and have our spanking fresh doctors x-ray his forgotten sack lunch. Eventually we hope to stamp out cows altogether.
(Signed) Marchetta
Heffalump said...
Dear Fred,
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of Spherical Aebelskiver." We are currently having a drive to raise 17 dollars to build an up-to-date baby carrot for underprivileged fences. I know that as one of the leading helicopters of your community, you will want to contribute to this syrupy cause. Our president, Bozo the Clown, and our treasurer, Cher, have been connected with many speckled charities. They urge you to reach down into your pudding cup and give. Even if it's only a ball peen hammer. The money will finance our delicious out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has formaldehyde in his singing sensations can come and have our ape-like doctors x-ray his rutabaga. Eventually we hope to stamp out trapeze artists altogether.
(Signed) Wilma
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of (adjective) (plural nouns)." We are currently having a drive to raise (number) dollars to build an up-to-date (noun) for underprivileged (plural noun). I know that as one of the leading (plural noun) of your community, you will want to contribute to this (adjective) cause. Our president, (celebrity), and our treasurer, (celebrity), have been connected with many (adjective) charities. They urge you to reach down into your (noun) and give. Even if it's only a (noun). The money will finance our (adjective) out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has (liquid) in his (plural noun) can come and have our (adjective) doctors x-ray his (noun). Eventually we hope to stamp out (plural noun) altogether.
(Signed) (name of person)
Millie said...
Dear Ferdinand,
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of Loudly Slurped Red-headed Stepchildren." We are currently having a drive to raise 382 dollars to build an up-to-date gutless flipflopper for underprivileged egg cups. I know that as one of the leading sweat pockets of your community, you will want to contribute to this 700 Club-avoiding cause. Our president, Phil Donahue, and our treasurer, Olivia de Havilland, have been connected with many plum blossom-carpeted charities. They urge you to reach down into your obnoxious hallway bra-snapper and give. Even if it's only a twit. The money will finance our squeaking unintelligibly out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has ripe melon ooze in his origami experiments can come and have our spanking fresh doctors x-ray his forgotten sack lunch. Eventually we hope to stamp out cows altogether.
(Signed) Marchetta
Heffalump said...
Dear Fred,
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of Spherical Aebelskiver." We are currently having a drive to raise 17 dollars to build an up-to-date baby carrot for underprivileged fences. I know that as one of the leading helicopters of your community, you will want to contribute to this syrupy cause. Our president, Bozo the Clown, and our treasurer, Cher, have been connected with many speckled charities. They urge you to reach down into your pudding cup and give. Even if it's only a ball peen hammer. The money will finance our delicious out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has formaldehyde in his singing sensations can come and have our ape-like doctors x-ray his rutabaga. Eventually we hope to stamp out trapeze artists altogether.
(Signed) Wilma
Friday, April 22, 2011
Easter
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the (plural noun) get (number) weeks off. The (adjective) teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the (noun). Others get outside and play (a game), while more ambitious students spend their time studying their (adjective) books so they will grow up to become (plural noun). Little kids also color (adjective) eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of (adjective) dye in a bowl full of (liquid). Then dip the (noun) in the bowl and rinse it off with (liquid). Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a/an (adjective) egg!"
Heffalump said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the hedgehogs get 8.73 weeks off. The gregarious teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the tour guide. Others get outside and play Break the Safe, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their sparkly books so they will grow up to become shoe horns. Little kids also color liver-spotted eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of swirly-warranting dye in a bowl full of hand lotion. Then dip the crop duster in the bowl and rinse it off with carbonated spinach juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a boss egg!"
Klin said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the mountains get 44 weeks off. The fuschia teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the Jeep. Others get outside and play Double Dutch Jump Rope, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their flirty books so they will grow up to become babies. Little kids also color fast eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of silent dye in a bowl full of Clorox Bleach. Then dip the Rock in the bowl and rinse it off with apple juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a happy egg!"
