Letter Received by the Father of a Marriageable Daughter

Dear (name of man),

I am in love with your (adjective) daughter (first name of woman) and I would like to ask for her (noun) in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect (noun). She is the only (noun) I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my (plural noun). At present I am employed as an assistant (noun) and I make a (adjective) salary of (number) dollars a week. I have a split-level (noun) picked out in (geographical location) that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her (adjective) and to be a (adjective) (noun).

Signed: (name of man)

Millie said...
Dear Carmine,

I am in love with your trollop-like daughter Renalda and I would like to ask for her short-skirt-long-jacket combo in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect crotch-sniffing Golden Retriever. She is the only cornbread with honey butter I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my unmentionables. At present I am employed as an assistant French Jesuit priest and I make a gassy salary of 2346 dollars a week. I have a split-level inappropriate gesture picked out in Hummusville, Africa that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her near-sighted and in denial, and to be a masochistic fishnet stocking.

Signed: Superfly

Klin said...
Dear Bruce,

I am in love with your blood red daughter Beula and I would like to ask for her Texas Roadhouse in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect Argentina. She is the only girly man I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my business cards. At present I am employed as an assistant movie theater and I make a naughty salary of 21 dollars a week. I have a split-level lipstick picked out in Nassau, Bahamas that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her feverish and to be a loud grape juice.

Signed: Arthur

Heffalump said...
Dear George,

I am in love with your portly daughter Serendipity and I would like to ask for her house plant in marriage. She is my idea of a perfect egg roll. She is the only grasshopper I have ever loved and I want her to be the mother of my killer bees. At present I am employed as an assistant dragon hunter and I make a generous salary of 75 dollars a week. I have a split-level placebo picked out in Vacaville, CA that we can live in. If you give your permission, I promise to make her skulking and to be a predatory vegetarian.

Signed: Melvin

Happy Birthday!

Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for (name of girl in room). We are here to celebrate her (noun). All of her most (adjective) friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful (noun). I must say that she doesn't look a day over (number). Naturally, we have some presents. (Boy in room) brought her a beautiful copper (noun) that she can wear on her lovely (noun). And our hostess got her a dozen (plural noun) that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge (adjective) (noun) with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very (adjective) birthday and many happy (plural noun). Now let's all sing together: "Happy (noun) to you!"

Heffalump said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Dora. We are here to celebrate her telephone. All of her most neon green friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful telescope. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 17. Naturally, we have some presents. Waldo brought her a beautiful copper television that she can wear on her lovely teleporting machine. And our hostess got her a dozen telekinetic androids that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge fresh scented telephathic goat with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very addictive birthday and many happy telecaster guitars. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Teletubby to you!"

Millie said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Diaphanora. We are here to celebrate her curmudgeon. All of her most slippery when wet friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful enormous stankwad. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 23. Naturally, we have some presents. Dipwad LeDorkus brought her a beautiful copper illicit sock-wearer that she can wear on her lovely trollop. And our hostess got her a dozen uncontrollable sneezes that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge, often forgotten Imagination Mover with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very never-bathing birthday and many happy pictures of old women in old man clothing. Now let's all sing together: "Happy piece of rubbish to you!"

Vacation Dialogue

GIRL: Hello. My name is (girl's name).
BOY: Hi. My name is (male celebrity). I came here with my mother and father and my little (noun).
GIRL: I am here with my best girl (noun). We are staying at the (name of boy) Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great (noun) there. How is the food?
GIRL: (Adjective)! But the room only costs (number) dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a/an (noun) for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go (verb ending in ING).
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised (female celebrity) I'd go (verb ending in ING) with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a/an (adjective) Dance at the Hotel (verb ending in ING) Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a/an (adjective) dress and your (kind of shoe - plural). I am going to wear my (plural noun).

Millie said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Midge.
BOY: Hi. My name is Weird Al. I came here with my mother and father and my little freakishly low-flying helicopter.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl mismatched manicure. We are staying at the Seymour Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have great tooth fuzz there. How is the food?
GIRL: Doorknob-bruise-prone! But the room only costs 238 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a Dr. Phil addict for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go streaking.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Vanna White I'd go kissing booth-frequenting with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Grandmotherly Dance at the Hotel Bricklaying Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear an IKEA-obsessed dress and your floral Mary Jane Birkenstocks. I am going to wear my mostly-wrong meteorologists.

Heffalump said...
GIRL: Hello. My name is Martha.
BOY: Hi. My name is Fabio. I came here with my mother and father and my little carrot.
GIRL: I am here with my best girl bowl of 9 day old peas porridge. We are staying at the Gordon Hilton Hotel.
BOY: I hear they have a great motorcycle there. How is the food?
GIRL: Belly shaking! But the room only costs 17 dollars a day.
BOY: I rented a ceiling fan for this afternoon. Maybe you and I could go sledding.
GIRL: I'd love to but I promised Betty Boop I'd go flirting with her.
BOY: Well, tonight there is a Smothering Dance at the Hotel Muscle Flexing Room.
GIRL: I'd love to go to that. Is it formal?
BOY: Yes, be sure and wear a purple dress and your moon boots. I am going to wear my strawberry farm workers.

Bears 2011

If you go to some (adjective) place like Yellowstone National (noun), you must know how to deal with the wild animals such as bears and wolves and (plural noun). The most important of these is the bear. There are three kinds of bears, the grizzly bear, the (adjective) bear and the (adjective) bear. Bears spend most of their time (verb ending in ING) and (verb ending in ING). They look very (adjective), but if you make them (adjective), they may bite your (noun). Bears will come up to your car and beg for (food plural). They will stand on their hind legs and clap their (plural noun) together and pretend to be (adjective). But do not get out of your (vehicle) or offer the bears (food plural) or (food plural). This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as (something alive plural) and (something alive plural). Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation (adverb) and not get eaten by a (noun).

Millie said...
If you go to some easily offended place like Yellowstone National Ugly Christmas Sweater, you must know how to deal with the wild animals such as bears and wolves and Hot Pockets. The most important of these is the bear. There are three kinds of bears, the grizzly bear, the chartreuse and unapologetic bear and the dipsy-doodling bear. Bears spend most of their time fooling and hip-swaying. They look very paper cut-prone, but if you make them Q tip-loving, they may bite your falsetto child. Bears will come up to your car and beg for mangoes. They will stand on their hind legs and clap their mushroom burgers together and pretend to be slickery. But do not get out of your cargo bike or offer the bears Jujubes or eel eyeballs. This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as cranky old men and jellyfish. Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation Oprah-watching-ly and not get eaten by a sneakily read Cosmo magazine.

Heffalump said...
If you go to some monacle-wearing place like Yellowstone National Boogeyman, you must know how to deal with the wild animals such as bears and wolves and gym socks. The most important of these is the bear. There are three kinds of bears, the grizzly bear, the waterlogged bear and the smelly bear. Bears spend most of their time pouncing and sliding. They look very pink, but if you make them bitter, they may bite your boy scout. Bears will come up to your car and beg for cheetos. They will stand on their hind legs and clap their cheese assortments together and pretend to be central. But do not get out of your Le Car or offer the bears pizzas or melons. This same advice applies to other wild creatures such as grasshoppers and monkeys. Remember all these rules and you will spend your vacation rapidly and not get eaten by a whitewater raft.