Letter Received by the Father of a Marriageable Daughter

Dear (name of man),

I am in love with your (adjective) daughter (first name of woman) and I would like to ask for her (noun) in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect (noun). She is the only (noun) I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my (plural noun). At present I am employed as an assistant (noun) and I make a (adjective) salary of (number) dollars a week. I have a split-level (noun) picked out in (geographical location) that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her (adjective) and to be a (adjective) (noun).

Signed: (name of man)

Millie said...
Dear Carmine,

I am in love with your trollop-like daughter Renalda and I would like to ask for her short-skirt-long-jacket combo in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect crotch-sniffing Golden Retriever. She is the only cornbread with honey butter I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my unmentionables. At present I am employed as an assistant French Jesuit priest and I make a gassy salary of 2346 dollars a week. I have a split-level inappropriate gesture picked out in Hummusville, Africa that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her near-sighted and in denial, and to be a masochistic fishnet stocking.

Signed: Superfly

Klin said...
Dear Bruce,

I am in love with your blood red daughter Beula and I would like to ask for her Texas Roadhouse in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect Argentina. She is the only girly man I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my business cards. At present I am employed as an assistant movie theater and I make a naughty salary of 21 dollars a week. I have a split-level lipstick picked out in Nassau, Bahamas that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her feverish and to be a loud grape juice.

Signed: Arthur

Heffalump said...
Dear George,

I am in love with your portly daughter Serendipity and I would like to ask for her house plant in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect egg roll. She is the only grasshopper I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my killer bees. At present I am employed as an assistant dragon hunter and I make a generous salary of 75 dollars a week. I have a split-level placebo picked out in Vacaville, CA that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her skulking and to be a predatory vegetarian.

Signed: Melvin