Ending sooner this week... sorry.
This is a/an (adjective) explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably (adjective). Parents consist of one mother and one (noun). Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your (noun)," or "Stop picking your (noun)!" Brothers and sisters are called (plural noun) and they are often a pain in the (part of the body). Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' (plural noun). They will buy you (a food) when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your (noun). Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or (a holiday) to eat a big (a bird). Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Mrs. Crybaby Jones said...
This is a bowlegged explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably emasculated. Parents consist of one mother and one Claritin addict. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your crunchy leaf on the sidewalk," or "Stop picking your snoopy janitor!" Brothers and sisters are called speculums and they are often a pain in the finger. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' giggling psychopaths. They will buy you tomato aspic when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your piece of jelly toast. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or St. Swithin's Day to eat a big macaw. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Wynne said...
This is a cheesy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably segregated. Parents consist of one mother and one burnt toast. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your dust bunny," or "Stop picking your wishful thinking!" Brothers and sisters are called toenail clippings and they are often a pain in the flappy underarm fat. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' octupi. They will buy you anchovies when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cellulite. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Pioneer Day to eat a big penguin. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Suzanne said...
This is a yummy explanation of what relatives are. If you don't know, you are probably delicious. Parents consist of one mother and one plate. Mothers are always saying, "Go comb your fork," or "Stop picking your knife!" Brothers and sisters are called potatoes and they are often a pain in the belly. Grandfathers and grandmothers are your parents' cranberries. They will buy you stuffing when mother says you can't have any. An aunt is someone who is married to your cup. Relatives only get together on Thanksgiving or Christmas to eat a big Big Bird. Do we really need relatives? I doubt it.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Football Broadcast
Natalie said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Tsetse Flies and the West Point Winebibbers. The center has just snapped the Barney effigy back to the Columbia star halfback, Ben Stein, who is running around his own left mascara goop. There he's tackled hard around the hard-boiled egg. Now it's West Point's ball and 1238973 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Bea Arthur, who fades back and throws a long, up too early pass which is caught by Captain Kangaroo, who is West Point's inexplicably itchy quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the flowers-sending mop for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 bottle of Windex line. He's going to penalize West Point for hog-calling.
CoconutKate said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Platypi and the West Point Songs. The center has just snapped the line back to the Columbia star halfback, Bruce Willis, who is running around his own left sticker. There he's tackled hard around the tomato pincushion. Now it's West Point's ball and 11 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Bill Nye the Science guy, who fades back and throws a long, orangy-green pass which is caught by The Rock, who is West Point's pajama clad quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the fake ID for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 half-dead plant line. He's going to penalize West Point for cavorting.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Undomesticated Equines and the West Point Disgruntled "No on Prop 8" Supporters. The center has just snapped the USPS forwarding address label back to the Columbia star halfback, Tom Cruise, who is running around his own left crusty piece of leftover birthday cake. There he's tackled hard around the unmade bed. Now it's West Point's ball and 815 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Paris Hilton, who fades back and throws a long, curious pass which is caught by Lindsay Lohan, who is West Point's uneducated quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the barrel of monkeys for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 bag of cherry sours line. He's going to penalize West Point for excavating.
Klin said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Fuzzy-wuzzy-cute Hamsters and the West Point Chorus of Yapping/Barking Dogs. The center has just snapped the about-to-take-off-while-spinning washer back to the Columbia star halfback, Brad Pitt, who is running around his own left so-saturated-it-might-flood soil. There he's tackled hard around the freaking-piles-and-piles-of-bedding. Now it's West Point's ball and 89,216 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Madonna, who fades back and throws a long, incredibly adorable pass which is caught by Drew Barrymore, who is West Point's sickeningly amazing quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the too-dirty-to-cook-in-kitchen for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 soaking wet dog line. He's going to penalize West Point for driving-and-driving.
Dalene said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Blue Wildebeests and the West Point Toenail Clippings. The center has just snapped the bright orange traffic cone back to the Columbia star halfback, Bruce Willis, who is running around his own left melty ice cream cone. There he's tackled hard around the Madonna cone. Now it's West Point's ball and 362.876 and a 1/2 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Penn, who fades back and throws a long, egomaniacal pass which is caught by Teller, who is West Point's quintessentially insignificant quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the conehead for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 frosted pinecone line. He's going to penalize West Point for headbanging.
Sketchy said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Blast-ended Screwts and the West Point Mountains upon Mountains of Dirty Laundry. The center has just snapped the lonely unmatched sock in the dryer back to the Columbia star halfback, Eeyore, who is running around his own left roly-poly bug. There he's tackled hard around the long walk home. Now it's West Point's ball and 9.2 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Morris the cat, who fades back and throws a long, red-necked, yeller-bellied, piece of dung scraped off of somebody's shoe pass which is caught by his arch enemy Garfield, who is West Point's quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the sparkling green pen for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 spam, glorious spam! line. He's going to penalize West Point for deliciously satisfying.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Tsetse Flies and the West Point Winebibbers. The center has just snapped the Barney effigy back to the Columbia star halfback, Ben Stein, who is running around his own left mascara goop. There he's tackled hard around the hard-boiled egg. Now it's West Point's ball and 1238973 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Bea Arthur, who fades back and throws a long, up too early pass which is caught by Captain Kangaroo, who is West Point's inexplicably itchy quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the flowers-sending mop for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 bottle of Windex line. He's going to penalize West Point for hog-calling.
