Dear (name of person),
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of (adjective) (plural nouns)." We are currently having a drive to raise (number) dollars to build an up-to-date (noun) for underprivileged (plural noun). I know that as one of the leading (plural noun) of your community, you will want to contribute to this (adjective) cause. Our president, (celebrity), and our treasurer, (celebrity), have been connected with many (adjective) charities. They urge you to reach down into your (noun) and give. Even if it's only a (noun). The money will finance our (adjective) out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has (liquid) in his (plural noun) can come and have our (adjective) doctors x-ray his (noun). Eventually we hope to stamp out (plural noun) altogether.
(Signed) (name of person)
Millie said...
Dear Ferdinand,
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of Loudly Slurped Red-headed Stepchildren." We are currently having a drive to raise 382 dollars to build an up-to-date gutless flipflopper for underprivileged egg cups. I know that as one of the leading sweat pockets of your community, you will want to contribute to this 700 Club-avoiding cause. Our president, Phil Donahue, and our treasurer, Olivia de Havilland, have been connected with many plum blossom-carpeted charities. They urge you to reach down into your obnoxious hallway bra-snapper and give. Even if it's only a twit. The money will finance our squeaking unintelligibly out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has ripe melon ooze in his origami experiments can come and have our spanking fresh doctors x-ray his forgotten sack lunch. Eventually we hope to stamp out cows altogether.
(Signed) Marchetta
Heffalump said...
Dear Fred,
I'm sure you've heard of our organization, "The Society for the Prevention of Spherical Aebelskiver." We are currently having a drive to raise 17 dollars to build an up-to-date baby carrot for underprivileged fences. I know that as one of the leading helicopters of your community, you will want to contribute to this syrupy cause. Our president, Bozo the Clown, and our treasurer, Cher, have been connected with many speckled charities. They urge you to reach down into your pudding cup and give. Even if it's only a ball peen hammer. The money will finance our delicious out-patient clinic where anyone who thinks he has formaldehyde in his singing sensations can come and have our ape-like doctors x-ray his rutabaga. Eventually we hope to stamp out trapeze artists altogether.
(Signed) Wilma
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Easter
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the (plural noun) get (number) weeks off. The (adjective) teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the (noun). Others get outside and play (a game), while more ambitious students spend their time studying their (adjective) books so they will grow up to become (plural noun). Little kids also color (adjective) eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of (adjective) dye in a bowl full of (liquid). Then dip the (noun) in the bowl and rinse it off with (liquid). Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a/an (adjective) egg!"
Heffalump said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the hedgehogs get 8.73 weeks off. The gregarious teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the tour guide. Others get outside and play Break the Safe, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their sparkly books so they will grow up to become shoe horns. Little kids also color liver-spotted eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of swirly-warranting dye in a bowl full of hand lotion. Then dip the crop duster in the bowl and rinse it off with carbonated spinach juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a boss egg!"
Klin said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the mountains get 44 weeks off. The fuschia teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the Jeep. Others get outside and play Double Dutch Jump Rope, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their flirty books so they will grow up to become babies. Little kids also color fast eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of silent dye in a bowl full of Clorox Bleach. Then dip the Rock in the bowl and rinse it off with apple juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a happy egg!"
Millie said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the palm fronds get 835 weeks off. The sniffing repeatedly teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the scalp scab. Others get outside and play Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their obsessed with Scotland books so they will grow up to become seaweed jumpropes. Little kids also color red-blinking eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of caterpillar-resembling dye in a bowl full of snot. Then dip the light bulb in the bowl and rinse it off with grenadine. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a mustachioed egg!"
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of (adjective) dye in a bowl full of (liquid). Then dip the (noun) in the bowl and rinse it off with (liquid). Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a/an (adjective) egg!"
Heffalump said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the hedgehogs get 8.73 weeks off. The gregarious teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the tour guide. Others get outside and play Break the Safe, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their sparkly books so they will grow up to become shoe horns. Little kids also color liver-spotted eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of swirly-warranting dye in a bowl full of hand lotion. Then dip the crop duster in the bowl and rinse it off with carbonated spinach juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a boss egg!"
Klin said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the mountains get 44 weeks off. The fuschia teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the Jeep. Others get outside and play Double Dutch Jump Rope, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their flirty books so they will grow up to become babies. Little kids also color fast eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of silent dye in a bowl full of Clorox Bleach. Then dip the Rock in the bowl and rinse it off with apple juice. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a happy egg!"
Millie said...
Easter vacations usually fall around Easter time. The schools are closed and all the palm fronds get 835 weeks off. The sniffing repeatedly teachers also get a vacation. There are a lot of things to do on Easter vacation. Some kids loaf around and watch the scalp scab. Others get outside and play Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?, while more ambitious students spend their time studying their obsessed with Scotland books so they will grow up to become seaweed jumpropes. Little kids also color red-blinking eggs.