Millie said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the palm fronds get 835 weeks off. The sniffing repeatedly teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the scalp scab. Others get outside and play Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their obsessed with Scotland books so they will grow up to become seaweed jumpropes. Little kids also color red-blinking eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of caterpillar-resembling dye in a bowl full of snot. Then dip the light bulb in the bowl and rinse it off with grenadine. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a mustachioed egg!"
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of (adjective) dye in a bowl full of (liquid). Then dip the (noun) in the bowl and rinse it off with (liquid). Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a/an (adjective) egg!"
Heffalump said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the hedgehogs get 8.73 weeks off. The gregarious teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the tour guide. Others get outside and play Break the Safe, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their sparkly books so they will grow up to become shoe horns. Little kids also color liver-spotted eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of swirly-warranting dye in a bowl full of hand lotion. Then dip the crop duster in the bowl and rinse it off with carbonated spinach juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a boss egg!"
Klin said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the mountains get 44 weeks off. The fuschia teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the Jeep. Others get outside and play Double Dutch Jump Rope, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their flirty books so they will grow up to become babies. Little kids also color fast eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of silent dye in a bowl full of Clorox Bleach. Then dip the Rock in the bowl and rinse it off with apple juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a happy egg!"
Millie said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the palm fronds get 835 weeks off. The sniffing repeatedly teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the scalp scab. Others get outside and play Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their obsessed with Scotland books so they will grow up to become seaweed jumpropes. Little kids also color red-blinking eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of caterpillar-resembling dye in a bowl full of snot. Then dip the light bulb in the bowl and rinse it off with grenadine. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a mustachioed egg!"
Friday, April 15, 2011
Advice to Prospective Parents
Congratulations to all of you (adjective) mothers and (adjective) fathers. You are about to give birth to a/an (noun). Remember, a happy child comes from a happy (noun). Undoubtedly, the (noun) will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little (noun) its bottle of (adjective) milk. Later, when he's (number) years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little (plural noun) around the house. And in no time he'll be talking (adverb) and calling you his "(noun)" and "(noun)." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of (plural noun).
Millie said...
Congratulations to all of you socially unaware mothers and fakey-voiced fathers. You are about to give birth to a rhino horn. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy skeptical eyebrow lifter. Undoubtedly, the knuckle hair will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little dried out deodorant cake its bottle of two sizes too small milk. Later, when he's 12 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little workplace restroom frequenters who feel comfortable conversing while pottying around the house. And in no time he'll be talking belchingly and calling you his "nonpareil" and "snobby Mayflower descendant." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of questionable taste in music.
Millie said...
Congratulations to all of you socially unaware mothers and fakey-voiced fathers. You are about to give birth to a rhino horn. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy skeptical eyebrow lifter. Undoubtedly, the knuckle hair will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little dried out deodorant cake its bottle of two sizes too small milk. Later, when he's 12 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little workplace restroom frequenters who feel comfortable conversing while pottying around the house. And in no time he'll be talking belchingly and calling you his "nonpareil" and "snobby Mayflower descendant." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of questionable taste in music.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Horoscope
Those born under the planetary sign of the (noun) possess (adjective) personalities and are forever searching for new (plural noun) to conquer. This is a more or less (adjective) month for you because the planet (silly word) is directly over your (noun) and Mercury is influencing your (plural noun). This means you should avoid eating (plural noun) and stay away from anybody with (adjective) (plural noun). During the coming year you will find conditions getting (adjective) due to your (adjective) outlook on life and your (adjective) attitude toward (plural noun). You are best suited to a (adjective) mate with (adjective) (plural noun) and a (adjective) complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really (adjective) life.
Heffalump said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the chimpanzee possess purple personalities and are forever searching for new siblings to conquer. This is a more or less stretchy month for you because the planet Sesquipedalian is directly over your rutabaga and Mercury is influencing your aliens. This means you should avoid eating farmers and stay away from anybody with aboriginal Christmas lights. During the coming year you will find conditions getting mustache-wearing due to your dappled outlook on life and your slimy attitude toward rubber gloves. You are best suited to an adequate mate with expectant M&Ms and a slim complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really sour-faced life.
