Advice to Prospective Parents

Congratulations to all of you (adjective) mothers and (adjective) fathers. You are about to give birth to a/an (noun). Remember, a happy child comes from a happy (noun). Undoubtedly, the (noun) will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little (noun) its bottle of (adjective) milk. Later, when he's (number) years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little (plural noun) around the house. And in no time he'll be talking (adverb) and calling you his "(noun)" and "(noun)." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of (noun).

Millie said...
Congratulations to all of you pill-dependent mothers and stupid health care reform bill-passing fathers. You are about to give birth to an incredible stench. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy elasticity. Undoubtedly, the toe mark on the wall will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little cranky scorpion its bottle of unstable milk. Later, when he's 23 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little angry old men around the house. And in no time he'll be talking innuendo-ingly and calling you his "minced fish" and "Costco card with an ugly picture." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of tooth whitening kit.

Heffalump said...
Congratulations to all of you velociraptor-like mothers and herculean fathers. You are about to give birth to a chimp. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy chump. Undoubtedly, the champ will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little ape its bottle of swaggering milk. Later, when he's 27 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little haikus around the house. And in no time he'll be talking agonizingly and calling you his "grape" and "cape." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of tape.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter said...
Congratulations to all of you destitute mothers and devoid of soul fathers. You are about to give birth to a wedding ring. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy speed bump. Undoubtedly, the Cadbury Mini Egg will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little ace bandage its bottle of asinine milk. Later, when he's 815 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little saltines around the house. And in no time he'll be talking redundantly and calling you his "pedometer" and "dull pencil." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of nanny-cam.