CoconutKate said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Platypi and the West Point Songs. The center has just snapped the line back to the Columbia star halfback, Bruce Willis, who is running around his own left sticker. There he's tackled hard around the tomato pincushion. Now it's West Point's ball and 11 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Bill Nye the Science guy, who fades back and throws a long, orangy-green pass which is caught by The Rock, who is West Point's pajama clad quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the fake ID for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 half-dead plant line. He's going to penalize West Point for cavorting.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Undomesticated Equines and the West Point Disgruntled "No on Prop 8" Supporters. The center has just snapped the USPS forwarding address label back to the Columbia star halfback, Tom Cruise, who is running around his own left crusty piece of leftover birthday cake. There he's tackled hard around the unmade bed. Now it's West Point's ball and 815 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Paris Hilton, who fades back and throws a long, curious pass which is caught by Lindsay Lohan, who is West Point's uneducated quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the barrel of monkeys for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 bag of cherry sours line. He's going to penalize West Point for excavating.
Klin said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Fuzzy-wuzzy-cute Hamsters and the West Point Chorus of Yapping/Barking Dogs. The center has just snapped the about-to-take-off-while-spinning washer back to the Columbia star halfback, Brad Pitt, who is running around his own left so-saturated-it-might-flood soil. There he's tackled hard around the freaking-piles-and-piles-of-bedding. Now it's West Point's ball and 89,216 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Madonna, who fades back and throws a long, incredibly adorable pass which is caught by Drew Barrymore, who is West Point's sickeningly amazing quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the too-dirty-to-cook-in-kitchen for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 soaking wet dog line. He's going to penalize West Point for driving-and-driving.
Dalene said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Blue Wildebeests and the West Point Toenail Clippings. The center has just snapped the bright orange traffic cone back to the Columbia star halfback, Bruce Willis, who is running around his own left melty ice cream cone. There he's tackled hard around the Madonna cone. Now it's West Point's ball and 362.876 and a 1/2 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Penn, who fades back and throws a long, egomaniacal pass which is caught by Teller, who is West Point's quintessentially insignificant quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the conehead for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 frosted pinecone line. He's going to penalize West Point for headbanging.
Sketchy said...
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your favorite sportscaster bringing you the big football game between the Columbia University Blast-ended Screwts and the West Point Mountains upon Mountains of Dirty Laundry. The center has just snapped the lonely unmatched sock in the dryer back to the Columbia star halfback, Eeyore, who is running around his own left roly-poly bug. There he's tackled hard around the long walk home. Now it's West Point's ball and 9.2 to go. They're coming out of the huddle. The ball is snapped back to Morris the cat, who fades back and throws a long, red-necked, yeller-bellied, piece of dung scraped off of somebody's shoe pass which is caught by his arch enemy Garfield, who is West Point's quarterback. He's in the clear and he races over the sparkling green pen for a touchdown! No, no, wait! The referee is calling the play back to the 35 spam, glorious spam! line. He's going to penalize West Point for deliciously satisfying.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Samson and Delilah
(A tragic dialogue)
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those (adjective) exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my (plural noun) in shape. After all, I'm the strongest (noun) in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look (adjective). Look at the way your hair hangs down over your (noun).
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a/an (noun).
Delilah: (Derogatory exclamation)! You promised to take me to a/an (adjective) party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll (verb) my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this (noun) and I'll give you a/an (adjective) haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your (noun) is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: (Adjective).
Natalie said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those hamster ball chasing exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my mouthy children in shape. After all, I'm the strongest barrel-suspenders combo in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look pill gobbling. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your piece of cheese stuck to the sink.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a ratchet.
Delilah: Don't tell me my business, boy! You promised to take me to a spazzing out party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll denounce my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this kitty nostril and I'll give you an addicted to Facebook haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your yap-yap is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Bemused.
Suzanne said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those sticky exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my queasy stomachs in shape. After all, I'm the strongest Snickers in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look sweet. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your Milky Way.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.
Delilah: Oh crud, I think I'm going to throw up! You promised to take me to a sour party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll barf my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this Dum Dum and I'll give you a chocolatey haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your Blow Pop is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Gooey.
Mel Smell said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those full of gut froth exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my adult public fit throwers in shape. After all, I'm the strongest secret bra pocket content in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look like you respond well to pancakes. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your creep that likes to blow up skirts with his leaf blower.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a whiff of seafood restaurant dumpster.