Klin said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the lame billing department possess glowing personalities and are forever searching for new Mogadorians to conquer. This is a more or less fruity month for you because the planet Lady GaGa is directly over your Crazy 8 store and Mercury is influencing your travelers. This means you should avoid eating Lorien Symbols and stay away from anybody with warm and vanilla-y aliens. During the coming year you will find conditions getting ice cold due to your freakin' outlook on life and your tired attitude toward new cars. You are best suited to a huddled mate with loud snowflakes and a lousy complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really smelly life.
Millie said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the shrinkage possess rhymes like Dr. Seuss personalities and are forever searching for new misguided Obama supporters to conquer. This is a more or less oddly protruding month for you because the planet Flagellum is directly over your slurped soup and Mercury is influencing your plum tarts. This means you should avoid eating old coots and stay away from anybody with Honeycomb cereal-horfing goobies. During the coming year you will find conditions getting light switchy due to your pants optional outlook on life and your crispy attitude toward public butt pinchers. You are best suited to a shifty-eyed mate with frequently bamboozled wooden legs named Smith and a razor-tailed complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really can't spare a square life.
Heffalump said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the chimpanzee possess purple personalities and are forever searching for new siblings to conquer. This is a more or less stretchy month for you because the planet Sesquipedalian is directly over your rutabaga and Mercury is influencing your aliens. This means you should avoid eating farmers and stay away from anybody with aboriginal Christmas lights. During the coming year you will find conditions getting mustache-wearing due to your dappled outlook on life and your slimy attitude toward rubber gloves. You are best suited to an adequate mate with expectant M&Ms and a slim complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really sour-faced life.
Klin said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the lame billing department possess glowing personalities and are forever searching for new Mogadorians to conquer. This is a more or less fruity month for you because the planet Lady GaGa is directly over your Crazy 8 store and Mercury is influencing your travelers. This means you should avoid eating Lorien Symbols and stay away from anybody with warm and vanilla-y aliens. During the coming year you will find conditions getting ice cold due to your freakin' outlook on life and your tired attitude toward new cars. You are best suited to a huddled mate with loud snowflakes and a lousy complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really smelly life.
Millie said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the shrinkage possess rhymes like Dr. Seuss personalities and are forever searching for new misguided Obama supporters to conquer. This is a more or less oddly protruding month for you because the planet Flagellum is directly over your slurped soup and Mercury is influencing your plum tarts. This means you should avoid eating old coots and stay away from anybody with Honeycomb cereal-horfing goobies. During the coming year you will find conditions getting light switchy due to your pants optional outlook on life and your crispy attitude toward public butt pinchers. You are best suited to a shifty-eyed mate with frequently bamboozled wooden legs named Smith and a razor-tailed complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really can't spare a square life.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Newspaper Ads
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This (adjective) car is in a (adjective) condition. It was formerly owned by a (adjective) school teacher who always drove it (adverb). There is a (adjective) (noun) in the back seat and a chrome (noun) on the hood. It has a (adjective) paint job, (adjective) tires, and the back opens out into a (adjective) (noun). Will consider taking slightly used (noun) in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of (geographical location), a (adjective) French poodle with (adjective) hair and a (adjective) tail. It answers to the name of (name of person) and when last seen was carrying a (noun) in its mouth. A (adjective) reward is offered.
Heffalump said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This petulant car is in an uncanny condition. It was formerly owned by a flippant school teacher who always drove it famously. There is a grandiose potbelled pig in the back seat and a chrome pitchfork on the hood. It has a snarky paint job, melodramatic tires, and the back opens out into an albino petunia. Will consider taking slightly used aardvark in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Boring, OR, a back-biting French poodle with sarcastic hair and a purified tail. It answers to the name of Jeeves and when last seen was carrying a dishwasher in its mouth. A toxic reward is offered.