Here's how you color an egg: First mix a package of caterpillar-resembling dye in a bowl full of snot. Then dip the light bulb in the bowl and rinse it off with grenadine. Then after it dries, you can paint on it with a brush. Then you show it to your friends who will say, "Boy, what a mustachioed egg!"
Friday, April 15, 2011
Advice to Prospective Parents
Congratulations to all of you (adjective) mothers and (adjective) fathers. You are about to give birth to a/an (noun). Remember, a happy child comes from a happy (noun). Undoubtedly, the (noun) will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little (noun) its bottle of (adjective) milk. Later, when he's (number) years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little (plural noun) around the house. And in no time he'll be talking (adverb) and calling you his "(noun)" and "(noun)." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of (plural noun).
Millie said...
Congratulations to all of you socially unaware mothers and fakey-voiced fathers. You are about to give birth to a rhino horn. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy skeptical eyebrow lifter. Undoubtedly, the knuckle hair will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little dried out deodorant cake its bottle of two sizes too small milk. Later, when he's 12 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little workplace restroom frequenters who feel comfortable conversing while pottying around the house. And in no time he'll be talking belchingly and calling you his "nonpareil" and "snobby Mayflower descendant." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of questionable taste in music.
Millie said...
Congratulations to all of you socially unaware mothers and fakey-voiced fathers. You are about to give birth to a rhino horn. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy skeptical eyebrow lifter. Undoubtedly, the knuckle hair will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little dried out deodorant cake its bottle of two sizes too small milk. Later, when he's 12 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little workplace restroom frequenters who feel comfortable conversing while pottying around the house. And in no time he'll be talking belchingly and calling you his "nonpareil" and "snobby Mayflower descendant." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of questionable taste in music.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Horoscope
Those born under the planetary sign of the (noun) possess (adjective) personalities and are forever searching for new (plural noun) to conquer. This is a more or less (adjective) month for you because the planet (silly word) is directly over your (noun) and Mercury is influencing your (plural noun). This means you should avoid eating (plural noun) and stay away from anybody with (adjective) (plural noun). During the coming year you will find conditions getting (adjective) due to your (adjective) outlook on life and your (adjective) attitude toward (plural noun). You are best suited to a (adjective) mate with (adjective) (plural noun) and a (adjective) complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really (adjective) life.
Heffalump said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the chimpanzee possess purple personalities and are forever searching for new siblings to conquer. This is a more or less stretchy month for you because the planet Sesquipedalian is directly over your rutabaga and Mercury is influencing your aliens. This means you should avoid eating farmers and stay away from anybody with aboriginal Christmas lights. During the coming year you will find conditions getting mustache-wearing due to your dappled outlook on life and your slimy attitude toward rubber gloves. You are best suited to an adequate mate with expectant M&Ms and a slim complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really sour-faced life.
Klin said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the lame billing department possess glowing personalities and are forever searching for new Mogadorians to conquer. This is a more or less fruity month for you because the planet Lady GaGa is directly over your Crazy 8 store and Mercury is influencing your travelers. This means you should avoid eating Lorien Symbols and stay away from anybody with warm and vanilla-y aliens. During the coming year you will find conditions getting ice cold due to your freakin' outlook on life and your tired attitude toward new cars. You are best suited to a huddled mate with loud snowflakes and a lousy complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really smelly life.
Millie said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the shrinkage possess rhymes like Dr. Seuss personalities and are forever searching for new misguided Obama supporters to conquer. This is a more or less oddly protruding month for you because the planet Flagellum is directly over your slurped soup and Mercury is influencing your plum tarts. This means you should avoid eating old coots and stay away from anybody with Honeycomb cereal-horfing goobies. During the coming year you will find conditions getting light switchy due to your pants optional outlook on life and your crispy attitude toward public butt pinchers. You are best suited to a shifty-eyed mate with frequently bamboozled wooden legs named Smith and a razor-tailed complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really can't spare a square life.
Heffalump said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the chimpanzee possess purple personalities and are forever searching for new siblings to conquer. This is a more or less stretchy month for you because the planet Sesquipedalian is directly over your rutabaga and Mercury is influencing your aliens. This means you should avoid eating farmers and stay away from anybody with aboriginal Christmas lights. During the coming year you will find conditions getting mustache-wearing due to your dappled outlook on life and your slimy attitude toward rubber gloves. You are best suited to an adequate mate with expectant M&Ms and a slim complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really sour-faced life.
Klin said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the lame billing department possess glowing personalities and are forever searching for new Mogadorians to conquer. This is a more or less fruity month for you because the planet Lady GaGa is directly over your Crazy 8 store and Mercury is influencing your travelers. This means you should avoid eating Lorien Symbols and stay away from anybody with warm and vanilla-y aliens. During the coming year you will find conditions getting ice cold due to your freakin' outlook on life and your tired attitude toward new cars. You are best suited to a huddled mate with loud snowflakes and a lousy complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really smelly life.
