How Can I Tell If He Likes Me?

If he exhibits three or more of the following (plural noun), you may (adverb) assume you are the (a fruit) of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the (part of body), does he overt his (plural noun) and give you an uncomfortable (noun)?
2) If you compliment him, does his (noun) turn a bright (color)?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual (noun) to see if you were (verb ending in ING) steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his (part of body) around you? Did you find his (plural noun) wet and clammy and did he sweat and (verb) excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he (verb) you on the phone or write you a/an (noun) or better yet, send you a bouquet of (plural noun)?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last (noun) he has the (plural noun) for you.

Klin said...
If he exhibits three or more of the following taller than heaven buildings, you may vivaciously assume you are the kiwi of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the ear canal, does he overt his six finished bedrooms and give you an uncomfortable stinky dog?
2) If you compliment him, does his freshly clean litter box turn a bright chartreuse?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual child taking to Nintendo DS game to see if you were painting steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his optic nerve around you? Did you find his ridiculous amount of bins storing Christmas deco wet and clammy and did he sweat and sleep excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he act anxious on the phone or write you a missed nativity scene or better yet, send you a bouquet of covered in white paint girls?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last crazy movie he has the bins of cut up veggies for you.

Becky said...
If he exhibits three or more of the following barking spiders, you may cunningly assume you are the passion fruit of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the toenail, does he overt his empty floral kleenex boxes and give you an uncomfortable gold spray can?
2) If you compliment him, does his retro-striped curtain panel turn a bright magenta?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual roof shingle to see if you were swimming steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his nostril around you? Did you find his mismatched picture frames wet and clammy and did he sweat and sit excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he hum to you on the phone or write you a bathtub ring or better yet, send you a bouquet of chewed on pen caps?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last past-due electric bill he has the dusty curtains for you.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
If he exhibits three or more of the following greasy grimy gopher guts, you may stealthily assume you are the mango of his eye.

1) When you look him straight in the uvula, does he overt his flying purple people eaters and give you an uncomfortable Lucky Charms marshmallow?
2) If you compliment him, does his hairbow as big as a kid's head turn a bright indigo?
3) After you first met, did he call a mutual pair of trifocals to see if you were sulking steady?
4) When you were alone for the first time, did he try to put his ovary around you? Did you find his Bon Jovi groupies still living in the 80's wet and clammy and did he sweat and nit-pick excessively?
5) After a passionate date, does he overreact to you on the phone or write you a piece of popcorn kernal skin that's stuck between your teeth or better yet, send you a bouquet of sleep deprived parents of a newborn?

If he did three or more of the above, you can bet your last overdue library book he has the Miley Cyrus wannabees for you.

Happy Birthday!

Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for (name of girl in room). We are here to celebrate her (noun). All of her most (adjective) friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful (noun). I must say that she doesn't look a day over (number). Naturally, we have some presents. (Boy in room) brought her a beautiful copper (noun) that she can wear on her lovely (noun). And our hostess got her a dozen (plural noun) that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge (adjective) (noun) with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very (adjective) birthday and many happy (plural noun). Now let's all sing together: "Happy (noun) to you!"

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Brand New Baby Cupcake. We are here to celebrate her pacifier. All of her most poopy friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful breast pump. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 5. Naturally, we have some presents. Bart Simpson brought her a beautiful copper newborn diaper that she can wear on her lovely C-Section scar. And our hostess got her a dozen diaper wipes that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge adorable nipple cream with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very baby powder-smelling birthday and many happy pain pills. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Hospital Bill to you!"

Natalie said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Wibbly Wobbly Wanda. We are here to celebrate her old lady feathered swimming cap. All of her most eyeballing everyone in the room friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful skankwad. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 234. Naturally, we have some presents. Hungry Hungry Hugo brought her a beautiful copper toe-curling belch that she can wear on her lovely random bus rider. And our hostess got her a dozen pocket-protecting nerds that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge, thinks "harrass" is two words instead of one, Oprah-phile with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very paper-cut-giving birthday and many happy Xanadu fans. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Cat-eating Alien to you!"

b. said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Syd. We are here to celebrate her muffin. All of her most sleepy friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful blouse. I must say that she doesn't look a day over four. Naturally, we have some presents. Hoss brought her a beautiful copper business card that she can wear on her lovely paper cutter. And our hostess got her a dozen slippers that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge satisfied crushed ice with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very hilarious birthday and many happy fingers. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Flat Iron to you!"