Klin said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This Texas-sized car is in a ridiculous condition. It was formerly owned by a froglike school teacher who always drove it poorly. There is a hostile bad love song in the back seat and a chrome annoying ring tone on the hood. It has a far-fetched paint job, fresh tires, and the back opens out into a broken precocious animal. Will consider taking slightly used duck poop in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Manti La Sal Mountains, an orange French poodle with snotty hair and an epic tail. It answers to the name of Cher and when last seen was carrying an escape artist in its mouth. A dark reward is offered.
Millie said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This brassaholic car is in a fire-breathing condition. It was formerly owned by a pointless school teacher who always drove it drunkenly. There is a persnickety yearly bather in the back seat and a chrome shyster on the hood. It has a candle-obsessed paint job, invisible tires, and the back opens out into a slave-driving hypochondriac. Will consider taking slightly used singer of horribly catchy songs in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Passamaquoddy, a bought-for-$50 French poodle with cave-dwelling hair and a conniving tail. It answers to the name of Pete and when last seen was carrying a fingernail in its mouth. A green reward is offered.
LOST: In the vicinity of (geographical location), a (adjective) French poodle with (adjective) hair and a (adjective) tail. It answers to the name of (name of person) and when last seen was carrying a (noun) in its mouth. A (adjective) reward is offered.
Heffalump said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This petulant car is in an uncanny condition. It was formerly owned by a flippant school teacher who always drove it famously. There is a grandiose potbelled pig in the back seat and a chrome pitchfork on the hood. It has a snarky paint job, melodramatic tires, and the back opens out into an albino petunia. Will consider taking slightly used aardvark in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Boring, OR, a back-biting French poodle with sarcastic hair and a purified tail. It answers to the name of Jeeves and when last seen was carrying a dishwasher in its mouth. A toxic reward is offered.
Klin said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This Texas-sized car is in a ridiculous condition. It was formerly owned by a froglike school teacher who always drove it poorly. There is a hostile bad love song in the back seat and a chrome annoying ring tone on the hood. It has a far-fetched paint job, fresh tires, and the back opens out into a broken precocious animal. Will consider taking slightly used duck poop in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Manti La Sal Mountains, an orange French poodle with snotty hair and an epic tail. It answers to the name of Cher and when last seen was carrying an escape artist in its mouth. A dark reward is offered.
Millie said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This brassaholic car is in a fire-breathing condition. It was formerly owned by a pointless school teacher who always drove it drunkenly. There is a persnickety yearly bather in the back seat and a chrome shyster on the hood. It has a candle-obsessed paint job, invisible tires, and the back opens out into a slave-driving hypochondriac. Will consider taking slightly used singer of horribly catchy songs in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Passamaquoddy, a bought-for-$50 French poodle with cave-dwelling hair and a conniving tail. It answers to the name of Pete and when last seen was carrying a fingernail in its mouth. A green reward is offered.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Student Protest
Fellow Students of (school)! We the members of the Students for a (adjective) Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of (plural noun). He has just fired our friend, Professor (name of man), because he wore his (part of body) long, and because he dressed in a (article of clothing) and wore old (plural noun). Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the (noun) building and kidnapping the Assistant (noun). We also will demand that all students have the right to wear (adjective) hair and (adjective) beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with (plural noun)!"
Millie said...
Fellow Students of Sally Sitwell's School of Poise and Posture! We the members of the Students for a Treat-obsessed Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Hip-swayers. He has just fired our friend, Professor Horatio Inkblot, because he wore his cute pink man ear long, and because he dressed in rainbow suspenders and wore old, unruly roosters that crow all day long. Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the slimy pig nose building and kidnapping the Assistant Dial Tone. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear moss-covered hair and angry-at-clouds beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with secretly sipped drinks!"
Klin said...
Fellow Students of Rosalie's Refining Academy for Girls! We the members of the Students for a Crunchy Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Rawhide Dog Treats. He has just fired our friend, Professor Sergeant Gibbs, because he wore his belly button long, and because he dressed in a flip flop and wore old long days. Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the new video building and kidnapping the Assistant Ballet Slipper. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear tired hair and boring beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with hundreds of BeJeweled games!"
