Dear (name of person in room),
Well, here we are at the (adjective) Seaside Hotel in (a place). The weather is (adjective) and the temperature is (number) degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with (a food) trees and tropical (plural noun). The natives are all (adjective) and spend their time (verb ending in ING) and riding their (plural noun) through the streets. Most of them only speak (a language), but I can communicate with them by making signs with my (part of body, plural). The local food is really (adjective). Mostly they eat (adjective) burritos and refried (a food, plural). Our hotel only costs a hundred (silly word, plural) a day. We are going to spend the week (verb ending in ING) and then come home. Wish you were here.
Millie said...
Dear Hortense,
Well, here we are at the blueberry-obsessed Seaside Hotel in Shrimpsburgh. The weather is swarming with angry bees and the temperature is 23871 degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with ribs trees and tropical duck butts. The natives are all donkey-flavored and spend their time snorting nasal spray and riding their fat guys in little coats through the streets. Most of them only speak Cantonese, but I can communicate with them by making signs with my nose pores. The local food is really ruffly and girly. Mostly they eat picked over and discarded burritos and refried waffle cones. Our hotel only costs a hundred ah-cha-cha-chas a day. We are going to spend the week gluing cotton balls to construction paper and then come home. Wish you were here.
Klin said...
Dear Sean Hannity,
Well, here we are at the kicking hot Seaside Hotel in the plain states. The weather is succulent and sour and the temperature is 5309 degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with homemade creamy cheesy potato soup trees and tropical Olympic athletes. The natives are all twisted in a cool way and spend their time ballroom dancing and riding their success stories through the streets. Most of them only speak Slovak, but I can communicate with them by making signs with my orifices of snot. The local food is really quick. Mostly they eat arduous burritos and refried homemade dinner rolls of deliciousness. Our hotel only costs a hundred blegsquesters a day. We are going to spend the week high jumping and then come home. Wish you were here.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter said...
Dear John "I'm a total D-Bag" Mayer,
Well, here we are at the fed-up Seaside Hotel in The Olympic Village. The weather is delectable and the temperature is 815 degrees. Our hotel room looks out onto a garden filled with Bubba Gump Shrimp trees and tropical acne scars. The natives are all misunderstood and spend their time break-dancing and riding their overdue bills through the streets. Most of them only speak Pig Latin, but I can communicate with them by making signs with my nostrils. The local food is really smarmy. Mostly they eat nasty-tasting burritos and refried Frosties from Wendy's. Our hotel only costs a hundred flibbertygibbits a day. We are going to spend the week deep sea fishing and then come home. Wish you were here.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Oscar Acceptance Speech
Thank you, ladies and (plural noun). I'm so nervous. My (noun) is beating a/an (noun) a minute. I didn't prepare a/an (noun). I never expected to win this (adjective) Oscar. I have so many people to (verb). First and foremost, my (adjective) co-star - (person in room) - who was always in my dressing (noun), held my (part of body) when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me a/an (adjective) pat on my (noun) when I did well. I also want to thank my (adjective) director, my (adjective) producer, and of course, the (adjective) writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my (adjective) fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture (noun) who were responsible for my (verb ending in ING) this (adjective) award. Bless your (plural noun).
Millie said...
Thank you, ladies and forceps. I'm so nervous. My idiot stalker with no life and a severe butt acne problem is beating a gunmetal nail polish a minute. I didn't prepare a Hip Hop Abs DVD. I never expected to win this spanked Oscar. I have so many people to whistle at. First and foremost, my perturbed by old women co-star - Uncle Flagellum - who was always in my dressing cockroach bent on revenge, held my tooth when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me a helium-filled pat on my yummy liplock when I did well. I also want to thank my stuffed with pastries and drunk with power director, my eerily glowing producer, and of course, the dip-headed writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my indiscriminately shooting at wild hogs fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Abnormal Protrusion who were responsible for my greasing this purple award. Bless your dirty camera straps.
Heffalump said...
Thank you, ladies and monkey lips. I'm so nervous. My piggy bank is beating a flamboyant dancer a minute. I didn't prepare a hamster wheel. I never expected to win this red Oscar. I have so many people to pirouette. First and foremost, my yellow co-star - Hello Kitty - who was always in my dressing unicycle, held my navel when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me a blue pat on my mime asked to perform at a school for the blind when I did well. I also want to thank my loud director, my electrifying producer, and of course, the pain induced writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my wheezy fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Construction Zone who were responsible for my shimmying this booby trapped award. Bless your rainbow suspenders.
Klin said...
