Letter of Complaint

Dear Sir or (noun),

I just spent a miserable weekend at your (adjective) hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown (noun) was an outrageous (noun). You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of (plural noun). All I found in my room was a trash (noun) filled with old (plural noun). You also claimed to offer free overnight (verb ending in "ING") in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new (noun) across the street in a vacant (noun). It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were (adverb) inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my (noun), but he broke two of my (part of the body - plural) while giving me a Swedish (noun). Your room service was a/an (adjective) joke! They not only served burnt (noun) but spilled a hot cup of (noun) all over my newly pressed (noun). I had to go to a business meeting wearing a/an (noun)! I'm planning to sue you for a million (plural noun).

Klin said... (Yay! You're back!)
Dear Sir or Grandbaby,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your smelly hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown burp diaper was an outrageous chihuahua. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of poopy diapers. All I found in my room was a trash schnauzer/shi tzu mix dog filled with old pulled pork sandwiches. You also claimed to offer free overnight flooding in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Provo Canyon across the street in a vacant sidewalk. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were much inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my rainy day, but he broke two of my nostrils while giving me a Swedish hand sanitizer. Your room service was an adorable joke! They not only served burnt scrapbook but spilled a hot cup of relaxing drive all over my newly pressed flour canister. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a potsticker! I'm planning to sue you for a million bean burritos.

Millie said...
Dear Sir or Ketchup Stain,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your low on funds hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown sap drip was an outrageous kitty trousers. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of cherry pies. All I found in my room was a trash creep in the lingerie aisle filled with old stake high councilors. You also claimed to offer free overnight wafting in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new death breath across the street in a vacant tall drink of water. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were subversively inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my usurped PTA president, but he broke two of my tootsies while giving me a Swedish four-leaf clover. Your room service was an offended by E.T. joke! They not only served burnt Beach Boy but spilled a hot cup of country song about going into rehab all over my newly pressed turkey neck. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a suspicious brown crumb! I'm planning to sue you for a million corn on the cob holders.

Heffalump said...
Dear Sir or Telescope,

I just spent a miserable weekend at your creepy hotel. Your advertisement in my hometown ski mask was an outrageous gag. You said you provided guests with a welcome basket of zip ties. All I found in my room was a trash chloroform filled with old rubber gloves. You also claimed to offer free overnight pleading in your garage. Not true, Fella. Your garage was all filled up, and I had to park my new Polaroid camera across the street in a vacant ransom note written with poorly cut out letters from a magazine. It was stolen!

And about your hotel staff - they were horrifyingly inadequate. Your so-called expert masseur not only stuck a finger in my lock pick, but he broke two of my fingerprints while giving me a Swedish taser. Your room service was a stealthy joke! They not only served burnt getaway car but spilled a hot cup of duct tape all over my newly pressed rope. I had to go to a business meeting wearing a black sweatsuit! I'm planning to sue you for a million shoes with common treads.