Heffalump said...
Fellow Students of The Grimm Brothers' School for Repentant Fairy Tale Villains! We the members of the Students for a Winged Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Gingerbread Houses. He has just fired our friend, Professor Westley the Farm Boy, because he wore his webby place between your toes long, and because he dressed in a mask and wore old breadcrumbs. Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the Father's Sword building and kidnapping the Assistant Oven Belonging to an Evil Witch. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear home cooked hair and kiln dried beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with evil stepmothers!"
Millie said...
Fellow Students of Sally Sitwell's School of Poise and Posture! We the members of the Students for a Treat-obsessed Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Hip-swayers. He has just fired our friend, Professor Horatio Inkblot, because he wore his cute pink man ear long, and because he dressed in rainbow suspenders and wore old, unruly roosters that crow all day long. Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the slimy pig nose building and kidnapping the Assistant Dial Tone. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear moss-covered hair and angry-at-clouds beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with secretly sipped drinks!"
Klin said...
Fellow Students of Rosalie's Refining Academy for Girls! We the members of the Students for a Crunchy Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Rawhide Dog Treats. He has just fired our friend, Professor Sergeant Gibbs, because he wore his belly button long, and because he dressed in a flip flop and wore old long days. Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the new video building and kidnapping the Assistant Ballet Slipper. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear tired hair and boring beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with hundreds of BeJeweled games!"
Heffalump said...
Fellow Students of The Grimm Brothers' School for Repentant Fairy Tale Villains! We the members of the Students for a Winged Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Gingerbread Houses. He has just fired our friend, Professor Westley the Farm Boy, because he wore his webby place between your toes long, and because he dressed in a mask and wore old breadcrumbs. Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the Father's Sword building and kidnapping the Assistant Oven Belonging to an Evil Witch. We also will demand that all students have the right to wear home cooked hair and kiln dried beards. Remember our slogan: "Down with evil stepmothers!"
Friday, March 18, 2011
Fable
Once upon a time a (adjective) (noun) expert named (name of person) felt a (adjective) pain. He sent for a (adjective) surgeon who looked at his (adjective) stomach and said, "(exclamation)!" Then he muttered (adverb), "I see your trouble. The (noun) on your (adjective) stomach is overlapping the (noun) next to your kidney." The surgeon (adverb) took him to the (adjective) operating room of the hospital. There he made a (adjective) incision reaching from the patient's (noun) to his (noun). "(Exclamation)!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that (adjective) (noun)." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the (noun) out of the (noun), but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the (noun).
MORAL: A (noun) in time saves nine.
Heffalump said...
Once upon a time a pink polka-dotted pirate expert named Dudley felt a fur-lined pain. He sent for a nautically inspired surgeon who looked at his groovy stomach and said, "Holy Hot Cocoa!" Then he muttered emphatically, "I see your trouble. The sous chef on your ardent stomach is overlapping the baby carrot next to your kidney." The surgeon squelchingly took him to the lost in the Bermuda Triangle operating room of the hospital. There he made a spindly incision reaching from the patient's weiner dog to his IRS agent being pursued by angry taxpayers. "Serendipitous!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that effervescent rubber raft." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the water wings out of the school bus converted into a mobile home, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the sledgehammer.
MORAL: A Canadian mountie in time saves nine.
Klin said...
Once upon a time a torn up radiation fear expert named Muammar Gaddafi felt a soured pain. He sent for a disputed surgeon who looked at his minty flavor stomach and said, "Holy Batman!" Then he muttered blithely, "I see your trouble. The tsunami on your brand spanking new stomach is overlapping the nuclear reactor next to your kidney." The surgeon assiduously took him to the fluffy operating room of the hospital. There he made a not-quite-done incision reaching from the patient's birthday boy to his adorable puppy. "What the cabbage!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that kiwi-eating magazine stack." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the purported progress out of the dog toy, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the smelly shoe.
MORAL: A barking dog in time saves nine.