Thank you, ladies and long traffic lights. I'm so nervous. My Wisconsin cheese is beating a white-trash culture a minute. I didn't prepare a fabulous daughter. I never expected to win this perty cool Oscar. I have so many people to fart. First and foremost, my silly-silly-silly co-star - Goofy - who was always in my dressing Hall's cough drop, held my cuticle when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me a puke-tasting pat on my studly snow tire when I did well. I also want to thank my big brother teasing director, my happy-kid screaming producer, and of course, the hair-pulling writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my ugly man ponytail-sporting fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Ooh La La Disco Dance who were responsible for my snotting this involuntarily planting-eating award. Bless your stupid cartoons.
Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
Thank you, ladies and bunches of bruised bananas. I'm so nervous. My carpet stain remover is beating a broken toe a minute. I didn't prepare a Tupperware container of fuzzy leftovers. I never expected to win this tired Oscar. I have so many people to sail through. First and foremost, my cold co-star - Dolly Parton - who was always in my dressing snow-covered patio table umbrella, held my knee cap when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me an unimaginative pat on my grumpy employee when I did well. I also want to thank my oozing with charm director, my oozing with pus producer, and of course, the enjoyable as nails on a chalkboard writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my venomous fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Empty Bank Account who were responsible for my vacating this headache-inducing award. Bless your greasy grimey gopher guts.
FluffyChicky said...
Thank you, ladies and fat and droopy eyelids. I'm so nervous. My cheese grater is beating a One-Eyed Willie a minute. I didn't prepare an overweight Brendan Fraser impersonator. I never expected to win this slap-happy Oscar. I have so many people to vomit. First and foremost, my smelly co-star - Old Man Jenkins’ crazed ex-wife - who was always in my dressing nose nugget, held my boobs in need of some serious lift when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me an unfortunate-looking pat on my worn out Kermit the Frog puppet when I did well. I also want to thank my Beatle-wig-wearing director, my bug-eyed producer, and of course, the oozing writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my coma-inducing fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Unopenable Pickle Jar who were responsible for my sexually harassing this cry-your-eyes-out-ugly award. Bless your sweaty armpits.
Millie said...
Thank you, ladies and forceps. I'm so nervous. My idiot stalker with no life and a severe butt acne problem is beating a gunmetal nail polish a minute. I didn't prepare a Hip Hop Abs DVD. I never expected to win this spanked Oscar. I have so many people to whistle at. First and foremost, my perturbed by old women co-star - Uncle Flagellum - who was always in my dressing cockroach bent on revenge, held my tooth when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me a helium-filled pat on my yummy liplock when I did well. I also want to thank my stuffed with pastries and drunk with power director, my eerily glowing producer, and of course, the dip-headed writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my indiscriminately shooting at wild hogs fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Abnormal Protrusion who were responsible for my greasing this purple award. Bless your dirty camera straps.
Heffalump said...
Thank you, ladies and monkey lips. I'm so nervous. My piggy bank is beating a flamboyant dancer a minute. I didn't prepare a hamster wheel. I never expected to win this red Oscar. I have so many people to pirouette. First and foremost, my yellow co-star - Hello Kitty - who was always in my dressing unicycle, held my navel when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me a blue pat on my mime asked to perform at a school for the blind when I did well. I also want to thank my loud director, my electrifying producer, and of course, the pain induced writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my wheezy fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Construction Zone who were responsible for my shimmying this booby trapped award. Bless your rainbow suspenders.
Klin said...
Thank you, ladies and long traffic lights. I'm so nervous. My Wisconsin cheese is beating a white-trash culture a minute. I didn't prepare a fabulous daughter. I never expected to win this perty cool Oscar. I have so many people to fart. First and foremost, my silly-silly-silly co-star - Goofy - who was always in my dressing Hall's cough drop, held my cuticle when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me a puke-tasting pat on my studly snow tire when I did well. I also want to thank my big brother teasing director, my happy-kid screaming producer, and of course, the hair-pulling writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my ugly man ponytail-sporting fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Ooh La La Disco Dance who were responsible for my snotting this involuntarily planting-eating award. Bless your stupid cartoons.
Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
Thank you, ladies and bunches of bruised bananas. I'm so nervous. My carpet stain remover is beating a broken toe a minute. I didn't prepare a Tupperware container of fuzzy leftovers. I never expected to win this tired Oscar. I have so many people to sail through. First and foremost, my cold co-star - Dolly Parton - who was always in my dressing snow-covered patio table umbrella, held my knee cap when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me an unimaginative pat on my grumpy employee when I did well. I also want to thank my oozing with charm director, my oozing with pus producer, and of course, the enjoyable as nails on a chalkboard writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my venomous fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Empty Bank Account who were responsible for my vacating this headache-inducing award. Bless your greasy grimey gopher guts.