Millie said...
Those born under the planetary sign of the shrinkage possess rhymes like Dr. Seuss personalities and are forever searching for new misguided Obama supporters to conquer. This is a more or less oddly protruding month for you because the planet Flagellum is directly over your slurped soup and Mercury is influencing your plum tarts. This means you should avoid eating old coots and stay away from anybody with Honeycomb cereal-horfing goobies. During the coming year you will find conditions getting light switchy due to your pants optional outlook on life and your crispy attitude toward public butt pinchers. You are best suited to a shifty-eyed mate with frequently bamboozled wooden legs named Smith and a razor-tailed complexion, which means, of course, that you can look forward to a really can't spare a square life.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Newspaper Ads
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This (adjective) car is in a (adjective) condition. It was formerly owned by a (adjective) school teacher who always drove it (adverb). There is a (adjective) (noun) in the back seat and a chrome (noun) on the hood. It has a (adjective) paint job, (adjective) tires, and the back opens out into a (adjective) (noun). Will consider taking slightly used (noun) in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of (geographical location), a (adjective) French poodle with (adjective) hair and a (adjective) tail. It answers to the name of (name of person) and when last seen was carrying a (noun) in its mouth. A (adjective) reward is offered.
Heffalump said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This petulant car is in an uncanny condition. It was formerly owned by a flippant school teacher who always drove it famously. There is a grandiose potbelled pig in the back seat and a chrome pitchfork on the hood. It has a snarky paint job, melodramatic tires, and the back opens out into an albino petunia. Will consider taking slightly used aardvark in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Boring, OR, a back-biting French poodle with sarcastic hair and a purified tail. It answers to the name of Jeeves and when last seen was carrying a dishwasher in its mouth. A toxic reward is offered.
Klin said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This Texas-sized car is in a ridiculous condition. It was formerly owned by a froglike school teacher who always drove it poorly. There is a hostile bad love song in the back seat and a chrome annoying ring tone on the hood. It has a far-fetched paint job, fresh tires, and the back opens out into a broken precocious animal. Will consider taking slightly used duck poop in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Manti La Sal Mountains, an orange French poodle with snotty hair and an epic tail. It answers to the name of Cher and when last seen was carrying an escape artist in its mouth. A dark reward is offered.
Millie said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This brassaholic car is in a fire-breathing condition. It was formerly owned by a pointless school teacher who always drove it drunkenly. There is a persnickety yearly bather in the back seat and a chrome shyster on the hood. It has a candle-obsessed paint job, invisible tires, and the back opens out into a slave-driving hypochondriac. Will consider taking slightly used singer of horribly catchy songs in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Passamaquoddy, a bought-for-$50 French poodle with cave-dwelling hair and a conniving tail. It answers to the name of Pete and when last seen was carrying a fingernail in its mouth. A green reward is offered.
LOST: In the vicinity of (geographical location), a (adjective) French poodle with (adjective) hair and a (adjective) tail. It answers to the name of (name of person) and when last seen was carrying a (noun) in its mouth. A (adjective) reward is offered.
Heffalump said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This petulant car is in an uncanny condition. It was formerly owned by a flippant school teacher who always drove it famously. There is a grandiose potbelled pig in the back seat and a chrome pitchfork on the hood. It has a snarky paint job, melodramatic tires, and the back opens out into an albino petunia. Will consider taking slightly used aardvark in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Boring, OR, a back-biting French poodle with sarcastic hair and a purified tail. It answers to the name of Jeeves and when last seen was carrying a dishwasher in its mouth. A toxic reward is offered.
Klin said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This Texas-sized car is in a ridiculous condition. It was formerly owned by a froglike school teacher who always drove it poorly. There is a hostile bad love song in the back seat and a chrome annoying ring tone on the hood. It has a far-fetched paint job, fresh tires, and the back opens out into a broken precocious animal. Will consider taking slightly used duck poop in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Manti La Sal Mountains, an orange French poodle with snotty hair and an epic tail. It answers to the name of Cher and when last seen was carrying an escape artist in its mouth. A dark reward is offered.
Millie said...
FOR SALE: 1957 Sedan. This brassaholic car is in a fire-breathing condition. It was formerly owned by a pointless school teacher who always drove it drunkenly. There is a persnickety yearly bather in the back seat and a chrome shyster on the hood. It has a candle-obsessed paint job, invisible tires, and the back opens out into a slave-driving hypochondriac. Will consider taking slightly used singer of horribly catchy songs in trade.
LOST: In the vicinity of Passamaquoddy, a bought-for-$50 French poodle with cave-dwelling hair and a conniving tail. It answers to the name of Pete and when last seen was carrying a fingernail in its mouth. A green reward is offered.
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