Delilah: PU, is that smell coming from your goiter?! You promised to take me to a smells like foot stew party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll make stupid noises with my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this armpit tattoo and I'll give you a fears-farting-loudly-in-quiet-overpopulated-rooms haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your proctologist frequenter is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Like I have an itchy hiney crevice.
Dalene said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those whiney-mouthed exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my incumbent politicians in shape. After all, I'm the strongest banana peel in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look button-bustin'. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your stray cat.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a sneaky, dirty rotten, pig-stealing stray cat that lives next door.
Delilah: Jane, you ignorant slut! You promised to take me to a squishy party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll snort my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this leftover halloween candy and I'll give you an insipid haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your ghost of Christmas past is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Melodramatic.
Klin said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those not-hawt looking exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my pouty-"I didn't get my own way" children in shape. After all, I'm the strongest almost full flash drive in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look purplicious. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your Howie Mandel.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a stupid-box aka TV.
Delilah: Please shut your screamy face! You promised to take me to a super-silky-soft party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll chug my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this speed-demon driver and I'll give you a grumpy-self-absorbed haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your soaking tub is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Walking-off-in-a-huff.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those hungry like the wolf exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my 4 kids sick off too much Halloween candy in shape. After all, I'm the strongest hanging chad in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look fake as Donald Trump's hair. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your fingernail highly in need of a manicure.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a 20 week ultrasound picture.
Delilah: You warthog-faced buffoon! You promised to take me to a completely underestimated party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll snogg my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this Pringles can and I'll give you a sappier than Kate and Leo in Titanic haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your realtor who won't return your calls is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Angry.
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those (adjective) exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my (plural noun) in shape. After all, I'm the strongest (noun) in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look (adjective). Look at the way your hair hangs down over your (noun).
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a/an (noun).
Delilah: (Derogatory exclamation)! You promised to take me to a/an (adjective) party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll (verb) my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this (noun) and I'll give you a/an (adjective) haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your (noun) is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: (Adjective).
Natalie said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those hamster ball chasing exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my mouthy children in shape. After all, I'm the strongest barrel-suspenders combo in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look pill gobbling. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your piece of cheese stuck to the sink.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a ratchet.
Delilah: Don't tell me my business, boy! You promised to take me to a spazzing out party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll denounce my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this kitty nostril and I'll give you an addicted to Facebook haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your yap-yap is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Bemused.
Suzanne said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those sticky exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my queasy stomachs in shape. After all, I'm the strongest Snickers in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look sweet. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your Milky Way.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.
Delilah: Oh crud, I think I'm going to throw up! You promised to take me to a sour party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll barf my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this Dum Dum and I'll give you a chocolatey haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your Blow Pop is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Gooey.
Mel Smell said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those full of gut froth exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my adult public fit throwers in shape. After all, I'm the strongest secret bra pocket content in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look like you respond well to pancakes. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your creep that likes to blow up skirts with his leaf blower.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a whiff of seafood restaurant dumpster.
Delilah: PU, is that smell coming from your goiter?! You promised to take me to a smells like foot stew party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll make stupid noises with my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this armpit tattoo and I'll give you a fears-farting-loudly-in-quiet-overpopulated-rooms haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your proctologist frequenter is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Like I have an itchy hiney crevice.
Dalene said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those whiney-mouthed exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my incumbent politicians in shape. After all, I'm the strongest banana peel in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look button-bustin'. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your stray cat.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a sneaky, dirty rotten, pig-stealing stray cat that lives next door.
Delilah: Jane, you ignorant slut! You promised to take me to a squishy party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll snort my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this leftover halloween candy and I'll give you an insipid haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your ghost of Christmas past is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Melodramatic.
Klin said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those not-hawt looking exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my pouty-"I didn't get my own way" children in shape. After all, I'm the strongest almost full flash drive in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look purplicious. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your Howie Mandel.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a stupid-box aka TV.
Delilah: Please shut your screamy face! You promised to take me to a super-silky-soft party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll chug my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this speed-demon driver and I'll give you a grumpy-self-absorbed haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your soaking tub is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Walking-off-in-a-huff.
Thorny Tree Lady said...
Delilah: Sam Sampson! Will you stop doing those hungry like the wolf exercises?
Sampson: Listen, Delilah. I have to keep my 4 kids sick off too much Halloween candy in shape. After all, I'm the strongest hanging chad in the tribe.
Delilah: Well, you look fake as Donald Trump's hair. Look at the way your hair hangs down over your fingernail highly in need of a manicure.
Sampson: I've been busy. Yesterday I had to kill 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a 20 week ultrasound picture.
Delilah: You warthog-faced buffoon! You promised to take me to a completely underestimated party tonight.
Sampson: Okay. I'll snogg my hair.
Delilah: I'll do it for you. Now sit here on this Pringles can and I'll give you a sappier than Kate and Leo in Titanic haircut.
Sampson: Okay.
Delilah: There. Your realtor who won't return your calls is nice and short. How do you feel?
Sampson: Angry.
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