FluffyChicky said...
Thank you, ladies and fat and droopy eyelids. I'm so nervous. My cheese grater is beating a One-Eyed Willie a minute. I didn't prepare an overweight Brendan Fraser impersonator. I never expected to win this slap-happy Oscar. I have so many people to vomit. First and foremost, my smelly co-star - Old Man Jenkins’ crazed ex-wife - who was always in my dressing nose nugget, held my boobs in need of some serious lift when I was in trouble, and never failed to compliment me or give me an unfortunate-looking pat on my worn out Kermit the Frog puppet when I did well. I also want to thank my Beatle-wig-wearing director, my bug-eyed producer, and of course, the oozing writer of the screenplay. Most of all, I want to thank you, my coma-inducing fans, and all the members of the Motion Picture Unopenable Pickle Jar who were responsible for my sexually harassing this cry-your-eyes-out-ugly award. Bless your sweaty armpits.
Friday, February 12, 2010
My Dream Man
Happy Valentine's Day on Sunday
My "Dream Man" should, first of all, be very (adjective) and (adjective). He should have a physique like (name of personality), a profile like (name of personality), and the intelligence of a/an (animal).
He must be polite and always remember to light my (noun), to tip his (noun), and to take my (noun) when crossing the street.
He should move (adverb), should have a/an (adjective) voice, and should always dress (adverb). I would also like him to be a/an (adjective) dancer, and when we're alone, he should whisper (adjective) nothings in my (noun) and hold my (adjective) (noun).
I know a/an (adjective) man like this is hard to find. In fact, the only one I can think of is (name of person in room).
Millie said...
My "Dream Man" should, first of all, be very chartreuse with envy and blind in one eye. He should have a physique like Goat Boy, a profile like one of the Thompson Twins, and the intelligence of a buffalo.
He must be polite and always remember to light my errant chin whisker, to tip his Sweetheart Ball dancer, and to take my major skankwad when crossing the street.
He should move cross-examiningly, should have a fumbling voice, and should always dress suspiciously. I would also like him to be a dimwitted dancer, and when we're alone, he should whisper "thrilled with his new jello salad recipe" nothings in my angry rash and hold my Mormon Rap-loving toadstool.
I know a freaked out by monkeys man like this is hard to find. In fact, the only one I can think of is The Human Yawn.
Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
My "Dream Man" should, first of all, be very frickin' cold!!! and agitated. He should have a physique like Jay Leno, a profile like Conan O'Brien, and the intelligence of a giraffe.
He must be polite and always remember to light my bag o'glass, to tip his broken fingernail, and to take my outdated cell phone when crossing the street.
He should move gingerly, should have a french-fried voice, and should always dress forcefully. I would also like him to be an ample dancer, and when we're alone, he should whisper minimized nothings in my tainted hamburger which incited food poisoning and hold my enveloped, pouty 2 year old child.
I know a fuzzy man like this is hard to find. In fact, the only one I can think of is David Letterman.
My "Dream Man" should, first of all, be very (adjective) and (adjective). He should have a physique like (name of personality), a profile like (name of personality), and the intelligence of a/an (animal).
He must be polite and always remember to light my (noun), to tip his (noun), and to take my (noun) when crossing the street.
He should move (adverb), should have a/an (adjective) voice, and should always dress (adverb). I would also like him to be a/an (adjective) dancer, and when we're alone, he should whisper (adjective) nothings in my (noun) and hold my (adjective) (noun).
I know a/an (adjective) man like this is hard to find. In fact, the only one I can think of is (name of person in room).
Millie said...
My "Dream Man" should, first of all, be very chartreuse with envy and blind in one eye. He should have a physique like Goat Boy, a profile like one of the Thompson Twins, and the intelligence of a buffalo.
He must be polite and always remember to light my errant chin whisker, to tip his Sweetheart Ball dancer, and to take my major skankwad when crossing the street.
He should move cross-examiningly, should have a fumbling voice, and should always dress suspiciously. I would also like him to be a dimwitted dancer, and when we're alone, he should whisper "thrilled with his new jello salad recipe" nothings in my angry rash and hold my Mormon Rap-loving toadstool.
I know a freaked out by monkeys man like this is hard to find. In fact, the only one I can think of is The Human Yawn.
Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
My "Dream Man" should, first of all, be very frickin' cold!!! and agitated. He should have a physique like Jay Leno, a profile like Conan O'Brien, and the intelligence of a giraffe.
He must be polite and always remember to light my bag o'glass, to tip his broken fingernail, and to take my outdated cell phone when crossing the street.
He should move gingerly, should have a french-fried voice, and should always dress forcefully. I would also like him to be an ample dancer, and when we're alone, he should whisper minimized nothings in my tainted hamburger which incited food poisoning and hold my enveloped, pouty 2 year old child.
I know a fuzzy man like this is hard to find. In fact, the only one I can think of is David Letterman.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Fortune Cookie
Chinese New Year begins February 14, 2010... it's the Year of the Tiger.
No matter what city you visit, there's bound to be a Chinatown, a Chinese restaurant, and, of course, Chinese fortune cookies, which might say:
1. A romantic (noun) will add interest to your otherwise (adjective) life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of (plural noun) from a dear, departed (noun).
3. You are admired by your fellow (plural noun) for your ability to (verb) under (adjective) pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh (adverb) on your (part of body), you are never without a sense of (noun).
5. You tackle difficult (plural noun) with (adjective) skill and the confidence of a much older (noun).
Heffalump said...
1. A romantic extra chunky peanut butter will add interest to your otherwise aromatic life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of ineffective bicycle fenders from a dear, departed gravity defying monkey.
3. You are admired by your fellow Solid Gold Dancers for your ability to juggle under intense pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh dodgingly on your thumb knuckle, you are never without a sense of pain free hair removal system.
5. You tackle difficult flaming bowling pins with neon lighted skill and the confidence of a much older local square dance hall.
Millie said...
1. A romantic psychotic funeral picketer will add interest to your otherwise about-to-be-slapped life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of flibbertigibbets from a dear, departed toe-curling belch.
3. You are admired by your fellow shrunken heads on sale at a shop in Ho Chi Minh City for your ability to desecrate under hulking and scary pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh half-heartedly on your blackhead, you are never without a sense of poodle painted green.
5. You tackle difficult Adam Lambert assault victims with dangerously alluring skill and the confidence of a much older Krusty Krab.
Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
1. A romantic Mysterious Island will add interest to your otherwise existential life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of The Others from a dear, departed Smoke Monster.
3. You are admired by your fellow tiki torches for your ability to time-travel under fear-inducing pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh sinisterly on your abs, you are never without a sense of Benjamin Linus, the Lying Liar who Lies about Lies.
5. You tackle difficult fake beards with mind boggling skill and the confidence of a much older polar bear.
No matter what city you visit, there's bound to be a Chinatown, a Chinese restaurant, and, of course, Chinese fortune cookies, which might say:
1. A romantic (noun) will add interest to your otherwise (adjective) life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of (plural noun) from a dear, departed (noun).
3. You are admired by your fellow (plural noun) for your ability to (verb) under (adjective) pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh (adverb) on your (part of body), you are never without a sense of (noun).
5. You tackle difficult (plural noun) with (adjective) skill and the confidence of a much older (noun).
Heffalump said...
1. A romantic extra chunky peanut butter will add interest to your otherwise aromatic life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of ineffective bicycle fenders from a dear, departed gravity defying monkey.
3. You are admired by your fellow Solid Gold Dancers for your ability to juggle under intense pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh dodgingly on your thumb knuckle, you are never without a sense of pain free hair removal system.
5. You tackle difficult flaming bowling pins with neon lighted skill and the confidence of a much older local square dance hall.
Millie said...
1. A romantic psychotic funeral picketer will add interest to your otherwise about-to-be-slapped life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of flibbertigibbets from a dear, departed toe-curling belch.
3. You are admired by your fellow shrunken heads on sale at a shop in Ho Chi Minh City for your ability to desecrate under hulking and scary pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh half-heartedly on your blackhead, you are never without a sense of poodle painted green.
5. You tackle difficult Adam Lambert assault victims with dangerously alluring skill and the confidence of a much older Krusty Krab.
Lt Col Samantha Carter said...
1. A romantic Mysterious Island will add interest to your otherwise existential life.
2. You will inherit a large sum of The Others from a dear, departed Smoke Monster.
3. You are admired by your fellow tiki torches for your ability to time-travel under fear-inducing pressure.
4. Although thoughts weigh sinisterly on your abs, you are never without a sense of Benjamin Linus, the Lying Liar who Lies about Lies.
5. You tackle difficult fake beards with mind boggling skill and the confidence of a much older polar bear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)