Klin said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Maggie. We are here to celebrate her mouse. All of her most funny friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful scream. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 14. Naturally, we have some presents. Oldest brought her a beautiful copper dog that she can wear on her lovely son. And our hostess got her a dozen frames that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge loud massage with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very saweet birthday and many happy garbage cans. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Lamp to you!"

Becky said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Olive Oyl. We are here to celebrate her wilted green spinach. All of her most off-white friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful Tuesday. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 867-5309. Naturally, we have some presents. Popeye brought her a beautiful copper hamburger that she can wear on her lovely metal garbage can. And our hostess got her a dozen whining children that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge slimiest uber-strength with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very loathsome birthday and many happy ice encrusted cars. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Anchor Tattoo to you!"

Dalene said...
Friends, this gathering is a surprise party for Veronica. We are here to celebrate her spent mousetrap. All of her most belly-up friends are here, including me, her devoted and faithful abandoned Facebook account. I must say that she doesn't look a day over 642. Naturally, we have some presents. Joe brought her a beautiful copper pile of toenail clippings that she can wear on her lovely bleeping beeping alarm clock. And our hostess got her a dozen splintered railroad ties that she can hang in her bathroom. And we had the bakery send up a huge conspicuously vacant ball of dryer lint with candles on it. We all want to wish her a very pretentious birthday and many happy piles of toenail clippings. Now let's all sing together: "Happy Leftover Fruitcake to you!"

Advice to Prospective Parents #1

Congratulations to all of you (adjective) mothers and (adjective) fathers. You are about to give birth to a/an (noun). Remember, a happy child comes from a happy (noun). Undoubtedly, the (noun) will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little (noun) its bottle of (adjective) milk. Later, when he's (number) years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little (plural noun) around the house. And in no time he'll be talking (adverb) and calling you his "(noun)" and "(noun)." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of (plural noun).

Natalie said...
Congratulations to all of you catladyish mothers and going braless but shouldn't fathers. You are about to give birth to a kitchen cupboard doorknob. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy dust mite. Undoubtedly, the mad duck on a string will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little old boyfriend its bottle of tipsy milk. Later, when he's 18234 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little shoe tongues around the house. And in no time he'll be talking pejoratively and calling you his "Dittohead" and "open beam ceiling." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of Robert Redford fans.

Klin said...
Congratulations to all of you amazing mothers and hand-milled fathers. You are about to give birth to an HD-TV. Remember, a happy child comes from happy snow. Undoubtedly, the four-wheel drive will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little squeaking dishwasher its bottle of more than enough milk. Later, when he's 46729 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little boxes of Little Mermaid fish tanks around the house. And in no time he'll be talking ergo and calling you his "major stairway" and "stupid commercial." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of boxes of goldfishy crackers.

Dalene said...
Congratulations to all of you erudite mothers and forgettable fathers. You are about to give birth to a toenail fungus. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy on-call snow shoveler. Undoubtedly, the dust bunny will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little flying buttress its bottle of high-maintenance milk. Later, when he's 32 and a half years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little messy bedrooms around the house. And in no time he'll be talking expeditiously and calling you his "leaky faucet" and "dunce cap." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of piles of laundry.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
Congratulations to all of you curdled mothers and stomach acid inducing fathers. You are about to give birth to a pontoon. Remember, a happy child comes from a happy fixity. Undoubtedly, the strange pregnancy craving will cause many changes in your life. You'll have to get up at four a.m. to give the little Facebook Status its bottle of "I'm not really a waitress" red milk. Later, when he's 815 years old, he'll learn to walk and you'll hear the patter of little chocolate chip cookies around the house. And in no time he'll be talking pragmatically and calling you his "5 year old child's drawing of her mommy with fangs and a princess crown" and "Bret Michaels groupie/floozie." It's no wonder they are called little bundles of Yo! Gabba, Gabba creatures.

Beauty Advice #1

If your skin is (adjective) or (adjective), you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your (noun), massage it gently with a/an (noun) that has been soaked overnight in a/an (container) full of warm (liquid). Then mix together some (a food) and some (a food) until the mixture becomes (adjective). Pat this onto your (adjective) complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using a/an (noun), and wash your face with (adjective) water. Do not omit this (adjective) step or your skin will become (adjective). Do this (adverb) every day and you will soon be as (adjective) as (name of person in room).