Millie said...
Once upon a time a screwed up goat nostril expert named Love Handle Larry felt an always tardy pain. He sent for a booger-coated surgeon who looked at his flummoxed stomach and said, "What the WHAAAAA?!" Then he muttered perspiringly, "I see your trouble. The unwanted pencil on your Snow White costume-wearing stomach is overlapping the Burgerville milkshake next to your kidney." The surgeon lip-smackingly took him to the yellow and questionable operating room of the hospital. There he made an eyeball-less incision reaching from the patient's cavity creep to his teenager in love. "Keep that guy away from my cocaine!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that minty fresh wet trampoline that splashes when you jump." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the T-shirt gun out of the frostbite, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the Fox News-watching and paranoid old man.
MORAL: A paramedic in time saves nine.
MORAL: A (noun) in time saves nine.
Heffalump said...
Once upon a time a pink polka-dotted pirate expert named Dudley felt a fur-lined pain. He sent for a nautically inspired surgeon who looked at his groovy stomach and said, "Holy Hot Cocoa!" Then he muttered emphatically, "I see your trouble. The sous chef on your ardent stomach is overlapping the baby carrot next to your kidney." The surgeon squelchingly took him to the lost in the Bermuda Triangle operating room of the hospital. There he made a spindly incision reaching from the patient's weiner dog to his IRS agent being pursued by angry taxpayers. "Serendipitous!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that effervescent rubber raft." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the water wings out of the school bus converted into a mobile home, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the sledgehammer.
MORAL: A Canadian mountie in time saves nine.
Klin said...
Once upon a time a torn up radiation fear expert named Muammar Gaddafi felt a soured pain. He sent for a disputed surgeon who looked at his minty flavor stomach and said, "Holy Batman!" Then he muttered blithely, "I see your trouble. The tsunami on your brand spanking new stomach is overlapping the nuclear reactor next to your kidney." The surgeon assiduously took him to the fluffy operating room of the hospital. There he made a not-quite-done incision reaching from the patient's birthday boy to his adorable puppy. "What the cabbage!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that kiwi-eating magazine stack." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the purported progress out of the dog toy, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the smelly shoe.
MORAL: A barking dog in time saves nine.
Millie said...
Once upon a time a screwed up goat nostril expert named Love Handle Larry felt an always tardy pain. He sent for a booger-coated surgeon who looked at his flummoxed stomach and said, "What the WHAAAAA?!" Then he muttered perspiringly, "I see your trouble. The unwanted pencil on your Snow White costume-wearing stomach is overlapping the Burgerville milkshake next to your kidney." The surgeon lip-smackingly took him to the yellow and questionable operating room of the hospital. There he made an eyeball-less incision reaching from the patient's cavity creep to his teenager in love. "Keep that guy away from my cocaine!" said the surgeon. "That takes care of that minty fresh wet trampoline that splashes when you jump." With that, he began sewing up the incision. However, on the tenth stitch the patient sneezed and almost pulled the T-shirt gun out of the frostbite, but the surgeon took one final stitch and saved the Fox News-watching and paranoid old man.
MORAL: A paramedic in time saves nine.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Ireland
Ireland is a beautiful, green island lying directly west of (place). In 250 B.C., Ireland was inhabited by short, dark (plural noun) who were later called "Picts." They intermarried with (adjective) Vikings and with Celts who were (plural noun) from Northern Europe. In 1846, a blight ruined the (noun) crop in Ireland and over a million Irishmen migrated to the United States. Many of their descendants have become very important American (plural noun).
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish (plural noun) are Smiling," "Did Your (noun) Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's (noun)."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, (place), and buy Irish linen (plural noun), and see the beautiful (plural noun) and lakes.
Mel Smell said...
Ireland is a beautiful, green island lying directly west of the Breast Reduction Clinic. In 250 B.C., Ireland was inhabited by short, dark butt snots who were later called "Picts." They intermarried with licks everything to claim it Vikings and with Celts who were old lady hosiery from Northern Europe. In 1846, a blight ruined the constant wedgie crop in Ireland and over a million Irishmen migrated to the United States. Many of their descendants have become very important American armpit tattoos.
