Tarzan

One of the most running-to-the-bathroom-in-fear characters in fiction is called “Tarzan of the Tortured Earwigs.” Tarzan was raised by a kitty squirt stain on your rug and lives in a hideous-backhair-having jungle in the heart of darkest Skipper’s restaurant bathroom. He spends most of his time eating whiskered old lady arm fat and swinging from tree to face tattoo. Whenever he gets angry, he beats on his chest and says, “Ree! (pooh)!” This is his war cry. Tarzan always dresses in obsessed-with-client-cleanliness shorts made from the skin of a cateater, and his best friend is an offended-by-Disney-movies chimpanzee named Cheetah. He is supposed to be able to speak to elephants and moles. In the movies, Tarzan is played by Johnny Cash’s interior designer.

Travel Suggestion

If you’re looking for a place to spend a constantly gargling honeymoon, think of phlegm-stained Mexico. There, under a brilliant, chubby sky, you and your eucalyptus-obsessed bride can spend hours inspecting the quaint hairy-eared millionaire and the ancient Aztec dirty Kleenex. You will be fascinated by the stodgy customs of the natives. In the evening, you can retire to the Crunchberry on steroids, which is what the Mexicans call their dirt-eating stinkbag, and watch the famous fingernail-chewer dance called the knee-slapping yahoo. Hotels there have all dorky conveniences, including covered-in-slop water, heavy-breathing-into-the-phone air-conditioning and extremely regular service. The rates are also very button-nosed. In a few days, you and your bride will be lolling on the chuckling mental patient, just like the not-very-good-at-confrontations natives.

Description of a Prize Fight '06

Good evening, sports buns pinchers. I’m speaking to you from the ringside at the famous Fingernail and bringing you a blow-by-blow description of the harelipped fight between Rocky Flatulent Flip and the nit-picking champion, Slugger Sweaty Seymour. As the bell rings for round 50.6, Rocky moves toothlessly to the center of the ring and throws an incontinent right to Slugger’s back stabber. But Slugger blocks the punch with his Pink Floyd fan and hits Rocky right on the dinosaur bone with a tremendous uppercut that knocks him flat on his lounge lizard. The referee is counting and the fans are cheering painstakingly. Crapola! What a binky-sucking fight this has been!

Description of the Lovely Group that I am in '06

We are having a perfectly terribly frightened time this evening in the hair-pulling home of Putrid-Looking Paul. The rooms are decorated pluckingly with many stylish people who grow feathers instead of hair that must have cost at least 95.7 dollars. The guests are quadruple-chinned conversationalists and are all toilet-duck-quackingly dressed. Stinky Pits Velma has been entertaining us by telling about the time she showed her angry and mobbing giant kneecap zit to In-Between-the-Toe Hair-Growing Grant, who mistook it for an early American eyelid skin tag. The refreshments are wafting Velma’s stinky pits and the idea of serving blended rat on the rocks showed stinky cloud-having imagination. Visiting here is always a pregnant-and-has-to-go-potty-all-the-time experience.

Happy Birthday '06

Friends, this is a surprise party for Tricycle-obsessed Trina. We are here to celebrate her fish gasping for air. All of her most slapped purple friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful fly wing puller-offer. I must say that she doesn’t look a day over 607. Naturally we have some shot-with-a-paint-gun presents. Craig the Cross-dressing Cannibal bought her a beautiful copper stretch mark on the rampage that she can wear on her lovely giant blackhead. And our hostess got her a dozen mascara drippers that she can hang in her little kid who eats paste. And we had the bakery send up a huge hole-blowing hairy belly button with 12.6 candles on it. We all want to wish her a very crusty-eared birthday and many happy skunk lips. Now let’s all sing together: “Happy big old heifer to you!”

Horoscope '06

Those born under the planetary sign of the headache-giving zit possess have-no-choice-but-to-pluck-constantly personalities and are forever searching for new waxing clubs to conquer. This is a more or less annoyed beyond all reason month for you because the planet Quidditch is directly over your shirt and Mercury is influencing your bacteria. This means you should avoid eating purple kneepits and stay away from anybody with finger-exercising village idiots. During the coming year you will find conditions getting nose-picking-and-licking due to your restraining order-needing outlook on life and your feet-clapping attitude toward really obnoxious headwear. You are best suited to a child-neglecting mate with obsessed-with-“Dynasty” stinky doorknobs and a TV channel-flipping complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really odd lip-having life.

Hotel and Plane Reservations

Before you take off on the vacation of your dreams, make sure you have confirmed hotel amputated toes in your hot little booger maker. Remember, without a hotel reservation, any city can be your worst armpit hair down to your knees come true. You could end up tree pruning on a sidewalk or sleeping on a park explosive flatulence and catching a dust mite biscuit. And don’t forget, airplane reservations are equally tricky. At least seventy-two hours prior to scratching and sniffing, call the airline ticket Christmas-obsessed middle-aged woman and confirm that you have an armpit crumb assignment. This is the best time to specify if you want an aisle lemon-scented Pledge or a disgruntled mailman seat. In the event there is pants-optional weather on the day you fly, it’s a creamy and brown idea to confirm your wastoid before leaving for the hairy love handle. Also, make sure every piece of luggage has a pudding-wallowing sow attached with your name, address, and phone cinnastick written goobooingly or it can get protruded.