Klin said...
If your skin is exhausted or busy, you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your sled, massage it gently with snow that has been soaked overnight in a 2 quart pitcher full of warm grandma's famous fruit slush. Then mix together some veggie pizza and some Chex Muddy Buddies until the mixture becomes loud. Pat this onto your enjoying complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using Edward, and wash your face with abundant water. Do not omit this excited step or your skin will become bored. Do this forlornly every day and you will soon be as going-by-too-fast as Emmett.

Natalie said...
If your skin is slot machine-frequenting or covered with burlap, you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your random people slapper, massage it gently with a mustache waxer that has been soaked overnight in a Mini Crockpot full of warm guacamole. Then mix together some egg flower soup and some hamster chow until the mixture becomes really bratty. Pat this onto your muzzle-needing complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using a mean child, and wash your face with Pez dispensing water. Do not omit this rude step or your skin will become emotionally unavailable. Do this hypnotically every day and you will soon be as vitriolic as Baby LaTacos.

Suzanne said...
If your skin is crispy or mushy, you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your radio, massage it gently with a TV that has been soaked overnight in a cookie jar full of warm expired egg nog. Then mix together some cereal and some toast until the mixture becomes stinky. Pat this onto your aromatic complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using a computer, and wash your face with lush water. Do not omit this sparse step or your skin will become chilly. Do this slyly every day and you will soon be as steaming as Dancing hula lady.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
If your skin is lime green or excruciating, you can cure this condition with the following care. Every morning, before washing your half-eaten snowman's nose, massage it gently with a stinky dish towel that has been soaked overnight in a toothpaste tube full of warm Dr Pepper. Then mix together some tater tot casserole and some chicken cordon bleu until the mixture becomes spotted. Pat this onto your orange complexion for five minutes. Then remove, using a stolen car, and wash your face with shrunken water. Do not omit this mushy step or your skin will become downhearted. Do this passionately every day and you will soon be as oval as Oprah.

New Year's Resolutions

1. I, (name of person in room), will (verb) every day at the gym for at least (number) minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only (number) servings of (noun).
3. I will watch only (adjective) television shows.
4. I will tell (name of person in room) that I think he/she is a/an (adjective) (noun).
5. I will ask my boss for a/an (number)-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a/an (adjective) personality.
7. I will take my (noun) to (noun) at least once a month.
8. I will (verb) one book every (number) weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least (number) pounds.
10. I will return the (adjective) (plural noun) I borrowed from (person in room).
11. I will get on a (noun) and only spend (number) dollars a month.

Natalie & Melanie said...
1. I, Chicken-Headed Chuck, will streak every day at the gym for at least 78 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 128432 servings of stripping three-year-old.
3. I will watch only skanky and hideous television shows.
4. I will tell Drop-Kicked Drusilla that I think she is an overwhelmingly belchy monkey gnocchi.
5. I will ask my boss for a 9-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a knuckle tweezing personality.
7. I will take my tot potty that needs fumigating to buns blister juice at least once a month.
8. I will spank one book every 23 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 97234 pounds.
10. I will return the stuffed with grapes nevernudes I borrowed from Edward Scissorhands.
11. I will get on a lingerie party name tag and only spend 0.2348 dollars a month.

Klin said...
1. I, Monkey Wrench, will complain about dishes every day at the gym for at least 1minute.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 3 servings of whiny sounding meow.
3. I will watch only so frozen you can do a donut on it television shows.
4. I will tell Tree Monkey that I think he is a toasty warm aggravating "can I go" son.
5. I will ask my boss for a 5-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a finally clean personality.
7. I will take my "I need to snuggle with you" daughter to the taking over and getting it done daughter at least once a month.
8. I will trash haul one book every 7 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 11 pounds.
10. I will return the soothing and relaxing friends I borrowed from Mini Me.
11. I will get on a softly snoring husband and only spend 13 dollars a month.

Thorny Tree Lady said...
1. I, Dora the Explorer, will slither every day at the gym for at least 4 minutes.
2. At the dinner table, I will eat only 8 servings of strawberry jam.
3. I will watch only unruly television shows.
4. I will tell Bob Eubanks that I think he is a stomach acid-inducing Hawaiian Punch.
5. I will ask my boss for a 15-dollar raise.
6. I will admit that I have a stubborn personality.
7. I will take my Donny and Marie fan to a Tournament of Roses Parade float at least once a month.
8. I will moan at one book every 16 weeks.
9. I will try to lose at least 23 pounds.
10. I will return the filthy cotton dish towels I borrowed from Regina Philange.
11. I will get on a cup of cold hot cocoa and only spend 42 dollars a month.