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish Annoying Noise-making Mothers are Smiling," "Did Your Week-old Depends Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's Kitty Winker Perfume."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, Undie Stain Steam-Cleaning Factory, and buy Irish linen gerbil tank tops, and see the beautiful naughty baby snot bubbles and lakes.
Heffalump said...
Ireland is a beautiful, green island lying directly west of the Lost City of Atlantis. In 250 B.C., Ireland was inhabited by short, dark unicorns who were later called "Picts." They intermarried with mythical Vikings and with Celts who were mermaids from Northern Europe. In 1846, a blight ruined the Nessie crop in Ireland and over a million Irishmen migrated to the United States. Many of their descendants have become very important American Chupacabras.
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish Fairies are Smiling," "Did Your Magical Sword Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's Alternate Dimension."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, Neverland, and buy Irish linen zombies, and see the beautiful gargoyles and lakes.
Klin said...
Ireland is a beautiful, green island lying directly west of Grand Cayman Islands. In 250 B.C., Ireland was inhabited by short, dark football players who were later called "Picts." They intermarried with flirty Vikings and with Celts who were dogs and cats from Northern Europe. In 1846, a blight ruined the math homework crop in Ireland and over a million Irishmen migrated to the United States. Many of their descendants have become very important American Girl Scout cookies.
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish 49-cent Burritos are Smiling," "Did Your Cute-Adorable Puppy Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's Sassy Girl."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, Dance Hall, and buy Irish linen baby clothes, and see the beautiful cell phones and lakes.
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish (plural noun) are Smiling," "Did Your (noun) Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's (noun)."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, (place), and buy Irish linen (plural noun), and see the beautiful (plural noun) and lakes.
Mel Smell said...
Ireland is a beautiful, green island lying directly west of the Breast Reduction Clinic. In 250 B.C., Ireland was inhabited by short, dark butt snots who were later called "Picts." They intermarried with licks everything to claim it Vikings and with Celts who were old lady hosiery from Northern Europe. In 1846, a blight ruined the constant wedgie crop in Ireland and over a million Irishmen migrated to the United States. Many of their descendants have become very important American armpit tattoos.
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish Annoying Noise-making Mothers are Smiling," "Did Your Week-old Depends Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's Kitty Winker Perfume."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, Undie Stain Steam-Cleaning Factory, and buy Irish linen gerbil tank tops, and see the beautiful naughty baby snot bubbles and lakes.
Heffalump said...
Ireland is a beautiful, green island lying directly west of the Lost City of Atlantis. In 250 B.C., Ireland was inhabited by short, dark unicorns who were later called "Picts." They intermarried with mythical Vikings and with Celts who were mermaids from Northern Europe. In 1846, a blight ruined the Nessie crop in Ireland and over a million Irishmen migrated to the United States. Many of their descendants have become very important American Chupacabras.
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish Fairies are Smiling," "Did Your Magical Sword Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's Alternate Dimension."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, Neverland, and buy Irish linen zombies, and see the beautiful gargoyles and lakes.
Klin said...
Ireland is a beautiful, green island lying directly west of Grand Cayman Islands. In 250 B.C., Ireland was inhabited by short, dark football players who were later called "Picts." They intermarried with flirty Vikings and with Celts who were dogs and cats from Northern Europe. In 1846, a blight ruined the math homework crop in Ireland and over a million Irishmen migrated to the United States. Many of their descendants have become very important American Girl Scout cookies.
The Irish are noted for their poetry and songs. Some of these Irish songs are: "When Irish 49-cent Burritos are Smiling," "Did Your Cute-Adorable Puppy Come From Ireland?" and "McNamara's Sassy Girl."
Thousands of American tourists go to Ireland every year to visit its capital, Dance Hall, and buy Irish linen baby clothes, and see the beautiful cell phones and lakes.
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