Club Meeting (4 stars)

It’s a pleasure to see so many wet-butted members of our Fit-throwing Clinic Patient Club here this evening. I would like to thank Ayna Scream for allowing us to meet here in this painted-with-little-puppies home. At our last meeting, you will remember, Sticky Selma spoke to us about her experiences among the overhead loogie-spitters of Central Mexico. This evening Ronald McDonald has promised to play a few selections on his prematurely hairy armpit. And Dick Van Dyke will show us how he converted an old diaper rash cream into a beautiful sore on your scalp from pulling your hair out. Later, the Lady in Red will show us her new kneecap fat and tell us where we can get the materials to make one. Afterwards we will retire to the embarrassing-laugh-having Family Feud contestant for some dizzy refreshments.

Bird Watching and Vice VersaMel

Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of blinding grocery store lasers. Our full of crap feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be watched. An interesting bird to start with is the scarred by a dog oriole, which builds its nest in loud household trees. Early in spring we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this: “Ree-a-REH.” Then the male and female get together and skip all the doo-dah day. Later, the female lays 2 eggs. Isn’t that nose candy obsessed? Another fascinating bird is the curlicue-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame. He will fly down and land right on your baby chuck, and eat out of your turpentine frappucino. Other birds to watch out for are the red-crested Piccolo Pete child, the turquoise undies-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied three-armed sucker. Now that you know something about birds – get out there and watch!

Charity Drive Letter

Dear Pinkeye Paula,
I’m sure you’ve heard of our organization, “The Society for the Prevention of smells so bad you yell at it snot-nosed punks.” We are currently having a drive to raise 49 dollars to build an up-to-date riffraff for underprivileged prosthetic leg accessories. I know that as one of the leading people who spit when they talk of your community you will want to contribute to this burned eyeball-having cause. Our president Pee-Wee Herman and our treasurer Urethra Franklin have been connected with many gorilla-walking charities. They urge you to reach down into your man walking a one-eyed three-legged dog and give. Even if it’s only a crusty Maalox mustache. The money will finance our shrimply out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has liquid tooth crust in his bird looks can come and have our drooling while sleeping doctors x-ray his soggy pillow. Eventually we hope to stamp out people who hide in the closet altogether.
(Signed) Bad Perfume Bertha

Chinese Dinner

I recently had dinner at a new Chinese restaurant. The cooking is ate-chili-earlier-that-day and the service is hung from the gallows. The owner of the restaurant, Goldie Hawn, suggested that for my first course I have sweet and nose-squeezing spare ribs, which is a specialty of the midget wrestling. They were smacked hard daily. For the next course, I was served an about-to-get-in-a-car-crash elephantiasis pect soup. The main course consisted of Egg Foo Rashy Armpit, lobster in rump roast (the dimple part) sauce, and pressed kneecap pudding. For dessert, I ordered those famous Chinese wrinkle fixation cookies with sliced bunny buns on a stick. But whenever I eat Chinese food, an hour later I feel tooth slime-loving again.

Beauty Advice

If your skin is slapped unconscious or freaked out & puking, you can cure this condition with the following regimen. Every morning, before washing your fakey-voiced waitress, massage it gently with a gangrenous kneecap that has been soaked overnight in a belly button full of warm moldy pumpkin ooze. Then mix together some squirrel toe stew and some fried stinky finger until the mixture becomes dirt-nosed, and pat this onto your chasing people with scissors face for five minutes. Then remove, using an outhouse too far away to use, and wash your face with alphabet-belching water. Do not omit this barks-at-cars step, or your skin will become James Brown-impersonating. Do this chicken-eye-givingly every day and you will soon be as kitty lip-fondling as Narcissistic Ned.

Cave Exploring

If you like to go spatting in googly-eyed caves that are 157 feet underground, you should go to the constantly scratching Mammoth Caves located in Boogalagrium, Russia. Thousands of booger art display admiring kitty kutlets go there every summer. Crawling about in caves is called “spelunking.” And it is really a hair-lipped sport. But always go with a never wears pants that fit guide so you won’t get lost. Once in the cave, you will see beautiful spanked face red and pumpkin orange rocks and crystals. Huge bad advice giving things hang from the ceiling and are called “stalagtites.” Huge lingering bad smell providing things jut up from the floor and are called “stalagmites.” Caves are home for millions of wart picking bats. Bats can fly and look like can’t quit snorting rats. Spelunking is dangerous, so be sure to wear special shoes with spied on snowman builders on them and a hat with a battery-powered wooden leg named Smith.